SUPER SONIC SAYS: YOU SUCK!
Somewhere, for some reason I don't know and/or care…. A cheesy talk show music starts playing and a speaker announces… Oh! Did I mention that the speaker is Hyper Sonic?
HS: "LIVE! From the twisted mind of Sonic the Hedgehog we present to you the most sensational pyrotechnical amazing incredible popular interesting awesome humongous hilarious controversial followed brilliant deviated tax-free law-free senseless great aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnd too goody show EVER with the greatest coolest in-your-face most requested piece of showman the universe has ever seen the one the only the unique the brush the awesome…."
Super Sonic: "JUST SAY IT, HYPER NIMROD!"
HS:"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. SOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIC!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO! How was I? It was good right? Itwasitwasitwasitwasitwasitwasitwas!!"
SS: "It was good… NOW SHUT UP! Welcome ladies and gentlemen to simply the best show in town… Because it's MINE! Who am I? I'm simply the most way past cool being in God's land, your golden boy, Super Sonic! But enough about me (for now), this evening we will have a lot of guests, so without further ado let's meet our first."
Silence.
SS: "EHI, CRAZY STREET LAMP! ANNOUNCE THE FREAKIN' GUEST!"
HS: "Okey Dokey! Our next guest comes from the Who-knows-where-I-personally-don't-know-but-it-seems-to-be-some-kind-of-a-living-fiery-Hell-just-ike-Hong-Kong-Land or at least is what people says it is I thing fire is cool I mean I can cook marshmallows with it and I can burn things yeah I love to burn things one time I started a fire in a park and I killed 20 kids and a couple of squirrels then I felt bad so I gave the squirrels a proper funeral ceremony and stuff but it turned out to be a satanic one and Fleetway Super Sonic was the priest and we impaled a couple of Christians and ate there organs and that was awesome and we had fun all day and…"
SS: "Your fired!"
HS: "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! I want some marshmallows! Where is a park? Gotta go burn ta-na-na-na, gotta go burn ta-na-na-na…."
SS: "Eh… This reckless hyperactive kids today… Ehi, Fleetway Super Sonic, take his place!"
And "The Exorcist" theme starts playing for some reason…
FSS: "WHAHAHAHAHA! FEAR THE END FOOLISH MORTALS, FOR I, THE MESSENGER OF THE APOCALIPSE, SHALL ANNOUNCE TO YOU THE UNFORTUNATE SOUL WHO COMES FROM THE LAND OF THE ETERNAL FLAMES AND SORROW…. SILVER THE HEDGEHOG!!"
SS: "Thanks, Max Von Sy-Hog."
FSS: "YOU WILL DIE, MORTAL!"
SS: "Whatever…"
Suddenly, Silver the Hedgehog appears from nowhere and sits on a chair.
Si: "Ehi… Wait a minute, this is not the E3 convention! They told me that some fans wanted my autograph!"
SS: "Well… They lied! Welcome to my show Silver. I have some questions for you!"
Si: "Wanna know my origins? Of how I got my telekinesis, who my parents were and my reasons for fighting the world's evil?"
SS: "Are you gay?"
Si: "WHAT!?"
SS: "I'll take it as a 'maybe'. Next question: Are you a transsexual?"
Si: "WHAT KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT!?"
SS: "I'll take this as a 'damn right I am'. Next: are you related with Frank 'n' Further?"
Si: "Frank and Fuckin' who!?"
SS: "Of course you are… Did you ever go in a gay bar dressed like a Madonna fashioned Drag Queen with the name of Silvana?"
Si: "…… I-I needed money. AND I WASN'T MADONNA FASHIONED!"
SS: "Interesting… Now the fans have one more reason to want your death, but anyway, let's change subject, shall we?"
Si: "Thank God."
SS: "Silver the Hedgehog, you have to be the single most unoriginal character EVER made! I mean, seriously, you're some kind of a super powerful being with some kind of great responsibilities and the moronic personality of a messed up orange juiced douche bag! Just like the stupid Spiderman!"
Si: "I… Don't quite follow you."
SS: "Somehow, I'm not surprised. And what about those little time travels of yours? You came to the past for preventing some horrible cluster fuck to happening in the future… Just like Trunks! And let's face it… Nobody likes Trunks! He is just a super retarded version of Marty McFly with a stupid Legend of Zelda kinda sword!"
Silver is about to cry like a little school girl on a supposed-to-be romantic date gone deadly wrong…
Si: "But I thought I was cool!"
SS: "Let's put it in this way… Silvana the Queen hog (that's a good one): all and all you look like an hedgehog version of a cheap Final Fantasy Character…. A gay one."
