ok, this might totally suck,but this is me coming over the shock of
the wildfeed of Seeing Red
Definite spoilers, beware of them. And please let me know what you
think of it.

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Spoilers inside


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Title:Dear Diary(1/1)
Author:lore
Pairing: Buffy/Spike sort of
Rating:PG
Summary: Buffy's writing in her diary
Archive: just ask
Feedback:Pretty please



Dear diary

It's final, definitely, absolutely final.
No more bad boys for this girl, no more sexy dark seductive vampires.
No sirrey, not ever, ever again.

He tried to rape me!!!
He fricking well tried ... and I ...
Why didn't I stake him? Why didn't I just break his arms, every bone
in his body, every...
He kept saying that he loved me, that he was going to show me that I
loved him. He ...

And I didn't, couldn't stop him.
He touched me, and no matter how much I didn't want it, part of me
still wanted him.
The bad part. He's evil, dark, vampiric evil.
And yet I didn't kill him.
Maybe I should have let Xander do it, like he asked me. Maybe ...

He grabbed my ankle and I kicked him, threw him off and he looked at
me. There was fear there when he looked at me, not fear of what I
could do to him, but what he had done to me.

"I didn't..." he said.
But I didn't let him finish. I told him, told him that he'd only
stopped because I made him stop. I told him I could't love him
because I couldn't trust him.

What a lie that was.

Why does he touch me like that?
Not physical, yuck, no ... emotionally. Why do I let him touch me
like that, why do I let him do those things to my heart. I should
know better by now. He's just a vampire, a soulless creature of the
night, incapable of good.
Yet ...

He's evil.

He has to be, or I ...
I want to hate him, really I do.
But I'm sorry, I just can't.
Not even now, when I should trust him the least.

He slept with Anya, the cheap ...
No I can't be angry with her for that, or with him for that matter.
I did after all tell him to move on, to get over me. So why does it
hurt me so much to finally see him take that thought into action.
And Anya ... she was so hurt, devastated.
And now she knows the wonder that is Spike, intimately. Way to
intimately. I shouldn't be angry with her for that. Hell I'm the one
who kept Spike a secret. She couldn't know ...

He ... There was so much desperate clinging to hope in his eyes, in
his voice and then he ...
I want to feel sickened by his touch, but I can't.
Not even now.

I don't want him anymore, except, that I do.
And it's sick.
No more bad boys, hear that world.
Buffy is finally saying no to the bad boys.
No more vampires for this slayer.

So tell me, why didn't I just burn his coat. He left it behind. I
should be burning it instead of wearing it as I sit before this
small bit of fire in the trashcan.
I'm sorry diary, but I can't let you fall in the wrong hands.
I'm going to burn you up.

God Spike.
I can't trust you, and I can't trust myself, so ...





"It's better to burn out than to fade away."
The Kurgan

"I may be loves bitch but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
Spike (Lovers walk)