On the top floor of the South Campus, at the end of the north corridor, in unused Music Room 3, the Ouran High School Host Club, a place where gorgeous and rich young men with too much time on their hands entertain equally as rich (although not necessarily quite as gorgeous) young women who *also* have too much time on their hands, holds court. Today, however, as we join our hero, our heroine, and their homo side characters – I-I mean, amazing supporting cast, we find that business is rather on the slow side, this lovely, snowy afternoon.
"Boooooooosssss," Hikaru whined from the couch. "I'm bored! If no one's showing up today, can't we just go home?"
"Yeah, sempai, I second that request," Haruhi said. "I'd like to get home too. Although I wonder where all the girls are," she wondered, surveying the empty room. "Was there some sort of event going on today that we didn't know about?"
Tamaki brought his thumb and forefinger up to cup his chin in a dramatic thinking pose as he pondered this. "This is a very good question, Haruhi. I don't see how we could have missed an event, but I do suppose it may be possible." He suddenly whirled around, and pointed toward Kyoya.
"Kyoya!" he exclaimed. "Quickly, run a -,"
"No need to ask, I already have," the dark haired teen replied. "There are no special events scheduled for today."
"Maybe everyone went home early so that they could make sure everything's ready for them to go away for Christmas," Hunny suggested between impossibly large bites of cake. "It is the Friday before winter break, you know."
"Yeah," Mori grunted.
"Fine," Tamaki said, crossing his arms across his chest and spinning around. "We don't need guests to have a good time before break! I have an idea." He spun around again and whipped his head and another pointing finger, this time at Haruhi, who gulped. The expression on his face was not the most comforting. "Haruhi," he declared loudly, "you shall put this on!" Out of no where, he suddenly produced a frilly pink dress, complete with lace, and flowers, and obscene amounts of bows.
There was a brief moment of silence where she simply stared at him blankly for a moment, and then she replied in the following way: "No way in Hell, sempai." And with that, she proceeded to stick her nose back into the book she had been reading.
"WHY NOT?" Tamaki shouted, flailing his arms around and marching up to her. "WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS REJECT DADDY'S ATTEMPTS TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKE A GIRL!? DADDY WANTS YOU TO WEAR GIRL'S CLOTHES!"
"Oh, give it a rest, boss," Kaoru said, dragging him away from the poor, harassed girl. "I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today. If she doesn't want to wear it, she doesn't want to wear it. Now, here," he said pushing the struggling and still shouting blonde onto the other couch. "Take this, and shut up already, will you?" He shoved a small, square, red electronic box into the older boy's hands.
Tamaki stared down at the little contraption for a minute, immediately quieting, before asking, "What is this?"
The twins rolled their eyes. "You mean you've never seen a Game Boy before?" Hikaru snorted. "And that's and SP, too. It's like, the earliest model."
"Geez, boss, I bet even Haruhi's seen one of these," Kaoru agreed, ignoring her indignant expression. "Here," he said, taking it back and sitting down next to him. "It flips open like this," he explained, demonstrating, "and turns on like this, and this is how you play."
Kaoru took Tamaki through all the steps to work the Game Boy, teaching him how to play the game that was in there – this would be Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town – and then handing it back after he'd gone through all the basics. "Got it? Now, play the game, and entertain yourself…quietly."
Oh, Kaoru, if only you had realized then the mistake you had made.
As soon as he left the couch, the room became abnormally quiet, for the Host Club King was completely absorbed in this simple little farming game. The only sounds in the room were those of clicking buttons, typing keys, turning pages and munching cake. Anyone looking for the Host Club would have thought that they had stumbled upon the wrong room.
Eventually, Hikaru stretched and turned around, so he could look at Haruhi, who was sitting over by the window. "So, Haruhi, what are your plans for Christmas?"
Everyone looked over at her, with the exception of Kyoya, and…Tamaki!? Yes it seemed that the video game in his hand had prevented him from noticing the question about Haruhi's commoner's Christmas. The others, however, seemed intrigued.
"Yes, tell us, Haru-chan!" Hunny gushed, bouncing up and down in his chair, clutching Bun-Bun excitedly.
Kaoru nodded. "Yeah, I was wondering how your family spends Christmas."
"Uh, well," Haruhi said uncomfortably, setting down her book. "Dad and I take the train out to Osaka to visit my grandparents and my aunts and uncles and stuff."
"Osaka?" Hikaru asked.
"What's that like?" his twin put in.
"Well, uh…" Haruhi began to regale them with tales of past Christmases with her family, and even Kyoya was paying attention now. But Tamaki still was completely engrossed in his Harvest Moon farm. He was entirely oblivious to the story being told and no one even noticed.
Soon after, by mutual decision, it was declared time to depart, and in ones and twos, the club members trickled out, leaving only the two second years.
Kyoya snapped his laptop shut, and stood, with the full intention of leaving himself, when he spotted the other boy, still sitting on the couch, immersed in that ridiculous game. He sighed.
"Tamaki," he said, tapping the other's shoulder.
Tamaki jumped in surprise. "What? What is it? Where is everyone?"
His friend rolled his eyes. "They all left, you big oaf, and if you don't do so as well, you're going to be trapped here all of break."
