Title: Mercy
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category:CD,Mulder angst, V
Spoiler: Pilot, Duane Barry
Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se
Summary: Scully is killed in a car crash and Mulder goes after
her killer.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX
and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur. I want to say thank you to Piper for helping me
out with this and to Dana for showing me the right way.:)..Thank you
both so much. Tack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The stars have come out in all their glory tonight.
But they no longer bring me comfort.
As darkness of the night creeps closer, the cold winds chill me right
into the bone.
The gun seems heavy in my hand, bigger somehow. I have loaded the
chamber with just one bullet.
It takes just one.
I wonder how long it will take for them to find me. I don't know why
I chose this place. Maybe because I have always loved the forest.
I don't know. I don't care.
I turn off the car-radio.
I have opened the windows of the car to let
the cold winds inside. A part of me is hoping I would freeze before
I have worked up the courage to do what I came here to do.
The necklace is hanging from the rear view mirror reminding me of my
purpose here. Her mother gave it to me a couple of days ago, thinking
it might ease my pain. But all it did was opening up old wounds.
I remember a time when that necklace was my only comfort.
I clung to it like my life was depending on it.
These days I fear it.
Memories come back to haunt me.
I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me.
She left this world seven days ago.
Seven days ago my world fell apart.
She was smiling the last time I saw her. She was standing in the
doorway to the office. She was just about to leave. I can't remember
what we talked about. All I can remember is her. I said goodbye to
her not knowing that it would be the last time I saw her alive. If
I knew then what I know now I would have kept her by my side.
The phone woke me from my dreams. I dragged myself off the couch and
picked up the phone.
It's funny how fast a life can change. My life changed with that
phone call. I can't remember exactly what was said or how I acted.
All I can remember is feeling totally numb.
I don't know how I got there. It's amazing that I didn't crash into
something. I drove like a mad man, hardly seeing anything.
"Where is she!?"
I ran like a mad man through the halls of the hospital. In my ears a
voice screamed that I was too late.
I found Maggie Scully in the emergency waiting room. She looked up as
soon as I ran through the doors. Our eyes met and I knew right then
and there that I was too late. But I wouldn't listen.
"Where is she?"
She rose from her chair and walked towards me. Her face was pale and
her eyes were dark as he spoke.
"They worked on her for hours. But they couldn't...."
When her words sunk in the pain came knocking.
"No it can't be!!"
We have been here so many times before. I never thought it could end
like this. Not here.
"She is dead, Mulder."
I just stood there like a fool while her words ran over and over
in my head like a broken record. It felt like my whole chest would
explode at any moment.
It couldn't be true.
I looked into her eyes and I knew the truth.
I opened my arms and took her into my arms.
She felt so fragile, like she would break if I held
her too tight.
"I want to see her, Mrs. Scully"
"Mulder, you shouldn't...."
"Please, tell me where she is."
She broke free from my arms and took my hand.
"I'll take you to her."
I never knew pain before I stepped into that room. She was lying on
a bed in the middle of the room dressed in a white dress. Her hair
seemed to glow.
I stumbled forward on weak legs. Every breath I took gave me pain.
It looked like she was sleeping. I fell to my knees beside her bed
and took her hand.
Her hand felt so cold in mine. I wanted to scream her
name, do something to make her wake up. But it was too late now.
I sat down in a chair by her bed. I sat there with a bleeding heart
as the moon made its presence known in the room.
I didn't know that I was crying until the tears reached my lips. The
pain ripped at my heart as I tried to breathe.
My heart is shattered.
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her cheek. She
was so cold. My hands absorbered her. My fingers traced her lips, her
nose, her chin. I wanted to remember her. I wanted her face to be
forever branded into my memory. I wanted my fingers to remember her.
Memories hit me and hit me hard as I sat there taking her in.
Her smile, the way she laughed, and the way she felt in my arms.
Pictures from our first meeting to the time we parted flashed by
and made me crumble in my chair.
How can I say goodbye? How can I ever part from her? How can I stand
up and walk around like nothing ever happened? I don't know if I can.
"Scully, don't leave me."
I was sitting there hopeing that she would open her eyes and smile at
me. Fool.
"I can't make it out here alone. I don't know if I want to.
I need you. You're the one thing in my life that is pure,
that is real. I need you .....I love you."
My voice broke. Tears made my sight blurry. Time had finally caught
up with me. We had cheated death one time to many.
But I never thought it would be her.
I always imagine myself to be the one that went first.
The light from the hallway pierced the darkness of the room as the
door opened. Maggie Scully was standing in the doorway. Her voice was
hollow as she spoke.
"Can I come in?"
I nodded. She sat down in a chair beside me.
"God, she is beautiful. She always was such a beauty. But she never
believed it."
I turned and looked at Mrs. Scully. She looked so small, like she
was fading away right in front my eyes.
"I wish I told her that she was wonderful. I should have said and
done so many things. But I thought..."
"I know, Mulder. I know..."
The need to be held won over my need to be strong. She took me into
my arms without saying a word. I buried my face in her shirt and let
myself fall. I cried.
I had lost her. She was the only one that I had let myself totally
love. She was the only one that had seen the hidden part of me.
"I loved her...I loved her so much..."
"I know. She knew."
"I never told her. There was so much I never told her."
"She loved you. I never doubted her love for you."
"I don't know if I can make it without her."
She let go of me and looked at me.
"You can make it. We'll make it. God needs her now."
