So I haven't uploaded any new chapters in a while. I'm waiting on Tyrian for that, but he's got an awfully large workload at the moment.
I didn't really edit this one. I didn't run it by Tyrian, either. It's mostly written for me to vent out some emotion after a long, "unfair" month. As such, I probably won't continue this unless explicitly demanded by multiple reviewers. I'm fine leaving this as it is, though. And, hey, it also works as a bit of a character study for Aoko, so there's that.
It should be noted that there IS character death in this. If you cannot stand that, you might want to find a more cheerful fanfic. Also that this was not and probably will not be edited anytime in the near future.
It wasn't fair. That thought had been prominent in Aoko's mind throughout the past few weeks. It wasn't fair. Her heart ached for her childhood friend. Poor Kaito… It wasn't fair.
Those weeks ago, she had finally convinced Kaito to go see a doctor. He'd been showing signs of extreme weakness, vertigo, and had lost a significant amount of weight before then. He'd tried to pass it off as just a minor problem, but the longer he put off the visit, the worse he'd gotten. Eventually, he'd reached the point where he could barely stand on his own due to the weakness and dizzy spells.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to leave them—Aoko, his mother, and everyone else… Through the midst of it all, however, Kaito still tried to act like it wasn't anything of importance. He gave them all apologetic smiles when they'd help him eat or move and comment on how it must be a drag to always babysit him… It wasn't fair. Why did it have to be Kaito?
Aoko gave a deep, shuddering breath as one of her hands carded through his hair. Kaito was asleep, as usual, on the couch in the living room of the Kuroba house. It was the most convenient place for him to stay… otherwise he'd risk getting stuck upstairs with little access to food or the bathroom. Not that it mattered, of course. By this point, he couldn't move much on his own. It was a painfully obvious struggle for him to even move to a sitting position.
Kaito slightly leaned into Aoko's hand, giving the girl a somewhat better angle to continue her absentminded motion. He needed to stop doing that… with the way his neck was stretched out, it couldn't be comfortable. With another deep breath, Aoko pulled away from him, hoping the lack of touch would encourage him to return to a more comfortable position.
"…Mm..?" the magician's soft groan was enough to break Aoko's heart. Within a few more seconds, Kaito had fully woken, indigo eyes scanning the room until they found Aoko's own blue ones. "…You okay?"
The question made her wince. No. She wasn't okay… but she should be asking him that question, not the other way around. "I… I'm fine, Kaito," she said, a bit weaker than she'd hoped.
"…You were crying again… weren't you?" Although it was a question, Aoko knew that Kaito already knew the answer to it. An unreadable expression overtook his pale gaunt features before he closed his eyes and sighed. "…I'm so sorry…"
"N-no!" Aoko exclaimed, horrified that he could even think that this was his fault. "I-it's not your fault, Kaito! Please don't think like that!"
He gave a slight smile, but Aoko could see through it. He was just doing what he could to cheer her up, though his eyes… those brilliant eyes, always so full of mischief… all that was left in them was helplessness. He knew it was coming… he knew he wouldn't be around much longer. Knew that every dream, every ambition, every hope, was all for naught. It wasn't fair.
"…I wish there was something I could do to help…" Kaito murmured, turning his head to face the back of the couch. "Instead, I'm…" he gave a slight laugh, though it came off sounding bitter and helpless. After a slight shiver, he burrowed further under the thick blanket Chikage and Aoko had brought down for him.
Placing a hand where she knew his shoulder was, Aoko opened her mouth to say something, but instead, closed it again as she fought back the tears that threatened to fall. Not for the first time, Aoko wondered if this was the right choice. There was little more any of them could do for him… and it felt almost cruel to just let him deteriorate on his own. That was why, no matter how difficult it was, Aoko ensured that she was always there for him. School could wait. Kaito mattered more. She wouldn't leave him alone. He needed someone to pull him through this…
The sound of the door closing drew Aoko's attention. Chikage and her father had entered the house. Chikage gave her a small smile, but anyone could see how forced it was. It wasn't fair. That poor woman had already lost her husband… now Kaito too… Although she tried to avoid letting Aoko or Kaito see, Aoko had caught Chikage taking pills several days ago… Whatever could get her through this… Aoko only hoped Kaito hadn't noticed. He didn't need to know what his mother was going through… not when he was already suffering so much…
Aoko's father had started taking evenings off to keep the two teenagers company and to ensure they had some form of adult supervision. Not that anything would happen, of course. Kaito was well past the point of capability and Aoko was fairly certain he would just wind up injured if she tried anything. Though, when her father wasn't looking, she'd usually give her sleeping friend a brief kiss on the forehead.
