TITLE: McCoy's Thoughts

Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount and was created by Gene Roddenberry. I just borrow the classic characters to honor his creative work.

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A/N: Dr. Leonard McCoy reflects on growing old and the friends of his past. Today is my birthday and I sort of feel old so I thought I would express it in what McCoy would be thinking on his 138th birthday. I chose Dr. McCoy because I so appreciate his humanity. The actor put plenty of himself into building the character of Dr. McCoy. McCoy always questioned the how and the why of things. Sometimes he did not have a solution but his emotional questioning always caused others to see a little something deeper in themselves.

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He sat alone on the front porch of his small home overlooking a vast forest of Georgia pines. No matter how old he was, he loved the peacefulness of the forest. The warm sun of the spring day made him feel at peace and rather limber for a man of 138. His trip out to Farpoint Station two months ago gave him a rare chance to once again walk on a ship called Enterprise. "Oh, the stories he could tell, he thought to himself. His brief encounter with that ship and her crew weighed heavy on McCoy's mind this spring morning.

Today was his 138th birthday. In all his wildest dreams he had never imagined that he would have reached such an advanced age. Heck, he remembered at one point in his life so long ago back on the first Enterprise how he was terminally ill until they found a cure on a traveling rock in space. "Now look at me", McCoy mused.

The thought of this new Enterprise and her gallant crew brought him back to so many memories of years, friends, loved ones gone by. Sometimes the thoughts were so strong that a silent tear would come to his eye. Today was one of those days.

"Admiral, are you ready for your morning walk?" The young voice was that of his health attendant, Elyse Jones. She was a young girl of twenty-one. He hired her almost a year ago to just get him going in the mornings. Over time, she really almost became like family, like a great granddaughter or something.

Her motivations to work for him began because she was a history major at the local university and he was the legendary Dr. McCoy. She started working as his personal assistant, health aid, and morning walk companion but in time the two had really became good friends, age was just a number.

"Elyse my dear," he began with dryness in his throat, "now you know I'm a retired admiral. Call me Leonard. The rank thing never met much to me anyway."

With effort and time they were both walking along a well groomed path … she, holding his arm to steady … him, seeming to be in deep thought.

After ten minutes of walking in silence the young woman asked, "Dr. McCoy, you seem quiet today for a birthday boy. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything I can get for you?"

"No, no dear … nothing you can do."

She noticed the tears forming in his eyes. "Leonard, what's wrong? You know I am here because I care. You might be living history and all but you have really become my friend over the last year I have been your helper. Please talk to me about whatever it is that troubles you."

"Child … I am just haunted by memories of times long gone."

"Please share. You know I love your stories." The girl looked at him with a simple honesty that caused him to pour out his thoughts almost instantly.

"Jim," McCoy began, "I am thinking of my dear friend, Jim Kirk."

Elyse just listened with intensity.

"Jim has long since been dead. I remember the day we lost him commissioning the new Enterprise B." McCoy laughed a little as he slowly walked. "Damn it Jim, why are you dead?" McCoy titled his head back and asked to the morning sun. "I miss my friend."

"He saved me, saved us all a hundred times over. I remember when I first signed on the ship and he greeted me. I thought he was rather brash and cocky for a ship's captain," McCoy let the tears fall from his eyes, "but he proved to be the best damn ship's captain Star Fleet ever had."

"Doctor, here you go," Elyse handed him a small cloth from her pocket. She knew these days to carry a few. McCoy was such a feeling person that he often shed tears. She wondered about his younger days, how he handled so much stress back in the cowboy days of Star Fleet. McCoy's character seemed to always renew her faith in humanity.

"Thank you dear." He took the cloth and wiped his eyes slowly. They came across a park bench and he motioned for her to let him rest. "I'm an old country doctor," McCoy said with his southern charm, "not a marathon runner. I need a little rest."

As they sat down, McCoy looked at her in a deep pleading way. It made her wonder what thoughts were behind those tired eyes. Even at his age, he never ceased to amaze her.

"I don't like growing old," he finally said. It hurts so much to see friends die … leave … never come back." He began to softly cry. The tears subsided after a minute and he wiped his tired blue eyes.

"You're a beautiful young thing and hundred years ago I would have chased you round the rings of Saturn jut for a kiss," McCoy chuckled, changing the subject from what made him cry.

Elyse blushed with the compliment. She had grown to appreciate his simple country charm.

"Now, look at me … old, wrinkled, slow, forgetful." He sighed and looked away as more tears fell. "The golden years are not too golden." He decided to let it all out. Crying relieves stress he recalled.

"Leonard, you still touch a lot of people. You touch me every day," Elyse said with a reassuring tone in her voice. "When the time comes and you leave this universe for whatever awaits, I will so miss you. You taught me so much! You have shown me that life is no guarantee. You have lived beyond most all others of your generation … but Leonard, you have lived it well and you still make a difference."

McCoy patted her hand and smiled. She seemed to always say the very words he needed to hear. He thought he hired a nurse a year ago when in reality he hired a maid, a psychologist, a cook, a driver, and a friend. If she couldn't do any of those other things he would still hire her as a friend.

"You know, the last time I ever spoke to Scotty, he said something like that very thing. I asked him why he wanted to go out gallivanting across the cosmos. He said it was because he thought he could still make a difference somewhere." McCoy leaned back in deep thought once more. "A few weeks later he boarded a transport and was never heard from again. I wonder if he is making a difference where in blazes he ended up."

"Leonard, lets head back to the house. You know you have visitors this afternoon from the neurology class at the university medical center." Elyse stood first, and then helped him stand up. They slowly began their walk back toward his cabin.

"Yes, they want to ask me how I was able to put Spock's brain back in his skull with little more than a few fading memories and a couple simple tools. To this day, I can't figure out how I got his green blooded gray matter back in his skull without killing him."

"But you did," Elyse quickly added.

"I guess I did do that." McCoy smiled.

"I miss that pointy eared hobgoblin. I guess he is still out there doing good somewhere." MCCoy pondered that thought for a minute. "I think about him every day. Probably cause they left a piece if his brains scrabbled somewhere in my head when we brought him back to Vulcan."

McCoy continued thinking to himself as they walked. He replayed a hundred scenes from his past. By the time Elyse had him safely back in the house, fed, bathed, and dressed for visitors, McCoy had regained some of his old chipper self.

The students arrived, about eleven of them. They asked a few medical questions and he answered them with his routine answers. Then one student lifted her hand and asked with sincerity in her eyes, "Doctor McCoy, I understand that today is your 138th birthday. You have outlived all of your other legendary friends and associates. Where do you find your motivation to keep going?"

The professor that accompanied the small group looked at the student with a slight disdain. "Jane, let's not ask the doctor such …," McCoy cut the professor off with a simple wave of his hand.

"I guess … I carry on where my friends can no longer do so." He took a sip of water to clear his throat, and then continued. "I guess … I breathe a few extra breaths each day for Jim Kirk, Scotty, Nurse Chapel, Sulu, Chekov, and the hundreds of others that I was so privileged to stand with through so many historical events. I guess … I do it for them with the hope that somehow and somewhere in this vast universe, I will see them all again … even if only in my dreams."

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The End

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A/N: I really appreciate the kind heart and "human" nature of both the actor and the character. It is hard to imagine Mr. Kelly has been gone for so long. There will never be another. He was classic.