Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot and the moon.
A/N: This story is set during OoTP chapter 29 - after Harry speaks to Sirius and Remus through Doloreses fireplace. I would be ever so thankful if you took time to review
The fire crackled in the dark drawing room at nr.12 Grimmauld Place illuminating the shadowy figure of Remus Lupin who was sitting alone and quiet on the couch in front of the burning logs. The house was still and all its occupants were probably fast asleep by now. Remus was lost in thoughts of happier times. A few hours earlier he had been sitting with Sirius in the kitchen talking of old friends, pranks of their school years and everything they could remember from Hogwarts. Harry had spoken to them earlier through the fireplace. He had some questions about his parents and the marauders past. After his departure Remus and Sirius had stayed in the kitchen for a long time, remembering. They were very different in most ways but they both shared the thought that their time at Hogwarts had been the best time of their life.
When the night grew longer the old jokes started to fade and the loss started to become stronger than it had been for a long time. Sirius made up some excuses about beeing tired and went up to his room with a bottle of Firewhisky.
Remus could not bear the thought of going in to his small cold bedroom alone, neither did he fancy the idea of someone walking in on him alone in the kitchen. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be alone in a comfortable place.
Thus he had sneaked up to the drawing room and there he sat, staring into the fire, thinking of all that he had lost.
His parents had died shortly after his graduation from Hogwarts. They had been good parents, decent folk. So wonderful. After their death he had depended a lot on James. James was gone too now. James. Cheerful, funloving, extraordinary James. He had been the first one Remus had told his secret to, ever. His furry little problem, James had called it. He had never thought that Remus was different from anyone else. He had helped him forget that he really was a monster. He had made him believe that he deserved happiness like normal people. Now his wonderful friend was gone from this dark and horrible world without ever getting a chance to really get to know his own son. He never got to teach him all the wonderful things that James used to see in the world. The wonderful things that Remus tried so hard to remember but it had been a struggle since James was not around to remind him.
A few tears fell down his cheeks but he didn't care. He did nothing to dry them away.
James had been good at seeing the bright sides of life. Lily, too. Wonderful, sweet, caring Lily. She always recognised when someone wasn't doing too good. She could always see through the brave mask people put up and she was always, always ready and willing to help. She always stood up for the smallest minority. Brave, beautiful, lovely Lily.
The drawing room door flew open with a bang and Tonks came barging in.
Remus jumped at the distraction and tried to wipe his tears away before she would notice him but he was too late. She froze at the sight of him and stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Did you need anything?" he asked rather more forcefully than he had intended, trying to force his emotions under the surface. He was careful not to look at her so she wouldn't see his face.
"I was just going to pick up my book. I forgot it here earlier today," she answered hesitantly and walked slowly towards the coffee table in front of Remus where an old and battered paperback lay. She stopped in front of him.
"Remus," she said softly. "Is something wrong? Did something happen?"
He finely looked up and saw her eyes wide with worry. He tried to force a smile but without much success.
"Not today," he answered. "I've just been stuck in the past tonight"
Tonks stepped closer and kneeled sideways on the couch beside him. Remus stared stubbornly into the fire and tried to ignore the feelings that welled up inside him as he breathed in her scent. Her amazing scent.
"What were you thinking about?" she asked softly.
Remus continued to stare silently into the fire.
"Do you want me to leave?" Her voice was almost a whisper.
He couldn't stand to hear the pain in her soft voice. He knew he should ask her to leave but he couldn't.
"I was just thinking about Lily and James," he said without looking at her. He didn't dare look at her.
"Do you still miss them this much?" she asked, while tangling her fingers awkwardly in her lap.
"Every day," Remus replied. "Some days less then others but they were my best friends. They were the best thing I ever had in my life. They, my parents, who are also dead, and Sirius." A single teardrop slid down his cheek. Tonks leaned closer to him, reached her hand out and wiped it away.