Maggie Scully reached out her hand, touched her daughters cheek and
said:
"Sleep well, my angel."
**************************************
Max Roberts picked up the phone for the fifth time during the past
hour only to put it down again. His head ached and he felt sick.
He hadn't been able to sleep that night. He kept seeing her face. Her
scream kept ringing in his ear. He had tried in everyway possible
to get it out of his head but he had failed.
It had been raining that night when it happened. It was like heaven
had open up. He had taken just a couple of drinks on the party that
he had attended that evening. He knew better than drink and drive but
he thought he could handle it.
It was close to midnight when it happened. His mind was a bite blurry
as he started the car and headed home. He felt tired, like his whole
body was breaking down all at once. He wanted to sleep, just for a
moment. His eyelids felt heavy.
It all happened so fast. When he opened his eyes he saw a car coming
straight towards him. His mind was too slow to react and the impact
happened. He never noticed that he was on the wrong side of the road.
He hit the other car with such force that it looked like
the whole front of the other car had been removed.
He hit the steering-wheel and all went black.
It had started to rain when he managed to open his eyes again. His
head ached and he felt sick. His mind was blurry as he stumbled out
of the car. Blood was streaming down his face from an opened cut in
his forehead. He just stood there starring at the other car. He
stumbled forward on weak legs. He remembered thinking that no one
could survive such a crash. All he could see of the driver was the
head. He wanted to do something but fear got into the way.
Sirens pierced the silence of the night. Panic struck Max Roberts and
struck him hard. He had just killed someone. He was a murderer. They
would never listen to him. They wouldn't understand that all of this
was just an accident.
In his head a voice whispered, "Run! Run! Run or die!"
He listened.
************************************
My world is dark.
I lay on my couch while my eyes adjust to the dark.
I have finally managed to get my broken body home. A day has passed
since I got the message that shattered my world. I sat by her side
and watched the world pass by outside her window. Her mother left
around noon to make the funeral-arrangements. I know that I should
have gone with her but I couldn't bring myself to leave.
They came as soon as the moon chased away the sun outside the window.
They came to take her away from my world. I fought them with all my
strength. I know that there were no use but I wanted to cling to her
like her cold shell would save me from the pain that came knocking.
Night is here again.
I know that I should be sleeping. My body screams out for rest but
I can't get myself to sleep.
I can almost feel her.
Memories wash over me and take me away to another world, to another
time when happiness was in my grasp.
I close my eyes and remember.
Her smile is the first thing I see.
Her laughter is the first thing I hear.
The first day we meet.
God, I was proud then, thinking that I could make it on my own. I
was a fool. I know that now.
The first case.
The night when we stood in the rain. That was the first time I ever
saw her beautiful smile. It knocked me off my feet.
As the days grew in to months and the months grew into years
I took her to my heart. I even dared to call her my friend.
Then she was taken away, far away.
I never knew then that this was just one of the many games we would
play with death.
But I never thought we would loose.
I was naive to think that she was mine to keep.
Tears marked my cheeks as I opened my eyes
and whispered into the dark:
"Come back to me."
*************************************************''
In his ear a voice was screaming.
Max Roberts sat up in bed and put his hands over
his ears in a attempt to kill the voices.
He wanted to scream but no words came over his mouth. It felt like
he was going to explode. It hurt to even breath.
But he had no right to feel pain.
He had no right to feel anything at all.
The drivers name was Dana Scully. He knew that now. They had printed
her picture along with her name in the local paper. It read that the
police was still looking for the other driver.
She was beautiful. An FBI-agent.
He had starred along time at her picture wanting to remember every
line of her face. The colour of her eyes. The colour of her hair.
He wanted to remember her.
He had actually taken a life. He was the reason why she no longer
walked this earth.
He didn't deserve to live.
Why had God taken her and not him?
He was no one.
He was just an over-weight, middle-aged salesman that had no life.
This was wrong.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
******************************************
Rain came down from a darken sky and painted everything in gray
the day we laid her to rest.
Numb.
Dead inside.
I moved like a zombie, only half alive.
It was time to say goodbye to her.
They had come from all over the country to say goodbye to this angel.
I didn't know half of them and I expected that had no idea who I was.
Her mother was standing beside me holding a single red rose.
I knew that I had to be strong now. I know that I should have reached
out my hand and offered support.
But I couldn't.
I had nothing to give.
Her coffin.
Her grave.
Reality.
No more smiles.
No more redhead.
No more laughter.
Pain.
But I couldn't escape from this pain. Not this time.
But I didn't want to.
Her face was before me.
I welcomed it.
She was smiling. I wanted to reach out my hand and touch her.
But she faded away from me as soon as I tried.
I could almost feel her.
It's amazing. I want to say something. I closed my eyes and I prayed
that she would be standing right in front of me when I open my eyes
again.
Pain struck and struck hard as I opened my eyes and found myself
alone.
It is foolish to ever believe that.....
The priest finished and it was time to say goodbye.
I couldn't cry. I was all cried out.
How can I say farewell to her?
How can I ever part from her?
Scully.
I stumbled forward toward that dark hole that would be her home for
the coming years.
I just stood there stareing at her coffin while the mourners came and
went.
Shouldn't the sky be falling?
She was gone.
I wanted to reach out my hand and....
I wanted to say something.
But I couldn't.
All I could say was her name.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the ground and I let myself go.
I cried.