"Oh." Tamaki got to his feet, slipping the little device into the pocket of his trousers. "Merry Christmas, Kyoya," he called vaguely over his shoulder as he left. The brunette shook his head wearily at his idiotic friend.
***
A pleasant Christmas was had by all, and with the New Year came a new term, and with a new term came the Host Club! It was a normal –
"What's wrong with Tamaki?"
Oh dear. It seems I have spoken too soon.
For inside, instead of, as per usual, several clusters of wealthy girls being entertained by the boys (and one cross-dressing female), with Tamaki's performance stealing the show, everyone – guests and hosts alike – were gathered around the window, watching something. On closer inspection it proved to be none other than our dear Tamaki Suoh, sitting on the window seat, fingers clicking madly away at the little red Game Boy SP that Kaoru had given him before Christmas.
"Is he all right, Kyoya-sempai?" Haruhi muttered to him.
Kyoya sighed and pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose. "Apparently he's barely put that thing down since Kaoru gave it to him. Shima, the house keeper at the Suoh second estate, which is where Tamaki lives, called me soon after break started to ask if I knew why he was acting so strangely."
"Well, I admit that blowing off people to obsessively play a video game is odd behavior for him, but is it really that much of a concern that you have to go calling people to check and see if he's okay?" Haruhi asked, frowning.
"I thought the same thing, until she told me he was shouting at it."
She blanched. "Shouting?"
Kyoya nodded. "If I recall correctly, it seems he was shouting something along the lines of 'Popuri! Why won't you accept my gifts!? You should be begging me for them, and yet I give them to you freely! Don't reject them!'"
"You're kidding," she said flatly. Even playing a video game, he was still the same obnoxious, full-of-himself, idiot that he was in real life.
"I don't kid," Kyoya said. "Then she told me he started crying."
"What!?"
He nodded again. "Yes, and he said something like, 'No matter what I do, my cow is still angry with me.'"
"Wow, I'm beginning to regret giving that game to him," Kaoru remarked, coming up with his twin in tow.
"Yeah," Hikaru agreed. "I mean, Kaoru and I get a little crazy, playing that game – I mean, it's really addicting – but we've never had a reaction this strong."
"Yes, well, please take into account that this is Tamaki we're talking about," Kyoya stated. "Everything he does, he does obnoxiously, and the whole nine yards."
Hunny nodded. "Tama-chan really does like to do things over the top, doesn't he?"
Haruhi sighed exasperatedly, watching Tamaki jump a little and chew on his tongue in concentration. "Don't you think we should do something?"
Kyoya surveyed her over his glasses. "And what exactly do you suggest we do?"
"Well, we could try talking to him, for one," she said, gently pushing her way through the crowd of guests. "Excuse me, ladies," she said with a charming smile.
"Is Tamaki all right?" one asked worriedly.
"Is he having a break down?" another said.
Haruhi laughed. "No, no, no, he's fine. He's just a little distracted today. You'll have to excuse him." She sat down next to said distracted male. "Sempai," she whispered, "snap out of it! We have guests! You can play later!"
Tamaki looked up, blinking, and for a minute she thought she'd succeeded. That was, until his eyes filled with tears and he burst out "MY CHICKENS ALL HATE ME, HARUHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!"
Haruhi jumped at the unexpected reaction, and the blonde continued to sob. "NO MATTER WHAT I DO, THEY STAY ANGRY WITH MEEEE!!!" And then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped, and he straightened up with his face set in determination. "No matter! I shall continue to try! They will love me eventually, just like Popuri will!" With that, he went back to the game, and everyone stared at him, with the exception of Haruhi, who was thrown backward with the force of being struck with the metaphorical Fail Arrow.
And so, plan Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon was born. The members of the Host Club could not stand to see their King neglect his duties any longer, so they developed a plan to stage an intervention that was so obnoxious and over the top that it would make Tamaki proud – were he to be aware of its existence, that is. Because, really, what better therapy is there than the taste of your own medicine?
Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon; Plan A:
"Is this really necessary?" Haruhi asked as she was shoved into the heinous pink dress that had started this mess in the first place.
"Yes," Hikaru said. "It's because you wouldn't wear this dress that Tamaki originally freaked out, causing Kaoru to give him the game."
"Yeah," Kaoru agreed. "If you'd just played along to begin with, none of this would have happened."
"Don't you try to pin this on me!" she protested.
"Listen, Haru-chan," Hunny said. "Tama-chan really wanted to see you in this dress, so maybe if you wear it, he'll get distracted and quit playing!"
"Yeah," Mori grunted.
Haruhi sighed. Gee, Mori-sempai, thanks a lot, she thought. My one hope of protest dashed to pieces. "Fine," she said.
She stomped out into the club room and stood in front of Tamaki. "Uh, sempai?" she asked uncomfortably. "I'm wearing that dress you wanted."
He didn't so much as look up, just kept clicking away. "HAHA! YES!" he shouted suddenly. "LEVEL 20 OF THE MINE!!!"
Haruhi fell into what is now famously known as the Nekozawa-Phail position, while the twins scoffed. "He's only on level 20?" Kaoru asked.
