It isn't often that they get to just sit around and do nothing. Normally, when the occasion arrives that they do have time to burn, Deidara would be the first to leave the hideout to gather more clay, or go out and exercise his art, or whatever else he does.
He would never, ever, let Tobi join in on the fun. Tobi thinks that it's the worst thing that has ever happened to him whenever he doesn't see his senpai for an entire day, while Obito thinks that it should be a cause to celebrate.
There's just something about Deidara that makes Obito feel uneasy. A strange churning in his stomach that he cannot name, even though it feels vaguely familiar.
Which is why he isn't exactly thrilled to be sitting here with him in one of their remote hideouts, facing each other at the table.
Obito tries his best to sit casually, propping one leg up and resting his arm on his knee, regarding the bottle of sake that Deidara had procured earlier by some unknown means.
He wonders if Deidara actually expects Tobi to drink that. He should at least grasp that Tobi would never do something like this.
Though, Obito wouldn't mind enjoying a flask.
Or five.
He can't really expose himself now, though. Tobi tilts his head in confusion, regarding his senpai with as much curiosity as he could muster today. They have nothing to do and the entire hideout is theirs for probably the whole week, surely Deidara would want to run off as soon as possible.
Tobi conveys as much when he speaks.
"Is senpai not going out today?" he asks as innocently as possible.
"No, hm," Deidara says, lone eye narrowing in a way that Obito doesn't like. He's suspicious of something and Obito doesn't know if he should be cautious or let Tobi go as he pleases.
"What are we doing then, Deidara-senpai?"
"We're spending quality time together, as teammates, yeah," Deidara says, finally reaching forward and grabbing the bottle of sake, pouring a generous amount into the flasks in front of them. He sets down the bottle and pushes one toward Tobi before reaching for the other one.
He doesn't even wait for Tobi to take it and downs it in one go, slamming the flask down hard on the table, hissing out as he swallows.
Tobi glances down at the flask offered to him and Obito eventually decides to take it, after Deidara raises an eyebrow expectantly at him. Guess he's not escaping this.
He wonders, as he reaches over to take the small flask, pinching it between his thumb and pointer, if Deidara means to heighten their teamwork during this quality time spending. Obito wonders if it's something that Tobi has done wrong. He's pretty much followed everything that Deidara wants him to do. He takes all the preparation part of his techniques and does all of the fawning. Isn't that what Deidara wants?
In fact, when they first sat down together as a fresh team, Deidara did not withhold any information. Obito supposes that it's how teamwork should be, since it would do good if your partner is knowledgeable of your abilities and make them work with your own, in order to create the best combo to take down your enemies.
There's no way Deidara would have developed a new move in the amount of time they've been partnered together. Right?
Tobi turns away, as he always does, to move his mask to the side and down the drink. The familiar burn of alcohol soothes his racing mind, but as always, it leaves him grimacing at the aftertaste.
He fixes his mask into place and turns back to the table, placing the flask on to the surface with a lot more finesse than Deidara had.
When he finally looks up at Deidara, he is greeted by an expression that carries an interesting mix of emotions. Of impression, confusion, and contempt.
"So, what are we going to do together?" Tobi asks, trying to dispel the strange mix on Deidara's face.
"We're going to talk, hm," Deidara says, reaching out once more and refilling their flasks.
Obito gaps. Talk? Talk about what? He has half the mind to tell Deidara to perhaps calm it with the alcohol, but the more he lets his mind chew on the new bits of information that Deidara is giving, the more he wants to reach for that bottle to just chug it all.
Why is he anxious? He doesn't need to be anxious. There's no need to be anxious.
His mind is racing.
He doesn't like that Deidara is doing this to him. He doesn't like the whole talking deal. Who on Earth decided to create this phrase? That phrase gives no one pleasure and everyone just hates it.
Why is he feeling this way? Obito's guess is Deidara, but he doesn't know why.
He hates that.
He wishes that it means he hates Deidara and then the story will be over, but his wish is not granted.
"I've been thinking, hm," Deidara continues after a beat and Obito hates himself for turning two seconds into a much longer period. "We don't really know that much about each other. Sure, it's not necessary since teamwork is mostly just about our abilities, but it seems like I'm not offered a backstory on your abilities while mine is as plain as day, hm. I just think it's a bit unfair, that's all."
