Disclaimer: All material that is recognisable as being connected to ER belongs to the writers of the show and the various powers that be.
Author's Note: I had this idea ages ago, and haven't really had the time to finish it off, but it seems to have come together these last couple of days, so here you go. It takes place after Ray and Neela's "because you're screwing him" argument which I think took place in the episode A House Divided last season, although I'm not a hundred per cent certain that's the right one. Still, I daresay you know which I mean. It kind of feels a little out of date these days, but I found it on my laptop and thought I might as well finish it off and let it loose on you. And note the rating – as with all my M rated stories – M for a reason folks. This is one for the angst monsters among you.
Power Cut
Neela was still fuming, absolutely seething with anger, when she hit the button – a little too violently – for the elevator to take her back upstairs. As always, it seemed to take forever, and she stood there tapping her foot impatiently.
How dare he? How bloody dare he? How dare he accuse her in front of everyone, the whole ER, and at the top of his voice as well, of sleeping with Tony? He didn't even say "sleeping with"; it was "screwing", the most sordid, loveless, cheapest word he could have thought of.
And as if it was any of his damn business anyway! Who the Hell did he think he was, her bloody father? She could do what she liked, she didn't have to answer to anyone, least of all him. God knows she didn't have a husband to answer to anymore, so if she wanted to have some meaningless little fling, then she could do. In fact, she damn well would do. She didn't need anyone's permission to be with Tony. She certainly didn't need his.
Ray was almost back down to the ER when he realised he'd left his stethoscope on the roof. He'd gone up there to try to calm down, and possibly throw himself off and end his sorry excuse for a life once and for all, after the argument, but he couldn't hide up there forever. He had patients to see. There was a spare stethoscope in his locker and he briefly considering using that one, but what the Hell, he might as well go back up and get his own. It would only take a few minutes, and besides, no doubt she'd still be downstairs on more trumped-up, invented consults, and right at that moment, he simply couldn't bear to see her.
It just made him so angry. He knew he'd gone too far – the look in her eyes told him that he'd overstepped the mark in a big, probably unforgivable way – but he couldn't help himself, he'd seen red.
Yes, he was jealous, of course he was. What he wouldn't give to have been the one to have kissed her in that conference room, but that wasn't what got under his skin. She was damn well throwing herself at that worthless, arrogant waste of space. No dignity, and Neela had always struck him as such a dignified person, she had class.
She wasn't thinking straight, that much was clear. She wasn't thinking at all. He had tried so hard, given her all the time and space she'd asked for, that she'd needed to grieve, been and done everything she'd wanted, including letting her go, and what did he get in return? Nothing. Nothing except the pain of having to see her with that bastard.
The doors opened at last, with their customary tinny ping, and Neela stepped inside blindly, glad that for once she didn't have to share the confined space of the lift with the array of coughing, sneezing, vomiting, bleeding, drunken hordes that you normally had to suffer. She sighed in relief, thankful to escape the scene of her humiliation. The OR might be an unfriendly bunch, but right now, they were just what she needed. They didn't care about personal lives or crises, only about the patient on the table in front of them. Complicated, technical, requiring absolute concentration, with no room for any other thoughts.
She leant back against the wall, shutting her eyes and letting out a great sigh. Slowly, she turned her head from side to side, trying to work out some of the knots of tension in her neck. Then, after a while, she opened her eyes again, and suddenly saw, in the very corner of her vision, a slight movement. There must be someone else in there with her after all. Oh well, she thought, at least they were quiet. Out of curiosity, she turned to see who it was.
Ray watched in silence as the doors opened and Neela stepped inside. She didn't so much as glance in his direction, and for a moment he thought, with a leaden feeling in his heart, that she was deliberately ignoring him, but he soon realised that she hadn't noticed him standing there. He made the most of the silence, fooling himself that it was reminiscent of the old companionship between them, savouring the moment, as these days, they didn't seem to be able to speak to each other without getting into an argument of some sort, though it had never been as bad as this afternoon.
He watched her as she leant against the wall and shut her eyes. God, she was beautiful. Really beautiful. Sometimes, like now, she absolutely took his breath away. He had wanted so badly to be the person she'd turned to after Michael's death. Why should it be anyone else? Hadn't he earned the right? Hadn't he been her friend, her port in a storm, her shoulder to cry on? Hadn't he bought her pizza and beer and let her hide her face against his chest during the scary bits of movies he'd hired just so he could get closer to her? Hadn't he cared enough? He couldn't see how he could have cared more for God's sake; he was in love with her after all.
And even if it wasn't him, why Gates? Why not a decent man, a good kind one who would look after her, cherish her as she deserved to be… as he would. Jesus, he hated Gates, truly detested him. Ray thought of the way Neela had defended him, sided with him, and it made him feel a flash of hate at her too. Hate, love, lust, all rolled together every time he looked at her.
