Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or Batman. Transformers belongs to Hasbro and Batman belongs to DC Comics. No profit is being made from this story.
Author's Note: This story contains pretty heavy character-bashing. If you're a fan of Batman you will probably not like this. I apologise to those who hate bash-fics.
Since this story is a parody of "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" some (edited) dialogue is borrowed from that movie.
Far below Wayne Manor, in the cold dark depths of the Bat-cave, Batman was seated at the Bat-computer. His ever-present scowl was even deeper than usual as he studied the screen before him intently.
The monitor displayed footage from a Wayne Enterprises oil refinery. He watched as six fighter jets swooped down out of the sky, firing purple laser beams. Noticeably they took care not to fire at the oil field itself. People panicked and fled blindly in all directions as explosions erupted all around them, sending up clouds of fire and smoke. There was no sound but Batman could well imagine the screams of terror and the roaring of the flames, the sounds of chaos and destruction.
The six jets then flew down and transformed in mid-air. Metal plates unfolded and components shifted, limbs emerging from inside. Within seconds the jets had become giant humanoid robots with slender-barrelled energy weapons attached to their arms.
They were soon joined by other robots flying down into view. Most prominent among them was a large silvery robot with a huge black canon on its right arm. This one was clearly the leader, judging by how it was pointing around in a manner that indicated it was directing the others.
A blue robot stepped forwards and began producing transparent cubes that materialised from its chest. The robots began taking the cubes over to the pumps and filling them with oil. As soon as the black crude oil entered a cube it turned into a purple liquid that glowed brightly even in the sunlight. The robots moved with the smooth, practised ease of those who had performed such a procedure many times before and they soon had an impressive stack of the glowing cubes.
Within moments of the initial attack a group of cars drove into view, led by a red semi-trailer truck. Sure enough they also transformed into humanoid robots and began fighting the first group. He knew from his research that the two factions identified themselves as Decepticons and Autobots but it made little difference to him what they called themselves.
Eventually the Decepticons were driven away with just a fraction of the fuel they had been attempting to steal. As the Autobots turned their attention to helping the refinery workers Batman stood and switched off the footage.
He knew what had to be done.
"Master Bruce" Alfred called as he descended the stone staircase that led to the Bat-cave. A short distance ahead he could see Batman standing behind a table. He was tinkering with some high-tech piece of equipment using a pair of tweezers to make precise adjustments to the circuitry.
"What do you want Alfred?" he asked brusquely, annoyed at being disturbed.
Unfazed by his curt response Alfred replied, "you've been done here for some time. I wondered if I might interest you in some sandwiches?"
"No thanks" he answered, a little more courteously now that his initial annoyance had passed.
"Very well Sir."
But as he turned to leave he spotted something further back in the cave. He stopped and stared at it in disbelief. "My word!"
"Impressive, isn't it?" Batman said.
"That was not the word I was thinking of although it would not be inappropriate" Alfred replied. "I take it this is in response to the Autobots recent battle with the Decepticons at the Wayne Enterprises refinery?"
"Yes."
Alfred had a very bad feeling about what his master was getting at. "Then you're planning to assist the Autobots? To help them?"
Batman stopped working on the device and looked right at him. "No" he said coldly.
Alfred was horrified. "You're going to go to war?"
"They brought the war to us!" Batman exclaimed. "They have the power to wipe out the entire human race and if we believe there's even a one percent chance that they are our enemy we have to take it as an absolute certainty!"
He paused for a moment and then went on, more calmly. "And we have to destroy them."
"But they are not our enemy!" Alfred pointed out.
Batman did not reply. He merely looked down and resumed working on the device in front of him. Alfred knew that any further attempts at discussion were pointless. With a sigh he turned and left.
"Optimus Prime, attention please" Teletraan 1 announced, its monotone voice broadcasting throughout Autobot Headquarters.
"What is it Teletraan 1?" Prime asked as he strode into the control room. His voice was calm as always but mentally he was preparing himself for action, his processors already calculating what the problem could be and which of the Autobots would be the best choices to bring. Almost certainly it was a Decepticon attack but there was always a possibility of some other crisis that needed their aid.
"Incoming message from Wayne Enterprises labs."
Prime allowed himself to relax slightly. If the message was not on the emergency frequency then it was probably not urgent. Most likely this had something to do with the Decepticons attack on a refinery owned by the company a few weeks ago.
"Put it on screen."
The main monitor displayed an image of a dark-haired human male sitting at a desk with a worried, anxious look on his face.
"Optimus Prime, my name is Bruce Wayne, owner of Wayne Enterprises" he said. "I need to talk to you about a very important matter."
