(Author's Note: Requested by FililiKilili on tumblr. ^^ )
Aki and Haru had always been close. They took comfort in each other and curled close at night against the empty, cruel world. Their shared touches staved off lethal loneliness. But at some point... the reassuring contact changed. Aki's heart skipped a beat when Haru's arm wrapped around his shoulders or waist. Heat rose inside of him when Haru tugged him into his lap. The once-innocent touch of intertwined fingers began to feel strangely intimate. Aki lay awake at night, feeling torn as his twin held him close. Their bare legs tangled together; Haru's breath brushed against Aki's throat in slow, rhythmic waves. Aki didn't know if he wanted to push Haru away or pull him closer.
Something was wrong.
Something was wrong with Aki. It was the only explanation. They were brothers. They were meant to be close, but the feelings coiling inside of Aki were so much more than that-and it scared him to death. Haru was his everything and always had been. He couldn't ruin that. Shoving the riot of emotions into the darkest corner of his mind, Aki tried to forget them.
Haru asked what was wrong for a long time. It broke Aki's heart to shut his twin out, but a secret this poisonous had to be protected at all costs. So, he got better at smiling and feigning happiness. He put up a careful mask, and eventually even Haru believed it. Aki felt more alone than ever before.
He thought it would get easier with time. Thought that the sinful feelings would suffocate and die inside of him if they were locked up long enough. They didn't. The toxic cocktail of emotions roiled inside of him no matter how hard he tried to deny them. They refused to disappear. And when Aki saw his brother's whole expression light up with at the sight of their childhood hero, he knew that his prayers had been answered-and his worst fears had been realized. Haru was in love. It put Haru safely out of the way of Aki's sinful feelings, but Aki just felt worse. And worse.
"Aki?"
Aki hugged his knees to his chest, sinking further into the scalding hot bath. Tears splashed into the water, and he clenched his jaw, fighting to keep silent. He couldn't worry Haru-not when things were just starting to go right for his brother. Struggling to regain mastery of his voice, Aki called out carefully, "just a minute, Haru."
Haru laughed on the other side of the door. "What are you doing? It's four in the morning. And since when do you lock the bathroom door?"
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Haru's hands tightened around his arms. His nails dug into the skin. He used the sharp sensation to still his broken breath and force it into something resembling normal.
"Nah, couldn't sleep. Come on-aren't you going to let me in?"
That makes two of us. "I will, hang on." Aki sighed. He sank all the way into the bath, submerged himself completely, and started counting. One... two... three... With every second of carefully held breath, every second of searing hot water against his skin, he slowly pulled himself back together. He silenced his thoughts, quieted his troubled mind. The burning behind his eyes faded to a dull ache. …Nine… ten. He stood, water cascading off of him, and reached for a towel to dry himself off.
"Aki, come on!"
The door of the bathroom jiggled, and Aki heard his twin give an exasperated groan. Aki shrugged on a robe, tied it at the waist, and pulled the plug in the bathtub. Water spiraled down the drain.
"Aki..."
"Coming, coming." Aki took a deep breath. He opened the bathroom door. Haru tumbled into his arms with a yelp-he must have been leaning against the door-and Aki caught him awkwardly. Haru looked up in surprise, crimson eyes wide, arms around Aki's waist for support. A mere breath separated them. If Aki leaned forward even an inch...
Aki pushed the thoughts out of his mind. He dropped Haru like a hot brick, jerking away from him. His chest tightened with horror. He had almost done it. Aki really couldn't trust himself, not around Haru. Haru stumbled and caught himself, and looked up at Aki with a torn expression. Hurt and confusion battled across his features, his browed furrowed. "Aki?"
"Sorry... I suppose I am a little tired, after all." It as a lie, and they both knew it.
Aki offered an empty smile and stepped past his brother to their shared bed. Haru trailed after him like a lost puppy, and it took everything in Aki's power not to look back. He didn't bother changing out of the robe before slipping into the bed and pulling the covers up past his nose. He closed his eyes and ignored Haru. If he just pretended he was asleep, maybe Haru would let things go.
The minutes stretched past. Aki kept his eyes closed, listening. Finally, his twin sighed and returned to bed as well. If Haru slept, he was the only one.
I need a distraction. Aki's heart sank. The burn of tears threatened behind his closed eyes. It was the only way. Haru had Gora-Aki needed to find someone, too. He needed to forget these horrible, wonderful feelings once and for all.
It didn't find long to find a prospect. Reina was a second-year at the neighboring all-girls' school. She had excellent grades and came from a wealthy family, and Aki supposed she would be considered beautiful by most people's standards. After 'accidentally' bumping into her and carefully constructed smalltalk, the girl looked at Aki as if he were a god among men. It seemed unfair that Aki felt absolutely nothing for her. He told himself it would change-that if he spent enough time with her and away from Haru, he would forget the terrible, incestuous feelings he had for his twin. He convinced himself that if he played the part well enough, maybe he would fall for the act himself. If he went through the motions, maybe Aki would fool himself into being attracted to Reina.
