Obscurity
by: raileht
Summary: Will said go home.
Disclaimer: The ones you don't know are mine, the ones you do aren't.
Rating: T, to be safe
Pairing: Diane/Kurt (McHart) and Diane/Will friendship
Warning: just my usual brand of crap.
Note: for Red and Ellie—because I got them hooked on the stuff.
Warning: out of character is the name of the game.
Song used:
Lady Antebellum, Need You Now
-o0o0o0o-
"Hey."
Diane Lockhart looked up, her eyes widening slightly in the dim light of her office as she found Will Gardner standing by her doors, his coat draped on one arm while he carried his suitcase. She smiled at him a little, the tips of her fingers tracing the rim of her wineglass while on the other hand, her fingers held on to a pen, poised to finish the rest of her notes, "Heading home?"
He nodded, "Yeah, just heading out actually…what about you?"
She glanced at the paper in front of her then shook her head, "Have a few things to finish, but I'll head out soon."
"It's kinda late," he said, glancing at his watch, "It's midnight."
"I know," she nodded, smiling lazily. "I think we got a little carried away celebrating a while ago…I forgot to read the brief for the Clayton case."
He grinned a little, "I think we were due for some celebration."
"Yes, we were," she nodded, "It was a good fight."
They smiled at each other, the effects of winning their biggest battle yet still lingering in the air and they couldn't help but drink in the high it brought. They'd gone back to work after celebrating in the privacy of her office, but they cut it short not too long after it had begun. With smiles on their faces and resisting the urge to dance through the halls, they went back to work, smiling to themselves now and again.
"It was a better win," he grinned then tilted his head to the side. "Why don't you go home? I'm sure you have some…celebrating to do."
Diane couldn't help the smile that broke on her face, "Don't youhave some celebrating to do?"
He couldn't hide the obvious glee her words brought him, "Uh, yeah…Tammy's got something planned. She said she'd kill me if I went home before midnight."
She smirked, "Sounds serious…"
"We're trying," he shrugged, shifting from one foot to another, "What about…?"
Diane shook her head slightly, giving him a look and Will knew that look well enough to know it meant he wasn't getting anything out of her.
He smiled, nodding slowly to show he understood, "Okay then…I'll head out."
"Okay," she nodded. "Have fun celebrating."
Will chuckled, "Yeah, but it really is late…you should go home," he smiled, "If anyone deserves a good night's sleep, it's you."
"I think we both deserve that," she said, raising her glass to him before taking a sip of her red wine. "Not that you'll be doing much sleeping…"
Will couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips, "Yeah, well…"
She smiled, "Goodnight, Will."
"Goodnight, Diane," he smiled then pointed a finger at her, "You—go home, okay?"
Diane chuckled, "Okay."
He gave her one last smile then he was gone, leaving her to finish her drink and her notes on the Clayton case. Everything was silent in her office, save for the sounds of her pen scratching against the paper as she wrote.
Outside, snow began to fall as the clock ticked on.
-o0o-
By the time she finished, she looked up, her eyes taking in the sudden frost that had coated her windows. The temperature outside had dropped, but she hadn't noticed it as the thermostat in her office adjusted itself to keep the temperature it had been originally set on. She glanced at her watch, surprised to find that an hour had gone by without her noticing.
Diane had been so caught up with her writing, a whole hour had gone by and she was sure by the time she got out, Chicago would be once again covered in the white. She ran her hand through her hair, shaking her head slightly at herself. A whole hour had gone by since Will had left, how could she not notice?
He had told her to go home and she had said she would. She hadn't lied when she'd said it and had, in fact, intended to leave ten minutes later, but apparently, that had been a mistake. She sighed, wondering why she had let this happen. She did need sleep.
God knew she hadn't been getting enough of it the last few weeks.
Cursing herself slightly, she pushed back from her desk, ignoring the notes she had just finished and the files that came with it. She grabbed her wine glass, putting it where she knew her assistant would pick it up in the morning to clean. She hated leaving things like that for Annie, but she was too tired and suddenly too frustrated to be polite.