"What's wrong Mr Wayne?" Prime asked.
"My company has been developing an experimental fusion reactor. If it works it will be able to power an entire city, with no pollution or risk of a radiation leak. I'm pleased to say that we've finally succeeded. I'm unveiling it to the public tomorrow."
Prime nodded. "Let me guess, you're concerned that the Decepticons will try to steal it."
"Precisely. I'll be honest Prime, I'd sleep a lot more soundly tonight if the Autobots were present at the unveiling."
"Don't worry Mr Wayne, we'll be there" Prime reassured him.
"Thank you Prime" said Bruce.
As the transmission ended he smiled grimly. Everything was going according to plan.
The next day there was a huge crowd of people gathered outside Wayne Enterprises main building where a large wooden stage had been set up. In the middle of the stage was a black metal orb, five feet in diameter and surrounded by segmented metal rings. The core assembly was suspended a few feet above the floor by diagonal steel trusses. Below the core was an instrument panel.
Lucius Fox, the company's top scientist, stood in front of a podium. Having apologised for Bruce Wayne's absence, he was now giving a speech about how the fusion reactor would provide clean, safe energy for the city.
Nobody in the crowd paid attention to the car park where a red semi-trailer truck, a red Nissan van, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, and a pair of Lamborghini sports cars, one red and the other yellow were parked among the other vehicles.
"This is disgraceful" Sunstreaker complained. "No-one's even looked at me since we've been here. I put on an extra coat of polish specially! These people have no appreciation of beauty."
Prime ignored his complaining. "Remember Autobots, when the Decepticons attack our first priority is protecting the humans."
"No problem Optimus" said Bumblebee cheerily. "Hey look it's starting."
On the stage Fox had finished his speech. "And now without further ado, ladies and gentlemen it's show time" he said.
He flipped a switch on the control panel and the core began to glow brightly. The audience watched in awe as gauges on the control panel registered a surge of energy. Or so they seemed.
"Prime somethin's wrong" said Ironhide.
"What is it Ironhide?" Prime asked.
"Ah ain' pickin up any fusion reactions on mah sensors" he replied. "That ain' a reactor, it's jus' a big glow-ball."
"You mean Wayne's trying to con all these people?" Bumblebee asked.
"But then why would he want us here?" Prime wondered. "My olfactory sensors are picking up a rat."
Before anyone could comment further a sudden roar of jet engines overhead reached their audio systems.
"Decepticons!"
Sure enough Megatron, Soundwave, Starscream, Skywarp and Thundercracker came flying down out of the sky, the three Seekers transforming to robot mode as they touched down on the ground. Immediately the people began screaming and fleeing in panic.
"Autobots transform!" Prime ordered.
Megatron heard them transforming and spun around to find himself facing five Autobots, all with their weapons drawn. He was surprised but instantly masked it.
"Optimus Prime, here a bit early aren't you?" he asked mockingly.
"We're right on time to stop you Megatron" Prime replied.
"You won't stop me this time. That reactor will be mine."
"Certainly. Go right ahead" Prime said casually.
Megatron's baffled look was priceless. "What?"
"It's all yours Mega-dumb" said Sideswipe with a grin. "Our headquarters has plenty of light bulbs."
"Megatron" said Soundwave. "Analysis complete. Fusion reactions: negative. Energy generation: negative. Suggest aborting mission."
Megatron scowled. "What? You mean it's a fake?"
"Affirmative."
Starscream cackled gleefully. "Your instincts are keen as ever oh mighty Megatron. You led us all this way on a fool's errand."
Megatron ground his dental plates together in fury. "Decepticons, return to base."
The Decepticons took off and flew up into the sky. Sideswipe pointed his weapon to take a few shots but Prime stopped him.
"No Sideswipe" he said firmly. "As Autobots we fight only to defend ourselves and the innocent. The Decepticons are leaving and no-one is in danger. If we start a battle needlessly then we're no better than our enemies."
"Sorry Prime" said Sideswipe contritely. Prime nodded and patted his shoulder.
"Well that was easy" said Bumblebee. "I'd still like to know what that fake reactor was about though."
"So would I" Prime agreed.
Batman cursed as he watched what was happening on his computer screen. His plan had been for both sides to fight and he would then finish them off. Somehow they had seen through his trick and the Decepticons had left without attacking.
I'll get them next time he thought. For now I'll have to settle for just the Autobots.
"Hey what's that?" Bumblebee asked as they again heard the sound of engines coming from the sky.
"Are the Decepticons coming back?" said Sunstreaker.
