Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
A/N: Well. I've been writing this on-and-off for a while, until I wrote literally half of it in one sitting just now, and I'm proud to say it's finished! This is the first story I've ever classified as humour, so I hope you'll enjoy it as opposed to deciding it was too awful for me to continue living on this Earth. And one more thing before you start reading: this story was very much inspired by the brilliant The Marauders' Notes by Esin of Sardis. It's a brilliant story, and can be found in my favourites. Check it out, and please enjoy my first attempt at making you laugh instead of cry!
(And because quite a few reviewers have asked for clarification: Remus is in bold, Sirius is in bold italics, James is in normal and Peter is in italics.)
The Marauders' Alphabet
This is the alphabet according to the Marauders, Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, as recorded on the 7th of November 1976.
Merlin, Moony, did you have to be so formal about it?
Yes.
I love him when he's tired. So… succinct. One word answers, rather than a whole essay on why he started off our alphabet with all these big words.
I didn't know you knew the word 'succinct', Padfoot.
What can I say? I surprise you every day.
In your stupidity, maybe.
Can we get started? A.
Appleby Arrows!
I think you were the only one who thought that, Prongs.
Yeah. You don't even support the Arrows.
Well, then, what were you guys thinking?
Oh, I don't know… Animagus, maybe? Seeing as you happen to be an illegal one?
How is it that even when you're tied to a hospital bed with your arm all bandaged up and having to take ten potions an hour, you still manage to be sarcastic?
It's a gift. B.
Bellatrix Black, the bi—
Language, Padfoot!
Isn't it Bellatrix Lestrange now?
Thanks for reminding me, Prongs. The harpy who thinks that Muggle-borns are scum has married someone exactly like her. They might even procreate! Can you imagine? We'll have little Bellas running about the place! It's too horrible for words!
Has he fainted?
Nah, that's just Padfoot being dramatic. C.
Chocolate! Speaking of which, you haven't brought me any. What kind of friends are you if you don't bring me chocolate when I'm sick?!
I was hoping you wouldn't remember and I could keep it. Here.
Are you mad, Wormtail? Moony, not remember his chocolate? There's a greater chance of Snivellus handing out sweets!
Padfoot, what have I told you? That… that horrible word beginning with 's' is not to be used in polite company.
I doubt you can be called 'polite company', Prongs.
Which word? Sweets?
No, Snivellus, you idiot!
D.
Death Eaters.
You are such a cheerful person.
Well, then, what do you choose, Mr Sunshine?
Dramatics. Mostly yours, Padfoot.
E.
EVANS!
I suppose we had to get to this at some point…
For everyone who doesn't know, Prongs has been trying to get a certain Miss Lily Evans to go out with him for the past three-and-a-bit years. His success rate is zero.
Everyone here does know, Padfoot.
Wormtail, don't be stupid. Obviously, this parchment is going to be passed down to future generations so that they can marvel at our coolness. They won't know, will they now?
You're the stupid one, Pads. Evans and I are going to star in a great love story which begins when I sweep her into my arms and rescue her from her tormentors. Everyone will know our names, and our love!
What love? So far, on her side at least there is none. F.
Full moon.
Way to kill the mood, Pads.
Why? Full moons are happy now.
Awww. Look, Prongs! Proof that Moony loves us!
I never said that…
G.
Gryffindor!
Obviously.
You sound like Snape.
Moony, say that again and hospital or not, bad arm or not, I will bite you.
You sound like –
Moving on. H.
Hospital wing! Horror! Hideous!
That's enough chocolate for you. Do you know how much sugar this thing contains? Look at the packaging!
Why would I waste time reading the packaging when I could be eating it? I.
Illegal Animagus?
Wormtail! Has Moony dragged you over to the dark side? Are you now one of those people who disapprove of becoming illegal Animagi? NO! COME BACK TO US!
I never said I disapprove, just that it's dangerous.
Danger, schmanger.
Does that even work written down?
Does it matter? J.
MEEEEEEEEE!
As far as I'm aware, that begins with 'm'.
Punch him for me, Padfoot.
I'm an invalid! You can't punch me!
I'm sorry, Prongs. I can't do it. He's making those really big, innocent eyes again.