Diane grabbed her coat and her purse, swiping her phone from her desk as she headed out the door, uncaring about the light she had left on and the papers she'd left on her desk. She wasn't in the mood to do what she usually did or to do what was proper. For some reason, she was suddenly upset on a night when she knew she should be drunk with happiness and it just furthered her frustration.
Her heels clicked on in the night as she slipped her arms through her coat, leaving the doors of her office wide open. She should care, but she didn't. Why? She didn't know.
Diane was upset, she just didn't know why.
-o0o-
She sat in her car, the gentle hum of the idle car filling the silence as she sat there, wondering exactly why she couldn't seem to bring herself to pull out of her parking space. The heaters were working, but not fast enough for her as she sat there, still wrapped in her coat and her hands clad in leather.
Diane had one hand on the wheel and the tips of the fingers of the other pressed against her temple, elbow resting against the armrest of the door beside her. She wantedto go home and crawl into bed and in the cold, she was even tempted to just sleep in the next day and call Will to let him know she was going to be late—not that she would really do it, but it was a nice thought.
But for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to drive home. She didn't know why, but even as she thought she wanted to, she found that she couldn't. She cursed at herself again, wondering why she was so conflicted about something so insipid. Why was she even questioning going home and sleeping? It was so basic, what the hell was the matter with her?
Go home.
Will had said that, hadn't he? And she agreed because, well, it was what one would do after work, right? Go home, eat, crawl into bed and sleep. These days, dreaming was optional to Diane, but she didn't care. She didn't like dreaming anyway because it just left her a little confused in the morning. She didn't like dreams, didn't care if they meant anything or whatever—her life was complicated with cases enough to bother about hidden meanings in her own mind.
She was tired, she had drunk a little bit of wine and downed a few glasses of scotch with Will that day. Not to mention the fact that she'd spent most of the day on edge frazzled and basically gambling the career she'd spent all of her adult life working on. She was amazed she hadn't gotten an ulcer from all the stress she'd been on lately. She wanted nothing more than to sleep away the bad memories and keep the happy ones to revisit later, so why couldn't she make herself pull out?
For a moment, Diane wondered with more than a tingle of horror if she was having some sort of stroke. An extremely slow one that was making her mind deteriorate without even her knowing it.
But was that even possible? As far as she knew, she still knew how to drive, where her home was and where she was. The problem wasn't her brain, not really, because she just couldn't figure out what exactly she wanted. Well, actually, she knew what she wanted, the real problem was that something she didn't know just kept holding her back.
Diane wanted to slap herself.
-o0o-
Minutes passed and she was still there in her car and she was sure, any minute now, the night guard was going to pass by for his rounds. He'd seen her earlier and informed her of the weather and she had thanked him and waved goodbye. He'd seen her get to her car, as was his job, and she was sure he had to at least be wondering why she was still there.
If he was, Diane couldn't blame him because, hell, she was too.
Drumming her fingers against the wheel of her car, she shook her head. Something was nagging at her and somehow, she knew what it was and had known what it was for a while now, but she'd just been steadily ignoring it. At first she had chalked it off to the stress of the fight in the office, but with that over and Derrick Bond was out of the picture, she still felt the same turmoil she knew now she'd just been kidding herself as one of the black hole feelings she was getting about her precarious situation at work.
Swallowing slightly and biting her bottom lip, Diane pulled out her phone and began to dial.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
'…leave a message and I'll call you—'
Diane shook her head, cutting off the recorded message and tossing her phone aside. She should have known she'd get voicemail, she thought somewhat bitterly, more tempted now than ever to physically slap herself then realized just how insane she was sounding, even to herself in her head. She sighed, covering her face with one hand as she willed herself to take deep breaths.
What was she doing?
She didn't know and she didn't like it. She was tired, she was frustrated and for some reason, something in the world or heaven knew where, was screwing with her mind. Diane didn't like that, not when she was so tired, she wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. She wanted that, she knew she did, but what the hell was stopping her from doing that?
Gritting her teeth, she inwardly commanded herself to get it together. She was burning time as it was and she couldn't afford to lose any more sleep. The last few days have been hard enough, she was sure she wouldn't be able to keep up if she kept this unhealthy habit going.
