Summary: Thieves of Hearts is a dating sim game that grew popular. Akira just got his hands on a copy. Cue him crying about it to his lil' gremlin of a cousin. Chatfic.
Note: the idea just came to me in a haze of wild inspiration. Enjoy. *plops fic into your lap and strolls away*
Warnings: How Do I Tag Warnings?, P5 As A Dating Sim And Akira Plays It, Futaba-Akira As Cousins, Akira Wants To Date Everyone, Games And Their Multiple Endings.
Disclaimer: Don't own P5.
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Akira: I fully blame you for this
Futaba: Bring on the blame
Futaba: It's my life force
Akira: who are the horrible, horrible people who made this game?
Akira: there are TOO MANY PRETTY PEOPLE IN HERE
Akira: HOW am I supposed to pick ONE TO DATE?
Futaba: multiple playthroughs, noob
Akira: STILL
Akira: any recommendations?
Futaba: I thought you didn't want any spoilers?
Akira: no spoilers
Akira: but who do you think would be a good choice for a first playthrough?
Futaba: oho?
Futaba: you want to ask me who I think would be a good choice to take your virginity?
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: the protag's virginity
Akira: the PROTAG'S
Futaba: eh well
Futaba: there really is no special preference
Futaba: but a fair warning
Futaba: you should steer clear of pancake boy
Akira: pancake boy?
Futaba: you'll find out later farther down the road
Akira: okay
Akira: alright
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Akira: I'm a thief
Akira: the leader of a group of thieves
Akira: phantom thieves
Akira: IS THERE A RIVAL I COULD SEDUCE?
Futaba: didn't you say you wanted to romance nishima?
Akira: it's MISHIMA
Futaba: whatever
Futaba: anyway, you changed your mind?
Akira: NO
Akira: this game is too horrible for him!
Akira: he needs love!
Akira: if no one is going to love him
Akira: then I WILL
Futaba: sure
Futaba: whatever floats your boat
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Akira: this game isn't good for my heart
Akira: I'm surrounded by too many pretty, romanceable people
Akira: and I want to romance them ALL
Akira: I can't wait until I start my second playthrough
Futaba: and then you'll have to pick again
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Akira: I think I understand what you meant by steering clear of pancake boy
Futaba: oh? You're there already?
Akira: he's so gay for the protag
Akira: so gay I can see him puking rainbows
Akira: also he's a DETECTIVE
Akira: MY RIVAL
Akira: RIVAL ME HARDER PLEASE
Futaba: I thought you were in a committed relationship with nishima
Akira: MISHIMA
Akira: and I am!
Akira: I'm simply appreciating the other characters
Akira: like my rival
Akira: and my pure soft Ryuji
Akira: and my literal ray of sunshine Ann
Akira: and my too attractive for this world artist buddy Yusuke
Akira: (I need to FEED THIS GUY I SWEAR)
Akira: and my awkward queen Makoto
Akira: and Chihaya, the fortune teller with the MOST ADORABLE FROWN TO EVER GRACE THIS EARTH
Akira: you think I can romance the owner of the airsoft shop?
Futaba: I thought you didn't want spoilers?
Akira: I DON'T
Akira: I'll stop asking!
Akira: I'll keep on playing and keep you posted
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Akira: YUUKI IS A FOURTH WALL AWARE YANDERE?
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: F
Akira: U
Akira: T
Akira: A
Akira: B
Akira: A
Akira: !
Akira: FUTABA PLEASE
Futaba: yeah alright
Futaba: I heard you the first 100 times
Futaba: cool it
Futaba: yeah nishima is a fourth wall aware yandere
Akira: it's MISHIMA
Futaba: oh come ON
Akira: I WON'T STOP
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Akira: oh come on
Akira: I can't believe I got the bad ending?
Akira: I need to go cry
Akira: Yuuki my love why did you have to go and kill pancake boy?
Futaba: you know in nishima's route
Akira: MISHIMA
Futaba: you have to be careful of who you spend your time with
Futaba: you spend a lot of time with pancake boy and boom
Futaba: pancake boy gets killed
Futaba: you spend a lot of time with inari and boom
Futaba: inari gets killed
Futaba: so
Futaba: second playthrough?