"No, this is something else" Prime replied. He had heard Decepticon jet engines countless times and this didn't sound like them.
"Over there, look" said Sideswipe. They all looked in the direction he was pointing.
Flying towards them were over a dozen robots, each one the size of an average Cybertronian and propelled by rockets in their feet. They touched down several yards away from the Autobots and stood motionlessly.
Each robot had two pointed "horns" that resembled ears and three backwards-curved blades on each forearm. Their limbs and heads were painted black while their torsos were bare metal except for a yellow bat emblem painted on them. Aside from a pair of yellow optics their faces were featureless.
Prime stepped forwards. "We mean you no harm. Who are you?"
"I'm Batman" a voice sounded from each of the robots simultaneously.
"Batman huh? Does that make these things Bat-bots?" asked Sunstreaker.
"We've heard of you and your mission to defend this city" said Prime. "You have nothing to worry about from us. Our mission is to defend this world from the Decepticons."
Batman spoke again. "Tell me. Do you bleed?"
"Well that's a dumb question" Sideswipe scoffed. "We don't even have any blood."
Batman ignored him. "You will."
With that the Bat-bots charged forwards and attacked. The crowd of bystanders, having just calmed down from the Decepticons arrival, again panicked and ran in terror.
"Autobots defend yourselves and the humans" Prime ordered as a Bat-bot rushed him and threw a punch at his face. He effortlessly blocked it and smashed the Bat-bot's head with a single counter-punch. He pulled his hand free and the now non-functional robot slumped to the ground.
Sideswipe grinned broadly and drew a pair of swords from subspace. He leaped in and sliced a Bat-bot in half with a horizontal slash, pivoted and stabbed another one through the chest cavity. The sparking pieces of wreckage dropped to the ground as he moved on to the next.
"Hah, easy as chopping down plant-o-bots with an energon saw" he boasted.
"Just don't splash any oil on my paintjob" Sunstreaker warned as he took down two more with shots from his electron-pulse rifle.
Ironhide stood his ground as two Bat-bots charged him. "Some liquid nitrogen outta cool ya off" he drawled.
He retracted his hand and fired a jet of liquid nitrogen. The Bat-bots froze on the spot, ice spreading across their armour. Ironhide then extended his hand, picked up both of them, one in each hand, and smashed their heads together, caving them in.
"Ironhide! Help!"
He turned to see that Bumblebee was pinned to the ground by a Bat-bot that was whaling on him with brutal punches. His lighter armour was holding up so far but it wouldn't last much longer.
"Bumblebee!"
Ironhide charged, jumped into the air and landed a flying drop kick that knocked the Bat-bot away, leaving two foot-shaped dents in its torso. It struggled back up but Ironhide was already on his feet and he finished it off with a right cross that imploded its head.
"Ya okay kid?"
"I'm okay. Thanks Ironhide."
"Don' mention it. Come on, let's scrap the rest o' these tinker-toys."
"Right behind you!"
Optimus Prime fired three shots from his laser rifle, blowing holes in the chests of just as many Bat-bots. As they fell, a fourth one managed to blindside him. Prime turned but before he could fire, his weapon was knocked from his hands and sent flying through the air to land on a nearby road. Without missing a beat Prime threw a spinning hook kick that crumpled the Bat-bot's head as if it were an aluminium can.
He went over to retrieve his rifle but just as he reached for it a large grappling claw attached to a cable shot through the air, snagged the barrel and yanked it out of his reach. He looked over to see what had fired the grappling claw.
Before him stood another Bat-bot. Unlike the others this one was as big as Prime himself. Its paintjob was different too. Its hands, forearms, lower legs, upper torso, head and shoulders were deep blue while its thighs, biceps and lower torso were bare metal. It had the same yellow optics, pointed "ears" and yellow bat-emblem as the others but it had only a single large blade on its forearms.
The grappling claw retracted into its arm and it studied his rifle for a moment before tossing the weapon away.
"Only cowards use guns" Batman's voice, dripping with contempt, issued from within the huge robot.
Prime was not surprised to detect human life-signs coming from inside it. He raised his hands in a pacifying gesture.
"Listen to me Batman, this fighting is senseless" he said calmly. "We are not your enemy."
Batman glared at the Autobot leader. He was currently suspended inside a specially developed rig with a neural interface helmet covering his head. Similar devices were attached to his arms and legs. They allowed him to see through the robot's optics and to direct it with his mind. To all intents and purposes it was an extension of his body and will.
"It's time you learned what it means to be a man" he snarled.
