A Confession

[Set before/during 2X20 – In Extremis]

With thanks to SassyJ.

For once, the apartment was full of sunshine. Admittedly, that meant that the mug rings on the coffee table showed, and, if he looked, he suspected, there would be other ample evidence of indifferent housekeeping. Hey – he was a cop – busy caseload, plus… well… the other stuff… when did he have the time to do housework?

It hadn't mattered before, but somehow, now, at the possible end, it did.

The video camera sat on the tripod in the middle of the room, facing his favourite chair. At least he would be comfortable.

When he had done the setup for this, the camera had seemed… harmless. Now, unaccountably, he was… afraid of it. Afraid of what he was about to do.

Stupid. Just a piece of electronics. The whole idea was stupid.

"Get on with this, Lionel." He muttered to himself. "Running outta time here."

Switching the camera on, he settled in the chair. Cleared his throat. Looked at the camera lens. Cleared his throat again.

"Lee…" Fusco took a deep breath. "Kiddo. I'm sorry 'bout this. Something's about to happen, and…" he shut his eyes, swallowed, then forced himself to continue. "They – you know – your mom and… well… everyone really, they probably won't let me see you after it breaks, so…"

Another sigh.

"Lee – they're gonna tell you that I've done some really bad things. And in the past, that was true. I… I loved being a cop in the beginning, but I… well, I fell in with some bad guys. I… I thought I was doin' the right thing…"

He looked away from the camera, then looked back up.

"Nah. I'm not gonna lie. Not to you. Not now. I knew Stills was bent. Knew half the damned precinct was. And I went along with it. What was the harm? I made some extra dough… and did things that I shouldn't. Pretended everything was OK. That everyone was doin' it, so it didn't matter."

His voice was harsh.

"Kiddo – it did matter. I stopped thinking. Just did what I was told. I… well – I'm sure they will tell you all kinds of stuff about what I did. Some of it's true. And I am so, so sorry. I betrayed my oath and … I let you down. I let you and your mom down, and I can never make that up to you."

He swallowed again, then tried to smile.

"The stupid thing is, Lee, that I didn't do this. I didn't kill Stills. He deserved to die. He was a murdering scumbag who hurt a lot of people, and he was shot with my gun. I even know who pulled the trigger. But it wasn't me."

Fusco looked at the camera. Then shook his head.

"I know what you're thinking. If I know who did it, why not turn him in? Save myself? "

He paused again.

"I can't do that, Lee. I just can't. Because the guy that killed Stills saved me. Not from Stills; from the waste of space that I was. I owe him … everything.

I know you won't understand that, and I can't really explain it. Before all of this started, I would have turned him in and then gone for a beer – I'm a different person now – a better person, and what he does is more important than just me."

Another deep breath.

"Truth is…I deserve to be caught. I didn't kill Stills… but I should have. I could have stopped him. Years ago. I could have prevented all the deaths he caused. But I didn't. I was a coward and a dirty cop, and the truth is, someone would have probably killed me, eventually.

Would have done. If my life hadn't changed."

Fusco smiled. It was a wry smile, and gave way to a snort of amusement.

"This guy… I don't actually know his real name. Wouldn't give it to you if I did. No – he would never hurt you – I know that, but you might one day show this to someone and I can't take the risk. Plus, I really don't know who he is. Really.

Yeah, he killed Stills. Probably others. But you know what, Lee… I would put money on the fact that everyone he killed deserved it. Stills certainly did.

I was supposed to be taking him out when he turned my life upside down. Changed everything. I didn't know who he was when he came for me - thought he was like Stills – criminal – looking for a edge – thought I was playing the same game, just for a different boss. Man, in the early days, he scared me. Honestly – thought he was the most dangerous guy I had ever met.

Actually – still do. Just for different reasons now.

I tried to get rid of him. Tried to get him outta my life. Failed. At least twice. He coulda killed me – he had every reason to – but he didn't. So I did what he asked. Information… accessing files… thought at first he was just a new perp on the block. Better dressed. More dangerous than usual, but… just another criminal.

And after a while, figured out that he was helping people. Doing what I hadn't been. Doing what I couldn't do. What no-one except him could do. And somewhere along the line… I bought in.

Something no-one tells you, Kiddo, is that the justice system don't always work. What he was doing – what we were doing – wasn't always legal. But what it was – it was the right thing to do.

He protects people who can't protect themselves – who are in trouble and don't have a way out. And he also protects his friends."

Fusco paused as an ambulance siren echoed down the street outside.

"He's saved my life a bunch of times, I've saved his a few. And helped a lot of other people. I'm proud of that. It doesn't make up for everything wrong I did, but …

He is a friend now. Actually, a really good friend, not that I ever intend to tell him that, but he can't help now… 'cause he doesn't know about this.

I couldn't tell him – would've put him and others in more trouble and… Lee… this… this was my mess. I needed to clean it up, without involving anyone else. And I've screwed up, Kiddo.

He and his friends may be able to get me out of this, in which case you'll never see this tape so I'm not quite sure why I am saying that…

But if they can't pull off another miracle, I just wanted to tell you that I love you, that your dad isn't a dirty cop – not anymore, and that I don't regret what I've done since I moved to the task force.

Detective Carter's good people, and nothing to do with any of this. She doesn't know about Stills or what I did before I joined the team. I…"

Fusco paused again, unconsciously reaching towards the camera.

"Take care of yourself, Lee. Make sure you think before you do something… don't make the mistakes I made…" A watch alarm went off, sounding extraordinarily loud in the otherwise quiet apartment.

"Damn. I wanted more time…" Hesitating, briefly, before making a decision, Fusco got up and switched off the camera and removed and pocketed the data card. "just hope he understands..."

Looking out, what had started as a brilliant, sunny morning was beginning to cloud over, and he hoped that wasn't an omen as he packed the camera away. Losing patience with the tripod, he shoved it into the hall closet.

On the table was an unmarked brown envelope, a plastic SD card protector sitting near the open flap.

Looking around, Fusco reclaimed the SD card from his trouser pocket, and clipped it into the plastic frame, before dropping it into the envelope.

Checking that the brief note he had written the previous evening was still there, he sealed the envelope, addressing it only to 'Mr Good News' before tucking it into his coat pocket. He figured he had just enough time to drop it off in his newly acquired safety deposit box before he went to work.

Maybe this was a stupid idea, he thought, as he went up the precinct steps, but I actually feel better now. Maybe confession really is good for the soul.

Fin