It was hard to say what her father thought of everything. He'd been incredibly calm, even after hearing the diagnosis, and had remained that way ever since. He didn't have terribly much to say, but would usually stick around, if only to let Kaito know he was still there for him.
"How's he doing?" Chikage asked. Although Kaito's mother was probably doing her best to keep her voice calm, Aoko couldn't help but hear the note of anxiety in it. Chikage was by Kaito's side before Aoko could properly answer her.
"…Hi Mom…" Kaito mumbled through the blanket. He didn't move to turn toward her, though. He was probably too tired for that.
Chikage knelt down next to him and gave her son a brief, light, one-armed hug. "How are you doing, Kaito? Are you feeling all right?"
Kaito's breathing sounded a little ragged, if only for a moment. "…I'm okay, Mom," he answered quietly, doing his best to return the hug and failing to get his arm out from the depths of the blanket. Instead, he offered a helpless smile in return. "…What were you up to?"
It was a painful interaction to watch, in Aoko's opinion. Both mother and son were doing their level best to keep each other off-topic. Never willing to elaborate too deeply on anything remotely related to Kaito's health. It was hard to stay and listen to the poorly-disguised pain in both of their voices, but Aoko felt obligated to do so. It wasn't fair that they had to go through this.
While Kaito and his mother were speaking, Aoko's father came and placed a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. When she looked up, he nodded toward the kitchen. What did he want in there?
Still, she followed him to the kitchen. It was still disturbingly clean from disuse. Usually when Kaito would get bored, he would tend to experiment with recipes, resulting in disaster and a huge mess…
"Aoko," her father started, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment. "I need you to listen to me very carefully, okay?"
Aoko nodded. "Of course, Dad. What's wrong?"
"We both know how this is going to end," he said softly, but firmly, making Aoko wince. "I never wanted you to have to experience something like this… not this early in life, at least." With another deep breath, he continued, "It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell. You're going to be angry—sometimes with yourself, sometimes with me or Chikage, or even the doctor that gave the diagnosis… and sometimes with Kaito-kun."
"Dad!" Aoko exclaimed, appalled. "There's no way I'd ever blame Kaito for this! I—!"
He silenced her with a sad expression and a slight gesture of the hand. "I'm just speaking from experience. I've been through this a lot in my time. A lot more than I'd like to admit. It's a terrible thing to have to go through…"
"Still!" Aoko argued. "There's no way I'm ever going to blame Kaito for this!"
Her father didn't look so convinced. He gestured for her to sit at the table with him. After taking their seats, he said, tone horribly calm, "You need to let him go, Aoko."
How could he possibly say that?! Let Kaito go? That'd be the same as just leaving him to his fate! That'd be abandoning him! There was no way in hell she'd do that to him! He needed her! "Dad! No!" she yelled, probably too loudly, but she didn't care. "How could you…?!"
"Aoko," he interrupted, still calm. Disturbingly calm. "We're past the point that anyone could help him. Chikage and I have looked. We've made our inquiries, told them all that money wasn't a problem. All of the doctors we've spoken with have said the same thing: he wouldn't survive surgery, and that's about the only thing that could possibly save him at this point."
"We should try it anyway!" Aoko shouted. "He's Kaito! He'll make it through!"
"No, Aoko," her father's words were soft, but firm. "He's only got a good week or so left with us. He doesn't need us scrambling around, pushing him all over creation. He doesn't need us to selfishly cling to him… He needs to know that we'll be okay, even if he's gone." Her father placed a hand over Aoko's. "I've been speaking with him when you and Chikage are asleep," he explained quietly. "He's not all that concerned about his own well-being… he knows he'll be all right… He's a brave kid, for sure." He cut off for a long moment, moving his gaze to the tabletop and taking a deep breath. After what felt like eternity, he said, "Kaito-kun's worried about us. About how we'll continue on without him. Even in the state he's in, he's more perceptive than you'd think. He knows how we're all feeling… knows about how we're trying to cope. He's scared for us, because he knows what a loss this is for us. He's doing his best to look as cheerful as possible so that we won't worry about him so much."
