A Tale of Two Professors
and how One Writer Stole their Hearts
One Wizard, One Muggle. One lovely Maiden. It was the best of times—well, for the maiden anyway.
A/N: Deathly Hallow Spoilers!!! I wanted this to be a stupid little one-shot, but I got really into it (shows how conceited I am. Lol) and decided to make it a few more chapters. I suppose I should also say here that I'm half-expecting some seriously irritated reviews that indicate I have a poor sense of humor. I probably do, but I'm going to revel in it anyway. )
It was the best of times, and it was…well, still the best of times, for Ms. Jolie Fille anyway. In all honestly there were no bad times for her during the story, except maybe at the end, but it's honestly not too bad. Maybe a little sad for her, but by the time you finish this story, you won't like her much anyway and won't really feel sorry for her. And don't feel bad about not feeling sorry for her—she doesn't mind. She's not terribly upset by her loss anyway. Well, she is, but she'll get over it. Not that anyone should care about how she feels. She's not a very good person, and I'm here to tell you why.
Jolie Fille is a squib you see. American born and raised, so naturally, she has that relaxed air of impropriety that's especially intolerable at her age—twenty two. Not that any of this is reason to think ill of her. Americans are nice people, as are squibs and young ladies of questionable morals. The thing you have to understand though is that young Jolie was quite comfortable with her young, American, improper, squibbish self and still is, even after all the horrible things that happened. That's the key thing to remember. Is. Honestly, you'd think she'd feel a little humbled or ashamed of herself after the damage she did to those poor blokes. But being the conceited little broad that she is, she hasn't changed one bit. In fact, the publicizing of this story will probably only amuse her—even further relax that obnoxiously unperturbed air of hers.
No matter. I'm not writing this for her anyway. Of course you know that since the story is not called "A Tale of Jolie." No, this is a tale of two professors—two professors who fell in love with Jolie Fille, two professors who should not have fallen in love with her, but did so anyway because they were a bit lonely and thought they were the luckiest men in the world to have someone as young and charming as Jolie giving them attention. And I am here to the tale of these men, not to humiliate them for their stupidity or to get on the Daily Prophet Best Sellers list, but to end it with a nice moral for all of you to learn and take from. Like those little fables your parents read to you when you were a child, only this little fable is more interesting and its moral is definitely more important. After all, "slow and steady wins the race" is a pretty useless and somewhat untrue lesson that children learn from certain fables, because we all know that if a psycho person—whether it be a muggle with a knife or a wizard with a wand—were chasing after you and you couldn't disapparate, you don't want to be slow and steady while you run because you'll probably end up dead. Likewise, while lying about seeing wolves is a mean thing to do, it's rather obvious that lying is bad, and I think most people, even children, are intelligent enough to know that without being told a story about how a young boy who lied a lot got eaten by a wolf.
There are more important lessons to be learnt in life, like the ones Jolie Fille learned from her experiences with the two professors. What lessons did she learn? Well, I certainly can't tell you that right now because then you would just stop reading and put this book away, and I'd never make a sale and thus never make it to the Daily Prophet Best Seller list—not that that's important. If I told you now, the lesson would hold little value because you wouldn't know how the lesson was derived. It's important to know how we got there—see the proof for yourselves. So first let me show you the proof. Allow me to tell you the tale of these professors before I actually spell out the moral of the story, which I will eventually do for those readers who like to skim through stories to reach the end faster and end up missing all the important details and getting confused when the story ends with "And then she died" because they won't know who 'she' is and they won't understand why she died.
Don't worry though, that was just an example; Jolie Fille doesn't actually die in this story, and neither do the professors. Actually, one of them does die, but it has nothing to do with Jolie so it's not that important to the plot. I'll tell you all about it later though when it comes up.
You might be feeling a little irritated at this point because you think I've given the ending away by telling you that there was only one un-related death, and that there are morals to be learned, and that Jolie is alive and unremorseful. But no worries. There's more to the ending than that, and there's so much you don't know yet. Such as the professors. You don't know anything about them, except that one was a muggle and one was a wizard, if you looked properly at the title page anyway. If you didn't, well, you know now. One was a muggle and one was a wizard. And they were both professors. One of them still is, the other one isn't. If you're clever, you've already deduced that the one who died is no longer a professor. But before you congratulate yourself for having remarkable deductive skills, I might add here that his death and his not being a professor are in no way related to each other. He resigned from his teaching post a few years before his death, actually. Again, none of this is particularly important, but I wanted to give you some background information anyway.