With that he lunged forwards and attacked with a blindingly fast flurry of punches. Prime bobbed and weaved, dodging each blow but he made no effort to strike back, unwilling to risk harming the human aboard. Batman stepped back and threw a round kick. Metal clanged against metal as Prime blocked it.
"Batman stop this. I don't want to risk hurting you."
Batman's only reply was to throw a right cross at his face. Prime sidestepped the blow and caught his extended arm, then turned and threw Batman to the ground with a shoulder throw. He slammed into the concrete with a loud crash and clatter of metal. Dazed by the impact he threw a wild kick that hit Prime's torso with enough force to send him stumbling back a few steps.
Recovering quickly Batman clambered up, reached behind his back with both hands. and drew out a pair of pickaxes, the heads of which were styled into the Batman emblem. A second after being drawn the pickaxe heads glowed a brilliant white. The smell of ozone filled the air along with a loud crackling sound.
High-intensity plasma fields Prime thought. I have to end this now.
Batman slashed at him with the pickaxes and again he dodged every blow. Prime retracted his right hand and extended an axe made of golden energon from his wrist. As Batman slashed with one of his pickaxes, Prime dodged to his right and then sliced off his foe's arm with one swing of his axe. It fell to the ground with a CLUNG!
What?
Batman stumbled back and stared in disbelief at his robot's severed arm as it lay sparking on the ground. Enraged, he swung his remaining pickaxe. Again Prime dodged and cut off the Bat-bot's other arm. He then crouched and severed both its legs with one blow of his axe. The now-limbless robot fell heavily onto its back.
CLANG!
Prime retracted his axe. "Are you all right Batman? I'm sorry to resort to such brutality but I needed to disable your machine."
A concealed hatch opened in the robot's chest to reveal a human in a silly-looking costume strapped into a rig that Prime recognised as a neural interface mechanism. He glared up at the Autobot leader.
"If I go I take you with me" he said coldly as he held up a detonator.
"No!" Prime reached down to stop him but he was too late. Batman pressed the button.
BUH-WHOOM!
The Bat-bot exploded in a huge cloud of fire that launched Prime backwards through the air. He crashed down on the thankfully empty stage, crushing both it and the fake reactor.
"Optimus!" Bumblebee cried as he raced over.
"I'm fine Bumblebee" Prime reassured him as he stood up. "Is everyone all right?"
"We're okay" Bumblebee replied.
"I'm glad." Prime surveyed the battlefield. All of the Bat-bots had been destroyed and, Primus be praised, there were no human casualties. Except one of course. He regretfully looked over at the blazing wreckage that was all that now remained of Batman's robot-suit.
"Such a senseless waste. If only I'd been able to reach him" he said sadly.
"Don't blame yourself Optimus" said Bumblebee.
"That's right" Ironhide agreed as he and the twins came over "Ya did the best ya could."
"Yeah, that guy was crazy" Sideswipe added. "There was no reasoning with him."
Prime nodded. He still felt the human's loss deeply but he appreciated their efforts to reassure him.
"Thank you Autobots. We'll help restore order here and return to base. Then we'll see if we can find out what Bruce Wayne was up to."
A few days later Optimus Prime contacted Alfred Pennyworth. The dutiful butler confirmed what Prime had already suspected; Bruce Wayne and Batman were the same man. Alfred accepted Prime's apology and assured the Autobot leader that he bore them no ill feelings. In fact he apologised to Prime for Batman's actions. Despite that Prime wanted to help make amends. He soon got his chance.
Bruce had left his entire fortune to Alfred. With some help from the Autobots and financial advice from Lucius Fox, Alfred was able to use the money to benefit the city's infrastructure by opening factories, creating jobs and so on. Grapple took pleasure in designing the factories and trying to make them as "artistic" as possible.
It took several moths but eventually even the city's worst neighbourhoods were raised to liveable standards and the crime rate sharply decreased. Bruce Wayne was gone but Alfred took comfort in knowing that his legacy would endure and the city had had fought so hard to protect now had a brighter future than ever before.
Author's Note: I'm sorry. I know bash-fics are petty and mean-spirited. It's just that sometimes I get so sick of raving Batman fan-boys (not sensible rational fans, just the crazy ones) saying that he beats everyone, that he always wins and such, that I need to take out my frustrations in some way.
Sideswipe's swords are a reference to the weapons he has in the game "Transformers: Devastation." The standard bat-bots are based on the deluxe Bat-mech figure from the animated movie "Batman Unlimited: Mechs vs. Mutants." Batman's robot suit is based on the ultimate bat-mech from the same movie.