Curse the Commission
(by Sailor Taichichi Vegeta)
HoYay and FoeYay are not your friends, Roddy! Well, if you scroll to the bottom at least you'll learn something.
Disclaimer
Hey, hey, Mama, more hot cider!
Hey, hey, Papa, hey, hey, Papa!
I can't forget the taste of that grilled cheese-and-bacon sandwich that nobody wanted to share with me!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,
I'm not Himaruya and therefore own nothing!
Roderich had three things to be thankful for at the moment. The first was that it wasn't raining. That could change at any time, but at least he hadn't been forced to start his day soaked to the bone.
The second was that because of who he was, he probably wouldn't be out here for too long. Of course, because of who he was he also "should have known better" and had to spend a token period like this before he resumed his duties as a nation. He'd never wished so hard before for urgent paperwork.
The third was that Gilbert, who was the cause of this whole mess, was chained up between him and some poor count who was so drunk he had no idea of the trouble he'd gotten into. (On the count's other side was his mistress, a plump redhead who would only look at the ground and sob.) Because of who he was, instead of being sent away like the other foreigners the irritating albino would be punished along with Roderich, and then sent away. His boss had had no idea he'd come here to torment Roderich in the first place, so even though he wouldn't approve, he would probably understand.
"I hate this," griped Gilbert. "I never liked your boss anyway, but this is ridiculous! What's she going to lock people up for next?"
"It doesn't matter what you think," said Roderich. "The law must be respected, no matter our opinions." (He had to keep telling himself that too.)
"This law doesn't deserve any respect. She's insulting our manliness! Well, my manliness." The Prussian continued to complain as a man walked up to them.
"So you were caught too?" he asked, trying and failing to hide his smile.
"So what if we were?" demanded Gilbert.
The man produced a bottle. "There's no need to get angry. I'm on your side." The bottle turned out to be full of good wine, and after he was allowed to drink his fill Roderich thanked him.
Gilbert asked, "Hey, what'd he give you?" Then it was his turn to find out, and he made appreciative noises as he practically drained the thing. When Roderich gave him a disapproving look he jerked his head towards the comatose count and said, "He won't be needing any. No point in wasting it, right?"
Their unexpected ally laughed as he offered a second bottle to the woman and was refused. "I have business to attend to now, but someone else should be along to help you. One of my closest friends is a baker –perhaps he'll pass this way today!"
"Bless you!" Gilbert shouted.
"Be strong, gentlemen!" The man left to go about his day. From time to time another passerby would give them a sympathetic smile or a small bite to eat. Then one young man walked by, scarcely noticing them at first but then doing a double-take.
"Herr Edelstein?" he gasped.
Roderich could barely meet the other's eyes. "…young Wolfgang."
'Young Wolfgang's' shock almost immediately turned to amusement, and he went away giggling. Roderich hung his head, his face unbearably hot.
"What an awful day…"
"What are you complaining about?" snorted Gilbert. "Sure, we're chained up, but they've been giving us free food all day! A crazy punishment for breaking a crazy law, eh, Roddy?"
There was no point in trying to explain anything to this uncultured troublemaker. Roderich resigned himself to suffering in silence, only opening his mouth to thank his citizens (thank goodness nobody else recognized him!) for their kindness. Gilbert amused himself by singing bawdy songs and at one point their companion even joined in, his voice slurred and hoarse. After finishing one particularly dirty song about a horse, the albino smirked and said, "Look, here comes a pretty girl! Maybe she'll know a way to cheer you up."
"That's why we're out here, dummkopf."
"Well, that's not exactly why we're out here–"
"And I don't think she'll cheer either of us up." The girl was Elizaveta, whose face suggested that unlike the well-meaning but mostly clueless citizens, she knew perfectly well why there was only one shame-faced young lady chained next to them.
"So how was it?" she beamed once she'd approached them.
"Awesome!" exclaimed Gilbert.
"Nothing happened," said Roderich at the same time.
"Eh?" The Hungarian's face fell. Of the two, Gilbert was more likely to make things up. "Then what are you two doing here?"
"Because of a misunderstanding."
"Hey, they wouldn't have caught us if you'd let me play."
"Right there! That's what got us into trouble! That attitude, that talk!"
"So it was Gilbert's fault, then."
"Of course it was!"
"Of course it wasn't!"
"Shut up, Gilbert!" She turned to the innocent man. "What happened?"
"I had finished up my work for the day and was about to play my violin when he thought it would be funny to sneak in and take it from me!"
"I was curious. It looked like a nice instrument."
"Then you should have asked to hold it, instead of just shouting about 'splendid firmness' and 'coarse hair'!" The aristocrat knew he was blushing again.
Gilbert laughed in spite of himself. "I didn't know anybody was passing by the room, and I sure didn't know there was a law against doing what comes naturally."
"Didn't you tell them it was an accident?" asked Elizaveta.
"I tried, but they didn't believe me. He was no help."
"Are they going to let you out soon? I mean, if you were gone for too long it wouldn't be too helpful for the country."
"I've been told it won't be for too long. After all, it's like you said…"
"I suppose there's nothing I can do, is there?"
"There's really no helping it… Just go on, I'll be fine."
She squeezed his shoulder and left, ignoring Gilbert's yell of "Bring us some snacks, will you!" Roderich let out a small sigh and leaned against the pillar. Despite the embarrassing punishment for his non-existent infraction, he wasn't as miserable as he'd expected to feel. Maybe it had something to do with his citizens, oblivious as they were, showing solidarity instead of condemnation. It was quite gratifying to an innocent man –not even Gilbert's presence made it very unpleasant.
That changed with the Prussian's next question.
"Hey, Roddy? What are we going to do about bathrooms?"
Once upon a time, Empress Maria Theresa (yup, Austria's boss from when he had to get his war on with Prussia) had a husband who liked to cheat on her. This was another time and another place, so instead of throwing furniture, tearing out the competition's hair/weave or getting a divorce, she created a not-so-secret police whose job it was to eliminate sexy fun times for Vienna's residents. No theatre or home was safe from the Chastity Commission, and anybody who got busted with a non-spouse was chained up outdoors, sometimes for months, with no meals or bathrooms. (Foreigners were relatively lucky, they were just kicked out.) Fortunately for the naughty Viennese, most of their fellow citizens thought the law was a joke and provided them with all the food they needed. Not too sure about how they worked out the potty breaks. Mozart was around during this time and based on what I've read about him I doubt he'd take this too seriously (and you KNOW if Roderich were real they would've played piano together at least once).
(And I don't know why, but the last sentence and Roderich's imagined reaction make me think of a Dexter's Lab episode ending.)