I Want to Hold Your Hand
Goodnight.
RJ sat outside the log, long after the others had fallen asleep. His weary eyes rested far into the distance, not focusing on anything in particular. He sighed heavily as his entire body tensed and then quickly relaxed. It was not that he did not wish to sleep. Nor too much energy a problem; his eye lids had been arguing about whether they were going to close for hours, and he had been weighted down with fatigue for quite some time.
What had come in the month since settling there had been frightening dream after frightening dream. Despite what he could see when awake, a part of RJ's mind could not accept that Vincent was gone. His nightmare was supposed to be far away in the Rockies, but how far was that? Did his scent carry that far? RJ did not know where these mountains were, but if they had been on the opposite end of the earth, it would not have been far enough. He feared he would be tracked down any instant, and this time his family would have to pay as well.
This bothered him perhaps more than anything. Had he never met them, they never would have been in danger, and as far as he knew, would still not be. Of course if he had attempted everything on his own, he would have been dead. He hated to admit it, but he knew it was true.
Sighing again, RJ removed a half eaten snack cake from his bag, and began to slowly nibble it. Contrary to what it was supposed to do, the sugar helped him relax, although his paws continued to tremble from nerves. He ate slowly, silently. Alert ears kept watch for any suspicious sounds. After swallowing the last of the cake, he carefully brushed the crumbs off of his chest fur, and then stood.
"Maybe you just need to go for a walk. Clear your head. Get some fresh air," RJ muttered in a whisper. "There is no bear. There is no bear." He thumped a fist on his brow a few times as he tried to convince himself of this.
Releasing a deep breath, he took a few steps toward the hedge, leaving his bag on the ground. Days ago he had decided that walking along it at night was the safest. If any danger came by, he could at least hide among the dense leaves. Without a better idea of what to do at the time, he continued toward it, and once he was close, RJ gave a longing glance back at the log.
With a few casual steps, he began his walk.
The early spring evening was a cool one. A light breeze occasionally rustled the trees and grass, and brought RJ some comfort as it washed over his fur. The soothing air felt good on the tip of his nose as well, which he momentarily paused to enjoy. Giving a shiver that went all the way to his tail tip, he continued to walk, gazing upward at the rich canopy. He felt a twinge of envy at how carefree the leaves appeared. It was as though they were mocking him.
"Go ahead and dance while my nerves stay shot," he said, more to himself than to the leaves. He was confident that they had no bears to worry about.
Suddenly, there was another voice.
RJ's body went rigid until he released it was only two human women on the other side of the hedge, whose high, semi-nasaly voices were nothing like the earth rumbling snarl that came from Vincent.
"Calm down!" he said loudly as his chest heaved. Then, without even realizing it, slipped into the hedge to hide. While there he took a moment to eavesdrop on the two women. He did not plan to hear anything useful, but hoped that paying attention to something else would get his mind off of his troubles. Temporarily interrupting the words was a pair of slamming van doors.
"-have seen little Steven today. It was sooo precious," came a bubbly, over cheerful voice, especially for the time of evening. "He turned on the TV all by himself! Then he put it on his favorite show!'
"Did he really?" came a second voice. This woman's voice was lower and a bit scratchy, but her tone carried just as much, if not more saccharine.
"Oh yes, you know how much he likes his Power Rangers. Why I bet when he learns to walk, he'll be acting our their moves. He's my little genius."
"Oh my how cute! Did you know my Benjamin can beat his father at his Playstation games? He pushes those buttons so fast. He can even win while eating his Jello. I bet we have the smartest boys on the block!"
RJ could only imagine the extreme hand gesturing that was going on as the women spoke. Unable to handle any more of the boasting, he slid back out of the foliage and continued on his way. A pain in his gut caused him to wince, but it was not from hunger. No one was saying how great I was when I turned over my first trashcan, he thought.
No one was there.
He blew out his lips in another sigh as he walked, and quickly made a mental note to check the woman's trash for some discarded Jello cups on the way back.
In the distance, the forest slowly came to life. A chorus of crickets serenaded his ears, which had been painfully alert all evening, and allowed them to relax. The music would cover any sudden sounds that could startle him again. A few colorful flashes appeared deep in the forest as a group of fireflies signaled to each other. A subtle smile crept onto his face as he listened and walked; despite his nightmares, RJ had to admit, it was a very peaceful evening. He knew that his experience would not have had the same magic, much less been possible, in the middle of the subdivision, not with its suffocating pavement, bright lights, and of course humans that thought they owned everything.