**************************************
He had finally worked up the courage to break out of that own private
hell and go to her.
Max Roberts was standing in a grove at the outskirts of
the cemetery.
This was the day they would put her to rest.
He had dressed in his best suit. He had even bought flowers.
He didn't know why he had come.
Maybe to say goodbye.
Maybe to seek forgiveness.
A man was kneeling by her coffin.
He was alone.
The others had sought shelter from the rain.
The man seemed not to mind the cold rain.
He was holding a single red rose.
He was crying.
Max was standing close enough to see the tears but well out of sight.
He just stood there watching this stranger.
The stranger turned his face towards the sky and screamed.
The scream sends a chill down Max's spine.
It was a scream of pain.
The voice again.
He was responsible for this man's pain.
For the first time in a long time he cried.
**************************************
I expected a monster.
I expected they would show me a picture of a beast.
They have finally traced the man that took her away from me.
His name was Max Roberts.
He was no monster.
He had never been in trouble with the law.
He had been married one time, no kids.
He was a salesman.
I sat there a long time stareing at photo of this man.
He must be the devil.
Who else would do such a thing?
I wanted so desperately to hate him.
Rage ran through my veins like poison.
It numbed my pain and made me see clearer.
I rose from the chair.
I was seeing stars.
I wanted to kill.
In my ear a voice screamed:
I listened.
*********************************
As I'm sitting here in my car looking back at that day I know that
I was crazy.
But it's so easy to feel rage.
It's so easy to let that feeling take you away.
I let my emotion guide me.
I can blame grief. I can blame sorrow.
But they are no excuse.
But all I could see was her face.
***************************************
Maggie Scully watched Fox Mulder from the corner of her eye.
He was dying.
He was slowly fading away.
She wanted to say something to ease his pain.
But she knew that he wouldn't listen.
He had come that day to take her to Scully's grave.
It had been a week since they buried her.
Seven days.
A lifetime.
Yesterday.
She wanted to reach out her hand touch him but she feared that he
would push her away.
They hadn't spoken much at the drive over.
They didn't speak much lately.
Now they were standing starring at her tombstone.
The sun had come out to warm their faces.
"He'll pay for what he has done."
His voice was rugged as he spoke.
Maggie Scully turned towards him and said:
"Who will pay?"
"The driver."
His eyes were dark and hollow as he looked at her.
"I know his name now. Max. Max Roberts."
"Fox, don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Don't do this. I beg you. Let her rest in peace."
"How can you say that?! He killed your daughter."
"Don't you think I know that. Not a day has gone by when I haven't
wondered why this happened. But it's no use."
"He has to pay for what he did."
"Why? What good can come of it? She is gone and nothing can bring
her back to us."
"So you would just let him go."
"Believe me, he'll pay. One day he'll pay. But not here and not now."
"So he'll win."
"Nobody wins."
She reached out her hand and took his hand.
"I'm begging you, Fox. Let him go. Let this go.
We need to find peace."
"I can't."
She reached inside her pocket and took out the golden cross.
The golden cross that once hung around Scully's neck.
"I want you to have this."
She placed it in the palm of his hand and looked at him.
"Mrs., Scully.."
"She would have wanted you to have it.
I will pray for you Fox Mulder."
Then she turned around and walked away from him.
************************************************
"Come home, son"
Max Roberts sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. His mother sounded
worried. He wanted to go to her. He wanted her to take him into
his arms and wipe away every memory about the past weeks.
"I can't."
"Don't say that. Why can't you just come home?"
He knew that he shouldn't worry her. His mother had a bad heart and
she wasn't getting younger. She didn't need this also. He feared that
if she ever found out what he had done it would surely kill her.
So it was time for lies. Again.
"Work. They have promoted me.
I have to stay out a little while longer.
But I promise that when I get home I'll take you out for
a nice dinner."
"Oh, you talk nonsense. You can't afford that."
"I'll do that."
"Okay. Take care of yourself son. I love you."
"I love you to, mum."
He hung up and lay down on the bed.
Another motel room somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
His life was running from the police.
He kept hearing that scream in his dreams. The scream from that man
in the cemetery. Her face followed him like a ghost.
But he was getting use to it now.
It had almost become an obsession of his; finding out who she was.
He read everything he could get his hands on. He surfed the Internet.
All he could find was just small pieces of the puzzle.
But it satisfied his imagination.
He analyzed every memory he had from the crash. He tried to find
faults in her actions. He blamed the weather, the road, even god.
But eventually he ended up with one truth;
he was a killer.
*******************************
He looked normal.
Why couldn't he have horns and tail? It would be so simple then.
He was sitting eating his breakfast at the local diner.
Coffee and toast.
He looked tired.
He looked lonely.
I wonder what he would do if he saw me.
Would he run? Would he know who I was?
Could he see it in my eyes?
So this was the devil.
It had to be.
It would be so simple just to walk up to him and end it now.
But I wanted him to suffer.
I wanted to see blood.
I took up my gun and loaded the chamber.
****************************
Max Roberts was scared
His hands trembled as he approached her grave.
It was getting darker but he didn't care.
The rain came in from the east.
He had planned it so well.
He would say goodbye to her just before he ended it all. He kept
imagining that she would be standing at the gate of heaven
welcoming him in.
But there would be no heaven for Max Roberts.
Hell would be his address for all eternity.
Now he was standing there stareing at her tombstone.
She was a stranger to him. But their life would be forever connected.