The professor who is no longer a professor because he resigned, and then later died was the wizard who fell in love with Jolie. His name was Remus John Lupin. Many readers might already know the name if they attended Hogwarts during the year of his tenure. He was the defense against the dark arts professor, and a splendid one at that, until the end of the year when he resigned because everyone found out he was a werewolf.
The other professor whom this story revolves around, was a muggle professor. He still teaches actually, but I cannot say where. Ms. Fille got wind of my writing this story and expressively forbade me to mention his name or whereabouts, for his own protection and privacy. Why didn't she object to my mentioning her dear Professor Lupin's name? Well, for the simple fact that he is dead, and no one can stalk the dead. I suppose their graves can be bothered, but most people don't do it because it's disturbingly cruel and frowned upon in most societies. Additionally, Remus Lupin was a well-known werewolf in the wizarding world, though infamous might be a better word since he was a werewolf and many people in our society don't like werewolves. Nonetheless, even if a pseudonym were to be given for him, people reading this would be able to add two and two and realize who Jolie Fille's second, wizard lover was. Therefore, Professor Lupin will be spoken about openly though in a very respectful manner because he was a good man—albeit foolish to fall in love with a woman like Jolie—but a dear, wonderful person who saved himself from her clutches just in time, though only to meet a sad, abrupt, but very honorable end only a few short years later.
Our muggle hero, who from this point on will be called John Romulus, was not so lucky. Like Lupin, he did manage to escape the seductive prison that was Jolie Fille, but not unscathed. And also unlike Lupin, poor Romulus had much more to lose when he first touched Jolie in that fatally crucial moment when he should have pushed Jolie away and run out of his office screaming for Jessica. You see, while Professor Lupin was a poor, thirty four year old unattached bachelor, Professor Romulus was a wealthy, fifty year old married man with three children. Don't hate Professor Romulus too much though. While he is to be blamed a little, you can have no doubt who I believe deserves to bear the bulk of the responsibility.
Of course, to Jolie's credit, she didn't like that Professor Romulus was married with children and she didn't like the idea of jeopardizing the happiness of a family by breaking it with her improper, young ways. She was also a bit wary about his age as well, knowing that a man as old as he might not have the stamina to perform as impressively in—well, to be told, his office—as he did in the classroom. Of course, being the clever readers you are, you've probably concluded that Professor Romulus was quite spry and healthy for his age, and could indeed perform as satisfactorily in his office as he could anywhere else, because otherwise Jolie wouldn't have had an affair with him, which we know she did because the title of this story is "A Tale of Two Professors" and not "A Tale of One Professor."
In any case, while young Jolie was decent enough to worry about ruining Professor Romulus and his family's life while juggling his and Professor Lupin's hearts, she did not worry enough, because she went ahead and decided she'd risk ruining Professor Romulus and his family's life so she could have her jollies with him. I am happy to report though that she did not do nearly as much damage as she could have. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here. I'm sure many of you are wondering how an untalented, young, American squib like Jolie Fille fell into the paths of two attractive, older, British professors and managed to seduce them simultaneously. It's an excellent question to be sure.
Jolie Fille was American, but she moved to London at the age of eighteen when her father, a wizard, was transferred from his office at the Salem National Bank to Gringotts bank to supervise various new operations that the bank was undertaking. Jolie Fille's mother was a muggle, actually, and got a job teaching at a muggle university, the same one which Professor Romulus taught at. Mrs. Fille taught biology, a subject that Jolie hated and refused to study. She was more of an artistically liberal, creative person and a mathematical, rational person. Her interests were in literature, writing, and studying languages. It was her deepest to desire to learn as many languages—human and otherwise—as she could before she died. She was already fluent in Spanish, French, Italian, and Mermish (which her father had taught her), and she was eager to learn a new language at her new university. Being a squib of course, Jolie did not attend Hogwarts or any other magical school for her education and opted for muggle schools instead, though she did have extensive knowledge about the magical world, having one magical parent and having had read most of her father's library of books about the wizarding world. But I digress. Jolie loved languages and wanted to learn a new one at her new university. Though she was rather keen on learning the language of giants, she knew she was limited to languages spoken only by muggle humans, so she chose to study Latin. It was an ancient language, and the mother of some of the languages she already knew. And the university was building a strong program in Latin and classical studies, no doubt due to the then recent appointment of Professor John Romulus to the Chair of the department.
I suppose in all the excitement of telling this story, I forgot to mention that Professor Romulus taught Latin at Jolie's university. He was an excellent, well-liked professor too. So well-liked, in fact, that his promotion to Department Chair occurred only a few years after receiving tenure at the university. One could say that he was on top of his game at this time.