A/N: My first Supernatural. As English is only my second language please have mercy on my mistakes and me. Set after Season 8/ Episode 8.
Rated M (just to be safe)
DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE
I watch him out of the corner of my eye, he is oblivious to the fact that I stare too often. That's one of the things that make me stare at all: his cute innocence. I know he is not innocent. He wouldn't be a fallen angel if he was. And I know that he is clever and has a fast mind. Cas has seen so many things in his past, he is so much older and wiser than me. Just… pure.
I look at my hands. They're calloused from firing guns, from holding knifes, from fighting. My life was a mess from the beginning and thinking about it now doesn't help very much. Who am I kidding. I'm just a hunter and have nothing but my brother. I can't give anything. All I can do is kick ass and try to put on my smirk so that everyone who is looking thinks that everything is alright.
It is harder to smile this fake smile since I met Cas. He doesn't try to comfort the people around him just to pamper them. He tells the truth even if it might hurt. But then we all deserve the truth. Deep in myself I have to search for another truth when thinking of Cas.
The angel was with me when I was in purgatory. I have lost him in the beginning and felt more alone than before in my entire life. I remember turning around, calling his name and seeing that he was gone. Vanished. And I still recall the anger that rushed through my veins, the feeling of betrayal and the deep and pure loneliness. When I found him again by the riverside, sitting there, washing his face with cold water my heart got so much lighter. I felt like everything was getting better in this very second. He had left me alone to safe me and both Benny and Cas knew that it would be a failure to have an angel by my side. But I could never leave him alone.
My blood still freezes when I think of another moment in purgatory. We were fighting Leviathans, Cas, Benny and I. I was killing one of them, his black blood spilling everywhere and my stomach still hated it. Swallowing down the feeling I turned only to find Cas pinned to the ground by one of those monsters, close, so close to getting killed. All I could do was stare and think of all the things I haven't told the angel. Immobile and in deep shock my heart stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. Losing Cas would kill me for sure and I wasn't prepared to lose another loved one.
Benny saved my angel from the Leviathan and after Cas noticed that he was saved, his eyes searched around restlessly until they found mine. Our gazes locked and we shared a moment of such deep intimacy that I still have to shudder when I think about it. And I think about it way too often.
He hasn't left this hell with me. He Chose to stay. When he tried to contact me I saw him some times. My heart always raced, I longed to hold him but now that he is here I'm too afraid to grab him by his shoulders and pull him into ny arms. Sweet Cas. Interrogating a cat was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
My thoughts revolve around Cas whenever I have some time alone. My worst fear is that I fall for him. For a man. Never ever in my entire life have I considered something like this. I have hunted down beasts, creatures, demons, leviathans but nothing scares me more than the feelings that I bury so deep inside me.
Even Sam does not know about this. I hope he cannot see it in my eyes when I watch the angel doing one thing or the other. Hell, I love watching him while he moved with such grace that it makes me want to weep.
Time goes by and I still sit here, staring at Cas who is staring at the TV while holding a bottle of beer in his hand. He tries to act like a human and I guess he might fool other people into believing that he is a normal man but not me. The fascination with which he watches a cartoon like he has never seen it before is so damn cute and part of me hates him that he makes me think this way. A very small part. Most parts of me enjoy the tingle in my stomach. Strange how little I care about this. I want him so much that it doesn't matter to me that he is not like the women before. That makes it even better. He is special in all ways.
"Dean" I love how he says my name, his calm and rich voice fills my whole mind when he speaks to me. To me of all people on this earth. He trusts me, I know but I don't understand it. He has seen me kill angels and demons alike but this man is still glued to my side. He could find better friends if he wanted to and it scares me like nothing else that he will find that out one day and leave me and Sam for good. That day will come, I'm sure. "Dean" Cas says again, his voice still patient and I wake from my thoughts completely.
"Yes, Cas?" I answer and shake my head. My beer is empty but I only notice when I try to drink from the bottle in my hand.
"Aren't you tired? We are sitting here for hours, now, and normally you go to bed after you've seen the cartoons." For the first time this evening I look at the TV and turn it off. I haven't watched the cartoon at all. Cas loves them. And I love that Cas loves them because they bring a spark to his eyes that I have never seen in anyone before. And the smile on his face while he watches… I stand up so that my thoughts will not wander off on their own again.
"I will go to bed. Good night, Angel." I say and turn away from him and see Sam look up from the computer screen.
"Is it that late already?" My brother asks, yawns and stretches. I nod and head for the small bath before he can get there first. I hate motel rooms. So little space one had barely time for oneself. Again I wish for a decent life but it is as it is and so I brush my teeth and leave the room so Sam can do the same. Cas still sits on the sofa, looking at nothing in particular. I take a second to watch him again and when he notices he looks up at me, a slight smile on his beautiful features.
"Good night, Dean." He says and I go to bed., Sam following soon after, lying down in the other bed opposite mine. Lately Cas stays with us when we sleep and it soothes me to no end to know that he is with me and will be there in the morning when I wake up. He doesn't sleep because he doesn't need to. So he just stays, no TV on, just sitting there. I once caught him standing next to my bed, just watching me though I'm not sure if it was a dream or not.