Softie.
You, on the other hand, I can and will punch.
Shall we move on? K.
Kathleen Williams.
That Ravenclaw fifth year?
Yeah. Padfoot's new fling.
Mr Padfoot begs to differ.
Mr Moony wonders what Mr Padfoot is complaining about now.
Kathleen isn't a fling. I like her.
The same way you liked Ellie Roberts, Helena Galton, Rosie Miles, Annabelle Thompson – help me out here, Wormtail…
Mandy Finch, Imogen Baxter, Paige Flynn…
Face it, Pads. Your track record isn't too great here.
I'm turning over a new leaf!
Are you okay, Moony? That was a nasty cough. I can get Pomfrey if you want…
I'm fine, Wormtail, thank you. I just choked on some improbability.
I'm hurt.
Ha.
So what, hypothetically, prompted you to turn over a new leaf, Padfoot?
Evans had a go at me after I dumped Flynn. She said I couldn't keep on treating girls like rubbish.
LILY, YOU ARE AMAZING!
And you actually listened to her, Padfoot?
Of course. Have you seen that girl's Bat-Bogey Hex, Moony?
As soon as I get out of this place, I'm going to buy Lily some chocolate.
No, you won't. You'll buy it and then 'forget' to give it to her.
I would like to take this moment to remind everyone that I am the only person in the entire universe who is allowed to buy things for Evans. So back off, everyone else. (Moony, that means you.)
The problem is that Evans throws everything you buy her in the bin or burns it, Prongs.
We are so far off topic it's ridiculous. L.
LILY!
There's no arguing with him, is there? M.
Marauders.
If readers are wondering why the above word is in four different scripts, it's because we felt that as Marauders, we all deserved the right to write it down.
Only after five minutes of arguing and a lovely new bruise on Prongs's face, though.
WHAT? NO!
That's what you get when you insult my pranks.
I can't woo Evans looking like this! Moony, fix it!
I'm not sure you've noticed, Prongs, but I happen to be stuck in a hospital bed magically restrained so that I can't escape, leaning on Padfoot in order to stay upright.
Again with the sarcasm.
Wormy, fix it!
Prongs, if you let me anywhere near you with a wand it's likely that you'll end up with three new ears and skin a fetching shade of chartreuse.
But… then what shall I do?
Suffer through the pain like a man. Come on, Prongs, it's only a bruise. N.
Nifflers.
That was a good one, wasn't it?
My favourite part was McKinnon realising she'd lost her earrings. She shrieked bloody murder, didn't she?
McKinnon wears earrings?
Not anymore. O.
Well, Order of the Phoenix, of course.
You don't have proof it exists, though.
Actually, we do. I heard the harpy that spawned me ranting about it this summer. And you know that time all those Muggles in York were murdered? I heard McGonagall saying to Dumbledore that it was 'a good thing they got the Prewetts out in time'.
Not Gideon and Fabian Prewett?
The two and only. (Actually, that doesn't really work, does it?)
Never mind. We've established the existence of Padfoot's long-term memory and of the Order. Can we move on? P.
Prongs? Padfoot? Peter? Pranks? There's too many…
I think you should go with me. My name is Peter Pettigrew, after all.
Well done, Wormtail. After sixteen years, you managed to learn your own name.
As in, I have two P's in my name, thereby making me the most eligible.
But… all those pranks… surely they should be glorified!
Grow up, Prongs. Q.
QUIDDITCH! (And by the way, Moony, I'm hurt that you think me childish. As everyone, and most especially Evans, knows, I am the epitome of manliness.)
Naturally.
Nobody else can even compare.
Moony, I know you can listen all day to Prongs waxing lyrical about himself, and as soon as you're out of hospital I'll arrange for the two of you to fall into each other's arms in a deserted classroom at sunset or even just have a fun time together in an empty broom closet, but please can we move on for now?
Moony's ill, Pads. He shouldn't have to listen to your inane ramblings. And look, Prongs has turned chartreuse without me doing anything! I always knew you had it in you, mate.
R… and say anything like that again, Padfoot, and I will rip you to shreds.
The full moon's not for another month.
Who said I'd wait for the full moon?
Remus.
What?