She put her car in reverse, pulling out and, without further hesitation, drove off out into the night.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time
What was she doing?
It wasn't the first, second or third time that question popped into her mind, but for some reason, she didn't care to answer. She drove through the quiet streets of the sleeping city. Everything was silent and dark, save for the streetlamps that lined the roads. Usually, she would encounter kids walking in the night or maybe a few late night stragglers, but not this time. The roads were bare, save for the cold white dust that was steadily sprinkling the city. It seemed she was the only soul that dared brave the cold.
And Diane wasn't sure if that meant she really was insane.
She drove on, passing some familiar places with both hands on the wheel. She hadn't intended to go anywhere else that night, but for some reason, her own body had ceased listening to her. She wondered if it was because she'd been depriving it of the rest and sleep it so craved, but she didn't care.
Diane didn't care about a lot of things that night, instead, she just drove.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
In another part of the state, another dimly lit room held another soul that couldn't seem to sleep as well.
The cold had begun to spread through the house and even as the temperatures were mechanically adjusted, he didn't seem to notice or mind. His mind was too foggy to truly comprehend what was a happening because at that moment, all he cared about was the slow exquisite burn that made its way down his throat. The world was cold, but inside he was keeping himself warm with a little help from his friend.
His friend wasn't much for talking, but he did the job anyway of keeping him warm. The world could freeze, but he wouldn't even feel it, not really when he could keep the burn coming again and again. And at that moment, that was all that mattered because tonight he didn't want to stop.
Truth was, he'd had enough of trying not to do anything. He'd spent the last week jumping from one place to another after deciding on sheer whim that a small road trip back home would be a good idea. On the road, it seemed okay and for awhile, when he'd actually made it home, he'd felt normal.
And then he drove back and it was hell.
He'd been entrapped in his own thoughts then, left to his own devices after listening to some words of wisdom only home could provide. He had listened, as was expected of him, and for a while, it worked. He'd even begun to look at things differently and he had left thinking he was fine.
But when he was alone, truly alone with nothing to look forward to like coming home and seeing old friends, things came back in such a heavy rush it came at him like a freight train and stopping it had been next to impossible. The memories came, the thoughts he'd squashed and the things he thought wisdom from home had managed to make disappear—they all came back.
And suddenly, he was even more lost than he had been before he came home.
People from home had suggested forgetting the whole thing and for a while, he thought that was a good idea too until things changed again. He didn't know how or why or when, but somehow, they saw something even he had been ignoring for a while and suddenly, they stopped.
Instead, they told him to move on and he'd wondered if there was a difference. Wasn't forgetting the way to moving on? The answer was a big jumble of crap he didn't have the patience—something he'd been short of there for some reason—and they said there was a difference and since he was uncharacteristically moody, he gave up easily and decided he believed them.
And it worked, for a while.
Now, not so much.
So for once, he damned all wisdom given and decided to do what he thought was the most common solution left for him—he drank to forget.
Downing a shot, he blinked, glancing at the door of his bedroom before shaking his head.
And forget he would.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time
What she was doing was insane.
The roads were darker than usual, the snow thicker than when she had begun. She'd been driving for a while and, because she hadn't entirely lost her mind yet, she drove at a pace that would ensure she wasn't going to suddenly have her car slide and careen to her death. The heaters were on full blast now and even then, the tips of her fingers still felt a little cold inside her gloves.
But she wasn't sure if that was really because of the weather or because she somehow felt she was going into some form of shock.
She'd done a few insane things in her life, a bunch of stupid things she'd rather not think about and even did a few unmentionable deeds, but thisone she knew had to take the cake.
If the time on her dashboard was any indication, she had officially taken the leap from confused to unstable to downright questionable sanity. The weather, the time and the fact that she wasn't even sure what she was doing were all coming to berate her about her latest adventure.
She had glanced behind her as she drove, catching sight of the snowed in roads and she was almost sure if she kept going she was going to reach the point of no return and she would no other choice but to go through everything without wimping out or changing her mind at the eleventh hour. The weather would see to that, she thought, taking in the snow that kept falling on her windshield.
