What the hell...
Is she for real...
Oh God. I think she is, my good Watson. I think she is...
Wake up 2012! The "Little Orphan Annie" look is back!...
"Hey Tanya, LOOK!" I said as I smacked her chest spastically. "Fire-crotch Annie-head at 2 o'clock. By the blue building"
A half chewed glob of mayo'd up lettuce, tomato, onion, bun, and veggie burger flew from Tanya's mouth as she looked up and the monstrous carrot-disco-globe of hair came into her line of sight.
A very enthusiastic "WHAT THE FUCK!" managed to escape through her lips despite the choking and sputtering and her guffaws "Dude. So not cool to point that out when food's being poor thing looks like her head was dipped in 100 proof carotene and stamped with the Boogie Night's seal of approval"
So, so, true.
"Sorry, my sweet friend but I couldn't let you miss it. I am totally unrepentant. You don't see many young caucasian women with bright red, pubic-hair textured, giant-ass afros that often. It was well worth the projectile oral debris you sent my way just now."
Tanya just snickered " I am Oh-So-Glad you feel that way."
Moments passed as we each turned back to eating our burgers and let the California sun hit our skin until Tanya spoke again.
"Isn't Venice beach awesome, Bell? We never fail to get a good laugh when we come here."
I couldn't help but chuckle again when I noticed "Annie" heading in our direction. I tried not to stare.
Really.
I did.
ok, fine, I didn't.
You try to avoid looking at a red glowing orb of fluff as it approaches you.
I swear I am not some pretentious bitch. Really. I just love to people watch.
Everyone does it whether they admit to it or not. Sometimes a person may walk by you and something about their dress or style strikes you as absurd and your first thought is "What the fuck?". It's not that you are trying to be mean or even critical but we can't always help what observations we find to be naturally really funny. When we laugh on instinct we are acting out of honesty, right?. Our senses of humor are inherent so when our first reaction to something is laughter; it is not done out of judgement or malice but rather, innocence and shock.
Take for example my experience earlier today with Venice Beach's resident chubby lime-green Go Go boot wearing, hooker who is always walking up and down Venice in control top panty hose with her panty-less ass hanging out of her too short dress.
I didn't expect my eyes to bug out and a brief bark-like laugh to escape me at the sight of said hosed "ass" this morning. It just happened. Just like I didn't expect to hide behind the closest pillar of the nearest building when said hooker's pimp told me to "Fuck off" for said eyes bugging out. I'm not judging. For all I know "Hookin' it" is her only way of making money. It was just an honest impulse reaction on my part. No malice involved.
It's not like I hang around Go Go boot studded hookers everyday, okay.
And lime-green is a VERY shocking color.
Meh.
It happens.
Cut me some slack.
We are all guilty of fashion mistakes and having avoidable falls in public. I am positive that many people have both observed and laughed at my klutzy ass and I am totally ok with it.
Wanna know why?
Because we all need to laugh every once in a while and if we can't laugh at ourselves or what we see around us then we all might as well wear signs above our asses that say "Insert stick up here".
"Tanya, you gotta love the endless entertainment that the strolling freak-show provides. You know I mean that in the best way possible. I love these people."
Tanya nodded her agreement "So when is Edward arriving with his sister? He said 1:00 right? What is it now, like 12:50? You nervous at all about meeting her? Getting the big sis's approval may make or break. What say you madam?"
" "What say you, Madam?" ? Really, Tanya? Are we hitting up the historical erotica again?"
"ShutTheFuckUp. It's good reading and you know it."
Right...
"Whatever you say, Cookie. And no, I'm not really worried. Edward and I are solid."
Uunffff!
"Ow Fucker! What the fuck did you just tit punch me for?" I wanted to punch Tanya right back in her double D's twice as hard as she got me but when I looked at her, her eyes were zeroed in on something in the distance.
"Dare me."
What. The. fuck...
Ohhh...The tit punch was to get my attention...Well, turnabout is fair play I guess.
"Dare you to what? You freaking tit-slapper. I hate you now. Just so you know you have been excommunicated from my friend zone." Damned hot dog, she is.
"She is almost here! DARE ME!"
"No."
"DO it!"
"NO!"
"Please?"
"I don't want to on principle just because you tit punched me! See what happens? You punch my tits and you get bamboozled, bitch!"
BAM! Denied!
"She's within 20 feet! Fuck it. I don't need you. I'm doin' it."
I caught sight of Tanya's target just as she leaned forward and her mouth opened to speak.
Oh shit. Torch head's in trouble.
"DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE FIRE DRAPES!"
AND...Here is where 3 things happen at once.
ONE.
My best friend who just publicly embarrassed a random stranger directs her best "I can't believe you just said that" face in MY direction after her little verbal outburst making me look like the guilty party.
Tanya is an ornery bitch. But I love her. After this? Maybe not so much.
TWO.
My phone rings alerting me to a call from the love of my life and I answer.
"Hey Sweet Cheeks, are you almost here?"
"Yeah Love, we're here but parking is a shit-fest so I dropped off Victoria about five minutes ago so she could meet you at the grass by the burger shop. Is that cool? I'm still looking for a spot."
"You know that's fine, handsome. Does she know what I look like?"
"Yes ma'am! I do believe I just showed her my lovely phone screensaver." I could hear the smile in his voice which caused a huge one of my own. Good God how this man owned my ass.
"Awesome. What is she wearing so I know what to look for?"
"Oh. Fuck, ummm...Oh! She had on a Simon and Garfunkel T-shirt. Grey, I think."
"Ok, Babe. I'll keep an eye out. See you when you get here. Good luck finding a spot and I love you!"
"Love you too, Beautiful."
Aaaaannnnnnnd THREE.
I hung up the phone and heard a throat clear. Thinking it was Tanya, I turned to my right only to see her grimacing toward the space in front of me while she sat contrite and stiff as a board.
The throat cleared again and I look up face to face with none other than Fire-Crotch Annie-head.
Who just so happens to be wearing a light grey Simon and Garfunkel shirt.
Holy
shit
fuck
balls of fire.
I am going to tear Tanya to shreds with tweezers and feed her to rabid Chihuahuas one morsel at a time for this.
" Hi Bella, I'm Vicky. And yes, the carpet does match. But you should have already known that what with Edward and I being related and all."
KILL ME NOW.
PLEASE?