Kaito was worried about them? It shouldn't be that way… They needed to worry about him. He was the one who was… Aoko tried to articulate those thoughts into words, but all that she could do was let out a sob. Her father left his seat and brought her into a hug, letting her bury her face in his shirt. Letting her cry.
When she finally had the capacity to speak again, she whimpered, "I… I don't want to let go…"
Rubbing slow circles into her back, he murmured with a tinge of sorrow, "I know. It's not fair… it's not right. It shouldn't be happening… but it is. It's… probably the hardest thing anyone could ask of you… to make you say goodbye… but if you don't, Kaito-kun won't be able to relax. He'll be anxious and distressed up until the day he finally passes… That's not fair to him, is it?"
Shaking and clinging to her father, Aoko replied, "N-no…"
"Then we need to let him know that we understand. More than anything, he just needs to know how much we love him, and that we'll be all right." Deep down, Aoko knew he was right. But to accept them meant to accept that Kaito would… that Kaito wouldn't be there. That he was going to… going to die. It meant accepting that everything the two of them had always done together—even the most mundane tasks like making meals and walking to or from school… it meant that he wouldn't be there. That he would never again be there. That Aoko would be all alone…
She started to sob again. Her father kept her held close to him, muffling her cries in his chest and gently rubbing her back. They remained like this for a long time… until Aoko felt she had no more tears left to cry. When her father released her, she rubbed at her undoubtedly red and puffy eyes, trying to erase the signs of her tears.
"…How did you get through this when Mom died…?" Aoko asked, still shaken and sad.
He gave a weak smile. "It was hard. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to see anyone… If it hadn't been for my friends, I think I'd still be a mess today." The admission looked to be painful, with his calm demeanor finally falling victim to sorrow. "Even though it's going to be hard, Aoko, I need you to stick with your friends. You don't have to say anything to them about it right away… but please open up to someone about it. We make awful decisions when put under that much stress."
The two remained in the kitchen until Aoko was able to pull herself back together. She splashed some water from the faucet on her face and dried off with an unused cloth. It would be hard… it would be the hardest thing in her life, but she would pull through somehow. Even if it was completely unfair, she would keep trying. For his sake.
After the funeral, she felt completely numb. She wasn't in pain, per se, but she was far from content. True to her father's words, Kaito had been horribly anxious about them all. He'd told her with a smile that he had the easy job, while they had the hard job. He didn't elaborate. He didn't need to.
He'd held on as long as he could, even after they'd been forced to take him back to the hospital. Even after they were all certain he'd never wake up again. Seeing him comatose had been awful. Knowing that the only reason he was still… alive… was because the machines were keeping him stable was horrible. After a lot of deliberation and tears on Aoko's and Chikage's parts, they finally agreed to… to let him go.
Kaito was more stubborn than they'd thought. Even after everything had been disconnected, he'd still held on, if only a little while longer. Whether it was consciously or (more likely) unconsciously, he'd held on until both Aoko and Chikage had assured him that they would be all right. That he could let go. That final flat-line tone would haunt Aoko's dreams for years, of that she was certain.
But, after all of the pain. After all of the challenge and emotional turmoil, it felt like there was nothing else Aoko could feel. She'd cried herself to sleep for weeks until she just couldn't cry anymore.
Eventually, life started becoming routine again. Although she didn't cry anymore, it did nothing to change the cold numbness that had overtaken her. She didn't talk much to the others. Not even to Keiko. They'd all want to talk about it. To talk about him… She wasn't ready for that. Maybe she'd never be. Just as long as no one reminded her of him… so long as she could continue this monotonous existence… she was in hell.
A month or so after the funeral, Keiko dragged Aoko, Hakuba, and Akako to the roof of the school. It was just after classes had ended, which meant there was no longer the option of ducking out of this.
Aoko kept her eyes glued to her feet. The rooftop—any rooftop—was always Kaito's favorite place to be… There was a pang of despair striking her heart. Why did it have to be here? Why couldn't they talk somewhere else?