He had come to ask her for forgiveness.
He had come to talk to a tombstone.
Did he deserve to be forgiven?
Would that take away his pain?
"I don't know why I have come. You don't know me."
Max closed his eyes in a weak attempt to shut the voices out.
"My name is Max."
He wanted to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness.
But who would listen?
No one.
***********************
I followed him here from the motel.
I was standing in a grove not far from where we buried her.
He had flowers.
Red roses.
He had come to put down flowers at her grave.
The killer had come to see the victim.
He had no right to be there. He had no right to buy flowers.
Anger filled my up as I watched him falling to his knees by her
grave.
He wasn't supposed to walk on this earth.
He didn't deserve to live.
Revenge.
***********************
Danger. Danger was upon him.
He could feel him before he saw him.
Max stood up and slowly turned around.
He had known this would happen eventually.
But not this soon.
Not here.
The man was standing just a couple of feet from him.
It was the man from the cemetary.
The man spoke first:
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to leave some flowers."
Then he saw the gun. It glimmered in the light from the moon.
"You have no right to put down flowers on her grave."
So this would be the end of Max Roberts. He would die by this man's
hand. This stranger with so much anger in his eyes would take his
life as he himself had taken a life.
"I wanted to..."
"Wanted what!!!?? See the grave of the person you killed!"
The man moved walked towards him. His eyes were shooting arrows.
Max stumbled backwards. He wanted to run but he told himself that
he had to stay. He had to accept the judgment that would be given
to him.
"I just wanted to see her."
"You killed her! You ended her life."
"I know."
"Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"I'm the man that loved her. I could have given up my life if she
asked me to."
Max could see tears in the other man's eyes as their eyes met.
"I'm sorry. Forgive me."
"Don't say that! Don't you ever say that! You have no right
to say that. You shouldn't even think that."
It all happened so quickly. The man drew his gun. He was fast.
He pressed it hard against Max's head and starred at him while tears
marked his face.
"Get down on you knees."
Fear ate at Max Roberts's heart. For the first time he saw his own
death. He had thought that he would be ready when it came knocking.
He was wrong.
So he begged.
Max begged for his pathetic life.
"Please, don't do this. Give me a chance."
"Like you gave Scully a chance."
"It was an accident."
Anger ran through my veins as I looked into the eyes of her killer.
He could see fear there and I liked it.
It was wanted to see.
I wanted to scream in his face to show me his horns and tail.
Devil.
It had to be.
It couldn't be another explanation.
"Liar."
"It's the truth."
As he was standing at the brink of death he was trying to
fool death by lying.
Max was the master of lies.
But it wouldn't help him now.
"I know the truth."
"Please, I'm begging you. Don't do this."
"You are going to die."
"No!!!!"
Max fell to his knees.
The gun was cold against his skin.
Maybe it was time to accept what was happening.
Maybe it was time to stop fighting.
In my ear a voice was screaming to pull the trigger.
"You killed the only woman I ever truly loved. You took away
her life."
He was crying.
The killer was crying.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"
"You killed two people that day. And I hate you for it."
It would be so easy just to pull the trigger.
Just a squeeze of the hand.
"I never meant it to happen."
"I'll never forgive you. I will never forget what you did."
"Please, god. Don't do this."
Tears filled my eyes as I prepared myself for what I came here
to do.
"Close your eyes."
I didn't want to see his eyes when death came to take him away.
"God, noooooo!!!!!!!!!!"
I looked at the face of her killer and I found myself crumble.
I had come here for revenge.
I had come here to take a life.
I pressed the gun harder against his forehead. I was determent
to do what I had come here to do.
The rain fell from a dark sky.
I lifted my face towards the sky searching for a sign that I
was doing the right thing.
But no answers where given to me.
Pain ripped at my soul as I shouted her name to the sky.
"SCULLY!!!!!!!"
I closed my eyes lifted my gun and fired.
Then I walked away from him.
He had always thought that he would see a bright light when
death came to take him away.
But he saw no such thing.
Only darkness.
Then he opened his eyes.
He was back at the cemetery.
He was down at his knees by her tombstone.
He was still holding the roses.
And the rain kept on falling.
**********************************************''
It would have been so easy just to wipe him
off the face of the planet.
But I couldn't.
I fired into the ground.
I wasted a bullet on him.
I hate that.
I take her cross in my hand,
wanting to feel her close.
It's the only thing I have left of her.
I have my memories.
But I fear that they will fade with time.
The gun is a friend of mine now.
I'm not scared.
I know that she'll be waiting for me.
Tears make my sight blurry as I prepare myself
for what is to come.
I lift the gun and place in against my temple.
So simple. Just pull the trigger and all the
pain would go away.
There never ever was a question why I shouldn't
do this.
I want this.
I need to do this.
I know that I'm letting down a lot of people by doing this.
But I can't live like this.
I can't live without her.
I thought I couldn't breath without her.
I'm breathing.
I'm not afraid of dying.
Will it hurt?
I truly believe that everything will be so much
better if I leave this earth.
Memories come to visit me.
Her smile.
Her scent.
Scully.
Angel of mine.
Wait for me.
The moon shines in through the rear view mirror.
Death is lurking in the dark.
I'll surrender now.
No point of fighting.
I haven't the strength to face life without her.
What have I left?
Absolutly nothing.
This is too much to take.
I'm ready now.
I close my eyes as death comes knocking.
Welcome.
