The Legend of Celestia Futarius
This is the most offensive, defiling piece of literary crap to ever pass from my fingers, It is a racist, sexist, homophobic, and poorly portrayed parody of four awesome movies, 300, Gladiator, Awesomest Maximus and Troy with a futanary Celestia as the protagonist and a fairy fruitcake Sombra as the antagonist; Shining Armor's gay and Sunset Shimmer gets violated! Enjoy.
I can't believe you actually clicked on this, why?! Did you not read the summary?! That was your only warning damn it!
lol I kid, I'm just being an ass at this point, I just wanted to drive away sticks in the mud with the summary leaving only the open minded easy going readers who actually have a sense of humor and can laugh at movies like Scary Movie, Date Movie, and National Lampoon movies which are pretty good representations of what offensive slander you're about to read.
So! For those of you reading this at this point who can actually enjoy a retarded debaucherizing slaughter of quality television, here's the actual summary!
Celestia has been prophesized as the greatest general to ever live long before she was born, now she stands as the leader of Troy's army with her faithful lieutenant Luna and her gold digging wife Twilight. Unfortunately there's one force that even Troy can't handle, Greece, ruled over by the god-king Sombra; in an attempt to kiss his ass so as to avoid the likely scenario of him sending milions of soldiers to kick Troy's ass and get freaky with their mares, Celestia is sent to their capitol city to make peace. But things go awry when Shining Armor gets a little too personal with Sombra's wife Cadence and smugles her back to Troy. Celestia's worried about Sombra's wrath but Shining and Twilight's dad King Loopy is just glad that his son isn't a fudgepacking coltcuddling fairy. Will Troy survive? Can Celestia rise to the plate and fulfile her title as the greatest general who ever lived? Or will she completely fuck everything up as usual?
***DISCLAIMER***
I do not own My Little Pony Frienship is Magic, 300, Gladiator, Troy, or Awesomest Maximus nor do I have any aphiliations with them, their producers or their benifactors. I make no money off this work of fiction intended purely for entertainment purposes. Please support the official releases.
***DISCLAIMER***
********************************WARNING*********** *****************************
Where... the fuck... to start...
Swearing.
Violence.
ANTHRO PONIES
Slight gore.
Sexual themes.
Jokes of a Politically Incorrect nature, i.e. racist, sexist, homophobic, pokes shots at the mentally impared. etc. No seriously, this story is very offensive.
Futa Celestia.
Non-rhyming stoner Zecora.
Celestia and Luna are not related.
And that's about all there is to say. Enjoy this debauchery piece of shit I call a story.
*********************************WARNING********** *****************************
Last chance to turn back...
Chatper 1, SERIOUSLY LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK!
It began, wi-seriously you can still hit the back button and forget you read any of this! No? well... your the one who's gonna have to deal with the migrane...
*The world's fate is decided by legends. Ponies who are larger than life.*
A great bloody battle took place out in... somewhere... with fields... I don't fucking know, there's a war happening that's all you need to know.
*Who's tales of courage don't just echo through their time, but through ALL time. And so it was with Celestia Futarius.*
Celestia stood proud in bronze plate mail with a spartan helmet stanind 8 feet tall while down at the bottom of 'you don't need to know the location of' hill, Troy's armies surrounded but a single score of resisting barbarians.
Celestia nodded before stepping foward and nearly tripping over a dead soldier, "woops! Heh heh, sorry there pal!" she laughed while holding her beer mug.
*Even if she was one STUPID mother fucker.*
Celestia stood now next to her Lieutenant, sister, and fellow futa, Luna, "hey Luna! My mane mare, how's uh, all this looking?" she gestured towards the surrounded barbarians.
"Good general," Luna replied, "as you can see, the odds are heavily in our favor."
Celestia nodded, "super!"
"We're ready to finish this general-" "tst!" Celestia cut her off, "something is amis... Ah! Super." she turned to a serving colt to refiled her mug of beer, "yeah just go ahead and top her off there Bob. Woah! When! Heh heh."
Luna drew her sword and in a knightly fashion she boasted, "to strength! And honor!"
Celestia rose her cup ion a similar fashion, "and to beer and blowjobs!" she immitated sucking a cock with lewd noises as Luna gave her a bland annoyed look.