An arm led her to the far side of the rooftop and guided her into a sitting position. Aoko refused to look at them. Refused to look at this place. Fought tooth and claw against the memories trying to bubble to the forefront of her mind. It was better to feel nothing at all than to feel the agony brought on by memories of him. That's all I have left—memories.
"Aoko-kun," Hakuba's voice started, gently, as if he were afraid she'd break. No, he wouldn't break her. Hakuba didn't have that kind of power. "We are worried about you." It was bit on-the-nose, but she wasn't sure Hakuba could find a phrasing that was any less so.
"Yeah," Keiko chimed in, equally gentle. "You haven't been you since…" she trailed off. It had become taboo, almost, for anyone to mention his name. For anyone to mention what happened. They were all just observers with nothing invested… It almost made Aoko hate them. All of them.
"I don't want to talk about that," Aoko stated, irritable and firm. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to talk about him. He was dead and buried already, wasn't he? There wasn't any reason to keep bringing him up.
"Please, Aoko?" Keiko asked. Well, it sounded more like a desperate plea, but the answer was still no.
Aoko shook her head, keeping her gaze low and balling her hands into fists. Her nails dug into her palm, but she didn't care. The pain was a bit of a distraction. It was better than misery.
"Fine," Akako's voice stated. "But if you think this is helping, then you are a fool."
Aoko winced, but kept silent. They didn't understand what this felt like. They'd never understand. They'd never know the kind of hell that waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, walking to school alone, seeing his empty desk, walking home alone, eating dinner alone, and going to bed without exchanging goodnights put her through. For them, it was a mere absence, but for Aoko, she was certain her heart was ripped out and buried with him. It wasn't fair!
"A-Akako-chan," Keiko started, taken by surprise. "D-don't you think that's a little harsh?"
"No," Akako replied matter-of-factly. "All she is doing is drawing it out. She is making herself miserable… and he is probably unhappy."
It struck her like a blow to the stomach. Was… was she really making him unhappy? Aoko looked to Akako, trying to read her eyes for any sign of deception. Aoko felt sick when she realized that Akako had been serious. Unbidden, she started shaking and clenched her teeth.
"Aoko-chan," Akako started, a look of sympathy coming across her crimson eyes. "It is not just your disaster. He… Kaito… he was everyone's friend, in some capacity. He left an impact on each and every one of us. And… as much as it is hard for me to admit it, he loved you."
The tears started to fall as Aoko's vision got blurry. "That's why I want to forget… why I want to pretend nothing happened… That… that I'd never… never…" she couldn't finish that thought.
Keiko pulled her into a hug. Although a little more awkward, Hakuba and Akako joined in. "But that's not fair to either of you, Aoko," Keiko murmured in the hug. "And… I don't think you'll get any better until you do start talking about Kaito-kun…until you start actively remembering him…"
"Why?" Aoko bit out. "Why? So I can just be miserable forever? So I can curse my bad luck? If… If Dad had just let his mom try the surgery, he could still be here right now!"
"If there were any chance of Kuroba-kun surviving, I believe Nakamori-keibu would have allowed it," Hakuba replied, though his tone was more soothing than anything else.
"It was Kaito, though! He-he could've made it! He-he could be here! And… and I wouldn't have to be alone…" Aoko pulled away from Keiko's embrace and curled in on herself.
"Even Kuroba-kun had limits, Aoko-kun," Hakuba said, though he didn't seem to like it. "As much as we could hope, and as much as we could pray… it would mean nothing if he simply had no chance of survival."
"He was in pain, Aoko-chan," Akako continued. "He could not stay here like that. He would have suffered… would still be suffering, if he were still alive. He is in a better place now. He is no longer in pain."
It was childish and awful, but Aoko shouted it anyway, "But I still am!" That was the root of it all, wasn't it? Even though she'd promised to let him go… she couldn't. And Kaito was probably upset in the afterlife because of her… she was so stupid!
She was pulled into another embrace. Keiko was softly murmuring to her, though Aoko couldn't quite make out the words. The hug was warm. It… it had been such a long time since she'd last felt any kind of warmth inside of herself…
"It's all my fault," Aoko whimpered, once more shaking. "It's my fault…"
"No," came three simultaneous replies.
"You have no idea how happy you two always made each other!" Keiko exclaimed. "I'm sure the years he spent with you were the happiest of his life."