FEEDBACK::::::j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category:CD,Mulder angst, V
Spoiler: Pilot, Duane Barry
Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se
Summary: Scully is killed in a car crash and Mulder goes after
her killer.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX
and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur. I want to say thank you to Piper for helping me
out with this and to Dana for showing me the right way.:)..Thank you
both so much. Tack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The stars have come out in all their glory tonight.
But they no longer bring me comfort.
As darkness of the night creeps closer, the cold winds chill me right
into the bone.
The gun seems heavy in my hand, bigger somehow. I have loaded the
chamber with just one bullet.
It takes just one.
I wonder how long it will take for them to find me. I don't know why
I chose this place. Maybe because I have always loved the forest.
I don't know. I don't care.
I turn off the car-radio.
I have opened the windows of the car to let
the cold winds inside. A part of me is hoping I would freeze before
I have worked up the courage to do what I came here to do.
The necklace is hanging from the rear view mirror reminding me of my
purpose here. Her mother gave it to me a couple of days ago, thinking
it might ease my pain. But all it did was opening up old wounds.
I remember a time when that necklace was my only comfort.
I clung to it like my life was depending on it.
These days I fear it.
Memories come back to haunt me.
I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me.
She left this world seven days ago.
Seven days ago my world fell apart.
She was smiling the last time I saw her. She was standing in the
doorway to the office. She was just about to leave. I can't remember
what we talked about. All I can remember is her. I said goodbye to
her not knowing that it would be the last time I saw her alive. If
I knew then what I know now I would have kept her by my side.
The phone woke me from my dreams. I dragged myself off the couch and
picked up the phone.
It's funny how fast a life can change. My life changed with that
phone call. I can't remember exactly what was said or how I acted.
All I can remember is feeling totally numb.
I don't know how I got there. It's amazing that I didn't crash into
something. I drove like a mad man, hardly seeing anything.
"Where is she!?"
I ran like a mad man through the halls of the hospital. In my ears a
voice screamed that I was too late.
I found Maggie Scully in the emergency waiting room. She looked up as
soon as I ran through the doors. Our eyes met and I knew right then
and there that I was too late. But I wouldn't listen.
"Where is she?"
She rose from her chair and walked towards me. Her face was pale and
her eyes were dark as he spoke.
"They worked on her for hours. But they couldn't...."
When her words sunk in the pain came knocking.
"No it can't be!!"
We have been here so many times before. I never thought it could end
like this. Not here.
"She is dead, Mulder."
I just stood there like a fool while her words ran over and over
in my head like a broken record. It felt like my whole chest would
explode at any moment.
It couldn't be true.
I looked into her eyes and I knew the truth.
I opened my arms and took her into my arms.
She felt so fragile, like she would break if I held
her too tight.
"I want to see her, Mrs. Scully"
"Mulder, you shouldn't...."
"Please, tell me where she is."
She broke free from my arms and took my hand.
"I'll take you to her."
I never knew pain before I stepped into that room. She was lying on
a bed in the middle of the room dressed in a white dress. Her hair
seemed to glow.
I stumbled forward on weak legs. Every breath I took gave me pain.
It looked like she was sleeping. I fell to my knees beside her bed
and took her hand.
Her hand felt so cold in mine. I wanted to scream her
name, do something to make her wake up. But it was too late now.
I sat down in a chair by her bed. I sat there with a bleeding heart
as the moon made its presence known in the room.
I didn't know that I was crying until the tears reached my lips. The
pain ripped at my heart as I tried to breathe.
My heart is shattered.
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her cheek. She
was so cold. My hands absorbered her. My fingers traced her lips, her
nose, her chin. I wanted to remember her. I wanted her face to be
forever branded into my memory. I wanted my fingers to remember her.
Memories hit me and hit me hard as I sat there taking her in.
Her smile, the way she laughed, and the way she felt in my arms.
Pictures from our first meeting to the time we parted flashed by
and made me crumble in my chair.
How can I say goodbye? How can I ever part from her? How can I stand
up and walk around like nothing ever happened? I don't know if I can.
"Scully, don't leave me."
I was sitting there hopeing that she would open her eyes and smile at
me. Fool.
"I can't make it out here alone. I don't know if I want to.
I need you. You're the one thing in my life that is pure,
that is real. I need you .....I love you."
My voice broke. Tears made my sight blurry. Time had finally caught
up with me. We had cheated death one time to many.
But I never thought it would be her.
I always imagine myself to be the one that went first.
The light from the hallway pierced the darkness of the room as the
door opened. Maggie Scully was standing in the doorway. Her voice was
hollow as she spoke.
"Can I come in?"
I nodded. She sat down in a chair beside me.
"God, she is beautiful. She always was such a beauty. But she never
believed it."
I turned and looked at Mrs. Scully. She looked so small, like she
was fading away right in front my eyes.
"I wish I told her that she was wonderful. I should have said and
done so many things. But I thought..."
"I know, Mulder. I know..."
The need to be held won over my need to be strong. She took me into
my arms without saying a word. I buried my face in her shirt and let
myself fall. I cried.
I had lost her. She was the only one that I had let myself totally
love. She was the only one that had seen the hidden part of me.
"I loved her...I loved her so much..."
"I know. She knew."
"I never told her. There was so much I never told her."
"She loved you. I never doubted her love for you."
"I don't know if I can make it without her."
She let go of me and looked at me.
"You can make it. We'll make it. God needs her now."
