A/N: This was inspired by one short scene from the movie "The Boondock Saints." I do not own the rights to this film, nor "Star Trek: Voyager."

WARNING: Some possibly-offensive language.

Captain Kathryn Janeway stood in her Ready Room, sipping her coffee slowly.

Her door chimed.

"Yes."

Seven of Nine entered, and folded her hands behind her back. "You wished to see me Captain."

Janeway turned to face Seven. "That's right." Her blue eyes traveled up and down Seven. "How've you been Seven?"

Seven raised her head, just slightly. "I have been well, Captain."

Janeway began to pace. "I understand that you've been...expanding your social network. You and Commander Chakotay have been growing particularly close."

"We have." Seven replied. "And as I understand it, he has always been exceptionally close with you, Captain."

"Yes, Seven," the captain said, with just the slightest edge in her voice. "Chakotay and I are very close." Looking down at her coffee, she added, "We were supposed to meet in my quarters for dinner tonight. But he never showed. I suppose he was with you?"

Seven's eyes flared. "No. He had agreed to meet with me for dinner on the holodeck, and was absent. I had assumed he might have returned to you, to confess some secret torch he'd been carrying for you, before returning to reject me."

"In my dreams." Janeway rubbed her mouth fretfully. "If he wasn't with you, and he wasn't with me, then where...?"

"Engaging in homoerotic activity with Lt. Paris, perhaps," Seven suggested.

Janeway shook her head. "No, Tom's been on the bridge this whole time." She looked up slowly, as a horrifying realization overcame her. "My god, he's probably been abducted by aliens. Or tripped into some parallel universe. Or a time portal!"

"Not necessarily," Seven countered. "He may simply be unconscious in his quarters, the first victim of some radiation sickness that will kill us all one by one. Or he may have consumed some poisonous alien dish served by Neelix, and fallen ill. Or perhaps invisible aliens are experimenting on the crew again, and have transformed him into a highly evolved salamander."

Janeway tapped her com badge. "Janeway to Chakotay!"

"Chakotay here."

Janeway breathed a sigh of relief. "Commander! You're alive!"

"...last time I checked,"

Sternly, Janeway explained, "You didn't show for dinner tonight."

"Nor for our date on the holodeck," Seven added.

On the other end, they heard Chakotay swear softly. "Those were both tonight? I'm sorry Seven, Kathryn. I've had a long week, what with the Quarren brainwashing plot, and then the Doctor knocking me out and stuffing me in the morgue. I must've lost my head for a bit."

"It's perfectly alright Commander." Janeway assured him. "We'll just schedule it for another time."

In his quarters, Chakotay sat up on his bed, holding his com badge in his hand. Stark naked, he was covered only by his blanket from the waist down.

"Alright," he tried to keep his voice steady and professional, as he squirmed to shake the arms of his partner off him. "Sounds good."

The young man next to him, equally nude, was constantly trying to wrap his arms around Chakotay's torso. Like a jellyfish or an octopus, he was relentless.

"How about next Thursday, 0700." Janeway suggested. "I'll replicate Chinese."

"Fine by me! See you then. Chakotay- omf!" He and his partner had accidentally collided heads. "Chakotay out." He pressed his com badge, ending the transmission, and let it clamor onto the night table. "Harry what are you doing?!"

The young ensign looked up at Chakotay innocently. "I just wanted to cuddle."

"Cuddle?!" Chakotay looked at Harry as if he'd just suggested an alliance with the Borg, then settled back into the bed. "You're such a faggot."