"Aoko-kun," Hakuba added, giving her shoulder a slight squeeze. "Can you honestly say you want to forget him? Do you really want to forget all the time you two spent together?"
"N-no…" Aoko replied, tears still streaking down her face. "It's not fair…" she added weakly.
The detective nodded. "You are right. It was not and is not fair. But... I want to remember him. Because I know that as long as we keep him in our memories, he will never truly die. There is no reason for us to bury him a second time."
The phrasing drew another whimper out of Aoko. Why? Just why did he have to say that? She… she wasn't burying him again! The first time had been hard enough! Why would she even dream of doing it again, even if it were only metaphorically this time around?
There was little else said. Aoko had received a text from her father, asking her to come home soon, and jumped at the chance of escape. They were wrong. It was her fault. He was… Kaito was dead and it was entirely her fault. She should've convinced him to see the doctor earlier… she should've dragged him there at the first sight of something off. Maybe he would've been able to survive if she'd only been smarter. The thought made her feel sick to her stomach. Maybe she was the one that deserved to die. It was still a correctable mistake. There was something she could do about that.
She didn't have to go home at all. The thought made her pause in the middle of the sidewalk. She didn't have to be alone anymore. It… it would just take one shot if she did it right. She'd… she'd be able to see Kaito again. She could apologize for upsetting him and everything would be better. It's just one shot.
With that thought in mind, she stopped by a general store. There were certain chemical reactions caused by common household cleaners, or even combinations of medications that could do the trick. She just had to commit to one.
"O-oi," a voice—too familiar—called out. With quick steps the source ran over to her. "Be careful if you're buying those cleaners," Kaito's voice cautioned. "They produce toxic gas when combined."
Aoko couldn't help but look. Maybe this was all a joke. Maybe Kaito was standing right next to her. Maybe he never left. What met her eyes was a boy startlingly similar—but definitely not Kaito. He was wearing nicer clothes than Kaito ever bothered with, his hair lacked Kaito's distinctive fringe, and his eyes were a deep azure, as opposed to Kaito's indigo. No, this person was just a doppelganger that shared Kaito's voice.
The pain came back threefold, and with it, her desire to continue as planned. Because Kaito was still dead. It was still her fault.
"…I know," Aoko finally replied to Not-Kaito.
The lookalike blanched slightly. In a voice that was purposefully monotonous, the stranger said, "Why would you want to do something like that?" So he knew what she was planning? It wasn't like he was going to stop her. She failed Kaito before, but she wouldn't again.
"…Why does it matter?" she asked, voice quiet, but with an edge to it. He had no reason to butt in on this wearing Kaito's face like that!
"It matters because life is sacred," the stranger said, breaking free from the monotone and moving toward a more sympathetic tone. "Don't you have friends or family? What would this do to them?"
"What does it matter?!" Aoko snapped, throwing her supplies to the ground in a fit of anger. "He did the same thing! Everyone was basically cheering him on!" The tears started to fall again.
"Hey now," the stranger said. That voice was too similar! It was driving her insane! Why wouldn't he shut up and leave her to her fate?! "What happened? Could you please tell me?" That prying asshole!
"Just shut up and leave me alone!" Aoko yelled at him, tears freely streaming down her face. "Don't you get it? It's my fault he's dead! I need to apologize! I need to… She's taking pills and Dad's busy and they don't understand! Nobody understands! And you! You look just like him!"
The stranger placed a hand on her shoulder and knelt down next to her. Funny, Aoko didn't remember sitting down. Not-Kaito searched his bag for a moment before handing her a tissue. She took it and dabbed at her eyes. He waited until she'd gotten her breathing under control before doing anything else. His eyes were full of sympathy.
"Would you mind telling me about it?" he asked again, more gently this time. He offered her a hand and she took it. "I'm supposed to meet someone soon, but it'll be all right. She'll understand."
Feeling a pang of guilt, Aoko said, "N-no… it's okay. I… I'm okay. You don't need to make them wait…"
"If you'd like, the two of us can go meet her. We were planning on trying out one of the café's around here." Why did this guy care? Why did Not-Kaito care so much?
"I… I don't want to inconvenience you two…" she murmured, rubbing her arm.
