Jellicle Infidel
(by Sailor Taichichi Vegeta)
THAT'S A BITCH MOVE, IRAN.
I'm temporarily un-crossing my fingers for Cold War II and doing this to deal with my bad feelings over the news. I don't have anything against the citizens, I like the history and culture and would gladly visit if things were different. So here's a crackfic, and here's a big hug for Iranian people (the ones who don't want me dead for no good reason) and a big middle finger for the Iranian government. Hope you choke on a radioactive ham sandwich. Likewise, I have nothing against Israel. The words below are the thoughts of a bitter jealous woman. (See, I read one male Iran who was a douchebag and depressed me, and one female Iran who was also a bag of douche but made me laugh.) This woman's personality… well, you can judge for yourself, but she was heavily inspired by Romano. Oh, and glasses.
On the one hand, pet cats are illegal in Iran; on the other hand… Nekotalia. XD
Disclaimer
Hey, hey, Mama, more hot cider!
Hey, hey, Papa, hey, hey, Papa!
I can't forget the taste of that grilled cheese-and-bacon sandwich that nobody wanted to share with me!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
I'm not Himaruya and therefore own nothing!
Roshni knew her Turkish neighbor did not like them. It was only this particular group, though, and even though he hadn't told her she guessed his dislike stemmed from a dislike of their caretaker. Leaning over this fence, she could see some of Greece's house when the weather was just right, and the two tanned nations were arguing again for –what, the third time this week?
Yeah, that must be it, because Turkey had his own cat and simply adored it. All the nations did. Roshni felt her citizens' pain when they were no longer allowed to have cats as pets. She was lucky; Shahnaz was as much Iran as she was (somehow), so she got to keep him, although her boss didn't like it when she played with him for too long. For most of the day, while she went about her business he had to stay in the compound meowing for somebody to love and stroke him. Meanwhile, spoiled little Israel could play with hers all day long if she wanted to. So unfair.
The fight came to a close and Turkey went home fuming. Greece began to comfort some of his more timid feline friends. Oh look, there was Japan helping him. Roshni had a fair amount of respect for the Pacific Rim nation; she admired his sense of honor and his work ethic, even if some of the things he produced were… shocking, at best. She didn't own any of the questionable stuff of course, but at night when it got quiet and that bitch whore Israel had the TV up too loud again, she could hear strange music. Who wanted to play a game about a fat Italian man anyway? Not Roshni. No sir. Nuh-uh. She could make her own games that were just as good when she felt like it.
Roshni kept leaning on the fence, watching the two friends relax surrounded by a thousand whiskers. She let her thoughts drift to the good times she'd had with Shahnaz, and a smile slowly made its way across her normally stern face.
That's how China found her when he arrived not too long after. He'd brought a file full of important documents to share, but she didn't appear to be up to doing any work. Eyes half-lidded, head forward as if dreaming, even muttering to herself at times, alternating between affectionate words and death threats.
"Ah… Iran?"
"…then I'll rip out her stupid eyelashes one by one… when I scratched 'is left ear he made the funny airplane sound… rotten-smelling slut daughter of dogs…"
Well, at least she was semi-pleasant. The last time China had visited she'd still been torn up about not being able to spend as much time with her cat (in fact, that was his other reason for coming). But she still needed to be awake.
"Iran!"
"Ahh –Farfour!" she yelped, jumping back from the fence. Great, Greece and Japan were gone and the cats with them. "Oh, China. What is it?"
"I've got some papers for you. Nothing urgent, but we'd like them taken care of as soon as possible."
"Sure." Not like she had anything else to do. She took the folder and started leafing through its contents.
"Have you been well?"
"Yeah." As well as could be. Damn, she missed Shahnaz. And damn Israel too. Just because.
"I know it's not really my business, but as an ally I'm concerned about the stress you've been under recently..."
"Nice of SOMEBODY to recognize what I have to deal with!" Stupid hackers. Stupid upstart kids. Stupid Israel.
Encouraged by the departure from monosyllabic answers, China went on, "I remember your feelings about your cat–"
"I don't wanna talk about that!"
"You don't have to. I brought you something besides the documents." He reached into his briefcase, glancing around first to make sure nobody was going to see what this grown man had been carrying with him, and took out a small box, which he presented to the irritable Iranian.
Roshni wasn't sure what she'd been expecting –China was one of the nations she felt she could really count on and he never brought her crap, but when she opened the box she couldn't help but squeal with joy. In her hands was a small plush doll of a cat, dressed in a red-and-gold robe and with a cute bow over one ear. If she took off her glasses and squinted, the dolly would almost look like a short-haired girly version of Shahnaz. (Then again, her eyesight was pretty poor.)
"Thank you so much, China!" she cried, her previous foul mood gone. There was no way she was going to hug him, she didn't roll like that, but she'd definitely hug the little stuffed cat. "Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank youuuuu!"
"I'm glad you like it. Keep doing your best, all right? And please fax us those papers as soon as possible."
"I will, I will! Come visit again soon, all right?" Roshni waved at her ally until he was out of sight, then left herself, fence and neighbors forgotten.
"Quite unseemly. I'm surprised at you." Roshni may have been happy, but her boss was not. Who would've guessed there was a damn security camera right near the fence where she and China had been? "Acting so rambunctious over a silly stuffed cat?"
"Sorry, sir… I was just feeling like sh –awful and then China came with the best present ever and I couldn't help myself. It's not like we touched or anything. But I can keep the gift, right? It's not a real cat, so it's okay! Right?"
"I suppose you can. Still, you know the rules."
Roshni sighed and got up. "Yes, sir. I'll get right on that 'honor paperwork'…"
Iran-chan's not just being a secretly-curious tsundere, they really do have a video game industry going over there now.
Farfour is that jihad Mickey Mouse ripoff who got 'killed off' and the show's since been taken over by a bee who claims to be his cousin. It's not an Iranian program (OR IS IT) but perhaps Roshni might watch it…
(I hope I did a good job with this character. She's obviously not the best sort of person, but at the same time she adores her kitty and is concerned for her people in her own way. Should I leave this kind of writing alone and just stick to pure crack? Be honest.)
And if this farce actually inspires somebody to draw, please make sure to show the back of her boss' head like when Himaruya-sensei draws Germany's and Russia's bosses. XD