Maggie Scully reached out her hand, touched her daughters cheek and
said:
"Sleep well, my angel."
**************************************
Max Roberts picked up the phone for the fifth time during the past
hour only to put it down again. His head ached and he felt sick.
He hadn't been able to sleep that night. He kept seeing her face. Her
scream kept ringing in his ear. He had tried in everyway possible
to get it out of his head but he had failed.
It had been raining that night when it happened. It was like heaven
had open up. He had taken just a couple of drinks on the party that
he had attended that evening. He knew better than drink and drive but
he thought he could handle it.
It was close to midnight when it happened. His mind was a bite blurry
as he started the car and headed home. He felt tired, like his whole
body was breaking down all at once. He wanted to sleep, just for a
moment. His eyelids felt heavy.
It all happened so fast. When he opened his eyes he saw a car coming
straight towards him. His mind was too slow to react and the impact
happened. He never noticed that he was on the wrong side of the road.
He hit the other car with such force that it looked like
the whole front of the other car had been removed.
He hit the steering-wheel and all went black.
It had started to rain when he managed to open his eyes again. His
head ached and he felt sick. His mind was blurry as he stumbled out
of the car. Blood was streaming down his face from an opened cut in
his forehead. He just stood there starring at the other car. He
stumbled forward on weak legs. He remembered thinking that no one
could survive such a crash. All he could see of the driver was the
head. He wanted to do something but fear got into the way.
Sirens pierced the silence of the night. Panic struck Max Roberts and
struck him hard. He had just killed someone. He was a murderer. They
would never listen to him. They wouldn't understand that all of this
was just an accident.
In his head a voice whispered, "Run! Run! Run or die!"
He listened.
************************************
My world is dark.
I lay on my couch while my eyes adjust to the dark.
I have finally managed to get my broken body home. A day has passed
since I got the message that shattered my world. I sat by her side
and watched the world pass by outside her window. Her mother left
around noon to make the funeral-arrangements. I know that I should
have gone with her but I couldn't bring myself to leave.
They came as soon as the moon chased away the sun outside the window.
They came to take her away from my world. I fought them with all my
strength. I know that there were no use but I wanted to cling to her
like her cold shell would save me from the pain that came knocking.
Night is here again.
I know that I should be sleeping. My body screams out for rest but
I can't get myself to sleep.
I can almost feel her.
Memories wash over me and take me away to another world, to another
time when happiness was in my grasp.
I close my eyes and remember.
Her smile is the first thing I see.
Her laughter is the first thing I hear.
The first day we meet.
God, I was proud then, thinking that I could make it on my own. I
was a fool. I know that now.
The first case.
The night when we stood in the rain. That was the first time I ever
saw her beautiful smile. It knocked me off my feet.
As the days grew in to months and the months grew into years
I took her to my heart. I even dared to call her my friend.
Then she was taken away, far away.
I never knew then that this was just one of the many games we would
play with death.
But I never thought we would loose.
I was naive to think that she was mine to keep.
Tears marked my cheeks as I opened my eyes
and whispered into the dark:
"Come back to me."
*************************************************''
In his ear a voice was screaming.
Max Roberts sat up in bed and put his hands over
his ears in a attempt to kill the voices.
He wanted to scream but no words came over his mouth. It felt like
he was going to explode. It hurt to even breath.
But he had no right to feel pain.
He had no right to feel anything at all.
The drivers name was Dana Scully. He knew that now. They had printed
her picture along with her name in the local paper. It read that the
police was still looking for the other driver.
She was beautiful. An FBI-agent.
He had starred along time at her picture wanting to remember every
line of her face. The colour of her eyes. The colour of her hair.
He wanted to remember her.
He had actually taken a life. He was the reason why she no longer
walked this earth.
He didn't deserve to live.
Why had God taken her and not him?
He was no one.
He was just an over-weight, middle-aged salesman that had no life.
This was wrong.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
******************************************
Rain came down from a darken sky and painted everything in gray
the day we laid her to rest.
Numb.
Dead inside.
I moved like a zombie, only half alive.
It was time to say goodbye to her.
They had come from all over the country to say goodbye to this angel.
I didn't know half of them and I expected that had no idea who I was.
Her mother was standing beside me holding a single red rose.
I knew that I had to be strong now. I know that I should have reached
out my hand and offered support.
But I couldn't.
I had nothing to give.
Her coffin.
Her grave.
Reality.
No more smiles.
No more redhead.
No more laughter.
Pain.
But I couldn't escape from this pain. Not this time.
But I didn't want to.
Her face was before me.
I welcomed it.
She was smiling. I wanted to reach out my hand and touch her.
But she faded away from me as soon as I tried.
I could almost feel her.
It's amazing. I want to say something. I closed my eyes and I prayed
that she would be standing right in front of me when I open my eyes
again.
Pain struck and struck hard as I opened my eyes and found myself
alone.
It is foolish to ever believe that.....
The priest finished and it was time to say goodbye.
I couldn't cry. I was all cried out.
How can I say farewell to her?
How can I ever part from her?
Scully.
I stumbled forward toward that dark hole that would be her home for
the coming years.
I just stood there stareing at her coffin while the mourners came and
went.
Shouldn't the sky be falling?
She was gone.
I wanted to reach out my hand and....
I wanted to say something.
But I couldn't.
All I could say was her name.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the ground and I let myself go.
I cried.