Our word for R. It can be Remus.
Oh… thank you, Wormtail.
It's not that big a deal, Moony. You don't need to look so happy. S.
Sirius. Severus "Snivellus" Snape. Snake. Slytherin. Slime. Stupidity. I can go on for a while…
No! No, stop! Don't associate my name with those degrading things!
Yeah, the only one that actually applies to Padfoot is the last.
Apologise first, Padfoot.
For what?
For spreading lies about me and Moony. And for making me feel sick. And for causing Moony to lose most of his colour. And for existing.
Never!
Sirius Snape has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Fine! I'm sorry!
Why are you sorry, Padfoot?
For making up stories about you and Moony! Just… just stop! Please!
Wow, Prongs. How did you make him apologise so quickly?
Blackmail is the key to Padfoot's heart, Moony.
That I can believe. T.
Ted Tonks.
Isn't that your cousin Andromeda's husband?
Yeah. They've got a kid, too. Wow… she'd be three by now. They grow fast.
Andromeda has a daughter? What's her name?
Nymphadora.
Oh, Merlin.
Yeah. Drommie might have been disowned, but she still has the Black taste for strange names. Dora's cute, though. She's a Metamorphmagus – loves changing her hair colour and things. It drives her mother mad, but her dad just thinks it's hilarious.
U.
Umbridge.
Who?
That creepy Ministry chick? I read about her in the paper loads of times. What's wrong with her?
Oh, my dad told me about her. She wants to pass loads of anti-werewolf laws – making it difficult for them to get jobs, marry, have children… even put tags on them.
That's horrible! The bit—
V.
Voldemort.
For Merlin's sake, Wormtail, don't squeak like that. It's only a name.
Padfoot, don't snap at Wormy. It's not his fault that Umbridge is a disgusting old toad unworthy of Azkaban.
Sorry, Wormtail.
It's okay, I know how you feel. W.
Wormtail? Werewolf? Whomping Willow?
Not the last one, please.
Moony, what do y—awwwwwwwww.
Awwwwwww.
Awwwwwww.
He does look sweet like that, doesn't he?
Poor thing. He must have been tired to drop off that quickly.
Well, Merlin knows we tire him out enough. Especially you, Pads.
Oh, please. Like you two are any better. X.
Xenophilius Lovegood, you know, that weird bloke who writes for the Quibbler?
'Weird' doesn't even begin to cover it. I was thinking more 'insane'.
Padfoot, do anything to Moony and I will not be happy, and neither will he when he wakes up.
Relax, I'm just adjusting his sheets. Have you noticed that he only looks really peaceful when he's sleeping?
He worries about stuff too much. He knows we don't care about his furry little problem, but he's still scared of… of being abandoned or something. Y.
Yuletide.
And you say you're not an aristocrat, born and bred. Padfoot, absolutely nobody on the entire planet calls Christmas Yuletide.
I can't help it! My parents drilled it into me and Reg that we were always to speak using 'proper English befitting our noble blood'.
Look, even Moony thinks you're ridiculous. He just turned his back on you in his sleep.
That's stupid. Moony loves me, everyone knows that. Z.
All I can think of is zzzzzz's.
Can't argue with you there, mate.
Moony'll kill us when he wakes up if we write that.
He'll kill us anyway. We called him sweet.
Are we talking about the same Moony here? You know, the one that sets spiders on the window-ledge instead of stepping on them when he finds them in the bathtub? That Moony?
I see your point.
Well, folks, you've just
Folks? Who says folks anymore? Even your dad doesn't say that!
Shut up, Pads, you're interrupting my announcement. Well, folks, you've just read the alphabet according to the Marauders! You are now going to go and prank Slytherins, and Snivellus if you can find him; we are going to bewitch all of Moony's chocolate to turn into miniature dragons and phoenixes.
Complete with real fire!
Be quiet, Padfoot.
Hopefully, you've been able to suffer through this madness – yes, Padfoot, I do mean madness, not awesomeness – and have a nice day pranking!
Love, the Marauders, Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.
A/N: Well, was it good, or too dreadful for words? I have this really bad feeling that I went OOC towards the ending, which has been edited several times. Please tell me what you thought in a review!
~Butterfly