"What a loser. We've gotten down to level 100 before," Hikaru agreed.
Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon; Plan B:
"Sempai!" Haruhi said, running over to the window where Tamaki STILL hadn't moved from. "The twins are being rude to the guests!"
And, indeed, that was what was happening. Over in the far side of the club room, Hikaru and Kaoru were blowing off the guests, teasing them, and being inexcusably mean. One girl had even burst into tears.
This had no effect whatsoever, and Haruhi trudged back to the twins.
"No luck," she said glumly, plopping down on the couch.
The redheads gave a simultaneous sigh, and Hikaru said, "Thanks for playing along anyway, girls."
Kaoru nodded. "Yes, you're acting was wonderful."
"Not as wonderful as yours, though, Kaoru," Hikaru whispered seductively.
"Oh, Hikaru," Karou replied, blushing shyly. The girls all squealed with delight and Haruhi face-palmed.
"Not helping, you two," she muttered.
Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon; Plan C:
"Why is it that I seem to be the one all of these plans are centered around?" Haruhi asked after the new plan was revealed.
"Because the boss responds to you the easiest," Hikaru said.
"Yeah, he can't resist his 'little girl,'" Kaoru added.
"He's done a pretty good job of it so far," Haruhi muttered.
"Just go!" they hissed together, shoving her forward.
She sighed. "Sempai? There's a sale at the supermarket today, and I know how much you loved it the last time you went, so, do you want to go with me?"
"HAHA! YES! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID STRAY!! MY ANTOINETTE'S TWICE THE DOG YOU'LL EVER BE, AND SHE'S ONLY A PUPPY!!!"
Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon; Plan D:
"Sempai!!!!" Haurhi whisper-shouted, dashing up to him. "Hunny-sempai's fallen asleep, but we can't find Bun-Bun! You have to help us find him before he wakes up! Who knows what Hunny-sempai will do when he finds we've lost him!"
"NOOO!!!!" Tamaki shouted, throwing up his arms in despair. "I LOSTTTTTTTTT!!!!"
She stomped back over to where the other members were surrounding the couch where Hunny was pretending to sleep. There was no need to report the failure of the mission.
Hunny immediately sat up, tears welling up in his eyes. "Can I have Bun-Bun back now?" he whimpered.
Mori handed the stuffed rabbit back to him and he squealed with happiness, hugging the bunny close.
Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Honestly, what if he looked over right now? He'd know we were faking."
Break-Tamaki-of-His-Addiction-to-Harvest-Moon; Plan E:
Kyoya had had enough. He walked over and forcefully ripped the Game Boy from Tamaki's hands. "HEY!" the blonde shouted, trying to grab it back.
The glasses-clad teen pushed him back down and snapped the SP in half so that the screen was now a separate piece. He handed it back.
Tamaki burst into tears. "KYOYA!!! HOW COULD YOUUUUU!!!" he cried.
"It was for your own good, you fool," he said walking away.
The others stared at him. "W-wait," Haruhi said. "Why didn't we try that in the first place?"
"Because I thought it would be amusing to watch you all fail so many times," he said nonchalantly. "Oh, by the way, Kaoru, I do apologize about breaking your SP."
Kaoru blinked. "Uh, that's okay. It was an early model, anyhow."
They all looked over at Tamaki, who was now sulking in his Corner of Woe.
Haruhi sighed, and put aside her irritation at the Shadow King, and walked over to Tamaki.
"Sempai?" she asked gently, crouching down and putting a hand on his shoulder. "There really is a sale at the supermarket this week. You can come if you want."
There was a beat of silence, in which she thought he was going to ignore her again, but then he sprang up joyously and glomped her. "HARUHIIIIII!!!!" he shouted, spinning her around and around. "YOU'RE SO GOOD TO DADDY!!! DADDY IS SO EXCITED TO WATCH YOU GO SHOPPINGGG!!!!"
"GYAHHHHH!!!!" she yelled, struggling to get free. "NEVER MIND, I TAKE IT BACK!! SEMPAI LET GOOOOOO!!!
Ah, alls well it ends well, I guess. Finally, the Host Club King is back to normal, and everything is as it should be. This just goes to show you though, that you should never, EVER, under any circumstances, give Tamaki Suoh a video game.
"MORI-SEMPAI!!! HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
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A/N: Hello all! It's been a while since I've done a fan fiction, and I've never done a Host Club one before, so I'm rather excited about this! 8D Now, there are some things I'd like to address. Firstly, the spelling of Kyoya's and Hunny's names. As far as I can recall, this is how they spelled them in the manga, so that is how I spelled them. The same goes with Hunny's stuffed rabbit. I realize that in the anime, it's name is Usa-chan, but in the manga it's Bun-Bun, which is why I used that. And as for the term 'Nekozawa Phail,' my friend Abby and I coined that phrase in reference to the position Nekozawa takes in Episode 11 after he scares away Kirimi during his "Handsome and Princely Big Brother" training. XD If you are unfamiliar with that position, go to YouTube and watch that episode thuslyyyyy!!!! Ah-hem, anyway, thank you for reading, and reviews are craved immensely. 8D