He felt the warmth from her body that was almost touching him now and her scent was stronger than before. He couldn't manage to ignore his feelings anymore. He thought his heart would explode with desire. His cheek was burning from the wonderous feeling of her touch. He didn't dare to move. His breathing had quickened and he could feel her hesitate slightly before she moved in even closer and stroked her hand through his graying hair. He inhaled sharply when he felt her fingers glide through his hair and down his temple. He could smell the blood pulsing through her veins right over his face. He closed his eyes, turned his head into her palm and inhaled her amazing scent greedily. He could feel her pulse quickening under his lips as they explored her soft, warm skin. He parted his lips and let his tongue touch her skin to be able to taste her better. She tasted of vanilla and some deliciousness he could not describe. He could feel her excitement rise as she leaned even closer to him and the embrace melted into a kiss. He slid his tongue over her lips, parted them and found her tongue, ready and willing to join his in this sensous dance of passion.
His hands found her hips and he lightly lifted her up and sat her on his lap without ever breaking the kiss. Her hands dug into his hair and she was every bit as full of passion as he was. He could feel the excitement soar through him and in a swift movement he threw her down on the sofa and bore down on her. He stroked the pink hair from her face and then his hands started exploring her whole body. She was wearing a T-shirt that didn't quite reach the top of her short pink skirt. His hand wandered over her shirt and he could feel her firm and wonderful breasts underneath it. She wasn't wearing a bra. He quickly removed her shirt and barely noticed that his own shirt was flying off him. He allowed himself a moment to take in the luscious feeling when her naked, firm breasts rubbed against his naked body. His hands began exploring again as his lips found her breast and his tongue played with her nipple. She moaned as his hand stroked her naked thigh and lifted up her skirt. He felt up her thigh and was pleasantly suprised to find that she had no underwear on.
"I was already getting ready for bed when I realized I had forgotten my book" she explained bashfully.
He didn't want to talk right now. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to do.
He reached up and kissed her forcefully while he pulled down his own pants.
As he thrust himself inside her he could hear her moan against his mouth as they became one.
---
It took Remus a while to remember why he was in the drawing room when he woke up in the middle of the night. Why was he sleeping on the couch and why was there a warm, naked body curled up against him? A body that smelled like Tonks.
Tonks!
His eyes flew open and he looked down. In his arms was a sleeping Nymphadora Tonks, smiling and looking so young and peaceful.
'What have I done' Remus thought, panic surging through his soul. He had known that Tonks had some romantic feelings for him and he was completely in love with her himself but he had promised himself that he would never act on it, that he could control himself. What had he done? What had he done to her? Now her feelings for him would grow even stronger when she knew how he felt. She probably thought what happend was his declaration that he wanted them to be together. He knew that could never be. She could never be his. Not completely, not for real. He had nothing to offer her, she deserved a lot better then him. First of all, he was much older than she was and that was the least of his problems. He was a werewolf. What kind of a life could he offer this amazing lady? He couldn't even take care of himself. He had no money, no job. He could never take care of a wife or a family.
Family!
How was he supposed to be able to be part of a family? He turned into a monster every full moon. He could rip his family apart on a bad day.
He could rip Tonks apart.
He could hurt her.
Sweet, wonderful Tonks.
He could feel the sweat starting to pour down his forehead.
He would not let that happen. He couldn't, he wouldn't. He managed to get up from the couch without waking her, found a blanket and wrapped it around the sleeping beauty he was leaving behind. He took his clothes and sneaked away to his room where he crawled into bed and hid under the sheets.
He could remember the day he first met her.
It was the day of her first meeting of the Order of the Pheonix. Kingsley had brought her in and Dumbledore had introduced her to the meeting. He rememebered how surprised he was at seeing her. He had known that Sirius's younger cousin was joining but he had never imagined that she was so beautiful, so sparkling with life. It was as if a fresh spring breeze went around the room as she entered it. The whole house and everything Remus ever connected to the Black family was gray and stuffy, except for Sirius himself and evidently this pink, sparkling beauty. He remembered thinking she was lucky she was so closely related to Sirius or else she would probably have gotten in trouble with the great Gryffindor Hartbreaker - Padfoot.
Remus bit his bottom lip when he remembered that thought.