But RJ knew better. They owned nothing. Instead they owed everything, usually to some politician.
"And you're no different," he said in disgust. "You just owed a wagon full of food to a psychotic bear, didn't you?"
At this point he turned into the forest, but stayed close enough to the edge that he could see. Other than the food, the one other thing that he was very thankful for was the abundance of light from the homes and street lights that the humans had brought. It was a bit of selfish reason of course. Had he been able to clear his mind of Vincent, light would not have been a concern. He was a nocturnal animal after all.
With the crickets still chattering away, he began to make his way back to the log, but then stopped as he realized that it would only mean having to sleep sooner. His eye lids protested again by threatening to shut for good. RJ gave them a heavy rub until he saw spots and shook his head. "Not yet," he told himself. "Just a little longer. You can do it." The yawn that followed was inevitable.
A few minutes later, RJ's legs began to protest as well. Unable to win, he collapsed on his rump with his back to the nearest tree. His tail curled around to his left side; this he held tightly like a security blanket without being completely aware that he was doing it. "Why did you come out alone?" he said into the enveloping darkness with a touch of helplessness. "Oh right, because you're a loner. That's what you do." In frustration, he slammed the back of his head into the tree trunk, and then allowed a halfhearted whimper to escape his lips.
"Just admit that you need company.
"To who?
"You know.
"Why are you talking to yourself?"
The low rumble of passing cars traveled in the distance, a noise that once was foreign to the area. As they drove by, a soft hiss rose and fell from disturbed puddles left from a recent rain. Somewhat closer, but still distant, came the penetrating barks of three dogs, each with its own distinct pitch. It was not obvious what had put the dogs in such a frenzy, but the sound of a madly jingling bell among them was a clue. The sounds formed an aural blanket beneath the chattering crickets, an odd juxtaposition of the natural and unnatural.
Through the many branches and leaves above him, RJ could see a sliver of the night's full moon. The last time he had seen it, he had been more frightened than he could ever remember. The glowing white orb reflecting in his eyes only reminded him of this, and thus Vincent as well. He felt that it would always be the case. "I hate you," he said to it in a strained whisper.
A sudden rustle of leaves that could not have been more than twenty feet away caused his ears to painful swivel to the sound. Who's there! he thought, too afraid to speak.
He gave the air a quick sniff. There was no scent of bear, but at the moment did not trust his senses.
The rustle was heard again, a little closer. What came next was a strong feeling that he was being rushed. RJ's fatigued legs sprung to life, but before he had managed to take two steps, was tackled by a red and brown blur. He and his assailant tumbled over several times before their momentum was stopped by another tree. He landed on his back, and felt two tiny hands squeezing his chest fur in a death grip.
Much to his relief he knew the face. It was Hammy. The poor squirrel appeared even more startled than himself.
"RJ! You're not dead! I woke up and didn't see you and you weren't there and you were gone!" Hammy said, without care to put space between his words. His hands did not relinquish their grip.
"Yes I'm alive," RJ said matter-of-factly. He winced as he nudged on the hands. "But you're pulling my hair."
"Oh sorry." Hammy quickly let go, and then rolled onto his feet. "Please don't leave. Please?" His voice ended in no more than a squeak.
"It's okay, you just startled me," RJ said as he slowly stood, and then gave a reassuring pat on his friend's shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere. I just couldn't sleep. I needed to get my mind off of some. . ." There was a brief pause. "bad things."
"The weed hacker!"
"No." He looked away for a moment, and then back into Hammy's shining, innocent eyes. RJ felt he could trust him with most anything. The little guy would never betray anyone, but still there was trepidation about getting too personal. After a few heavy breaths, he finally continued. "I was just having bad dreams about Vince. It's silly. It's hard to sleep lately, but don't worry."
"Awww," he said, his bottom lip beginning to poke out under his rather large teeth. Hammy collapsed into him in a tight hug. "I won't let him get you. No one eats my buddy." His words were muffled by raccoon fur.
"Yeah, thanks," RJ said weakly. He had never felt comfortable with affection, and this time was no different. It was not something he felt he deserved. While waiting for the hug to break, he gently pat Hammy on the back.