There were times she could really hate Chicago.
Gripping the wheel and saying a prayer she didn't even know she could still remember from her old Catholic Schoolgirl days, she drove on, ignoring the voices in her head telling her there was still a chance to turn back. She knew where the line was, knew that as soon as she passed it, there would be no other choice except to go forward but somehow, for the first time that night, she realized something that made her almostsmile.
Diane knew what she wanted.
-o0o-
Turns out, he wasn't so good at forgetting.
'…leave a message after the tone."
He blinked, wondering for a moment if he should. His hand curled around the bottle tight enough to make his knuckles go white in almost an instant. It made an interest contrast, the paling of his skin, to the slow reddening of his eyes. He hadn't meant to call, but for some reason, his hand had found his phone without him even thinking of it and before he knew it, her voice was coming through the other end, slipping into his tumultuous mind.
Kurt McVeigh swallowed, wondering for a moment whether he should just hang up without saying anything then found he couldn't. He wasn't a man of many words, but tonight, there were three that just couldn't remain unsaid anymore.
"I miss you."
-o0o-
She was close.
And she knew by now, she should be wondering if this was the right thing to do and she knew, even then, that she should at least be feeling some mild form of panic, but somehow, none of those came. The doubts she should have at that precise moment weren't there nor could she hear the voices telling her to turn back and leave. The things she expected to be experiencing at that exact moment weren't happening and even thought she knew thatshould at least make her curious, she couldn't begin to make herself care.
Instead, she found herself in an odd sort of calm she hadn't quite felt in a long time as she made one of the last few familiar turns. She was surprised she could drive so surely in the dark and the snow. She noticed the white dusting was lighter there, but something told her that looks were being quite deceiving in this part of the world. The snow might not be falling as much, but she was sure it had to be colder there.
Not that she cared, she thought, drumming one finger against the wheel not out of nervousness, but just because she wanted to. She was still uncharacteristically calm.
She turned the wheel gently, taking another turn and, without knowing why, Will's voice came into her head again.
Go home.
For some reason, Diane smiled.
-o0o-
The cold water he splashed on his face was enough to help wake him up and help him go back to being sober.
Dressed in a fresh sweater, pajama bottoms and his hair dripping wet from the cold show he had forced himself to take as punishment, he found that dousing himself in cold water hadn't been quite enough. He had brushed his teeth, hoping to get the bitter taste from his mouth and splashed more water on his face in an effort to completely come back to life. Once he caught a reflection of himself in the mirror, he scowled.
He had knocked over a half empty bottle of bourbon after realizing what he had done, tossing his phone onto his bed when he'd realized he'd actually done what he had been trying not to do for the last few days. He had cursed at himself, wondering how he could do something so stupid. He'd done quite a good job of not doing anything of the sort, but get him halfway into a bottle and he runs for the phone.
For a smart man, he could be so stupid and to him, this was proof of it. How could he do it? He'd been doing so well, trying not to go back and trying to stay away, why do it now? Why did he insist on coming back for more when clearly, he wasn't wanted? He scowled again, this time not from his reflection, but from the bitter memories that he'd been using to sustain his resolve in staying away.
It had been working, but then tonight happened and he had a smart idea about getting drunk.
Kurt had never been a drinker, but for some reason, something told him tonight was a good idea to get stupid. God, he was an idiot. He shook his head, running a hand through his wet hair then pushing off the sink in his bathroom. He shouldn't have done anything, he berated himself. He'd been doing so well.
He hated himself already and he hated himself even more as he crawled into bed and found himself lying down on something—his cell phone.
Gritting his teeth, he tossed it aside, uncaring as it bounced off the mattress and took a dive off the bed, falling straight down to the hardwood floors. There was a possibility it was broken, but he couldn't begin to care.
Kurt was too busy telling himself off about his stupidest mistake of the night.
"I miss you."
Now why the hell did he go and do that?
-o0o-
The black Cadillac eased into a halt, stopping right in front of the house.
