Hopelessness and inadequacy
By kira
"Gomen nasai," Ritsu said softly to his reflection in the mirror. Two simple words that he used to express his feelings as well as cover them up and Ritsu found he uttered them so much, that they were second nature by now. They were words that made him feel as though no matter how hard he tried, everything always wound up in a mess or as he was found of saying "a swirling mass of unpleasantness."
He sighed and took another look in the mirror, smiling sadly at his reflection. Instead of the handsome young man who should have stared right back at him, Ritsu saw a pretty young woman instead. He briefly touched his cheek and looked away. It had taken nearly fifteen years of practice, but if there was one thing that Ritsu ultimately did perfectly it was being a young woman. He knew others in the Sohma family saw right through his unintentional deception, but it did not matter in least. Here was something he finally did well. Sighing softly, Ritsu took another look at his reflection, before getting up and, leaving his room.
Ritsu took several deep breaths to center himself as he made his way to the front door, uttering the occasional apology to the various family members he encountered on his way out. Ritsu remembered it had taken many apologies and just as many tears before Akito-sama would let him visit Shigure-nii-san as he paused in the doorway. On one side there was freedom and the chance to speak with his "nii-san" and more importantly the fabled Honda-san, and on the other more apologies as he explained away his failure. But things did not come easy to Ritsu. He knew it and the others knew as well, but he had to try. He had to for once in his life do something that succeeded. So he made his way out the door into the light of a beautiful spring day. As he strolled along, Ritsu decided to bring some fruit over to Shigure's house as a present, but after reaching the fruit stand, he found he could not make up his mind enough to buy any. To make matters worse he was sure he had upset the fruit vendor as well. At least he had better luck in the bookseller's shop.
After three intense days of trying to get to know Honda-san as well as trying to find the right time, not to mention the courage, to talk to her, the moment had finally arrived. He was fortunate to have such wonderful "nii-san" like he did. Hatori-nii-san, who would come and sooth his hurts without complaint, Ayame-nii-san, who suggested he go speak with Honda-san in the first place, and Shigure-nii-san, who gave him the gentle push he needed to go speak with her. And talk of things they did. Everyone was right about her. Honda-san truly did have a way of healing one's soul and Ritsu was very grateful to her for healing his. He may not have gotten rid of "gomen nasai" as the main words in his vocabulary, but he found he didn't need to say them as often as he did before.