Sakuras

Made by: Star angel Matsuyama ®

2004-2007

I felt a tear burning down my white and cold skin. I knew I couldn't hide the pain for much longer, but it was already done. I did because I thought it was right, I did because I thought you cared, but I saw, that what I did caused my ruin.

I cry, therefore reasons to be glad I have none, I know that I tried to trick myself, telling myself the same lies, over and over again, trying to delude myself, but it wasn't possible.

How could I let those things happen? I ask myself, because I know that's my fault, it always was and it will always be. The same way you always blamed me. It was my whish to make you happy, but I didn't know that bringing back your happiness, I would end up mine.

I remember as if it was today. Sakura's flowers falling down the trees around us, I thought it was a good climate, I thought you were going to tell me you loved me, I thought I wasn't going to cry, I thought all of this and a little bit more.

But when you looked at me, with that cold look, without compassion, not even anger, it was such a significant look, but at the same time indistinguishable. I froze myself on the inside, in that moment on, I knew I was going to suffer, I knew I was going to cry, I knew that happiness wasn't going to come to me.

I tried to ignore, maybe was just a fruit of my imagination, or mere illusion. I can't deny that tears were already formed in my eyes, but I told myself that I would be strong enough and not cry in front of you.

I did ignore, until you opened your mouth, and the words came out cold, as a furious tempest. You told me you had to do it, you said you knew I was going to get hurt, but you had to do so, you didn't want to make me a illusion world, and end up making me cry. You blamed yourself for making me cry so many times.

I said that you didn't had to blame yourself , that I still worried about you, and I would do everything to make it the way it was… and that I still loved you.

My words came out as truthfully as they were. But his look stayed insignificant upon me. I saw pity in his eyes. Maybe he was already feeling pity the way I was going to end up like. I stayed strong. I tried to show that everything was ok.

I had to listen what he had to tell me. I knew how strong his words were going to be, but if he didn't do it, I would still lie to myself and live in the illusion. My throat was dry, I tried to swallow and look up, I made myself not to look to the floor again. I always knew that would hurt me, but I just didn't know that was going to be this bad.

I looked up in his eyes, that I could stare for hours, but I felt just darkness on those. I pretended a smile, sad, with no life, but I wanted to make him relax.

"I don't love you…" – he said with a penetrating voice, it was the time that I heard it, tears fell down my face. The despair took my body, and the horror my eyes. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted to lay down and never get up again, but I couldn't. Simple like that.

I covered my eyes with my hands, I wanted to hide myself. Hide from the shame that I was feeling, from the horror, from the fear, from the sadness… I didn't expect that those words were going to hurt me that much.

"I wanted to tell you that. I couldn't trick you anymore. I know that I'm the one who made those illusions to you, but I can't tell you something I don't feel." – He kept talking, colder than before – "I can't ask you to apologize me, because I don't feel bad for what I have done, but relieved to take a burden out of my back" – he finished.

Is that really what I heard? I asked myself in that moment that seemed so right to do so. Even though tears fall from my eyes when those memories rush through my mind. Am I a burden for him? And how many times did he say I wasn't? Were they mere lies? Excuses? Can't he say sorry? Can't he? Tears didn't stop falling from my face to the grass, which was already wet from the rain that had just started.

His words still ached in my chest, every single one that he had said. I think he did so, to be able to look me going back home through the well without remorse… but did he realize that I'll never come back?

The rain started thin, but it was getting worse, I saw him getting far from me a couple of hours ago, but I don't remember exactly how many.

I got myself up still swaying; the shock was strong enough to never get healed back again. My eyes were still with no focus on; it was all because of the tears, I couldn't tell which were my tears or which were the raindrops that were still falling from the sky.

I went straight to the well, Why bother to say goodbye? To say the eternal farewell? The small "see you later" that I said a while ago is enough, isn't it? I don't want to cry anymore! I want to stop the tears from falling! I asked and talked to myself while I was sitting on the wood's well. I looked inside, I could see only darkness, as everything that I had seen those times.

I took a deep breath, looked around, I would never see that scenario again, ever again, the scenario for many fights and conspiracies, many kisses and hugs, many confessions and secrets. I remember perfectly the times he came to me to ask for help, help for not to have a corresponded love.

Tears were still falling down from my cheeks, but the memories were inevitable, I remembered everything that he had once told me, how he felt when he was discriminated, and so many other things that I would never stop remembering. Some smiles came to me when I remembered what he had told me once, under the Goshinboku tree, he told me that he felt attracted to me (a little bit, he said), and how I blushed violently.

After that, I remembered what he told me not too long ago, I cried again, my cry was like a whisper this time, was so saddened and tired that I had barely strength to pull myself together. I got up and I threw myself in the well, my grandfather found me there, I had no strenght to climb up the stairs.

Until today, tears fill my eyes when I remember about it, when I see blooming sakuras, dancing ones when the wind blows, and coming to stop in my room. I take them so carefully, I don't know if I'll hurt them the same way he hurt me.

I go down the stairs, stop in front of the sacred tree. Tears still falling, I can't control them, so I set them free, rolling down my face, the only thing you can distinguish is pain.

I face the well's house, I still have hope that you may come back one day, maybe it's on this hope that I live nowadays, on this thin line of hope that I grasp myself, and I know that if I let it escape from my hands, I'll commit something insane...

Hey people

hope you liked it!

kisses

Star Angel Matsuyama