I don't even know how long I've been sat here, just staring out of Chris's living room window into the black of the night. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I shouldn't be here. I promised myself I'd keep my distance, for his sake and for my own. Yet, I still end up spending the night, to make matters worse, at least for me, it was a frustratingly platonic one.
As soon as Chris rang me and asked me to come over for a jamming session my excuses were weak and futile, and before I knew it I was here. Trying helplessly to stop thinking about him...and me...together, because I know deep down that we will never be anything more than best friends.
That conclusion wasn't new, I'd known that from the start. One conclusion that had came to me recently though was that I knew I couldn't carry on anymore. It was too hard, too difficult. I felt self conscious. Like I was on guard of everything I did and said around him incase he saw right through me and realised how I feel for him. Chris isn't stupid however, he knows something is wrong. Something is different with me. And that is my dilema, which I guess is the catalyst for yet another sleepless night for me, staring at the stars hoping they'll give me the answers that I seek. A sign. Anything. But all I get is the all to familiar silence.
I know the decision is mine to make, and mine alone. Either path that I could take seems to me to have the exact same result. Loosing Chris from my life. That is something that terrifies me.
I can't imagine my life without him in it. It's hard for me to even remember a time when he hasn't been right there by my side. Through all the bad times: the injuries, the breakups, the self doubt, he was the one that was there to reassure me, the one that would make me laugh again. He was the one that would pick me up off the ground, figuratively and literally. I've lost count the amount of times he's rescued me from making a giant ass of myself whilst intoxicated. He'd get me back to the hotel or my house. Or his. Whenever I'd wake up the following morning, the first thing I'd see would be his face watching over me.
Always there. Constantly there.
He's my best friend. No one comes close to him. He is the one person that knows me inside and out. The only one that I would, that I could let in. The one that I could bare my soul too. I trust that man with anything and everything. I trust that man with my life.
Well actually, I guess that's not completely true anymore. I can't tell him how I feel about him or how deep my emotions run for him. I can't tell him that his mere presence makes my palms sweat and my heart thump inside my chest. Spending anytime with him, no matter how short, now feels like some sadistic form of torture.
You know, I'm not even sure when this all began. I'm not sure when it changed, when or why I began to look at him in a whole new light. But I know that is has. I feel it. I feel it every single second of every single day.
Now I go weak at the knees when I feel the warmth of his body in close vicinity to my own.
Now I watch enthralled as his talented fingers play the bass in our jamming sessions.
Now the slightest graze of his skin on my own causes electricity to bolt through my body and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
You know I can't even insult him anymore without pangs of guilt, and I so enjoyed doing that. It's ridiculous! We always insulted each other, it's always been that way. He's made me mellow, or the feelings I harbor for him have really.
Like I said, Chris has noticed that something is wrong. He has definitely noticed that my acid tongue isn't firing his way anymore, and for all these years we've been friends Chris was my frequent target for my barbs. The truth of the matter is he's really the only one spared because when I insult Chris there is absolutely no malice.
Not. A. Drop.
My insults to him have always been empty, maybe even a weird show of love. Obviously it's not the most conventional way to show affection, but with Chris and my dynamic it is. With my change in attitude and different behaviour he's going to realise and put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
I am so terrified that he will figure it out. That one day the facade will fall apart. That he'll see past the mask that I now wear when I'm with him. He'll see my true feelings and our world will be ripped apart and will never be the same again. I'll loose him.
Even through all that, even though I'm on edge when I'm in his company, it still feels like it's where I belong. By his side. It's home. Chris brings light to my shadow. He's like the sunshine in my usual grey, cloudy and miserable sky...I don't want to loose my sunshine. But I know that I will. My feelings for him make me feel like I'm caught in a maelstrom, falling deeper and deeper, with no way out. At least no way out that will make me happy. Either way, the only outcome I can invisage is me loosing Chris.
Deep down though, even though I've tried to tell myself it's not true and that it's just my imagination, I've felt for a while now that he's been slipping away. Slowly but surely, spending less and less time with me, ever since he fell for...her.
The way he talks about her. The way he looks when he's around her. The way his eyes light up when her name is mentioned. It kills me, because I wish it was me that ignited that reaction from him. That it was my name that made his eyes sparkle and his smile bright. But it's not...it's her. I hate her for that!
But what's worse is that she's actually a decent person really. I just can't help the jealousy that boils in my blood. She has the one thing that I can't have. The one thing I want more than anything in this world.
Him.
Over the last year the intensity and ferocity of my feelings toward him have grown, and I've had enough now. Enough of the hiding. The lying. The jealousy. I have to let it out before it eats me alive from the inside. By letting it out, I know I'll be letting him go. Kinda like a double edged sword I guess.
I told myself that I'd walk straight into his bedroom and tell him the truth. End the silence. That was over three hours ago and I'm still sat in the same spot in his living room, staring out the same window.
I've been here before. Recently infact, on the brink of revealing my secret to Chris, and too many times I retreated. Defeated by my fears. But not this time.
I gaze out the window and take one last lingering look at the black sky, realising that the next time that I look out into the night my world won't be the same.
I open his bedroom door quietly, my ears immediately seek out the sweet sound of his breathing as I step inside. I can feel my heart in my mouth. It's thudding, reverberating throughout my whole body, making my legs and arms tremble uncontrollably.
I reach his bed and I can see his hair fallen over one side of his face. I perch on the edge of his bed and sweep his hair from his face. I make sure in that moment to remember how gorgeous, peaceful and innocent he looks right now. I want something to take with me.
Once again my fears are shouting and screaming at me to turn around and get the hell out, but this time I stand firm and refuse to listen. No more cowardice, this time I'm going to be strong.
I run the back of my hand down his cheek softly and slowly. A dreamy sigh escapes his lips and I know this is the moment of truth. No turning back now. I could be moments away from loosing him.
My sky could be eternally grey.
His eyes flicker open, they take mere moments before focussing on me. Those ocean blue eyes that I loose myself in frequently, swept up in their waves, I feel like I'm drowning in them as I forget to breathe.
He sits up, not saying a single word. His eyes on the other hand are a stark contrast, as they are asking me a million and one questions. Before he can ask anything, I begin. That little fraction of my soul that holds my secret from him is about to be laid bare. One final attack by my fears comes at me, but I ignore them. I've come to far to go back now and I take that final leap.
'Chris,...we need to talk'
It's time for my silent admiration to end.
...