My head is spinning with ifs and whens and it takes me a long time to fall asleep. When I wake up it is still dark but something has changed. My hunters senses are suddenly fully awake and I sit up. When I scan the whole room I find Cas standing next to my bed with his white wings fully opened. I have never seen him like that before but he looks great as always. Without saying a word he sits down next to me on the mattress, leans down to me and kisses me. I want to weep with joy but this still doesn't feel right. Before I can mouth my doubts he seats himself above me, his body lighter than it should be and I soon surrender. I want him so, I cannot send him away and I give in to his kisses while a moan rises in my chest.
"Dean." His soft and gentle voice. I beg him to say my name again. "Dean." He says it louder this time, nearly fierceful while pinning my hands to the mattress. I moan louder, I cannot help it and hope Sammy doesn't mind. We cannot stop now, it is simply impossible.
Cas grabs my shoulders and I slip away from him. He grabs my hands, so why do I feel his fingers on my shoulders? A slight feeling of panic rises in me before I wake up and stare into deep blue eyes. A dream? Yes, what else would make sense.
"Dean, you okay? You had a nightmare." When I look around I realize that dawn is breaking and Sam isn't in his bed any more. He always is up early for a jog and then he buys breakfast for all of us.
"It wasn't a nightmare." I mumble without thinking and see that gets scared.
"What was it then, Dean? You moaned so loud, I thought something was wrong…" He cares. Cas always does and it kind of makes me feel more like a normal man. He sits down and waits for me to explain my dream. I won't.
"Never mind, Angel. Thank you for waking me up." My words hurt him, I can see it in his eyes and it is written all over his face. I roll to the other side of the bed to get up so that I won't have to look at him or – even worse – touch him. My body still longs for him and I'm afraid like hell that he might see or notice. When I stand he grabs my hand and I turn around.
"Don't you love me anymore?" I stop breathing when I hear those words and my legs give in. No choices left I sit down and face him, staring at him for five minutes minimum.
"Why do you say that?" My voice doesn't sound like my own, so raspy and far away.
"You always tell me how you feel and what you think. Why not now? Don't you love me anymore?" He didn't get what I was trying to ask him and within seconds a hundred things run through my mind. He is right, I tell him everything: how I feel and what I think. I speak more to Cas than to Sam about such stuff. How has he noticed that I love him? I don't know and I don't care.
"Cas…" I'm tired of ignoring my feelings for him and so I give up. "How can I not love you? Why do you even ask?"
"I have watched the habits of humans a lot lately. You kiss and hug when you love someone. You haven't hugged me in ages like you used to. And you have told me everything that was on your mind. I was afraid when you would not tell me about your dream." Cas' voice trails off as if he'd said too much, timidly looking away from me. Maybe the angel is just as afraid and unsure as I am. I want him to look at me again, I want to see his eyes, his beautiful deep blue eyes that haunt me every second that I'm awake. "The way you call me 'Angel'… You still love me, right?" He is afraid of my answer! His whole body is shaking with anxiety and I cannot hold myself back. I grab his face so that I can force him to look into my eyes and he does.
"Of course I do. I love you, Angel." I say firmly and a smile breaks on his wonderful face. Before I know what happens to me I'm on my back against the wall behind the bed, my arms full of shivering Cas while he hugs me so hard I can barely breathe. I don't care, I'm just so damn glad that he loves me back, that he wants me to hold him and my arms sneak around his body to press him even closer. Gods, how I want him. Hesitating he looks up into my eyes.
"Show me, Dean. Please, please show me." Cas begs and I feel desire rush through my veins. He is so close and his smell makes me mad. He smells like fresh air, like sunshine, like life and so much like him. I take a deep breath, his scent filling my nose. When I look up his face is inches apart from mine and he closes the distance within seconds to kiss me like I have never been kissed before. He opens my lips nearly forceful and deepens the kiss. I comply gladly and shiver. Where has he learned to kiss like that?
Oh, how I will show him! When we come apart for air Cas lies beneath me and I pin his hands onto the pillow just above his head. I let my free hand wander, looking into his blue eyes. They hold my gaze for a moment but when my hand wanders beneath the angel's shirt he closes his eyes.
"Dean…" There he said it, moaned it actually! I want to hear it again and so I dig my nails into his soft flesh.
"Say it again!" I demand and he lets his head fall onto the pillow, his eyes closed, his neck exposed for me to kiss. I do and leave marks on his pale skin so that everyone will see that he is mine, now.
"Dean... please..." His pleas go on and on, he wants more as want I but I also want to take it slowly. "Dean" My name falls from his soft pink lips again and my control breaks. I rip his shirt open so that the buttons fly through the room from the force. I want him.
"You're mine, Angel. Mine."
"Yes, Dean." I yank down his blue jeans so that he lies in front of me in his boxers. Yes, he wants me, too. "Dean. Show me that you love me." His voice. Oh, his sweet voice makes me go insane. I show him how much I love him, how much I need him, all the while praying that Sam will not come through that door too early. I don't know how long it takes, but I guess we were fast. Cas' body shivers underneath me and when he screams my name in ecstasy I loose it, coming too.
The angel rolls himself together at my side, burying his face between my neck and shoulder. This closeness feels so good.
"I love you, too, Dean." My angel whispers and I close my eyes. When I open them again Sammy stands in front of my bed, slowly nodding his head. I place my finger on my lips so that Cas will not notice him too soon.
"I knew..." Sam says in a whisper. "Took you long enough..."
END
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