Shortly after, it did.
Hammy began to look around, scratching at his head. "Oh I brought you a present when I thought you were leaving and hoped it would make you stay wanna see?"
"Sure," RJ said coolly.
"Okay! No I think I lost it. Umm um um, where'd it go. . ." He zipped past RJ, looking around frantically. His ears and tail twitched as though covered in ants. After a few figure eights around the trees, he came to a near stop, his body continuing to shake as he leaned over to scan the ground. Finally he became fixated on a spot as a bright grin shone on his face. He began to scoop up several small objects that RJ could not decipher.They were all brushed into one palm, and then moved around into a pile with his free hand.
"It's broken but still good I think," he said, prancing up to RJ with his hand presented. "I bet it went into little bits when we fell."
RJ glanced downward over his nose. "Oh you brought me a cookie."
"It's chocolate chip! My favorite."
"I know. Thanks Hammy," he said warmly, rubbing him between the ears as he took the cookie pieces. "It was very nice of you." He popped about half of them in his mouth. Dirt coated them, which caused a gritty crunch sound with each bite. RJ did not find dirt cookies pleasant in the least. However, he pretended that it was not a problem so as not to hurt his fairly fragile friend's feelings.
"Would you like the other half?
"I don't know," Hammy replied, holding on to the last word. "Is it really half? Or are you trying to trick me? Hmm!"
"It's half. See?" RJ held out his paw that contained the rest of the cookie, waving it under Hammy's nose.
This he sniffed and studied for a second before looking up with a healthy grin. "Okay!" No time was wasted, and within the same breath, he nearly devoured RJ's hand by slurping it clean, completely hands free. Fortunately only the cookie was swallowed.
RJ looked down in surprise at his hand with a disturbed fascination. Saliva dripped from his fingers, and a healthy portion of his lower arm was damp. He turned his hand over a few times and then held up his arm into the moonlight to get a better view. "Wow," was all he could say for a moment. "I"ve never been covered in squirrel drool."
"I can put a lot in my cheeks!" Hammy chirped.
"Yes I know," RJ muttered, wrinkling his lips from the semi change of subject. "I guess you understand I'm going to have to dry off on you now," he added playfully. Without waiting for a response, he pounced, but instead of landing on fur, found himself face first in the grass. RJ grunted and looked up to see that Hammy had all ready zipped away, with the grass bent before him to show the path that his friend had taken.
"I'm gonna get you!" he called into the darkness, having momentarily forgotten about becoming a bear's snack. He sprung to his feet and dashed away in pursuit.
Any uselessness that had been in his legs moments earlier had seemingly never been there. RJ ran at a full sprint, ducking under limbs, leaping over others, and steering around various rocks and flowers in his path. Never did he realistically flirt with the idea of catching Hammy--the squirrel was simply too fast--but at the least he could meet up with him where ever he would eventually stop.
It was not long before he began to tire again. His run became more of a jog, and that soon became an awkward walk. His chest rising and falling as he gasped for air, RJ finally came to a rest with his right arm serving as support against a tree. "Hammy?" he called hoarsely between breaths. "Are you there?"
Only the crickets answered.
"Hammy?" came a pathetic voice.
When there was still no desirable reply, he moaned and fell to his rump, resting his face in his hands. "I know you wouldn't leave me alone out here. I don't even know how to get back now." As this thought sunk into his head, RJ began to stare ahead into the darkness, his expression completely blank. The only part of his body that moved was his chest as he continued to breathe heavily, however it was more from fear than from being out of breath.
"Hammy?" he called once more, but very softly this time as he felt his body sinking into the surrounding darkness as though he were sitting in an enormous pool of quicksand. In defeat, RJ blew out his lips and waited to be found. Getting further lost was not going to help matters.
Fortunately he did not have a long wait.
"Up here!"
RJ's ears leapt in surprise, and he craned his neck backward to see Hammy's toothy grin facing him. The squirrel was flattened on the tree, with his head toward the ground. His tail wiggled about with excitement. "Follow me! I want to show you something!" Without waiting, he made a U-turn and dashed up into the braches.
"Yeah good to see you too," RJ said with a wry smile.
