"Derek broke up with me today." Was all Meredith could think miserably as she sat in the chair in her bedroom, looking at the digital clock on her side of the bed, casting an eery red glow on the empty room. It was 11.58. Only two more minutes of the day that to date, could have been the most devastating of her life. At five am this morning- she had hope- hope that Derek would really pick her, choose her, love her. That he would want to share the last piece of cheesecake with her. But… Bonnie died, and so did their love story. Eleven years of marriage with a wife that cheated on him with his best friend trumped the prefect last two months with her. And that felt like a metaphorical pole through her body.
"Take it on faith." He had told her at the trailer. Take the rest of it on faith, learn as we go along- he made it sound as if he was thinking long term. As if they would have months together- and they only had a few days. She trusted him, and that faith was misplaced. Tomorrow was another day, that's what she had to tell herself. Except it was another day alone. A day where the muesli sitting in a cupboard in her kitchen would remain untouched, and the toothbrush he left in her holder on the counter would remain unused. The day would come and go, but she still felt as if she was stopped. Like someone was watching her life like a TV show, and just pressed the pause button, and didn't tell her when they were pressing play again. Was this the end of her love story with Derek?
She waited for him at Joe's. She had sat there for longer than was respectful to herself…she was shamelessly waiting and waiting…and deep down she knew that if they hadn't got that trauma page, she would have still been sitting there- unless Joe had kicked her out. It was better not knowing, it was better being in the dark, and still having that glimmer of hope that things would be ok, that Derek would turn up at the bar with his signature scrawled on the divorce papers, and her life with him could begin.
They had eleven birthdays, christmases, eleven years together. As if that was a good enough reason. A wife who didn't think much of the marriage to cheat on him. On his favourite sheets. Maybe he had a thing for sheets as well as ferryboats, he always smiled a little when she had the red sheets on her bed. A tear escaped the corner of her eye as she realised that she actually had those red sheets on her bed at the moment- she had put them on when they were supposed to have that date where they were going to make rules. Wine always got her drunk, especially red wine, and she had fully intended on celebrating the making of some rules by…well, breaking some in the bedroom. But now it was all hypothetical, and all useless. There was no Derek to make rules with anymore. She wished that Bailey hadn't forced her to go home at the end of that marathon shift from hell- those crimson coloured bedsheets mocked her.
Hope- there wasn't any of that anymore. There was no hope that he would come back to her, that he made a mistake with Addison, that he wanted to be with her. Why would he give up eleven years of a mostly decent marriage for some flighty intern whom he had known for only two months. They were still in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship, where everything seemed to be brighter and better than it really was. At least he knew what he was getting with Addison. Two months and great sex was no match for eleven years and being a family.
Addison was perfect. She came into work with perfectly coiffed hair, she had shoes that were more expensive than Meredith's entire closet, and she looked good in scrubs. No-one looked good in scrubs. Of course she wasn't enough. Meredith was just… Meredith. She was lucky if she had brushed her hair before she put it in a ponytail, she was fortunate if her scrub pants didn't threaten to fall off her slim waist, she was just the silly rebound girl, the anti-Addison.
A lot had happened in the last twenty three hours and…fifty nine minutes. Tomorrow was another day that brought even more heartache- she'd see 'The Shepherds' a functioning married couple, and she'd be the freak show. The news would spread through the hospital like wildfire, and she'd be like an exhibit at the zoo. She wasn't chosen. She's a whore. She's stupid for not knowing she's married, and the more Meredith thought about these things, the more she convinced herself it was true. She wracked her brain, tried recalling every moment of the last two blissful months trying to recall any moment where Derek hinted that he was estranged from his wife, that he was anything other than single, but she couldn't.
And then she got angry. Angry that she let him convince her to do this. She had compromised herself. She had told him no so many times, and he came back dreamier. There was no hint of the 'McDreamy' now. That was a misnomer. The sarcastic tone in which Cristina had said it the day Meredith was carrying round a severed penis in a cooler was the right one to use. Meredith wished that Derek's penis was severed right now. She was the intern screwing the married attending- she was the adulterous whore. She was even more damaged goods than she was before. Meredith had tried to overcome so many fears, gone against her need for distance to be with Derek and he knocked it all down.
Meredith cringed when she realised that she had admitted to herself- and him that she loved him for the first time in that speech she gave- that desperate little speech that came from her heart which was such a true Meredith moment. She had told him she loved him and it wasn't enough. Love wasn't enough. But if love wasn't enough, what was? She couldn't have offered him anymore than the commitment and love she was giving him. Meredith wished her mother was lucid. She laughed ruefully when she realised how messed up that was- she was wishing that she had that inflammatory relationship with her mother again where Ellis told her how ridiculous this was- what a stupid situation she had gotten herself into- how she should suck it up and move on. She had never seen a functioning relationship with a man from her mother- her mother had been married to her work. Maybe that's where Meredith was going wrong, she didn't know how to do any of this, and Addison did.
She had been hit by a metaphorical train. What was reality? Did the last eight weeks with Derek happen, or was she just imagining that his happened? Or was this a dream? Would she wake up and realise that her brain was just acting out her worst possible scenario? Derek was her glue. It felt like up till now he was holding her together. He was the only person she told that her mother wasn't with the UN, but was in a home. He had betrayed her so badly, made her think she was it for him. This is why Meredith didn't get close enough to any man to love someone- because it was always the people you love that knew how to hurt you the most. Sobs came from nowhere and wracked her body as her head pounded. She was crying because she was alone again- because she wasn't enough for him- that she let out Ellis's secret that wasn't hers to tell.
He didn't even tell her he chose his wife. He just made her guess. Everytime she had looked into his eyes, she had seen something that she mistook for love, she had faith that he had ended it, and hope that they could move on. But he didn't talk, he just sighed, shifted his weight uneasily from one foot to the other, and she knew him well enough by now- had studied him for long enough to know he was avoiding telling her something she prayed she would never have to hear.
"You're staying with her." She stated, her voice thick with abject realisation, willing that he would contradict her.
The contradiction never came.
"She's my wife." He gave as an explanation. As if that was everything Meredith needed to know. On some level it did explain everything. He had made a commitment to Addison, and he had to honour that. But he had made an unspoken commitment to Meredith too. He was ready to make rules with her, to be her real boyfriend, something permanent.
For the first time ever, Meredith had truly believed that those love stories could come true for her. That she could find the one, that she had a prince charming. But instead of the fairy tale with the happy ending, her life was like one of those never ending soap operas that dished out drama upon drama, crapping on the lead actress. She would never have her happy ending- and if she did have one- it wouldn't last long. That's just the way it was. She wasn't cast as Cinderella this time.
Meredith's teary eyes were transfixed on the red lettering on the alarm clock. 12:00. It was a whole new day, the next day of the rest of her life. Derek was now her past.
Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.
Except this time, love wasn't enough.
If
love was enough If
love was enough
I'd wrap it around you
If love was
enough
Maybe you'd stay
I still remember
If love was
enough
And you let it surround you
No it's never enough
I'd wrap it all around you
If love was
enough
Maybe you'd stay
You'd still be here with me
If
love was enough
It would always surround you
If love was enough
for you.
Graham Colton- If love was enough.