In the distance, she could see the dark shadow of the barn looming ahead, but she ignored it. Instead, she looked up at the windows and bit her bottom lip at the sight of nothing but darkness. Even if she was beginning to think this was a mistake and wanted to turn back now, she couldn't.
The roads wouldn't permit her and she knew she was most likely to pass out on the wheel if she tried driving for that long again.
Hoping to god she hadn't just made one of the biggest and most probably the most embarrassing decision of her life, she sucked in a breath and pulled her keys out of the ignition. She took a deep breath before stepping out of her car, bracing herself against the cold and bent her head down as she made her way up the short walk towards the stairs leading up to his door.
She felt her heart begin to thunder against her chest and clenched her fists inside her pockets as she walked, careful not to slip on the ice in her high heels. She was now only realizing that there was a great possibility that he wasn't home after all, that somehow she had driven all the way out there to nothing and there was a distinct possibility that she was either going to die on his front porch or on the road back while she makes her pathetic version of the walk of shame with an altogether different reason to feel shame.
Part of her feels stupid for not thinking of this, for not remembering that there was a possibility he wasn't even on the state, let alone the country and the thought almost made her eyes burn, but she blamed that on the cold. She didn't know what she was thinking and the possibility that she might just end up feeling even more foolish than she was beginning to feel made her wish she'd thought better.
She should not have done this.
But she was there already, what other choice did she have left?
-o0o-
Oh, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
-o0o-
Maybe he wasn't as sober as he thought he was.
He blinked, pushing off the bed groggily as he tried to blink himself awake in the darkness. He was sure he was still drunk because there was no other way he could explain hearing things in the dead of the night. For a moment, he'd been wondering if he was going a little insane when the sound came again only this time, he was up and standing, sure he'd heard what he'd initially thought was just in his head.
Someone was knocking on his door.
Kurt checked his watch then frowned. It was almost two in the morning and it was snowing and cold, who could be at the door at this time of night?
Trouble, he thought as he pulled out his gun.
He really didn't need this right now.
-o0o-
She knocked again and waited.
It was cold, the wind was blowing and she was sure her legs were blue already. Her coat was thick and her gloves were warm, but those weren't enough to stop her from turning into a human popsicle. She'd been in denial before, she knew now, believing he would be home. He had warned her he would be gone, how could she forget such a crucial detail?
Gritting her teeth against the cold, she pushed back from the door, pushing her now wet hair out of her eyes before turning around again, cursing herself for not leaving her car idling so she could at least have maintained the heat. She felt like a complete idiot for not doing the things she was supposed to do that night.
One of them being heading straight home like she should have now, here she was, frozen and most likely about to freeze to death on a treacherous ride back. Oh, what a way to go.
Swallowing the sudden lump in her throat, she turned away from the door, hurrying down the steps and down the walkway. She spent the way down making sure she wouldn't fall while at the same time stopping the urge to just slap herself silly. She was sure if she tried hard enough, she could be the first woman to slap herself to death in the middle of a snow storm.
Slipping slightly in her wet high heels, she got in her car and didn't hesitate to turn on the engine.
Maybe she could drive herself to her death and she won't feel too stupid then.
-o0o-
The knocking had stopped.
But he was more alert now, his gun tucked into his back and his feet into a pair of Doc Martens. If he was running into trouble tonight, he might as well be ready.
He took a breath before opening the door slowly, blinking out into the night as he turned the porch light on. By the time he came out, he'd realized just in time the sound of a car starting and a pair of headlights coming to life.
Kurt blinked, squinting his eyes before he realized just who owned the car that was now backing out of his driveway.
Damn it.
-o0o-
She'd been trying to be careful in backing out into the middle of a small snow storm.
It was dark and god knew she didn't know the place well enough to know exactly where she was heading. She still felt stupid, but she wasn't about to compound that feeling by running over something there. She felt bad enough, to add to it would be just adding insult to injury. God, her ego was taking a beating today.
Not that it would matter if she was going to make it through the night alive.
She'd been too caught up in looking behind her to realize the porch light had turned on.
And she couldn't to back out, much eager to leave now because she wanted something different that night.