**************************************
He had finally worked up the courage to break out of that own private
hell and go to her.
Max Roberts was standing in a grove at the outskirts of
the cemetery.
This was the day they would put her to rest.
He had dressed in his best suit. He had even bought flowers.
He didn't know why he had come.
Maybe to say goodbye.
Maybe to seek forgiveness.
A man was kneeling by her coffin.
He was alone.
The others had sought shelter from the rain.
The man seemed not to mind the cold rain.
He was holding a single red rose.
He was crying.
Max was standing close enough to see the tears but well out of sight.
He just stood there watching this stranger.
The stranger turned his face towards the sky and screamed.
The scream sends a chill down Max's spine.
It was a scream of pain.
The voice again.
He was responsible for this man's pain.
For the first time in a long time he cried.
**************************************
I expected a monster.
I expected they would show me a picture of a beast.
They have finally traced the man that took her away from me.
His name was Max Roberts.
He was no monster.
He had never been in trouble with the law.
He had been married one time, no kids.
He was a salesman.
I sat there a long time stareing at photo of this man.
He must be the devil.
Who else would do such a thing?
I wanted so desperately to hate him.
Rage ran through my veins like poison.
It numbed my pain and made me see clearer.
I rose from the chair.
I was seeing stars.
I wanted to kill.
In my ear a voice screamed:
I listened.
*********************************
As I'm sitting here in my car looking back at that day I know that
I was crazy.
But it's so easy to feel rage.
It's so easy to let that feeling take you away.
I let my emotion guide me.
I can blame grief. I can blame sorrow.
But they are no excuse.
But all I could see was her face.
***************************************
Maggie Scully watched Fox Mulder from the corner of her eye.
He was dying.
He was slowly fading away.
She wanted to say something to ease his pain.
But she knew that he wouldn't listen.
He had come that day to take her to Scully's grave.
It had been a week since they buried her.
Seven days.
A lifetime.
Yesterday.
She wanted to reach out her hand touch him but she feared that he
would push her away.
They hadn't spoken much at the drive over.
They didn't speak much lately.
Now they were standing starring at her tombstone.
The sun had come out to warm their faces.
"He'll pay for what he has done."
His voice was rugged as he spoke.
Maggie Scully turned towards him and said:
"Who will pay?"
"The driver."
His eyes were dark and hollow as he looked at her.
"I know his name now. Max. Max Roberts."
"Fox, don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Don't do this. I beg you. Let her rest in peace."
"How can you say that?! He killed your daughter."
"Don't you think I know that. Not a day has gone by when I haven't
wondered why this happened. But it's no use."
"He has to pay for what he did."
"Why? What good can come of it? She is gone and nothing can bring
her back to us."
"So you would just let him go."
"Believe me, he'll pay. One day he'll pay. But not here and not now."
"So he'll win."
"Nobody wins."
She reached out her hand and took his hand.
"I'm begging you, Fox. Let him go. Let this go.
We need to find peace."
"I can't."
She reached inside her pocket and took out the golden cross.
The golden cross that once hung around Scully's neck.
"I want you to have this."
She placed it in the palm of his hand and looked at him.
"Mrs., Scully.."
"She would have wanted you to have it.
I will pray for you Fox Mulder."
Then she turned around and walked away from him.
************************************************
"Come home, son"
Max Roberts sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. His mother sounded
worried. He wanted to go to her. He wanted her to take him into
his arms and wipe away every memory about the past weeks.
"I can't."
"Don't say that. Why can't you just come home?"
He knew that he shouldn't worry her. His mother had a bad heart and
she wasn't getting younger. She didn't need this also. He feared that
if she ever found out what he had done it would surely kill her.
So it was time for lies. Again.
"Work. They have promoted me.
I have to stay out a little while longer.
But I promise that when I get home I'll take you out for
a nice dinner."
"Oh, you talk nonsense. You can't afford that."
"I'll do that."
"Okay. Take care of yourself son. I love you."
"I love you to, mum."
He hung up and lay down on the bed.
Another motel room somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
His life was running from the police.
He kept hearing that scream in his dreams. The scream from that man
in the cemetery. Her face followed him like a ghost.
But he was getting use to it now.
It had almost become an obsession of his; finding out who she was.
He read everything he could get his hands on. He surfed the Internet.
All he could find was just small pieces of the puzzle.
But it satisfied his imagination.
He analyzed every memory he had from the crash. He tried to find
faults in her actions. He blamed the weather, the road, even god.
But eventually he ended up with one truth;
he was a killer.
*******************************
He looked normal.
Why couldn't he have horns and tail? It would be so simple then.
He was sitting eating his breakfast at the local diner.
Coffee and toast.
He looked tired.
He looked lonely.
I wonder what he would do if he saw me.
Would he run? Would he know who I was?
Could he see it in my eyes?
So this was the devil.
It had to be.
It would be so simple just to walk up to him and end it now.
But I wanted him to suffer.
I wanted to see blood.
I took up my gun and loaded the chamber.
****************************
Max Roberts was scared
His hands trembled as he approached her grave.
It was getting darker but he didn't care.
The rain came in from the east.
He had planned it so well.
He would say goodbye to her just before he ended it all. He kept
imagining that she would be standing at the gate of heaven
welcoming him in.
But there would be no heaven for Max Roberts.
Hell would be his address for all eternity.
Now he was standing there stareing at her tombstone.
She was a stranger to him. But their life would be forever connected.
