A/N: Ok, so I know that this would never actually happen in real life, considering Edward's much more responsible (or so it seems. lol) and vampires don't drink alcohol. This is why it would probably be labeled as a Crack!fic But my friends laughed their asses off at this concept so I decided to write it. So, on with what happens when Edward gets wasted on his birthday! XD Um... ok, so the 'songs' are 'Shoes" and "Let Me Borrow That Top" by Kelly. And the songs are Blood" by My Chem and "Dominated Love Slave" by Green Day

DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns all except songs. Those belong to Liam Sullivan, Green Day, and My Chemical Romance

Edward's one hundred seventh birthday was coming up and Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice were busy trying to decide what to do for him while he was with Bella, not paying attention to their thoughts.

"What about getting him wasted?" Emmett suggested.

Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie looked at him in disbelief.

"What the fuck have you been smoking?" Alice demanded.

Emmett got a confused look on his face. "I don't remember..."

Suddenly Alice had a vision. When it ended, she looked at Emmett, grabbed his shoulders, and shook him while saying, "You. Are. A. Genius!"

"What did you see?" Jasper asked suspiciously.

Alice started laughing, thinking about what she had seen. It took her a few minutes to be able to speak again. She managed to say this: "We're taking Bella and Edward to a karaoke bar."

The others blinked at her. Her blank face was back. Suddenly she said, "Shit. He's coming back. Think about something else!"

They all let their thoughts drift to randomness.

Edward walked through the front door of the mansion with Bella. For reasons unknown, he knew something weird was going on. He focused on Emmett's thoughts.

'I like cheeeeeeeeeeeese!' Emmett was thinking happily. (A/N: I like cheese too, Emmett! XD)

Edward shook his head. That didn't do any good and made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He focused on Rosalie's thoughts next.

She was thinking, 'I'm so hot.'

Edward stifled a laugh and moved onto Alice. She was thinking, 'Oooooh! Shiny!!!!'

Edward rolled his eyes at that and focused at last on Jasper. He had the weirdest and longest thoughts of them all. He was singing "Dominated Love Slave" by Green Day in his head... 'I wanna be your dominated love slave. I wanna be the one who takes the pain. You can spank me when I do not behave. Mack me in the forehead with a chain...'

Edward simply blinked at that and muttered, "What the fuck...?"

"What'd you hear?" Bella asked suspiciously.

He looked at her. "You don't wanna know."

At the bar

"A bar? You took me to a bar?" Edward asked angrily. "What's the point! We don't drink!"

"We don't drink," Alice said, indicating her, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Bella. "But you're gonna be the one drinking tonight. We wanna see you drunk!"

Bella giggled. "This should be interesting."

Fifteen minutes, they all sat at a table, Edward with a beer in front of him. He glared at it, as if it were the reason he was being forced to drink tonight.

Emmett said, "So, Edward, I dare you to drink it."

"There's no way in hell that I'm gonna drink that!" Edward protested.

Bella cleared her throat. "Fine. Edward, I dare you to drink the beer."

Edward eyed her. He knew Alice had made her say it. But he picked up the cup and drained it anyway.

Being a vampire, alcohol affected Edward much differently than any human. He immediately felt buzzed. "Hey get me another beer," he slurred.

After only three, count 'em, three beers, Edward was totally wasted.

He looked around at everyone at the table, laughing his ass off, and staring unfocused at everyone else. "I gonna do karaoke," he slurred.

"Go for it," Alice said, stifling a giggle. "And here. Wear this." She rummaged around in her tote bag and produced a bunch of clothes that she took from the Halloween trunk at the Cullen mansion. Emmett dragged Edward into the bathroom and when they came out, Edward was dressed (badly) as a girl: miniskirt, pink shirt, and shiny pleather jacket, complete with a blond wig, striped tights, black platform heels, and thick rimmed glasses... he was Kelly.

The music started and he started singing, "Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Ohmygod shoes. Shoes. Let's get some shoes. Let's get some shoes. Shoes."

Bella was silent for an entire minute before she starting cracking up.

When his song was done, Edward stumbled back to table. He looked at Bella. "That's a cute top. Let me borrow it." He was still talking like Kelly. Well, more like slurring. And he was swaying on the spot.

Bella looked down at her shirt. It was black and said, 'I was having a nice day until you showed up.' She looked back at Edward. "No!"

"Let me borrow that top!"

"No! This is my fucking favorite shirt!"

Everyone else was cracking up. Emmett said, "I think it's time to go." He grabbed Edward's arm and dragged him out to the car.

Emmett kept looking back at Edward while he drove. Edward was sitting in the back, telling Bella, who was up front, "That's a cute top. I wanna borrow it. Let me borrow that top!"

"No!" Bella said.

"Aren't we friends? Let me borrow that top!"

Bella rolled her eyes.

Edward shut up for a minute and thirty seconds exactly before he started singing again.


Well they encourage your complete cooperation,
Send you roses when they think you need to smile.
I can't control myself because I don't know how,
And they love me for it honestly, I'll be here for a while.

So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough.
So give them blood, blood, blood.
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood!

A celebrated man amongst the gurneys.
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck.
The doctors and the nurses they adore me so,
But it's really quite alarming cause I'm such an awful fuck. (Oh thank you!)

I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff,
I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough.
I gave you blood, blood, blood,
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love!

Everyone stared at Edward after that. Alice opened her mouth to say something before Edward once again told Bella, "Let me borrow that top, betch!"

Emmett parked the car in the garage. "Thank God, we're home!"

Bella got out and Edward immediately followed. She started running. He ran faster (I never said he was running in a straight line either), telling her once again, "Let me borrow that fucking top!"

After she declined several more times, Edward just decided to tackle Bella instead. Alice gasped and rescued a hysterical Bella from Edward's insanity. She looked at Edward. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He didn't answer. He was swaying on the spot, eyes looking unfocused. Alice looked at him worriedly. "Edward? Are you okay?"

He collapsed on the spot.

Emmett walked over, bent down, and poked Edward's ribcage. He looked up. "He's passed out."

Jasper came over to the small group gathered on the front lawn. "Shouldn't we get him into the house?"

Alice, Bella, and Emmett looked at each other. "Nah. Let's just leave him."

Emmett, Bella, Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie walked into the house.

The Next Morning

Edward's eyes cracked open and he immediately cringed at the bright sunlight that hit his face. He sat up slowly, observing his surroundings. He couldn't remember what happened last night.

He looked down at himself. He was wearing girls clothes and when his hands flew to his head, he discovered a blond wig.

He took another look around and realized he was sitting on the front lawn of his house. Esme was making her way over to Edward.

He looked up at her as her shadow fell over him. "What happened?" He asked groggily.

She crossed her arms and didn't look pleased. All she said was, "Edward... you're grounded."

"Aww!" Edward whined. The one thing he did remember was that Alice had set all of this up. "Stupid Alice," he murmured, before passing out again.