It didn't work. Not for the lack of trying, though. Aki spent every spare minute with Reina, luring her closer with flowery words and sharing empty, bitter kisses. Her fingers laced with his, but it never felt as right as it had with Haru. Reina's skirts got shorter and shorter as the days passed. She bent down frequently to pick up dropped pencils, books, and papers, and made herself at home in his lap. She whispered wanton nothings into his ear, trailed fingertips down his chest, and the only thing that Aki felt was disgusted. He forced himself to tolerate it-forced himself to smile and chuckle when appropriate, to put his arm around her even though it felt so wrong.
After taking Reina out to dinner and forging an excuse for why he couldn't spend the night with her, Aki headed home. He should give Reina what she wanted. He knew that. But somehow, no matter how many sweet, fake words he uttered… no matter how often he tolerated her touch, he just couldn't force himself to take that final step. Even the thought of it left him feeling nauseous.
The moon began its ascent toward the heavens, a mere sliver of its former, silver glory. Aki glanced up at it and sighed. He felt like he was waning, too. Aki slipped in through the front door of his home quietly, in case Haru was already asleep.
He wasn't.
Haru waited with his arms crossed, red eyes flashing hellfire and mouth twisted into a scowl. "Where have you been?"
"Out." Aki walked past his brother to their shared room. He was too tired for Haru's tantrum right now. Aki felt sick from his night with Reina, and wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and forget that she even existed. He pulled off his uniform and slipped into an over-sized button-up shirt. Haru stormed into the room behind him, but Aki didn't bother turning around.
"Out where?"
"Out with a girl."
Tense silence stretched between the two. "You're kidding." Haru sounded less than sure.
Aki slipped into bed. His head was buzzing angrily, and his stomach still knotted in protest to Reina's unwanted, but necessary affection. He pulled the blankets up to his ears and closed his eyes. "Her name is Reina," he muttered.
"What the hell, Aki!"
He ignored Haru. His twin would get bored without an audience after a few minutes, most likely. Or... that's what Aki thought, until the blankets were ripped off of him. Haru straddled up, and his hands fisted in the front of Aki's shirt. He yanked him up, fury smoldering in his eyes. Aki flinched. His eyes squeezed shut, and he put his hands up in defense, expecting the worst. The blow never came.
"What about us?"
Aki peeked one eye open. "What do you mean?" His words sounded as wary as he felt.
Haru paled. His grip loosened on Aki's shirt, and his shoulders slumped. "I mean... what about us, Aki? We've always been together-I'm not going to let some girl come between us, it's not fair!" His hands shook, and his eyes shone wetly. He looked away from Aki. Tears dripped down onto the blankets and splashed against Aki's arms.
Aki's chest tightened, and panic flared inside of him. He'd never meant to hurt Haru. "Haru..." Aki reached out to cup Haru's cheek gently. "I wouldn't ever let her come between us. We're brothers-nothing will change that."
"That's not what I mean!" Haru threw the words back accusingly, and his fingers tightened in Aki's shirt again.
Aki sighed, trying to make sense of things. "What do you mean, then?"
Haru shook his head, struggling for words. He gripped Aki's shirt harder and yanked his twin close. Aki tried to catch himself—he put his hands between them, but Haru's arms wrapped around him. Haru crushed him close, and their lips met in a salty, desperate kiss. Aki tried to protest, tried to be the voice of reason. He wouldn't be able to stop at this rate-but when he tried to speak Haru's tongue slipped into his mouth to rub against his, and whatever words Aki had prepared melted into a soft moan.
The sound spurred Haru on even more. The younger twin pinned Aki down onto the bed, kissing him roughly. Aki's common sense evaporated. He arched into Haru, legs intertwining with his twin's. He kissed Aki back hard, exploring his mouth and nipping at his lower lip, intoxicated with passion. It felt right in a way that kissing Reina never had. Haru's hands slid away from his wrists, and his arms wrapped around Aki's waist. Aki's fingers tangled in Haru's hair as his twin trailed kisses and teasing bites down his throat, nuzzling into him. "I mean this," Haru whispered. His arms tightened around Aki. "We were meant to be together... right?"
Tears clouded Aki's vision, and he hugged Haru close. His fingers stroked through his brother's hair. He released the feelings he'd kept locked away for so long, and ignored the cruel voice that whispered that this wasn't right. It felt right. It had to be right. "Yeah," he agreed, voice broken. Warm tears streaked down his cheeks. He leaned down to kiss the top of Haru's head, cuddling him close.
Haru relaxed around him. "I love you, Aki..." He shifted, stealing a softer, sweeter kiss. Aki savored it, kissing him back gently. He reached up to brush the tears away from his brother's cheeks, and Haru mimicked the gesture, brushing the tears from Aki's cheeks in return.
"I love you, too," Aki whispered.
"Always?"
Aki nuzzled into Haru, hugging him close. His phone chimed somewhere nearby. He ignored Reina's text, and basked in his twin's warmth instead. The two shared soft, exhausted kisses. They curled together, two halves of a whole. "Always."