"It's not my fault that everyone knows who you are, senpai," Tobi says, trying to make his voice sound as whiny as possible. "I think you won't be able to write the word 'subtle' to save your life."
Deidara shoots him a glare, reaching for his flask of sake. "I can be subtle if I want to, hm," he grunts, swallowing the alcohol. "You better keep that in mind, dumbass."
Obito grins at that. The old Deidara is back. He likes this Deidara more. The hotheadedness drives every other thought away and Obito can momentarily forget who he is and just be in the moment with his partner.
He hates being aware.
He hates it especially when he sees the fight in Deidara melt away as he goes and refills his flask once more.
"So, tell me about yourself, yeah," Deidara says and then falls silent.
It's a thick blanket on top of Obito and the only thing that is thicker than the atmosphere now is his throat. Obito tries to swallow, but he finds that his mouth is dry.
He downs the sake without turning away, his mask pushed to the side. He's long since given up caring, Deidara has always been curious and this might be the reason why. If he does this, maybe Deidara would shut up and leave him alone.
Deidara doesn't give away his surprise, even though Obito could sense it very well.
"There's not much to tell, senpai," Tobi opts to say instead, giving up on fixing his mask.
"There's plenty to tell, hm," Deidara says, eyes transfixed and unmoving. "Tell me why you wear that mask."
"Why does anyone wear a mask? I don't want people to see my face."
"You're letting me see some of it, hm," Deidara points out.
"Because I want you to know there's nothing special about it."
"Why not? Everything has a story."
"Some stories belong to people who end up being nothing in the end. Those stories are not worth telling."
Deidara falls silent and Obito doesn't expect to talk for a while, so he reaches out and refills his flask, downing it once more.
He breathes heavily through his nose, unsure if he should just stand up and leave at this point. There really isn't a reason to stay, Obito thinks, Deidara is just going to hassle him with more questions that he doesn't want to answer. He thinks he remembers there's another room at the opposite side of the hideout — that, or he can just head up. The hideout is larger than most remember.
"Tell me about someone else, then," Deidara says, snapping Obito out of his reverie. "Tell me about someone who is something, hm."
Obito narrows his eyes at him, though it would go unnoticed due to the way the band of his mask is covering the top half of his face. His frown, however, is very much visible.
"Tell me about Rin, hm," Deidara says, voice firm and leaving no room for argument.
Obito is taken aback. Rin? How does he know about Rin?
He must have seen the slight twitch at the corner of his lip because Deidara leans back, posture relaxing. "You talk in your sleep, sometimes," Deidara explains. "I wouldn't have known if you didn't insist on sleeping under the stars a couple of weeks ago, hm."
So, it's his fault, then. If he would have just listened to Deidara and gone to a nearby town to sleep at an inn, they wouldn't even be here right now.
How would he have known he'd talk in his sleep? No one has ever told him.
"So?" Deidara once again takes him out of his own thoughts, something that he's very good at doing, and raises an eyebrow expectantly at him.
"I used to be teammates with her," Obito begrudgingly begins, feeling as though someone is repeatedly stabbing him in the abdomen as he thinks about what to say next. He hasn't talked about her in so long. "I think we used to be good friends."
"Think?"
"I hope we were good friends, it's really hard to tell with her. She's kind to everyone, now that I think about it. She did tell me she looks after her friends, after all."
"So she views you as her friend, hm."
"Just a friend," Obito muses, quiet.
Deidara huffs and Obito looks up, watching him.
"You sound disappointed. What, were you in love her or something, hm?"
Obito turns away again, watching the clock that hangs on the wall behind Deidara tick. He doesn't say anything, but at this point, he doesn't think he needs to.
Deidara scoffs and Obito thinks he hears the disappointment in his voice, but he doesn't say anything. He just sits there, unmoving.
"You were in love with her," Deidara says, voice bitter and tight.
At that moment, Obito feels oddly guilty. A shame bubbles deep in his throat, choking him a lot harsher than the sake could ever manage. He moves, gingerly, as he puts his knee back down to cross his legs and places his elbows on the table.
Even though he wants to, he doesn't refill his flask to drink again.
He waits with bated breath for Deidara's response, but he doesn't talk. Deidara remains quiet.
Eventually, the silence bites at him. Obito shifts and he decides to continue the story since this is what Deidara wanted in the first place.
