She flies through space and she is not angry with him. And she is angry
with herself because she should be. Because being angry with him would be
easier. After all it was he who pushed, he who demanded, he who flipped
the coin. If the fates were against them this time he had only himself to
blame. He made the rule, stay or say good-bye, he could frelling well live
with the results.
Except it had nothing to do with fate.
She hadn't said anything when the coin hit the ground. She'd simply looked at his closed eyes and flipped it quickly with her boot. If he'd seen it he would have wanted to hold her to her agreement to stay and she would have had to talk then, explain why a frelling coin made no difference, she had to go anyway. And she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to be in his presence anymore, because she was half broken already and if he touched her again, kissed her again she might very well cave in and if she did that she would die.
And it did no good to pretend that she felt nothing for him.
So she'd cheated and that was almost easy because she'd already lied. She'd told him he tasted like yesterday when he tasted like forever and she'd almost screamed with the effort of holding still when all she'd wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and cry.
But she couldn't make them fit.
One man dead his scent still on her; another man in front of her whom she'd fought to keep alive. She couldn't mourn, she couldn't move on and the dichotomy was destroying her mind. And she wished for the thousandth time that she'd ended it on Valdon. That she'd let Xhallax pull the trigger or not listened when she told her she had to live and not die.
But she had listened. And she'd gone back. And she'd stayed. And she'd made herself listen to his voice and deal with his presence and shoved back the familiar feelings when they'd started to arise. And she'd almost succeeded in making herself believe that she was only what she was bred to be.
Until she started getting sick.
At first she'd thought it was just nerves. Her self-imposed isolation and denial manifesting itself in a physical way. But then she'd started getting dizzy and smells became unbearable and it hadn't stopped her from functioning but it concerned her enough to seek out a tech when the Med ship came to Moya. And she just knew it was something simple, something easily fixed. A pill, an injection and then back into battle, a slight aberration to her normally perfect state of fitness.
Except that it hadn't been.
She'd had them calculate for her, the med-techs, exactly when it had happened. She'd kept at them and at them until they had given her the exact date the exact time the exact microt it had happened. And then she had tried very hard to remember, if she'd felt any differently then. Because if life was starting shouldn't she have felt it? Shouldn't something have told her? Told him? Something? Shouldn't her stomach have hurt or lightening have struck? And why oh why, hadn't they thought to be careful?
But then he had tried to be careful. She remembers it now. Sitting in this cockpit with cold starlight all around her she remembers.. He had tried.
"Now"
She had panted her fingers slipping in the sweat on his ribs. "Now" she had said and then she'd kissed him again.
"Wait"
The words had been muffled against the inside of her mouth and she'd pulled back certain she'd heard wrong. "What?"
He'd rested his forehead against hers his body tense with desire and fighting for control. "I need to know if you're alright," She had almost laughed at him, but this had been to long in coming and she'd had no patience for more of his teasing.
"No I'm not alright you're making me wait." And she'd arched against him and dug her toes into the backs of his thighs. But he'd grunted and rolled them and pulled her flat against his chest. "No, listen to me Aeryn. I need to know if we're safe." And she'd listened to his heartbeat under her cheek and shook her head that she didn't understand.
"What? Safe? The Budong is gone we are far from its path, Crais and the others are occupied and the only thing that isn't going to be safe is YOU if you don't...."
And he'd laughed and cut off her words with another kiss and her belly had gone liquid with the feel of it and she'd barely heard him when he pulled back and said...
"No. Birth control Aeryn. I need to know if we're in danger of making a baby here." And it had taken a microt for that to sink in and even then it had it hadn't mattered. She was to far gone to care.
"Oh. Right. It's fine."
"Fine?"
"Yes, Yes. They give us an injection and its fine," And she'd gone to work on the inside of his ear with her tongue. Why oh why was he always insistent on talking?
"Oh God baby, no wait. Wait" And he'd grabbed her again. "Injection. Good. UT version of Norplant. But how long does it last? We've been out here awhile."
And she'd had enough by that point and she couldn't take any more so she'd broken free from his hands and pinned them above his head.
"It lasts cycles. And I'm fine and you're fine and we're safe and if you don't end this soon I'm going to have to hurt you" And he'd laughed again and he'd rolled them and then all thought had ended. And three moens, fifteen days, nine ahrns and three hundred twenty-five microts later it had happened. And she hadn't felt anything unusual at all.
And so it must have been her fault. She had miscalculated. Or maybe it wasn't her fault and Pilot's DNA had rendered it inactive, or maybe something had happened to her when she died. It really didn't matter. It was done, it had happened. And now she was pregnant and he was gone and there wasn't anything she could do about either thing so she would have to do this alone.
Except that she wasn't alone. He was there. No matter how far she ran, he was there. And he was John and he would help her.... If she let him.
It wasn't good to be alone.
And she leaned her head against the back of her seat and screamed because her choices were never easy and they always came with a price that was invariably too high to pay. And she jammed the accelerator harder because if she turned back she would love him again and if she did... well fate had decided that wasn't to be anyway.
Except that it hadn't. She had cheated. The coin toss had gone his way.
And so she stopped and she sat there breathing harshly in the midst of the bright universe in who's game she was nothing more than a pawn to be played.
He had made the rules and she had invoked fate.
