Space Bound, a hunger games fanfic

"And love is evil, spell it backwards, I'll show ya." –Eminem

Space Bound, Eminem

Ever had that feeling, when you love something so much, it hurts to love.

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us.

That's what loving Katniss is like. It hurts to love her.

Loving her is like, agony, pure, concentrated agony.

It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress, cuz you just
Did the impossible; gained my trust.

My heart wrenches whenever I'm away from her and it constricts and explodes into tiny little pieces when I'm with her.

And every time, I have to pick up those little pieces and fit them back together again, tediously look over each piece and glue and tape and staple until my fingers are raw and stuck together.

Don't play games it'll be dangerous
If you fuck me over, cuz if I get burnt
Ima show you what it's like to hurt
Cuz I been treated like dirt before ya

I think I finally ran out of glue. And tape. And staples.

Because she was always with him, ever since the Games, she had been with him. Even when she was with me, she was with him.

And love is evil, spell it backwards I'll show ya

That's when I began seeing the little pieces she'd chipped off: the little shred from when we met. The splinter from the brave mask she was forced to put on at her first Reaping. The tatters from when I saw the anguish on her face whenever I brought up her family. The little shaving from when she volunteered. That's when I tried to begin rebuilding the heart she tossed around and played with and shot daily.

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own. it's the path I've chosen to go

Even the fact that I tried seemed laughable. Every time I put one piece back, another piece fell apart and shattered on the ground.

Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Then I picked that part up and bundled it together and hoped and prayed that Katniss would take pity on me before I pieced that back together again.

And then the next piece would slide off and break.

Blood suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this
I've tried in this department but I ain't have no luck with this.

My glue and tape and stapes were our memories, the ones we made in the woods, when we were free of the Capitol, when they couldn't touch us because we were on top of the world when we were together.

It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I got a hole in my heart, some kind of emotional roller coaster.

Now, when I look back on all our times in the woods, I picture him next to us. Inept, heavy, loud, asinine him, scaring off the game and starving our families. He tainted the glue, threw away that tape and stepped on those staples.

And she helped him.

Something I won't go till you toy with my emotions so it's over

She let him in to those memories, and showed him the way, and cheered him on as he stepped all over the memories. I know it's wrong to blame her for something she didn't realize she was doing, but she blamed me for something I would've rather died and burned in hell than done.

It's like an explosion, every time I hold ya I wasn't joking when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova, and I'mma…

But because she's Katniss and because I'm Gale, it's hard not to see why she hates me. And I hate myself for it. I keep telling myself, Coin sent her there, Coin sent the bomb, Coin killed her.

But trying to ease my onus is futile.

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your hearts the moon
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you
Two hundred fifty thousand miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you, right at you.

I left her, tried to forget, because the thought of her hating me was too much to bear.

Sometimes, I do forget, some days it's alright, some days I can get out of bed and not loathe this district for not having her in it.

Sometimes, I can't forget. I can't stop seeing the look on her face the last time I spoke to her. When I gave her that arrow. I try to drown myself in work those days, rebuilding the districts, re-planning entire divisions. Sometimes, this helps.

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches, when I ain't with you I have zero strength.

Most of the time, it doesn't.

Most of the time, I drink.

I finally understand that old drunk Haymitch. The alcohol numbs, deadens, freezes, for however long, and the pain in the morning is enough to take to forget.

There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one, then once we get them it's never the same

But then comes with recollection of why I have it.

You want them when they don't want you, Soon as they do feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't looking when I stumbled on to you, musta been fate

The hangover is the bearable part. What makes it unendurable is the memories; the memories of Katniss and I in the woods, disarrayed by the thought of Katniss and him.

In their house, in that District, next to our woods.

But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?
Let's cut to the chase, before the door shuts in your face
Promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cuz I'mma…

I'd take a hangover, any day, every day, all day if I never thought about her again.

I'd drink myself into oblivion if I didn't need the money to drink myself into oblivion.

Haymitch had the money to do that, and—however vile the old me would've thought this was—I envy him for it. He has the time to destroy himself while I have to live with it.

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once

I destroy myself at home but pick up the pieces and hold them together with cloth when I have to leave.

I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

The cloth is tattered and shredded and torn and little pieces of me fall out and get left behind on the sidewalk, ready for everyone to step on.

Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin, I'm tryna stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryna stop you from breathin'

Those little pieces are lost forever, and those little pieces had been me.

I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you squeazin'
Til I snap your neck like a popsicle stick, ain't no possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live.

I'm gone, I've been trampled on, driven over, shot at, and lost. And I'm finally gone.

Tears stream down both of my cheeks now I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple I told you this…

Every time I think I'm back, every time I'm on the road back, I remember her; she invades my dreams, haunts my nightmares, she breaks me all over again.

And I woulda did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star cuz Imma…

And now the pieces are too broken, too shattered, to put back together again. But every day I try, and I tell myself it'll get better tomorrow, I'll be fine tomorrow. I'll find myself tomorrow. But I know I'm lying. I know lying to myself is the only thing keeping those shattered pieces together, lodged in my chest, between my lungs where the pieces get caught and stop me from breathing because it hurts too much.

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your hearts the moon
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you
Two hundred and thousand miles on a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you, without you, without you