A/N: I do not own Naruto.

"I'm fucking tired, Kakuzu. Can't we just head straight back to the base?" Hidan whined in an obnoxiously loud voice.

Kakazu continued jumping from tree to tree, the body of a dead man swinging on his back, "Shut up, we have to collect the money before heading back."

Hidan's grumbling continued all the way to a quiet area of the woods. Kakuzu set foot into one of the Fire Country's many bounty counters, this particular one being hidden inside an abandoned toilet, while Hidan waited outside, the typical him complaining about the horrible stench.

"This place stinks. There are plenty of other places where bounties can be claimed. Why the fuck do we have to keep coming to this pisshole?" Hidan protested, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

A few minutes had passed, and Hidan was sitting on the steps of the building fidgeting with his pendant, "Always taking forever. The miser's probably counting every single bill again. Jashin forbid that he miss out on that one dollar."

A rustle nearby got his attention. His ears picked up on a sound of laughter and ninja instincts kicked in, his hand grasping onto the scythe strapped on his back.

"Who the fuck is that?"

There was no response but the giggling continued. The giggling got louder and suddenly he realised that someone was right behind him.

Hidan swung his scythe around but all he saw next, was darkness.

"Hidan."

Hidan stirred a little.

"Oi Hidan!"

His senses were beginning to return, but his thoughts were all jumbled up. 'Wha- why am I on the ground? Why is it so fucking dark?'

Hidan was suddenly lifted up into the air choking. Startled, his eyes widened and he realised that he was about a foot off the ground with Kakuzu's hand around his neck.

"Y-you fucking asshole. Let me d-down!"

Kakuzu obliged, releasing Hidan's neck and sending the latter crashing to the ground.

"MOTHERF-!"

"Why were you sleeping?"

"I WASN'T SLEEPING! I WAS SITTING. AND THEN THERE WAS THIS LAUGHTER. SOME STUPID FUCKING GIGGLING. AND IT WAS BEHIND ME. AND THEN THERE WAS NOTHING."

Kakuzu just stared blankly at him.

Hidan stared back.

-stare-

-stare-

-stare-

Somewhere a frog croaked.

"STOP STARING IT'S THE FUCKING TRUT-!"

*clank!*

Something hit Kakuzu on the head.

Rubbing his head, Kakuzu gritted his teeth in pain as he watched a long and cylindrical object roll on the ground beside his feet.

Hidan's head suddenly rolled off his shoulders and hit the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK KAKUZU?!"

"You should have known better than to try and hit me."

"THAT WASN'T ME! YOU ASSHOLE I WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. WOULDN'T YOU HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN?!"

Kakuzu shrugged slightly, any excuse to hit Hidan made him happier, and then bent down to grab the item from the ground.

It was a scroll. It was made simply out of white parchment and wood handles and there were some unidentifiable words written on it. Kakuzu squinted at the words trying to discern any kanji from it but was unable to recognise anything from the seemingly random strokes.

However, there was a small ink-like scribble along the opening of the scroll that he recognised.

"For the Akatsuki"

He looked up in the direction where the scroll presumably came from, above. However there was nothing above them except for clear skies.

"We should bring it back to Leader-sama to analyze," Kakuzu said.

Hidan went without much complaint. Although that was probably due to Kakuzu having gagged his mouth and speeding back to base with his head in one hand and his body in the other.

"I think Hidan and Kakuzu are back, un."

Sitting next to his aquarium, Kisame looked up from his fish-watching, "You think?"

"Yea, un. You can hear Hidan from a mile away."

And indeed, Hidan's cussing could be heard from even behind the huge boulder that was their entrance to the base.

"FUCK YOU KAKUZU! PUT ME BACK TOGETHER! C'MON! WE'RE PARTNERS RIGHT? KAKUZU? OI! KAKUZU YOU ASSHOLE! STOP IGNORING ME!"

Kakuzu walked into the base and everyone noticed that the body slung over Kakuzu's shoulder was missing a head.

-collective sigh-

"What did Hidan do now, un?"

"HEY! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? KAKUZU WAS BEING A PISSY BITCH AND DECIDED TO TAKE IT OUT ON INNOCENT ME YOU STUPID BLOND."

"It's always you," a monotone voice belonging to a certain red-headed puppet joined in.

"SHUT UP, NO ONE ASKED YOU YOU STUPID WOODEN FREAK!"

"WHAT IS ALL THIS RACKET?!" a deep and stern voice blared through the room.

"Leader-sama, Hidan and I were just coming back from the bounty office when he was ambushed."

"I WAS NOT AMBUSHED. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE YOU MOTHERF-."

"Hidan. Shut. Up."

Hidan had an indignant look on his face and was about to respond rudely when he saw the look on Pein's face and fell silent instead.

Pein looked at Kakuzu and nodded for him to continue. Kakuzu then explained all the happenings, including Hidan being knocked out and then showed him the scroll.

Pein took the scroll from him and examined the incomprehensible strokes. The words "For The Akatsuki" disappeared upon his reading and he frowned at it.

"It appears that these unidentifiable scratches do not resemble any of our known languages. It does not seem like a language of our world. I will analyze the scroll and let you all know if anything of concern to you comes up. Meanwhile, no one is to remove this scroll from my office."

He turned to walk away but paused for a second, "Kakuzu. Put Hidan back together. I don't want to hear anymore screaming."

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"SHUT UP, UN!"

"BUT SENPAIIIIIIIIII"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YEAH!"

Tobi was jumping up and down, waving something in his hand. On the other hand, Deidara had immediately left the room once he heard Tobi enter and proclaim loudly how good of a boy he was.

The rest just stared at Tobi, following his jumps with their eyes as he went up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down – well you get the idea.

"What do you have there Tobi?" Kisame asked, noticing the object that the smaller man was holding onto.

"A scroll! A scroll! Tobi took it from Leader-sama's room!" The hyperactive masked man went into a fit of laughter for reasons unknown. "Tobi is a good boy! So he took a curious item from Leader-sama and decided to share it with everyone!"

Kisame raised an eyebrow, "Isn't stealing considered bad?"

"It's not stealing! It's called borrowing! Tobi will return it! Let's see what it contains!"

"Tobi, stop." The man who had been silent all this time while watching them from the corner suddenly spoke up.

"Itachi-san! Don't you want to see it?"

Without waiting for a response, Tobi suddenly unrolled the scroll. Kanji started filling up the parchment.

"The Scroll welcomes the Akatsuki. The contents of said scroll will contain stories and adventures of a million fantasies, alternate universes and potential spoilers. Please proceed with caution, and understand that all stories may or may not mentally scar you for life," Itachi read.

Thanks for reading, I understand that it could be better, and will try to get out the official first chapter ASAP! The chapters will get better and funnier!

Would like to thank mibamonster for the inspiration. She did a Harry Potter version of this, very hilarious! Do support! :)