Si: "THAT'S IT! I'VE RECOGNIZED YOU! YOU ARE THE IBLIS TRIGGER! You are the embodiment of all the world's Evil!"
SS: "Why, thanks! People always tell me that I am more evil than Simon Cowell!"
Si: "For the future of the world, I will destroy you!"
Here we go with the cheap lines.
SS: "SECURITY!"
A bouncer like dressed up were hog comes out from nowhere… And it looks angry… Or hungry. I don't know. Wanna ask him?
Sonic Unleashed: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…"
Si: "Errrrrrrrrrrrr….. Sit, boy?"
SU:"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLL!!"
Si: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I WANT MY HELLO KITTY DOLL!"
Somewhere… A certain purple female princess cat warrior (guess who) has suddenly frozen in place. And she had fire in her veins, too!
SS: "Well I'll be… It seems that our eeeeerrrrrr "mascot" hog did find a friend to play for a few hours. We move on now. Sing us some tunes, Dark Super Sonic!"
The room went dark except for a single light… Under it lies the overall-dark-and-sad-as-always figure of Dark Super Sonic.
DSS: "Some pitiful people asked me to sing something pop and lighthearted… I responded them that this so called music is the perpetrator of the imagine of conformity and fake happiness that overwhelmed our sick world and the average guy who usually listen this music is secretely wishing for his own suffering death… And than they swore they would never ask me a music request or anything as long as they could live (which is not gonna be so much in my opinion), so, I decided to sing this piece of real music just for giving you a true taste of this world's sadness. It's title is: 'My chilidog full of sorrow'. I don't care if you will like it or not…"
SS: "You know what? Forget it, Donnie Darko!"
DSS: "Donnie Darko? Please… Even I am not THAT depressing."
SS: "Mmmh, good point. Let's meet our next guest, shall we?"
The demonic voice of Fleetway Super Sonic speaks again.
FSS: "THE NEXT GUEST IS A CREATURE OF PURE EVIL, JUST LIKE ME! IT'S THE DEVIL'S FAVOURITE PET AND IT'S FURY WILL UNLEASH DESPAIR TO ALL WHO DARES TO BREATH! IT'S AN UNMATCHED MONSTRUOSITY THAT WILL BRING DEATH AND ETERNAL TORMENT TO THE WORLD! IT'S………. A CHAO!!"
SS: "A… Chao. One of those little idiotic puffballs of cheesy cuteness? The dumbass Pokemòn's ancestors? That kind of Chao?"
FSS: "FOOLISH MORTAL! DON'T YOU REALIZED IT? THAT THING IT'S TOO CUTE FOR NOT BEING A DEVIL'S SPAWN! I SHALL CREATE MY OWN ARMY OF EVIL CHAOS AND DESTROY THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! ALL YOUR SOULS BELONG TO US!! HA HA HA HA!"
SS: "Whatever… You're fired!"
A little chao appears on the chair.
Chao: "Chao, chao chao chao, chao!"
SS: "…. What? Are you saying how cool and awesome I look? Thanks, I know."
C: "Chao, chao, chao chao chao…"
SS: "………"
C: "Chao chao chao chao…"
SS: "…This is awkward."
C: "CHAO CHAO!!"
BANG!
SS: "Thanks for shooting at it, Samuel L. Jackson!"
SLJ: "I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' CHAOS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLACE!"
SS: "We all do. But now we need a new guest! Luckily, I had a backup guest (as always). He is the guy that every girl would love to present to their parents… No, it's not Marilyn Manson…. It's the Ultimate Life Form, Shadow the Hedgehog!"
The "I Am (All of Me)" song plays and Shadow appears… You know the drill.
STH: "Where… Where am I? What is this place? And… Where is that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald!?"
Yep. Cheesy lines indeed.
SS: "Shadow, why are you so emo?"
STH: "I am not emo! People always thinks that but the fact is that I am just a guy who has a lot of deep thoughts, that's all!"
SS: "Suuuuuuuuuuuuure you are! Lemme ask you this. You are indeed the Ultimate Life Form, right?"
STH: "Right."
SS: "You got super speed, strength, cheap Chaos powers of whatever, a super form and all that jazz…"
STH: "Yes…"
SS: "And when you get pissed off you have this Chaos Blast thingy all kill everyone in sight…"
STH: "Point being?"
SS: "If you are a super powerful killing machine…. Why the hell do you need weapons!?"
STH: "I just like killing people with 'em."
SS: "Oh… And why do you drive vehicles?"
STH: "Ever plaid Grand Theft Auto?"
SS: "I see… Let's change the topic. The main reason of you emoness!"
STH: "I already told that I am not emo!"