He had come to ask her for forgiveness.
He had come to talk to a tombstone.
Did he deserve to be forgiven?
Would that take away his pain?
"I don't know why I have come. You don't know me."
Max closed his eyes in a weak attempt to shut the voices out.
"My name is Max."
He wanted to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness.
But who would listen?
No one.
***********************
I followed him here from the motel.
I was standing in a grove not far from where we buried her.
He had flowers.
Red roses.
He had come to put down flowers at her grave.
The killer had come to see the victim.
He had no right to be there. He had no right to buy flowers.
Anger filled my up as I watched him falling to his knees by her
grave.
He wasn't supposed to walk on this earth.
He didn't deserve to live.
Revenge.
***********************
Danger. Danger was upon him.
He could feel him before he saw him.
Max stood up and slowly turned around.
He had known this would happen eventually.
But not this soon.
Not here.
The man was standing just a couple of feet from him.
It was the man from the cemetary.
The man spoke first:
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to leave some flowers."
Then he saw the gun. It glimmered in the light from the moon.
"You have no right to put down flowers on her grave."
So this would be the end of Max Roberts. He would die by this man's
hand. This stranger with so much anger in his eyes would take his
life as he himself had taken a life.
"I wanted to..."
"Wanted what!!!?? See the grave of the person you killed!"
The man moved walked towards him. His eyes were shooting arrows.
Max stumbled backwards. He wanted to run but he told himself that
he had to stay. He had to accept the judgment that would be given
to him.
"I just wanted to see her."
"You killed her! You ended her life."
"I know."
"Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"I'm the man that loved her. I could have given up my life if she
asked me to."
Max could see tears in the other man's eyes as their eyes met.
"I'm sorry. Forgive me."
"Don't say that! Don't you ever say that! You have no right
to say that. You shouldn't even think that."
It all happened so quickly. The man drew his gun. He was fast.
He pressed it hard against Max's head and starred at him while tears
marked his face.
"Get down on you knees."
Fear ate at Max Roberts's heart. For the first time he saw his own
death. He had thought that he would be ready when it came knocking.
He was wrong.
So he begged.
Max begged for his pathetic life.
"Please, don't do this. Give me a chance."
"Like you gave Scully a chance."
"It was an accident."
Anger ran through my veins as I looked into the eyes of her killer.
He could see fear there and I liked it.
It was wanted to see.
I wanted to scream in his face to show me his horns and tail.
Devil.
It had to be.
It couldn't be another explanation.
"Liar."
"It's the truth."
As he was standing at the brink of death he was trying to
fool death by lying.
Max was the master of lies.
But it wouldn't help him now.
"I know the truth."
"Please, I'm begging you. Don't do this."
"You are going to die."
"No!!!!"
Max fell to his knees.
The gun was cold against his skin.
Maybe it was time to accept what was happening.
Maybe it was time to stop fighting.
In my ear a voice was screaming to pull the trigger.
"You killed the only woman I ever truly loved. You took away
her life."
He was crying.
The killer was crying.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"
"You killed two people that day. And I hate you for it."
It would be so easy just to pull the trigger.
Just a squeeze of the hand.
"I never meant it to happen."
"I'll never forgive you. I will never forget what you did."
"Please, god. Don't do this."
Tears filled my eyes as I prepared myself for what I came here
to do.
"Close your eyes."
I didn't want to see his eyes when death came to take him away.
"God, noooooo!!!!!!!!!!"
I looked at the face of her killer and I found myself crumble.
I had come here for revenge.
I had come here to take a life.
I pressed the gun harder against his forehead. I was determent
to do what I had come here to do.
The rain fell from a dark sky.
I lifted my face towards the sky searching for a sign that I
was doing the right thing.
But no answers where given to me.
Pain ripped at my soul as I shouted her name to the sky.
"SCULLY!!!!!!!"
I closed my eyes lifted my gun and fired.
Then I walked away from him.
He had always thought that he would see a bright light when
death came to take him away.
But he saw no such thing.
Only darkness.
Then he opened his eyes.
He was back at the cemetery.
He was down at his knees by her tombstone.
He was still holding the roses.
And the rain kept on falling.
**********************************************''
It would have been so easy just to wipe him
off the face of the planet.
But I couldn't.
I fired into the ground.
I wasted a bullet on him.
I hate that.
I take her cross in my hand,
wanting to feel her close.
It's the only thing I have left of her.
I have my memories.
But I fear that they will fade with time.
The gun is a friend of mine now.
I'm not scared.
I know that she'll be waiting for me.
Tears make my sight blurry as I prepare myself
for what is to come.
I lift the gun and place in against my temple.
So simple. Just pull the trigger and all the
pain would go away.
There never ever was a question why I shouldn't
do this.
I want this.
I need to do this.
I know that I'm letting down a lot of people by doing this.
But I can't live like this.
I can't live without her.
I thought I couldn't breath without her.
I'm breathing.
I'm not afraid of dying.
Will it hurt?
I truly believe that everything will be so much
better if I leave this earth.
Memories come to visit me.
Her smile.
Her scent.
Scully.
Angel of mine.
Wait for me.
The moon shines in through the rear view mirror.
Death is lurking in the dark.
I'll surrender now.
No point of fighting.
I haven't the strength to face life without her.
What have I left?
Absolutly nothing.
This is too much to take.
I'm ready now.
I close my eyes as death comes knocking.
Welcome.
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