"It wasn't long until I found out that she liked our other teammate more," Obito says, eyes now diverting to the patterns on the table. It isn't like Deidara would know what he is looking at, but he just couldn't watch Deidara's face.
Obito doesn't even know if he's still mad at everything, for the universe has forced him to fall into an unrequited love at such a young age.
Deidara breathes and Obito tenses.
"How old were you, hm?"
The question startles him despite his preparation.
"Young," Obito replies.
Deidara must be really done with his crypticness as he reaches out and pours himself a flask and after a few moments of stillness reaches over and refills Tobi's flask.
Though, Deidara did want to see underneath the mask. This is what is underneath.
"Younger than you are now," Obito offers when he senses Deidara's fuse beginning to burn. He reaches out and takes the flask, holding it firmly in his hand.
"And you're still obsessed with her, hm?" Deidara asks before downing his drink.
"It is love."
"You don't know what love is."
Obito stares at the way the sake ripples in his cup. He doesn't respond.
"There are plenty of other people out there, Tobi, hm," Deidara says, deflating a little. "There's no need to cling on to something that never was."
"Perhaps," Obito replies bitterly, twisting the cup in circles between his finger and thumb. "But she was the first person who saw me. She really saw me."
"I see you."
"No," Obito scoffs. "You see no one."
Deidara pours himself another drink.
Obito sighs harshly and puts his head in the crook of his left arm, digging his fingers into his scalp. He could feel the drinks now, loosening the jumpy feelings in his belly and silencing the noisy sounds in his head. He feels numb.
"How can you know what love is?" Obito decides to say. "You preach the fleeting moments of life. Love is not beautiful fleeting."
"Are you upset now that she's off with your other teammate, yeah?"
"No, I am upset that she's dead."
Deidara doesn't offer his condolences. Obito wouldn't have wanted him to.
Obito takes advantage of the silence that has fallen between them to sit up. He tightens his hold on his flask and downs its contents in one go, grimacing once more at the feeling of it sliding down his throat. It is bitter and it chases away the image of Rin being impaled by Kakashi's technique.
His mind settles once more, but it bristles for another reason when he hears Deidara's next question.
"What's your family name, hm?" Deidara asks.
"What's yours?" Obito counters.
"I don't have one, hm," Deidara replies, nonchalant. "I won't judge you if you don't, either."
"What do you mean you don't have one? Everyone has a family."
Deidara rolls his shoulders. "I was an orphan, from what I was told, hm," he says. Obito remembers that he is Onoki's disciple. "Obviously, I had parents, yeah, but I didn't have a family. Old man Onoki took care of me for the most part. He never told me anything about my parents, so I took it to mean he didn't know anything about them."
A fair assumption.
"What about Onoki's other disciples? Did you grow up with them?"
"I suppose, hm," Deidara shrugs once more. "Spent more time with Kurotsuchi since she's always been around."
"Are you close with her?"
"Don't know. She started calling me 'big brother' after a while."
"Maybe she views you as family. It's not that uncommon for comrades or teammates to begin to view each other as family."
Deidara clicks his tongue. "What kind of family, I wonder?"
For the first time since the beginning of this conversation, Obito cracks a small smile. He likes it when the attention is no longer on him.
"What kind of family do you think?"
Obito doesn't know why he asked. It leaves a strange sour feeling in his mouth that is nothing short of unpleasant.
"Nothing like what you are thinking about, yeah," Deidara scoffs, once again pouring himself a drink. He doesn't move to help Tobi refill his flask. "She is not my type at all."
"What is your type?" Tobi asks innocently.
"Hey," Deidara puts down the bottle of sake, raising a hand and pointing a finger accusingly at Tobi's face. He shakes it a little bit as he continues. "This conversation is about you and your unhealthy obsession with something in the past, hm. Do not turn it on me."
"Senpai is so boring," Tobi whistles, though he doesn't attempt to argue. He recognizes the tone Deidara is using. He talks like this when he's explaining his art, or his philosophy, or whatever else that he might want to go on a tangent about. Tobi likes to use those times to catch up on his rest.
He supposes he can't now.
"Listen up, Tobi, hm," Deidara says. "Don't you ever get what I am saying to you? Don't think my art is just some bullshit that you can ignore because it's flashy and on the surface, hm. There is much more than that."
Obito rolls his eyes and reaches for the bottle of sake.