'She would have been much better off with Sirius than with me,' he thought with bitter realization.
He remembered that when they sat down to dinner that evening she had sat down beside him. She had looked him straight in the eyes, smiled brightly, said hello and asked:
"You are Remus Lupin, right?"
She had noticed that he was a bit shocked by that knowledge.
"I came here the day before yesterday and met Sirius. I met him once when I was a kid and never after that until now. My mother had told me a lot of stories about him, though, so I was really happy to see him. He told me about you."
"He did?" Remus had answered rather sceptically. What had Sirius told her?
"Oh, nothing bad, I assure you," she had said, laughing at his expression. "He told me that you are his best friend from school and quite frankly, there are not a lot of people in here today that look like they were Sirius's friend at Hogwarts." She gestured around the room. She was right. Only Dumbledore, McGonagall, Sirius, Arthur, Hagrid, Kingsley, Molly and the Weasley kids were present and none of them matched that description.
"Hmm, well, yes you are right. I am Remus Lupin," he answered and smiled back.
But she had not finished shocking him yet.
"Are you going to the Ministry's Werewolf Regestry Lockdown for the full moon this weekend?" she had asked him without any hasitation.
He had almost swallowed his tongue with shock. He would never have guessed that she knew he was a werewolf before she asked that. Most people who knew were awkward and afraid of him but she acted like there was nothing in the world as normal as changing into a beast every full moon.
"Err... well... No," he replied, still thoroughly confused. "Severus Snape has been making me wolfsbane potion. I drink that and then I can sleep, harmless in my room here while the full moon runs its course."
"Wow, that's great," she had answered. "You're lucky. My friend from Auror training has a younger brother who was bitten a couple of years ago. He always has to go to the Ministry and those cells there are such rat holes. I took him there a few times and got to see it. It's a horrible place."
'Ah, that explains it,' Remus had thought. 'She knows another werewolf so she's not prejudiced.' He had gotten a really fuzzy feeling towards her at that moment.
"Have you ever been there?" she had asked as she reached for the water jug.
"Well, yes. A few times," he stuttered just before she dropped the jug, splashing the water all over the table and leaving the both of them dripping wet. She had turned so pink that her face matched her pink hair.
Remus remembered he had to work really hard not to laugh. He had smiled and winked at her while he waved his wand and cleared up the mess before anyone noticed what had happened.
"Don't worry, it's all right," he had said to comfort her.
She had looked him in the eye, smiled a little embarrassed but with an expression of gratitude.
"Thank you," she had whispered.
Remus had been very thankful to be sitting down at that moment because he was sure that his knees would have given in had he been standing.
He remembered thinking that there probably was nothing in this whole wide world as wonderful as this person sitting beside him.
He had been carrying these feelings inside him ever since and they had only grown stronger. He had told himself over and over that he was to old, too dangerous, too poor for her. It had been going well. They were good friends but nothing more.
Until tonight.
He was startled from his thoughts as he heard a creak in the floorboards in the hallway. He knew it was her as he heard her footsteps come closer to his door. His heart was pounding in his chest but he lay completely still with his eyes closed and pretended to sleep as he heard her carefully open the door. He could feel her scent fill the room and remembered instantly how good it had felt to taste her, to feel her laying underneath him, in his arms. He forced himself to lay still, he was not going to make the same mistake again. He couldn't. He would just make it worse by giving in to the temptation again. He had to be strong.
She slowly made her way to the bed through the darkness, hit her foot on his dresser, fell down and landed on a little table, sending the candlestick previously standing on it flying into the wall.
"Rats," she swore under her breath.
Remus knew he couldn't pretend too sleep much longer, the noise she was making was enough to wake up the whole house. He sneaked a peek and saw her kneeling on the floor searching for the candlestick without much luck. She evidently did not share his good night vision. She finally abandoned her search and stood up again. Remus had to use all his strength and concentration not to brake his cover as he looked at her. She had put on a short, almost seethrough, bright pink babydoll and her pink hair was now shoulder length. He had never in his life seen such beauty.
She was perfect.