Akira: maybe…
Akira: maybe not yet…
Akira: it's STILL TOO SOON
Akira: my heart can't take it now
Futaba: suit yourself
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Akira: I'm back and I'm READY
Akira: MY HEART IS READY
Akira: MY SOUL IS READY
Akira: MY BODY IS READY
Akira: I'm going to romance Ryuji this time
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Akira: oh god why is he so pure
Akira: he's so soft
Akira: so much sunshine
Akira: I have
Akira: so much love to give him
Akira: but god the dialogue options are terrifying
Akira: I can't distinguish the romance options from between them
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Akira: I got the good ending for him?
Akira: I accidentally FRIENDZONED HIM?
Akira: WHAT
Akira: HOW
Akira: WHY
Akira: okay that's it
Akira: I'm spite-playing another playthrough
Futaba: mwehehehehehe
Futaba: what's your pick this time?
Akira: Makoto
Futaba: wow
Futaba: color me surprised
Fuatba: I thought you'd pick Inari
Futaba: you've been mooning over him since you started playing.
Akira: next playthough
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Akira: PANCAKE BOY
Akira: PANCAKE BOY WHY
Akira: PANCAKE BOY WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU
Futaba: oooh you're at the part where you get shot by Akechi?
Akira: YES
Akira: AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND
Akira: I THOUGHT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME?
Akira: wait
Akira: WAIT
Akira: I'm… alive?
Akira: it was a trick?
Akira: holy shit
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: this game…
Akira: this game ACTUALLY HAS A PLOT BEYOND THE DATING?
Futaba: yep
Akira: FUCK YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE ENDINGS OF THE ROMANCE ROUTES WEREN'T THE ACTUAL ENDINGS OF THE GAME?
Futaba: :3
Akira: FUCK
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Akira: PANCAKE BOY STRIKES AGAIN
Akira: AND HE PIERECES RIGHT THROUGH MY HEART
Akira: I can't believe he just SACRIFIED HIS LIFE FOR ME
Akira: man…
Akira: I'm sorry Goro-chan
Akira: I'm so so sorry I doubted the sincerity of your feelings towards me
Akira: and I swear
Akira: I'm going to romance you next!
Futaba: what about inari?
Akira: I'm pretty sure my Too Beautiful For This World BF can wait for me for a playthrough or twenty
Akira: (I love you too Yusuke!)
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Akira: Futaba
Akira: Futaba
Akira: Futaba you little gremlin
Akira: Futaba you little devious trickster
Akira: WHY did you tell me to steer clear of Goro-chan?
Akira: BECAUSE THE ENDING
Akira: THE ENDING FUTABA
Akira: YALDABAOTH. SATANAEL. SAVING CHRISTMAS WITH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.
Akira: SATANAEL FUTABA
Akira: SATANAEL
Futaba: you're still playing pancake boy's route?
Akira: no I just finished his TRUE ENDING. ON WHITE DAY.
Futaba: so the game is still going?
Akira: I'm at the credits
Akira: why does the protag have to return?
Akira: why can't he stay in Tokyo with his family and BF?
Futaba: wait for it
Akira: wait for what?
Akira: Futaakjsdhkasgdas
Akira: OH SHIT
Akira: WHAT
Akira: WHAT IS THIS GAME
Akira: WHAT DO THEY MEAN THIS ISN'T THE GAME'S TRUE ENDING?
Akira: AFTER EVERYTHING?
Akira: and it's JUST THE GOOD ENDING?
Akira: FUTABA
Akira: I DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILERS ANYMORE
Akira: HOW DO I GET THE TRUE ENDING FUTABA
Futaba: well then
Futaba: it's time for you to start another playthrough
Futaba: and utilize all your skills to go through every single romance route until you get the true ending for each one
Akira: and then?
Futaba: and then your time management skills better be Legendary because you'll have to start a new playthrough and go for the poly route
Akira: POLY
Akira: DID YOU JUST SAY POLY
Futaba: yes
Futaba: now get off your ass
Futaba: getting Ann's true ending is a journey
Futaba: and you have to be careful not to fall into the bad ending of the poly route, the harem ending
Futaba: get ready, kiddo, because god is going to achieve perfection through you
Akira: I AM READY
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Extra:
Futaba: Thank you for using the services of the talking playthrough guide
Futaba: your total reaches 666 curry meals
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End