Better Than You

When I was younger I would always be forced to look up into those green eyes, with a sick feeling in my stomach, with a determined look and a shamed hand. Mother would fret over the bruises on my arms and scraps on my knees every night. She'd pick the splinters out of my fingers and tsk about how reckless I was and how I should and shouldn't do things.

But that didn't stop me.

I'd pick up my little wooden sword and start again. I always hoped you wouldn't find out about my short comings when I sparred against the others, but somehow you always seemed to know. You'd give that smile and that gesture that made me feel small. Ruff my hair like I was just a child. Well... we WERE young back then, but... you were always so mature.

I'd sit in my room for a while and pout, trying to think of some way to get as good as you. Something I could do soon before you'd notice I was at the limits of giving up. I'd rack my brain and drive myself crazy with trying too hard.

And then, when she came, I had to try even harder. You tried harder too and made a fool out of me. But you'd laugh the same way and act as if I was nothing. As if I were just another fly on the wall.

I would grow so frustrated that I would beat Selphie, the weakest of us all, adding in a few hits after she called it quits and acted as if I didn't hear her. That ended when I got a crude punishment of dishes and bedroom walls for weeks until I was forced to apologize.

And, of course, you laughed at me for that too. Chiding me about being cruel to others. I wanted to shout out against you, to show you how you were cruel to me, but I didn't. I just boiled in silent contempt.

I hated you.

I hated the way others looked up to you and how you absorbed their comments with such arrogance. I hated the way my mother would shower me with things and pre-made dreams just to make me feel better. I hated the way the adhesive teddy bears stared up at me from my scrapped knees with their beady black eyes. I had the feeling they were all on your side.

And I hated you.

But I had you, maybe that's why I came to...

I might not be better than you, but you stayed close to me anyway. You teased me and treated me like a child, but you were still my friend. Nobody else on the island was as close to you as I was. And I was proud of that, at least. I might be a loser, but I was in ranks with the greatest winner of all.

Either I was riding on your coat tails to fame or parading you around like Wakka and his baseball trophy, I couldn't tell you which. But that was how I turned my shame into starlight. And you grinned like you never noticed when I stumbled in your footsteps.

I had always wanted to be like you, so I still tried, covering up my failures with pride of being your friend. Pride to cover my shame. But I silently swore that someday, when you didn't even expect it, I was going to be better than you.

Then our world expanded. Well our world was destroyed, but our ability for travel expanded. The number of people we met expanded.

And you were turned the other way.

The keyblade gave me a special advantage, though. I felt like I was cheating in a way, that it was just the sword's power and not mine. It made me mad that I had received a weapon that wouldn't help me to be better than you, granted that it had saved my life. My skills couldn't have saved anyone. Not like yours could. I still wonder why it chose me instead of you, with your strength. Maybe it took pity on me, following you around like a duckling and admiring your every breath.

When we met up in traverse town like that, you mentioned that I had pushed you. Really, you give me more credit that I deserve.

And in Monstro too. You sounded upset that I wouldn't 'play' because I was too busy with my keyblade or whatever. You sounded... like me. Afraid that your friend had risen above you and would discard you for a better crowd.

But you never did that to me. Or maybe you had, I couldn't tell.

Given the earlier account, you could only imagine the flood that came when my own two friends, the ones I never had to share with you and never saw what a loser I was compared to you, left my side to join yours. You had taken my blade, you had taken the only friends who valued me as strong, as better, and looked up to me. You had taken Kairi and, it seemed, all worlds were in awe of you, laughing at my weakness.

I had the feeling they were all on your side. I would never be that great. I felt like such a fool for ever trying. If there was a home, I would have loved to curl up in my bed and sob, covering myself with blankets and pillows to hide under.

But I couldn't.

This was it, my last chance to try. My last chance to be better than you. If I backed down now, I would never make it.

And, I guess, muscle memory is made out of more than fiction. Without the keyblade, I kept my skills. The sliver of a carved wooden sword wasn't nearly as strong, but I kept my abilities to duck, to dodge, the jump in for attack.

Then there came my moment to shine. It was so rewarding to see someone leave you to come to me. To be valued above you by even two people. I might not have defeated you alone, but at least I had won some sort of pride in myself.

Finally, I could see eye-to-eye with you. Finally I could taste success over you. But It was short lived, just like every other victory I've ever had. You were off playing Mr. Self-sacrifice with the king. Even though I knew I had made major sacrifices before, your 'heroism' made me feel small again. Your importance and everything about you.

You were the best.

But you had deemed me worthy of some honor, somehow. Saving me here and there. Acknowledging me as an equal. It was cruel and merciful at the same time.

Just like those green eyes of yours. And that smile too. You know the one. The one that said "you're so little, Sora" and "I'm glad you're here" at the same time.

I was working on this before I went on vacation. I couldn't figure out what to do next because I didn't want to skip CoM, but I've never played it... When I came back I re-read it to get the feel for what I was working on and found out that I like it ending here. If I ever play CoM, I might add more. 3 you all!

Genki- sorry I missed your call! I gave you a present before I left on Thursday... I hope you got it.