She looked his way and he hurriedly closed his eyes again and pretended not to have been woken up by her clumsiness. She continued her way to the bed and her eyes seemed to be adjusting to the darkness. When she found the bed she slipped under the covers and joined him in his warm bed. At that moment the almost full moon came through the clouds and shed a little light through an opening in the curtains.
"Yeah, now you show up," she muttered under her breath as she looked through the window.
She turned her focus back to Remus and laid her hand on his bare chest and let it wander down his torso examining it closely. Remus felt a new surge of desire wash over him but forced himself to be completely still so he would not encourage her further. He sorely regretted not putting on pajamas. He had never expected her to follow him to his room.
Tonks continued to examine him, stroking his chest and abdomen. She seemed to be enjoying the opportunity to touch him and look at him without interruptions. She drew the sheets down and revealed the finely toned body, covered with scars. She ran her fingers over the biggest scars and then the smaller ones. It was like she was memorizing each and every one of them. Remus was completely still, though he guessed she had figured out the deception.
She continued to examine his scars with her fingers and then she leaned over his chest and started placing kisses on the biggest ones.
He had never shown these scars to anyone. Not even his closest friends. On hot summer days he never took his shirt off like his friends did because he didn't want to show others the ugly scars that served as a constant reminder of the beast he had inside.
He felt a small warm drop land on his chest and then another one and he heard that she was crying. His eyes flew open and he looked down at her. She had stopped kissing the scars and lay with her head on his chest and cried silently. He felt like his heart was breaking. He couldn't watch her cry. He wrapped his hands slowly around her and rose up a bit, leaning back against the headbord. She laid still curled up at his chest with his arms tight around her.
"Darling, what's wrong?" he asked confused and stroked the pink hair from her face and tried to dry the tears that were streaming down her beautiful cheeks. She traced the biggest scar that went from above his right chest down below his bellybutton.
"I didn't know," she stuttered through the muffled cry. "I didn't know that it was this bad."
Remus felt his body go stiff as a board and realized that he was getting defensive despite his better intentions.
'I knew she wouldn't want me,' he thought to himself. 'Now she's finally realizing what I truly am and then she wants to back out.' He felt his heart breaking at her rejection. Even though he had known all along, it was hard to lose the smallest hope of what could have been.
"Nobody is asking you to stay here against your will," he answered harshly, anger and hurt shining through his eyes. "If you can't handle it it's simply best that you leave right now." Why was he so angry? Wasn't this exactly what he had been telling himself? That he wasn't good enough for her. He had been holding back for months to protect her and now that she had realized that she didn't want him he should be relieved.
But he wasn't. He was angry and hurt. And he almost never got angry.
Tonks slowly lifted her head of his chest and stared at him in disbelief.
"Are you insane?" she asked him. "I didn't mean that I couldn't handle it. I was simply sharing your pain. I didn't know how much pain you have to put up with on a monthly basis. I knew that transformations were painful but I didn't know they were this bad. I cried because I wished I had been here with you. To nurse you back to health after the changes, to comfort you, to love you." she trailed off in a whisper.
Remus thought his heart had stopped beating for a little while. Was this real? Did she really want him in spite of his inner monster? Could she seriously look past the monster and see only the man?
"I thought you knew me better then this, Remus," she accused him. "I thought you knew that I don't care that you are a werewolf. I am not afraid of you. I know you and you are the most wonderful, caring, kind man in the world and I am not leaving. Not now, not ever. Not after what we shared tonight. Tonight I finally realized that you feel the same things for me as I feel for you and I am not letting you go now, Remus Lupin. Not when I finally have you as mine." Her voice was firm and had note of determination to it.
He stared at her for a while. He didn't know how to react to this. He had been planning to end this. He knew this could not be a permanent arrangement. She could not be his for ever but he also knew that tonight he could not make her go away. He knew that she would not listen to him tonight and he knew that he couldn't bear losing her right now. He would end things tomorrow but before they would be over they would at least get one night together.
He leaned in towards her and kissed her passionately.
Tonight she belonged to him and he belonged to her.