This side up... you stay.
And she didn't want to do this alone.
So she closed her eyes, said a prayer to a nameless god....
And turned and headed back the other way.
Except it had nothing to do with fate.
She hadn't said anything when the coin hit the ground. She'd simply looked at his closed eyes and flipped it quickly with her boot. If he'd seen it he would have wanted to hold her to her agreement to stay and she would have had to talk then, explain why a frelling coin made no difference, she had to go anyway. And she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to be in his presence anymore, because she was half broken already and if he touched her again, kissed her again she might very well cave in and if she did that she would die.
And it did no good to pretend that she felt nothing for him.
So she'd cheated and that was almost easy because she'd already lied. She'd told him he tasted like yesterday when he tasted like forever and she'd almost screamed with the effort of holding still when all she'd wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and cry.
But she couldn't make them fit.
One man dead his scent still on her; another man in front of her whom she'd fought to keep alive. She couldn't mourn, she couldn't move on and the dichotomy was destroying her mind. And she wished for the thousandth time that she'd ended it on Valdon. That she'd let Xhallax pull the trigger or not listened when she told her she had to live and not die.
But she had listened. And she'd gone back. And she'd stayed. And she'd made herself listen to his voice and deal with his presence and shoved back the familiar feelings when they'd started to arise. And she'd almost succeeded in making herself believe that she was only what she was bred to be.
Until she started getting sick.
At first she'd thought it was just nerves. Her self-imposed isolation and denial manifesting itself in a physical way. But then she'd started getting dizzy and smells became unbearable and it hadn't stopped her from functioning but it concerned her enough to seek out a tech when the Med ship came to Moya. And she just knew it was something simple, something easily fixed. A pill, an injection and then back into battle, a slight aberration to her normally perfect state of fitness.
Except that it hadn't been.
She'd had them calculate for her, the med-techs, exactly when it had happened. She'd kept at them and at them until they had given her the exact date the exact time the exact microt it had happened. And then she had tried very hard to remember, if she'd felt any differently then. Because if life was starting shouldn't she have felt it? Shouldn't something have told her? Told him? Something? Shouldn't her stomach have hurt or lightening have struck? And why oh why, hadn't they thought to be careful?
But then he had tried to be careful. She remembers it now. Sitting in this cockpit with cold starlight all around her she remembers.. He had tried.
"Now"
She had panted her fingers slipping in the sweat on his ribs. "Now" she had said and then she'd kissed him again.
"Wait"
The words had been muffled against the inside of her mouth and she'd pulled back certain she'd heard wrong. "What?"
He'd rested his forehead against hers his body tense with desire and fighting for control. "I need to know if you're alright," She had almost laughed at him, but this had been to long in coming and she'd had no patience for more of his teasing.
"No I'm not alright you're making me wait." And she'd arched against him and dug her toes into the backs of his thighs. But he'd grunted and rolled them and pulled her flat against his chest. "No, listen to me Aeryn. I need to know if we're safe." And she'd listened to his heartbeat under her cheek and shook her head that she didn't understand.
"What? Safe? The Budong is gone we are far from its path, Crais and the others are occupied and the only thing that isn't going to be safe is YOU if you don't...."
And he'd laughed and cut off her words with another kiss and her belly had gone liquid with the feel of it and she'd barely heard him when he pulled back and said...
"No. Birth control Aeryn. I need to know if we're in danger of making a baby here." And it had taken a microt for that to sink in and even then it had it hadn't mattered. She was to far gone to care.
"Oh. Right. It's fine."
"Fine?"
"Yes, Yes. They give us an injection and its fine," And she'd gone to work on the inside of his ear with her tongue. Why oh why was he always insistent on talking?
"Oh God baby, no wait. Wait" And he'd grabbed her again. "Injection. Good. UT version of Norplant. But how long does it last? We've been out here awhile."
And she'd had enough by that point and she couldn't take any more so she'd broken free from his hands and pinned them above his head.
"It lasts cycles. And I'm fine and you're fine and we're safe and if you don't end this soon I'm going to have to hurt you" And he'd laughed again and he'd rolled them and then all thought had ended. And three moens, fifteen days, nine ahrns and three hundred twenty-five microts later it had happened. And she hadn't felt anything unusual at all.
And so it must have been her fault. She had miscalculated. Or maybe it wasn't her fault and Pilot's DNA had rendered it inactive, or maybe something had happened to her when she died. It really didn't matter. It was done, it had happened. And now she was pregnant and he was gone and there wasn't anything she could do about either thing so she would have to do this alone.
Except that she wasn't alone. He was there. No matter how far she ran, he was there. And he was John and he would help her.... If she let him.
It wasn't good to be alone.
And she leaned her head against the back of her seat and screamed because her choices were never easy and they always came with a price that was invariably too high to pay. And she jammed the accelerator harder because if she turned back she would love him again and if she did... well fate had decided that wasn't to be anyway.
Except that it hadn't. She had cheated. The coin toss had gone his way.
And so she stopped and she sat there breathing harshly in the midst of the bright universe in who's game she was nothing more than a pawn to be played.
He had made the rules and she had invoked fate.
This side up... you stay.
And she didn't want to do this alone.
So she closed her eyes, said a prayer to a nameless god....
And turned and headed back the other way.