Chapter 1

"Why would anyone ever want something like that? Why would you even ask for that? Of course, dilation of the sphincter is, at times, used for medical purposes..."

Hermione wouldn't understand. Harry winked at Ron and they slipped away. This would be their quest, an all male quest. No women allowed.

They started at the library and squeezed past a snogging Hufflepuff couple.

"Jeez, these two are really getting at it …", Ron gasped, nudging Harry. But our intrepid protagonist was adamant on fulfilling his mission. For too long did he have to endure nothing but Ron's average size and girth. He hungered for more, especially now that he had been steered in the right direction by his friend and mentor.

He gave Ron a quick peck on the cheek and pulled him past the romancing couple, who, by now, had both pulled their stiff wands free.

"No, Ron, we don't have time for this now. Let's find that book …"

They were looking for a book called "Eldritch Secks Magixxx of Kosmiks The Girthy, Volume 3: Backdoor Shenanigans". They knew not to look in the public part of the library, walked past the restricted section and went straight for the "extremely-restricted-and-no-you-don't-even-want-to-ask-section" of the library. Some of the books here were chained to the shelves, but only those who liked it. A faint moaning was coming from between the heaps of parchment in the "periodicals"-section. Ron began to absentmindedly leave through yellowed copies of Gamewizard, while Harry let his hand run over the backs of countless sticky volumes.

"The Ether, Concerning Lubrication", he mumbled.

"No, that's too far."

"Decapitation and its use in eroticism, urgh." Too far again.

"Come on, Ron, help me look!"

Ron didn't protest, as he had seen half of the magazines in a very clandestine part of the Burrow already, where Percy used to spent most of his time during the summers.

They soon found the book they were looking for, though it was slightly misplaced. Triumph! The first part of their quest was done. Now they knew everything they needed to create the Elder Wand of Anal Penetration. Ron was baffled, though, by some of the muggle ingredients. Harry, however, knew right away what "5 AAA Batteries" meant.

"Your dad might be able to help us out on this one. He still collects plugs, doesn't he?"

"Oi mate, watch what you're saying about... oh. Oh, right, yeah, he does!"

They also needed some wood. Returning to the Gryffindor common room, they found plenty.

Ginny was there, too, explaining some of the finer points of wand-creation to Hermione. The latter, being muggle-born, knew nothing about it. She rejoined the boys as they clambered through the hole.

"Right, so I was talking to Ginny about your new wand. I'd like to join you after all."

"Sorry Hermione", Harry said, "this time it's boys only. It'd get too complicated to swap it around all the time, what with the two dormitories and all."

"Unfair!", she screamed, but Ron quickly promised to share his wand with her once he and Harry were done. This shut her up.

It was morning. The owls swooped into the Great Hall, packed to the rim with chattering students. Hedwig gingerly dropped a small parcel into Harry's waiting hand. He fed her crumbs off of his plate before opening the little envelope clumsily spellotaped to the parcel.

"Dear Harry, enclosed you will find these "Batteries" you asked me about. For once, it seems you asked me for something I don't, but Molly knows! At first, she protested quite loudly as I started packing them. But when I told her it was to further the education of our son and yours, his fine and dear friend, she was quick to agree. Please tell me what you need them for, exactly. Does it have to do with Vibracity, as Fred calls it? All the best, your friend, Arthur Weasley"

"Tonight is the night", Harry whispered to Ron, who turned pale and swallowed hard.

"Yeah, that's right friend, you better practice that", Harry went on, just as quietly but more determined. Ron dared to venture a shy smile.

"Perhaps we should let Hermione join after all? You know, just in case it gets too hard for us alone to handle …"

Hermione had looked over at the sound of her name, but they boys did their best to look inscrutable, even though sweat was beading on Ron's forehead.

Harry looked Ron square in the eye and said firmly:

„No girls, Ron, I told you. And besides, it's too hard already."

They had potions right after breakfast, and Snape was as insufferable as ever. Harry wrote a quick note to Ron:

"I can't wait to try out the EWAP tonight."

Snape, with his greasy hair and quick, slender fingers snatched up the piece of parchment before Ron could read it. He scanned it with dark eyes.

"Detention for you, Potter! Tonight, my office. And whatever this EWAP business of yours may be", and his eyes flashed dangerously, „I promise you this: Together, we shall get to the bottom of it!"