Using his claws, he quickly made his way up into the tree, although not with the same speed and grace that Hammy could do. It was much higher than expected, and for a moment he wondered if it would ever end. His neck was beginning to ache from looking upward for so long, but just as the moonlight was growing strong through the top layer of leaves, he saw a long, thick branch that stood far out from the rest, and wiggled from side to side as though it had been a huge petrified snake. Near the end of the branch stood Hammy, who did not look back at him. Instead, his focus seemed to be on something down below.
"What is it?" RJ asked as he walked up to him. The branch was easily wide enough to not have to worry about loosing footing.
"Look! Pretty stars!" he said once RJ was close.
His eyes began to trace across the red outstretched arm, and over the darker fingers. "Hammy, the stars are up in the—oh my." Eyes wide, and his mouth slightly agape, RJ could not turn his head from what he was seeing.
For the first time he saw the entirety of the El Ranchero Camelot at night, along with the communities before it. Stretching past the horizon were more lights than he had ever seen at once. They shone and twinkled like a field of diamonds amidst the pitch-black patches of trees. Soft yellows, oranges, and whites covered the land, along with a few greens and reds from traffic lights, and rows of headlights traveled casually along; from the distance they appeared to move much more slowly than they were. All of the various lights rose and fell with the many hills that were part of the landscape. From above, the moonlight shone onto the two, illuminating their fur with a white aura. The scenery gave RJ a sense of calm that he did not feel was possible.
"This is beautiful. It truly is." As he said this, he felt Hammy step in front of him, and then lean back a bit. "Thanks for showing me," he added as he gently brushed the tail out of the way to give him a brief but firm hug. He had not planned this, but it felt like the right thing to do. If there was one thing he had learned the past month, it was how wonderful hugs could be, and even if he had trouble admitting it, definitely wanted to share it with his closest friend.
RJ thought he heard a very soft cooing, and then felt him step back a little closer. He gave a second hug, this one longer and tighter as his muzzle rested on top of Hammy's head. There was a definite cooing this time.
"I could look at that all night," Hammy said with a rare amount of calm in his voice. He gently took hold of RJ's arm and hugged it just under his chest. "They're pretty."
"I could too. I could too," RJ said quietly, and then yawned. "If I wasn't so tired." He did not mind the touch of his arm, and in fact embraced it with another hug. This time he did not let go, and relaxed his body so that his muzzle could tenderly remain on his friend's head.
"Let's sleep up here tonight," Hammy said after a while. His voice remained still.
"Why?"
"We're lost."
RJ smirked and gave him a pat on his soft belly. "I can't argue with that."
"We can go back tomorrow, and watch the sunrise from here."
"I would like that very much," RJ said as he smiled. "I won't have to do it alone."
"Me too." Hammy finally released the arm and turned into him for a hug, which was quickly returned. "I want to help you with your bad dreams, okay?"
"I don't think you can-"
"No no I have a trick! Mom had a special way, I can help. Please? I don't want you to be afraid," Hammy said as his voice squeaked with sadness.
RJ glanced down to see eyes that held more sincerity and innocence than seemed possible. And he thought for a moment that he saw them beginning to tear. There was no denying them. "Do what you want then," he said after yawning again. His eyes were watering so much from exhaustion, that it was growing difficult to see. He blinked, and then began to walk over to the trunk. "But let me sit down first before I fall over."
"Oh thank you! It won't hurt."
Once RJ had made himself comfortable, Hammy followed and rested beside him. Both had their backs against the tree for support.
"I need your hand."
RJ slowly offered it. Part of him wondered if he was going to receive a palm reading like he had heard about humans doing. Another part wondered what kind of silly thing was in store.
"Now what?"
Hammy took his hand and held it tightly. "That's it. Mom always said this would keep the bad dreams away. It works."
"Does it?" RJ asked, chuckling softly. "Maybe they can't get to me because you're so nice to me. Thanks Hammy. Love ya buddy." The last slipped out so suddenly that he had no time to hesitate, but RJ quickly felt his stomach leap into his chest.
There was no response. RJ wondered if he had said something wrong as he looked down. Hammy's head was buried into his side, and he felt his fur beginning to moisten. The tail was limp. "Are you. . ." he began to ask, but stopped, instead giving him a light pat on his back "It'll be okay."
"Thank you," came a scratched, muffled voice.
"I mean it," he cooed. RJ brought his arm around him, pulling him close as he closed his eyes.
"Goodnight Hammy"
Goodnight.