"... You know, why don't we just go with the archers?" Celestia suggested.
"The calverie's too close." she responded promptely.
"Oh the calverie's fine!" Celestia chuckled.
Luna sighed, her prayers went out to the poor stallions who were about to die and gave the signal for the archers.
Celestia calmly ordered, "fir-" "FIIIIRREEEE!" Luna screemed properly making Celestia rub her sore ear.
The arrows flew high through the air, the Barbarians looked up in fear... and saw the arrows fly... and fly... and go RIGHT over their heads towards the Trojan soldiers behind them; a series of 'thnk's sounded out as soldier after soldier was impailed by their own contryponies.
Celestia made a sore inhale through her teeth, "ah... we should uh... probably move the calvery back a bit... cause of... ya..." she gestured to a bunch of spots on her armor imitating arrow impailments.
XXXXX
Later in the tents, a victory celebration was in full swing with naked mares and strippers abound even though stripper poles probably didn't exist back then... oh well it's fucking awesome so don't question it.
*The gods fortold that one day Celestia Futarius would become the greatest general who ever lived. And when your destiny has been prophesized by the gods, shiiiit, you might as well head down to the titty bar and get FUCKED up!*
Celestia was currently getting a lapdance from Lyra and Bon Bon gave her a lap dance. A toples lapdance.
Luna walked over, "ahem, general..."
"Hey Luna! What's up dude? Hey check this out!" she pressed her muzzle into Bon Bon's breasts and blew out air as she shook her head left and right.
Luna blinked with a deadpan, "that's... awesome... I guess..."
"I call it, a motor boat." Celestia stated poshly.
"... What is a motor boat?" Luna asked quickly.
"It's a boat with a motor, duh." Celestia responded with a derp face.
"... What's a moror?"
"..." Celestia paused for a few seconds, "beats the shit out of me, hey barkeep! Shot's over here!" she gestured with her fingers.
"King loopy would like to see you sera." Luna informed prompting Celestia to make a 'not now' gesture.
Luna pressed on regardless, "King Loopy... your father in law... from your wife the princess, her father king Loopy?"
At that, Lyra and Bon Bon quickly left.
"No wait!" Celestia called out, "she's fine with it! YOU'RE BARBARIAN STRIPPERS! YOU'D BLOW RETARDS FOR A SHINY PEBBLE! Son of a bitch..." she turned to her lieutenant and sister, "thanks a lot cock blocker!"
"Just because we're futas doesnt mean we need to get our dicks wet at every opportunity." Luna said with a stern expression.
"What's your deal Luna?! Don't you like tits?" Celestia.
"I love tits." Luna.
"You hate tits." Celestia.
"I love tits." Luna.
"Uh, no you don't." Celestia.
spotted a topless waitress nearby and grasped hold of her breast, "yes I do."
Celestia nodded her head, "touche."
XXXXX
Inside the city of Tory, King Loopy sat on a throne with two Unicorns giggling next to him.
it was then that Celestia and Luna entered into the room.
"Celestia!" Loopy chirped before turning to the two serving mares, "girls, leave us, but not for too long, these pills only last for four hours." And with that, the whores left the room.
*King Loopy, ruler over all which he surveyed and crazier than a shit house rat with syphilus in his brain.*
Celestia turned to Loopy with a smile, "it's good to be king isn't it sire?"
"Oh yes indeed! Celestia... I don't care if futas are considered primarily mares, you're the son I never had." He replied.
Celestia blinked, "what about Shining Armor?"
"Shining's a pussy and I think he likes colts."
Celestia nodded, "good point." Luna actually agreed with her.
"So, how's married life?"
Celestia smiled, "oh you know Twilight, once a princess alwasy a princess."
Loopy nodded sagely, "ya just like her bitch mother..."
"I think she's a little worried that you might be naming Shining next in line to be king right?" Celestia inquired.
Loopy shook his head, "wouldn't he technically be Queen?"
Celestia bursted out laughing.
Loopy nodded, "OK let's get down to business, I want you to join Shining Armor in Greece."
Celestia furrowed her brows, "what's he doing in Greece?"
XXXXX
Shing Armor jumped up and down as rave music played and strobe lights flew around the room.
XXXXX
"I want you to help him kiss their hairy Greek asses and make sure he doesn't piss them off so that they don't send millions of guys over here to enslave us and get wierd with our mares."