Deidara reaches out and slaps his hand away, leaning forward and snapping his fingers at his face. Obito wonders if Deidara is getting a little bit intoxicated and the thought of it is suddenly very hilarious.
"Why are you smiling? Stop it, hm," Deidara growls, slamming his palm flat on the table and Obito notices the way Deidara's flask of sake threatens to spill its contents. "You have to listen to me when I talk to you, okay? Tell me what you know about my art."
"You think that whatever is fleeting is beautiful," Tobi says, exasperated.
"It's more than that, hm," Deidara sighs and sits back down properly. "It is the current moment of now that is remarkably unique. There is never going to be another 'now' that is exactly as it is currently, hm. That is what makes it beautiful. That is what I love."
"Love is a generally beautiful thing. So you think love is fleeting, too?"
"Not all love, hm," Deidara replies. "Everyone knows that the thrill of chasing after someone is amazing. The adrenaline of a new lover that slips from our grasp and yet is always there. The little fleeting moments of something stuck between solid and abstract, hm. That's beautiful.
"But everyone also knows that the feeling completely diminishes when the relationship becomes solid and it becomes clear that 'love' is just 'obsession,' hm, and there is nothing more to gain. That's not beautiful. Real love, the passionate love, love that you feel so deep in your bones that will never go because it renews every day, hm.
"Falling in love with something every day, the fleeting feeling of a little idyllic romance that remains in your heart forever like a replay of some fireworks festival, hm. That's beautiful. Love so strong that you find more and more reasons to hold on to it every day, and yet when you explain these reasons to someone, they would not understand.
"I love my art, hm. I want to show the world why it is so beautiful because passion and love are explosive. It gives the person a moment's glory and the effect it has is permanent. It leaves a mark, yeah, and that is—"
"Beautiful," Obito helps him finish, though he no longer forces himself to sound bored.
Deidara grins at him and Obito wonders if that is the second most beautiful thing he has ever seen.
"So tell me, did you wake up every day, finding new things to love Rin for? Or is it just some puppy obsession because she was the first person who really showed you affection outside of your, uh, family?"
Something breaks within Obito.
He did find something new to fall in love with every day.
He is scared.
"I had an entire clan that shared my last name, and I had a grandmother," Obito begins, drawing patterns on the table with the tip of his finger. "My parents died when I was young so she took care of me. I tried to fit in with my clan, but their standards were too high and I always felt like I couldn't keep up.
"No one really expected anything of me. They say I was too carefree, too lazy and irresponsible to really measure up to something worthwhile. No one really wanted to help me, but then Rin was there.
"And then she was always there. She helped me through a lot and she told me that she believed in me, so I thought…"
The more he thinks, the more it hurts.
"I was just a kid," Obito tries. "I didn't know. I thought… Well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I admit it. You're right. Love is more than just that."
Deidara grins.
"Tell me now, what do you know about love, hm?"
"I don't know," Obito admits.
Deidara's grin widens.
"But you feel it."
"Yes."
"What is it like?"
"Intense. Sometimes to the point of pain when I look at them, but the feeling lasts only a moment and then I want to feel it again. When they get excited about something, I get excited with them. It fills me with joy when they talk animatedly about what they love and what they preach. I might not understand what they are preaching, exactly, but their excitement makes me happy nonetheless.
"I am in love with the pure and passionate energy."
Deidara's grin falls and he blinks at Tobi. He looks down at his abandoned drink and Obito wonders if he's contemplating finishing it, but he brushes away the thought when Deidara speaks.
"When is this, hm?"
Something shifts within Obito and he squares himself. He knows now.
"Right now."
Deidara's surprise is evident in the way his eyes widen and the way his jaw slackens.
There is nothing between them now. It is raw. It is naked.
Deidara licks his lips and he looks as though he is pondering what to say next.
"And who are you now?"
Obito is stripped to his core and there is nothing left but the truth.
"Obito."
And when Deidara looks back at Tobi, he sees Obito.
Hey guys, Red here!
Beta'd by AO3 user Kate_Black14.
Inspired by What We Talk About When We Talk About Love [IN] What We Talk About When We Talk About Love by Raymond Carver.
I wrote this with FocusWriter and it's just an honest blessing. I've finished this in record time! Two days! It really does good to keep distractions away.
As always, please leave a review if you liked (or disliked) this story! Any feedback is much appreciated. It lets me know whether or not someone is actually reading this.