"It'll be okay. Ran always enjoys extra company," Not-Kaito said, offering her a smile. A genuine smile. It… it wasn't his smile… but it was warm. It was magnetic. With a laugh, he added, "She says company helps keep me from 'fanboying' over Sherlock Holmes and Conan Doyle. It wouldn't be an inconvenience to us."
"I… I guess I'll come," Aoko murmured, wincing as she realized her hand was still in his.
"Great," Not-Kaito gave that smile again. "Ah, by the way, my name's Kudou Shinichi. Nice to meet you, Miss…?"
"…Nakamori Aoko," Aoko replied, still quiet and unsure. She had probably heard his name somewhere before, but honestly, she couldn't motivate herself enough to remember where.
Within a few minutes, the two of them were walking toward the café. Aoko had decided to abandon her items, as Kudou-kun seemed unlikely to let her purchase them. The walk wasn't silent. For the third time, Kudou-kun asked her about what had happened.
This time, she answered. "M-my best friend… he… he died… a month ago…" she murmured, doing her best to avoid breaking down and sobbing on the sidewalk. It hurt too much to talk about him.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Kudou-kun said, polite and yet… understanding? He gave her hand a slight squeeze, and Aoko realized that he'd never quite let her go yet. "If you don't mind me asking, what was his name? What happened to him?"
Aoko gave a slight sniffle. "He… His name is… w-w-was… K-K… Kuroba… Kaito…" Just saying his name felt like a thousand arrows to the heart. Kudou-kun pulled her over to the side, allowing others to pass them as he moved them to a more private part of the sidewalk.
"You don't need to answer the last part, Nakamori-san," Kudou-kun said, rubbing her hand with his thumb. "That was pretty insensitive of me to ask." He was giving her an out.
"N-no…" Aoko mumbled, grateful for Kudou-kun's attention. "He… I… I don't remember the name of it… but he… he got sick… it… it came out of nowhere… The doctors… they said his only hope was surgery… but… by the time… by the time any of us knew he was that sick…"
Kudou-kun nodded in understanding. Again, he murmured, "I'm so sorry for your loss. He must've been a pretty great guy."
Aoko nodded. "K-Kaito was… he was the best… We… we always did… we did everything together…and now… now he's…" she couldn't finish that thought. Instead, the tears that she'd kept suppressed for that long month finally resurfaced in whole. She was a sobbing mess, she knew. But Kudou-kun didn't seem to mind. He stayed by her side until she was calmed enough to stand.
His deep azure eyes held nothing short of sympathy. He understood. He didn't condemn her like the others. Aoko wished Kudou-kun could've been Kaito. They had more than looks in common, it seemed. Both of them radiated warmth and both were compassionate.
With a sorrowful smile, Kudou-kun asked, "And could you tell me more about the others you were mentioning? Like who was taking pills?"
"O-oh!" Aoko squeaked. She'd forgotten she'd said those things… "K-Kaito's mom… When he was sick… she started taking them… I'm pretty sure they're anti-depressants…and she's getting treatment now…"
Kudou-kun looked relieved to hear that and gave a nod. "And what about your dad?"
Aoko winced. "Dad… he took all of his time off when Kaito was… was sick… and the funeral… I… I know he can't take any more time off… it's not his fault…" Even if it meant she was left alone most of the time. Chikage stayed in the hospital for her depression, after all…
"What about your mother or his father?" Kudou-kun asked. "Are they around?"
Aoko gave a sad, but amused smile. "No… Kaito's dad died a long time ago. So did Mom… Kaito and I… we were always left alone, so… so we always hung out… we always… always did everything together… but he's gone now…" And she was left alone. She deserved it. She didn't help him when he needed it.
Aoko's phone buzzed at her. Her dad was wondering where she was. It shouldn't have taken that long to get home, right? It was probably wrong, but she sent him a text saying that she decided to stay with a friend for dinner. She wasn't quite ready to leave Kudou-kun.
Though he obviously noticed, Kudou-kun didn't comment on it. Aoko was infinitely grateful for that. Instead, he checked his phone and gave a slight laugh. "I guess Ran's wondering where I am. Think we can make it there?"
Aoko nodded. He was still gently holding her hand. Leading without force. It was bizarre, to say the least. Why was this doppelganger so much like him? Had they met before?