Luna frowned, "uh, if I may, I can handle this sir, no need to bother our... great... general."
"I am a great general." Celestia said quickly.
"Yes you are." Luna replied exaustedly.
"Yes I am." Celestia.
"Yes that's what you think." Luna.
"There is no thinking it's the truth deal with it." Celestia.
Loopy cut in, "the fate of Tory is in your hands."
Celestia nodded with a serious face, "I'm on it." and with that, she left.
Luna stepped forward, "forgive me King Loopy but... Celestia can barely handle herself. I don't think she's ready for such an important mission on her own I mean she's always had the army and myself to cover her ass."
"You forget Luna, when Celestia was born, the gods said she was destined to be a legend."
"But Sire, I'm not really sure-" "we have the greatest army in the world! How bad could she fuck things up?"
Luna sared silently at the king for a few moments, "... pretty bad."
XXXXX
Celestia sat in her and her wife's room as she sipped at some beer.
*It was the first time that Celestia had been sent on an important mission alone. So she decided to talk it over with her gold digging bitch-ass wife Twilight Sparkle. As if she knew what the fuck.*
Twilight walked over to Celestia, "Celestia, get your head out of your ass and listen to me! This is a good thing, daddy has never given you this much personal responsibility before. He must finally be realizing that Shining is a total homo, and Troy can't have a gay king!" she began walking over to the window, "you know what this means Celestia? If this works out... he'll make YOU King of Troy, and that means I will get to be the Queen!"
Celestia took another sip of beer methodically as Twilight began to rant, "and we'll get to move into the castle and... we'll have tons of servants! And I'll get invited to all the best parties." She turned suddenly to Celestia, "don't fuck this up!"
"N-no I won't! Sounds great! So uh... maybe you and I should have a little... you know... celebration?" she gestured towards the bed.
"We're married Celestia, You have to earn it first." Twilight replied and began to leave.
Celestia grumbled into her beer mug, "fat ass bitch..." she mumbled.
"What was that?!"
"Nothing! I-I was talking about me! I'm fat! I-I'm a fat bitch! I wanna work out for you, I wanna lo-yoga with you, hot yoga with you I LOVE YO- fuck..." Twilight was already gone.
XXXXX
*Meanwhile, the self proclaimed Greek god-king Sombra, the most rutheless stallion in the land, I mean this guy was a real prick and wierd in a 'don't leave him alone with foals' kind of way if you know what I'm talking about. Anyway...*
Sombra stood on the back of a chariot wearing a BDSM gimp suit full with leathers and chains while the Greek army stood behind him and far ahead was the legion of the Crystal Kindom.
*He was about to conquer the Crystal Kindom; and after bringing the Crystal Kingdom under Greek rule, he would be the stallion.*
"It is a good day for the crows!" Sombra said with a sort of spanish sort of italian accent, "and I hear they love the taste of Crystal...ions..."
The Crystal General blinked, "Crystaleian." he corrected.
"That's what I said!" Sombra shouted immaturely.
"No, you emphasized the wrong syllable!" The general spat back.
"Whatever! Look I'm supposed to be at an orgy in half an hour! I've pushed them back four times already so I'm going to be a generous god-king here OK?" he said with a feminine swagger, his voice spiking at the end. "Rather than meeee, killing alll of your ponies, let's save some time and some lives and whatnot and do this old school! Your best friend vs. mine! If my guy wins, you submit to my rule, plain and simple!"
"And if my guy wins?" The general asked with a cocked brow.
"... Then I'll leave."
"Really?!"
Sombra looked left and right before putting his crossed fingers behind his back, "you have my word."
The General seemed satisfied, "alright, deal. THEE GREAT AND BIG BITCH!"
A giant fat over muscled mare shoved her way through a bunch of guards holding two spears.
Sombra's eyes widened, "fuck! How big was her mama's vag?!"
*Not big enough*
Sombra nodded and held his arms out, "BLLUUUUEEEBAAAAAALLLLS!"
... a few seconds passed...
"...BLUEBALLS!..." Sombra blinked.
Great Big Bitch laughed, "The Great Big Bitch has this effect on many ponies!"