SS: "Ok, don't chaos spear my ass for that… Gee, that sounded horribly yaoy/slash like! Let's forget about it, Mr Ultimate Lame Form. Let's talk about this girl…"
SS shows STH a picture of…
STH: "MARIA!!"
SS looks a little baffled and puts the picture away… Only to shows it again!
STH: "MARIA!!"
SS puts the photo away and than shows it again.
STH: "MARIA!!"
SS: "Ehi… This is kind of funny!"
And goes on and on for several minutes.
SS: "Ok, this got old fast. Enough for now."
Than Hyper Sonic arrives from nowhere and shows Shadow that picture again.
STH: "MARIA!!"
HS: "Eheheheheheheheeh that's funny!"
And goes on and on and on…
SS: "Hyper Neon Freak! Stop it immediately! I'm the only one who can torture my guests! You won't have your sugar rush this hour!"
HS:"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
SS: "All right, all right. Guess what? It's coffee break!"
HS: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, COFFEE BREAK! Gotta get coffee ta-na-na-na, gotta get coffee ta-na-na-na…"
A very confuse-as-always Shadow comes back from his average cliché trance.
STH: "What Happened, why I can't remember anything and… Who is this Maria?"
Cheesy lines festival.
SS: "Well, it seems that mister 'I Am (Full of Me)' has problem with his memories like d.r Eggman has problem finding his under belly!"
KA-ZING!
SS: "Ok, next question… Did you enjoyed the… Physical deception and demise of your pitiful victims?"
STH: "What the heck of question is that?"
SS: "I don't know, it's written here. Let's just ignore it. Next: did you ever… Ate people alive!? Who the fucked up jerk bag wrote this!?"
STH: "That's disgusting!"
SS: "What the squirrelshit? 'Ever thought about unleashing the fiery hordes of Hell?' Ooooh, I got it now. FLEETWAY!!"
Fleetway Super Sonic arrives from under the inflamed basement with a satanic laugh… And all that jazz.
FSS: "WHAHAHAHAHA!! SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG! THE ULTIMATE WAR MACHINE BORN FOR THE ONLY PURPOSE OF DESTRUCTION AND TO BRING SORROW AND DEATH TO ALL WHO DARES TO STAND IN THE WAY!"
STH: "Somebody… Call me like that."
FSS: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN MY EVIL HORDES AND REDUCE THIS PATHETIC PLANET INTO DEBRITS OF POWDER!?"
STH: "Depends… What do you offer in exchange?"
FSS: "ALL THE WOMEN THAT YOUR EYES CAN STAND! ……… AND FANCY CHICKEN SHAPED VACOOM GUNS!!"
STH: "….. I'll think about it."
FSS: "GOOD! FOR NOW WE SHALL SEPARATE BUT WE WILL MEET AGAIN! JUDGEMENT DAY IS UPON US! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
And disappears in the flames.
STH: "What a nice guy. It kinda remind me of my father."
SS: "The evil alien overlord who offered his blood for creating you in order to ensure himself your services and the total annihilation of mankind but than it was ironically destroyed by you in a overseen super flying DBZ battle?"
STH: "Yeeeaah… That was a good father-son moment and… Why that guy is staring at me?"
Shadow points at Dark Super Sonic.
DSS: "When you, emo people, are gonna understand that constantly playing the victim's role and cutting your arms will not free you from your inner sorrows?"
STH: "FOR THE UMPTENTH TIME! I AM NOT A FUCKING EMO!!"
Shadow points a ridiculously large Bazooka to DSS.
DSS: "This will not make you feel better…"
STH: "Oh yes, it will!"
Shadow shots the missile in the direction of DSS… But the missile got depressed and explode itself before touching DDS.
STH: "Dude… You must be the most negative person in the universe, cheer it up! Life is not that bad! Try a smile!"
SS: "Wow… I would never even dared to dream to, one day, see an emo trying to cheering up a dark. Now I've seen all!"
STH: "I'M NOT A… Oh fuck this, I'm getting the hell outta here! CHAAAAOOOS COOONNNTROOOL!!"
SS: "Well, I guess it's time for our sponsor. You will be in my uber cool presence, after these messages. Man… I'm so fucking sexy!"
The commercial plays.
Dark Spine Sonic: "Hello. My name is Dark Spine Sonic and I was an Arabian terrorist who wanted to kill all the American pigs. Now, thanks to the Army, I am an Arabian terrorist who wants to kill all the American pigs with FUCKING GOOD BOMBS! The Army has changed my life for good! So, what are you waiting for? The invasion of Iran? Buy your weapons from the Army now and you will have FUCKING GOOD BOMBS in cheap price! Even you will be able to say: DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!"
The commercial ends. Shadow reappears.
STH: "I almost forgot… SHUT UP, FAKER!"
Cheesy lines Apocalypse.