The café was small, but it had a soothing atmosphere. Soft music played in the background and the inside was lit by sunlight, more than by artificial light. Plants of all kinds decorated the interior. Thankfully, there weren't too many people around.
Kudou-kun led her to a table occupied by a girl that looked strikingly like Aoko. It was a bittersweet thought, that their doppelgangers, at least, could enjoy life together.
"Sorry I'm so late, Ran," Kudou-kun apologized sheepishly. "This is Nakamori Aoko-san. I met her on the way here and decided to invite her. Nakamori-san, this is Mouri Ran."
Although seemingly puzzled at first, Ran-san seemed to understand the situation pretty quickly. Aoko must look like a mess… "Nice to meet you, Aoko-san," Ran-san said in a voice that sounded fairly similar to her own.
It was jarring, upsetting, and oddly comforting to be around Kudou-kun and Ran-san. The two of them got along just like she and Kaito had. They were quick to pick up on anything left unsaid by the other and yet, they still joked around and teased. Of course, the two of them made sure to keep Aoko involved in their conversations.
Ultimately though, the conversation swung back to Aoko's not-quite-attempted-actions back at the store. "I… my friends tried to talk to me earlier today… they said that I was making Kaito upset… that I was trying to… to bury him twice…" Even repeating it left her feeling sick. "I… I started thinking… thinking more about it… and… and I… it's my fault he's dead…"
Ran-san seemed to be taken aback. "No, Aoko-san," she soothed. "It's not your fault, honest, it's not."
"I… I noticed he was getting sick… and I… I didn't do anything… I didn't do anything until he… until it was too late to save him… It's my fault… I should've paid closer attention… I thought he would get better… I should've convinced him… I should've forced him to see a doctor… Maybe if I did… maybe he could've gotten that surgery… maybe… maybe he'd still be here…" She knew she was crying again. It didn't matter as much. It didn't hurt as much as before. Was this what her dad had meant…?
"You couldn't have known," Kudou-kun reasoned.
Ran-san gave her a hug and continued murmuring soothing words. It felt so warm… so pleasant, so good, to be here. To be with them. To know that they… in some way or another, understood.
It had taken yet another month—two since the funeral—but Aoko was finally there, in the place she'd dared not tread. Shinichi-kun and Ran-chan were with her. The two of them had become important, irreplaceable friends within that month. They'd worked her through the worst of her depression and guilt, and given her some small hope for the future. Today, they had finally convinced her to visit Kaito.
Aoko fidgeted. She wasn't sure what to do. What if he couldn't hear her? What if he didn't want to hear her? What if he was upset that she never came by? The questions plagued her mind, making her afraid to speak up.
Neither of her friends pushed her to speak. They stayed near, but didn't pressure her. It was something she didn't have in her group of friends from Ekoda. They were all good people and good friends, but they tended to be a bit pushier and a lot blunter about things. It was good to know she could progress at her own pace. It meant the world to her that they let her.
She didn't know how to start and she didn't know what to do. But she took in a deep breath to steady herself and knelt down next to the gravestone. Aoko placed a hand on the cold stone marker and murmured, "Hi, Kaito… I… I'm sorry I didn't visit you earlier…" It was a weak start, but even that let her feel confident enough to continue. "I've really missed you, you know? And, I almost did a lot of stupid things. But, I'm getting better, I think. Things are… well, not normal, but they're starting to become routine again. Dad's back to his normal hours and your mom's out of the hospital. And… I'm back in school, of course." She continued like this for a while, recounting the events of the past couple of months to her childhood friend, who she knew was listening.
Ran-chan and Shinichi-kun, bless their hearts, remained near. They knew this was an extremely personal event and they were so kind about it. So understanding.
After about an hour, Aoko had finished recapping the past two months. Before she left, however, she wanted to say a couple of important things.
"Thank you so much for being my friend, Kaito. I was blessed to have met you. I hope you'll forgive me for being so selfish… I really was a jerk to you… I still can't believe I made everything about myself. I… I know you're in a better place. I know you're not in pain anymore. I'm pretty sure I'll always miss you, but I know I'll have to wait to see you again. But I promise, one day, we'll definitely meet again. I'll do my best to visit more often and tell you all the things I've seen and done. I love you, too."