Sombra turned to his general, "where the fuck is Blueballs! This is embarassing! I mean come on! I'm standing here calling his name, we're all here and he's not answering me?! I'm so tired of this!" he began to sob.
Sombra turned towards the Crystal General, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, you're time is important; my time is important."
XXXXX
Out in the middle of who the fuck knows where, a tend stood with the clan symbol of two hairy balls.
*Blueballs, orginially named Blueblood, he took on the new title when he came of age. He was King Sombra's greatest warrior, an immortal among stallions.*
Blueballs lay upon a bed as mares oil massaged him and manicured his nails.
*And kind of a pussy liped bitch at the same time.*
A servant came over ith a platter full of crackers and cheese. Blueballs leaned up and looked at the tray, "me? Carbs?!" he knocked the tray into the air before laying back down.
A small colt walked into the tent, "Blueballs, King Sombra wants to see you."
"Tell your king I'm not going anywhere until I'm finished with my manscaping." he replied.
*As legend had it, when Blueballs was born, a goddess dipped him into a river that would make him indestructible. But since she was holding him by his little foal balls, his nutsack remained vulnerable to the sword.*
Blueballs exited the tent into the open desert wearing his armor with the colt trailing behind him, "Blueballs! Your swords." he handed over two shortswords which Blueballs then took.
As the warrior made his way to the chariot the colt had to ask, "are those stories about you true?"
"That I wax my ass?"
"No."
"That I banged my mom by accident one time when we were both wasted?" Blueballs turned around, "so what? We're both single."
The colt shook his head slowly with a horrified look on his face, "no, not that... this Great and Big Bitch chick, she's the biggest pony I've ever seen, I wouldn't wanna fight her"
Blueballs sighed, "well, that's why nopony will remember your name."
"... I don't wanna fight her cause I'm only ten years old."
"Ya well... whatever pussy." Blueballs walked back to his chariot.
"Ya well the only reason anypony will remember you is cause your named after whats inside my nutsack jerkoff!"
XXXXX
Blueballs' chariot finally arived at the war sight where Sombra stood tapping his hoof with crossed arms, "well look who decided to join us!"
"Eat me." Blueballs retorted.
"Why you got to be such a premadona?"
Blueballs glared, "you know what? I don't need this shit." and began to head back to his chariot.
"Blueballs wait!" Sombra called out halting the stallion's path.
"Look at the stallion's faces."
Blueballs looked over towards the ugly ass soldiers, "ugh, good lord..."
"You! And only you can send them back to their pathetic families with a single swing of your sword."
Blueballs sighed and stood for a few moments before heading towards the chariot to grab his swords.
Sombra crossed his arms and grumbled, "he's such an asshole..."
Blueballs grabbed his twin swords and began charging towards Great Big Bitch; the first spear thrown at him was dodged as he hopped into the air doing the splits. He front flipped over the second thrown spear and deftly spun to his left to dodge the third spear.
"You mother fucker!" Great Big Bitch roared out as her layers of fat jiggled.
Blueballs continued a series of highly unnecessary arcrobatics until he backflipped behind Trixie and landed with both swords piercing through her back.
Great Big Bitch snarled and jiggled as she fell to the ground causing a minor earthquakee while she died. Blueballs retrieved his swords and turned back towareds the Crystal Ponies, "is there nopony else?! IS THERE NOPONY ELSE?!"
A series of clanking shields sounded as a skinny nerd was shoved out passed the the front lines while he cried, "stop it you dicks!"
Blueballs lowered his swords, "I didn't think so."
The Crystal general stared down at the warrior, "who are you soldier?"
Blueballs whipped around to face the speaker, "Blueballs," he answered, "the greatest warrior that ever lived."
"And the hunkiest too." a voice called out form the line of soldiers. Blueballs turned towards the line to see a stallion licking his lips.
"Pussy." Blueballs spat before walking away.
XXXXX
Back within the depths of 'you don't need to know where' desert, act two scene 4 begins with a nightime setting within Sombra's way too fucking big castle and a feast of celebration.
*After conquering the Crystal Ponies, Sombra was now an even bigger threat to Troy. And so, Celestia met up with her brother in law Shining Armor at King Sombra's post victory party to kiss Sombra's ass. but with no tongue, 'cause this silly fruitcup would probably like that shit.*
Sombra raised a cup at the feast table, "on behalf of myself and my beautiful young wife Cadence. We welcome you to Greece."