She wanted to get out and pretend this night never happened.
-o0o-
"Diane!"
His eyes were wide when he bolted off the porch, jumping the three steps down and ignoring how his boots slipped slightly on the ice as she took off down the walkway. He cursed himself even more than before. Had she been knocking long? He'd taken a while to put on his shoes and grab his gun. My god, he had almost shot her.
Kurt was deciding he was some kind of genius that night.
"Diane!" he called again, sliding down the drive as her car continued to pull away. He couldn't see her but by the slow movement of the car, he was sure she was trying to back out carefully.
For once, he was thankful for women drivers.
He ran through the snow, stopping just in time to reach her car, his hand smacking against the front as he slid again, clambering to get her attention and stop her from leaving.
Kurt pushed off the car just as it went into a sudden brake.
-o0o-
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
-o0o-
"Oh, my god!"
Diane hit the brakes by sheer instinct, her heart leaping to her throat in fear. Had she hit something? She was alarmed, her hands frozen on the wheel. Did she hit someone?
"Oh my god…" she croaked, wondering if she should get out. Something told her she should, but her instincts told her to stay put. If there was something out there waiting to kill her, she wasn't about to make it easy for it or them or whatever.
What the hell was she doing?
Diane was halfway deciding whether to just drive off as fast as possible or at least check what she had hit before something collided against her window.
She screamed.
-o0o-
"Diane!"
He stopped, catching her just as she jumped and her muffled screamed drifted through the closed window. He shook his head, pulling the door open to reveal her staring at him, wide eyed and terrified.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly, taking in her stunned expression and the way her hands didn't seem to want to let go of the wheel. "I'm sorry."
She breathed, swallowing harshly, "It's…"
"Yeah," he nodded, bending down a little. "I'm sorry. I saw you pulling out and-and I just…I was asleep and…I-I'm sorry I scared you."
"It's-it's you," she stuttered, still staring at him. She couldn't believe he was really there.
Kurt managed a smile, "Yeah."
"Here."
"Yeah, but not for long," he said, reaching in to hold on to her hand. "If you keep making me stand here in the cold…"
He pulled her out, making sure she was okay to stand on her own before reaching in and pulling the key out of the ignition. Turning to her and taking in the bluish tint of her lips, he pulled her close to him, tucking her under his arm as best as he could, slamming her door shut. He was getting covered in snow too and whatever warmth that was on him from the house was gone now but he pulled her to him anyway. She had to be colder than he was.
And he wanted nothing more than to keep her warm.
"You're turning blue," he muttered, berating himself again for not being alert enough to get to the door in time. She could have frozen on the drive back. "Let's get you inside."
Diane didn't protest when he took her inside his home.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
"Give me a sec, okay?"
She stood at the threshold as he pulled out something from behind him and tucked it into a drawer in the foyer. Diane couldn't feel a thing and had she been thinking clearly, she would have assumed correctly that it was from the cold, but at the moment, she was a little too dazed to really understand what was happening.
"Diane?" he said, concerned, standing in front of her, barefoot now. "We need to get you out of these clothes or you'll get sick. I'll run you a bath, okay?"
She barely nodded, but as he turned away, she grabbed the sleeve of his sweater.
Kurt stopped, turning to her with worry clear on his face.
"Diane?"
Her nails dug into his arm before she suddenly pulled him towards her, burying herself in his arms and pressing her cheek against his shoulder. She slumped against him, suddenly too exhausted to stand on her own as she absorbed the heat from him.
She began to shiver, realizing only then just how cold she was.
"Will…" she said then stopped, swallowing as she let her eyes drift close. She felt his arms go around her, pulling her tight and giving her even more warmth. He'd been out in the cold and his sweater was a little wet, but he was still so warm, she reveled in the feeling of him. She sighed before she could continue, "Will said…"
Kurt held her tightly, wondering if perhaps something had gone wrong at work that had sent her running to him, "What'd he say, honey?"
"Will said go home," Diane whispered against him.
He waited, wondering if there was more before he felt her hug him tighter, pressing her lips against his shoulder, breathing in deeply.
"I think I'm home."