Celestia raised her own mug of beer in salute. And then she noticed Sombra and Shining's eyes meet, seeing some sort of wierd vibe going on she shifted her eyes between the two.
"Let us drink as friends!" Sombra called out as everypony present gave a toast.
"As friends!" Celestia responded and brought the mug to her mouth before quietly adding, "at least until one of us fucks the other over."
Sombra's smile dissapeared.
Celestia sensing that she was about to -once again- fuck everything up quickly added, "oh no! I was kidding, it was a joke you know..."
Cadence spat out her drink as she began laughing hysterically prompting Celestia to smile, "see? She gets it!"
Cadence waved a boar leg at her, "you fucker!" she laughed out.
Celestia laughed in response, "you fucker!"
Cadence's eyes then locked with Shining's the two of them began lickign their lips and making extremely lewd gestures towards oneanother.
Celestia blinked at the blatant treachery and quickly leaned in to whisper, "Shining! That's Sombra's wife!"
"Iiiiii know that..." Shining responded.
"Well, could you BE any less subtle?!" Celestia snapped.
"...I could try." and with that, Shining rose from the table and followed Cadence upsatairs causing Celestia to throw her arms up in exasperation before taking a swig of beer, "fucking douchebag..."
Upstairs in Cadence's room, the Alicorn was brushing her mane infront of a mirror as Shining entered into the room.
Cadence gasped in a stereotypical fashion, "you shouldn't be here..."
Shining smiled coyly, "that's what you said last night."
Cadence shifted adorably inplace, "last night I was rolling on E."
Shining stepped closer, "and the night before that?"
Cadence shifted slightly further away, "I think I was pretty drunk..."
Shining finally caught up to his prize and grabbed the back of her dress, "ya you were pretty wasted." he chuckled.
"Well I've been messed up all week..." Cadence blushed even through her pink coat.
"I know." Shining responded as he undid Cadence's dress and dropped the fabric to the floor, "this is the best spring break EVER!"
"Oh Shining!" Cadence shivered.
Back downstairs...
Celestia and Sombra were continuing to eat when suddenly feminine moaning began to ring throughout the room.
Sombra furrowed his brows as he looked up at the ceiling. Celestia's eyes darted around as she quickly formulated a plan, "oh! Oh yes! This boar is fantastic! Oh yea!" she moaned as she continued to eat.
Sombra smiled and nodded.
Celestia threw the boar back onto her plate and grumbled.
Back upstairs...
Cadence and Shining both jumped up and down on Cadence's bed while giggling. "Shining you're amazing! I never would have thought of putting this top with this skirt! You have a real eye for fashion."
Shining giggled femininely, "oh my gosh are you for cereal?"
"Well, better than any guy I've ever met, that's for certain!" Cadence responded.
Shining laughed, "oh I am so messed up right now but I LOVE hanging out with you!"
"Me too!" Cadence squeeled.
"Oh! I have the best idea! I have the best idea... you should come back to Troy with me!" Shining suggested.
"Okie dokie let's not get crazy here..." Cadence sat down on the bed and Shining joined her.
"No I'm serious it'll be so much fun! I have a HUGE trustfund"
Cadence tilted her head, "how huge?"
"It's pretty big," Shining answered, "If you come back with me it'll probably break the peace between Greece and Troy, millions of ponies will die and the gods will curse us for ever, we'll get burned alive, yadah yadah but it's been a GREAT week."
"It has!" Cadence giggled.
"Plus, it'll keep my dad from thinking that I like guys." Shining added.
Cadence furrowed her brows, "but what about the other day when I caught you watching the gaurd pee?"
"I mean listen, I'm deffinitely going through some sort of experimental phaze right now... but I like chicks." Shining responded quickly.
Cadence stared blankly at him.
"No I do I like chicks, I totally like chicks... especially chicks with a keen sense of style like you! Look at that!" Shining assured.
"aw you're sweet." Cadence slapped his thigh.
"So come back with me? Please, please, Pleeaaaase?" he asked with puppy dog eyes.
Cadence sighed as she thought it over, "well... it could be kinda hot to have a war fought over me... so... count me in!"
END OF CHAPTER 1 BITCHES!