Neela started a little when she turned to see Ray staring at her. His eyes were so intense, she could feel them burning into her very soul. She held his gaze to begin with, trying to read what was hidden there, but she was so taken aback by what she saw, she had to look away. There was so much emotion there, more than, a year ago, she would ever have thought him capable of, and it stunned her. He looked so… stricken. Hurt, angry, and yet somehow there was a tenderness there at the same time, a caring look that she could have sworn was bordering on love. Every emotion swirling around in those hazel depths was so raw, so…
She felt her anger at him fade, suddenly in that instant understanding what he had been trying to tell her, what he had been trying to say for months, and her conscience needled her into speech.
'Ray –'
Just at that moment, before she had a chance to finish her sentence, before he could respond, there was a loud noise from somewhere a long way away, and the elevator came to a shuddering halt, simultaneously plunging them into complete darkness.
Neela waited, holding her breath. She wasn't the hugest fan of confined spaces if the truth be told, but the emergency generators would kick in soon and they should start moving again. Most of the time she could cope with elevators by telling herself it was only going to be for a few minutes, but to be stuck in one? That was completely different, and she felt her chest beginning to constrict, the panic setting in. She felt her breaths coming quicker, her pulse racing.
She desperately wanted to talk to Ray, but she couldn't pull the air she needed into her lungs, her mouth was dry, her throat hoarse. And how could she talk to him in the dark, when she couldn't see him? She needed to, wanted to, see his expression, to at least have half a chance at guessing what he was thinking.
How much longer was it going to be? They couldn't be stuck in here all day. Surely the power would have to come back on soon. It had to. It had to. Then all of a sudden, just as she wasn't sure how she was going to stop herself from going crazy, she felt what little breath she had being crushed out of her by a body pressing against her own. It was Ray, it couldn't be anyone else. Besides, it smelt like him, felt like him; it was his hands that were encircling her wrists, pinning her to the wall, his hot breath tickling the side of her neck, it was his lips that slammed down against her own.
Oh God. Ray was kissing her. Kissing her. He was squeezing the claustrophobia out of her and replacing it with a different kind of madness. Still in darkness – the power could have been off for five seconds or five hours, Neela had no idea anymore – she felt his mouth on hers, hot, wet, demanding, and before she knew what she was doing, she was kissing him back. He was rougher than she expected, a vice like grip on her wrists as he held them above her head that she could almost say hurt, if she had time to think about it, and amid his kisses, he bit her lower lip hard enough to make her cry out, although the cry wasn't one of pain and when his tongue immediately darted out to caress the spot he'd bitten, she found herself moaning in pleasure.
Standing there in the darkness, Ray found himself struck with a courage that he hadn't had before. It was one of those now or never moments and he knew in that instant what he had to do. He moved towards her, or where he hoped she still was, and reached out.
He had intended to be gentle, loving, to show her what he couldn't find to words to tell her, but the second he dipped his head and tasted her lips, he was absolutely overcome by need for her. Desire burned through his veins and it was all he could do not to rip the scrubs straight off her body. His hands ran down the smooth skin of her arms and found her wrists. His fingers curled around them, his grip tighter than he knew it should have been and he lifted them, pinning them above her head to give him complete power over her – she'd had absolute power over him for so long, and used it ruthlessly even if she didn't realise she had, that he thought it was about time he turned the tables. He used his body too, pressing against her, trapping her exactly where he wanted her and revelling in the feeling of finally being close to her. For all that he was the better part of a foot taller than her, their bodies seemed to fit together perfectly, as if they were made for each other.
He didn't know what he was trying to prove, how far he was going to push her, but then he didn't have to think about it. Slowly at first, then with a passion and hunger that more than matched his own, she began to kiss him back, her body writhing against him in a way that drove the last vestige of reason from his mind. Aroused, he ran his tongue along her lips then pressed inside her mouth, seeking entry, and with a low, desperate moan, she allowed him in.
At last, the generator power kicked in, and even though the elevator didn't move, the emergency lights flickered on and they were bathed in a slightly greenish glow, not full light but enough to finally see each other. They leapt apart, frozen in surprise, as if startled to find themselves so close to each other, and Ray gazed down at her, searching for something in her soulful brown eyes that told him he was allowed to continue.
She stared back up at him, breathing heavily. How could they have gone from a vicious argument barely an hour ago to this? Then, with a million different sensations coursing through her veins, another thought came to her. How could they have not been doing this all along?
Raising herself up on her tiptoes, she stretched up to him, and that was all the encouragement he needed. This time, he slid his lips, trailing a line of burning kisses along her jawline, to her neck. Her skin was so soft, so smooth, tasted so good and he took his time in savouring it.
'Oh God Ray,' she gasped as his teeth nipped at her earlobe. 'Please…'
His grip on her wrists had loosened, and she finally managed to break free. Immediately, she brought her arms down and wrapped them around him. Even through the material of his t-shirt and lab coat, she could feel his muscles under his skin taut and firm and she suddenly realised that there was no way she was going to be able to contain herself.
She ran her hands across his back until they were resting on his chest and she could feel his heart beating wildly under her palm. Then she was pulling his lab coat from his shoulders and raking her nails through his hair, pulling him back down to her lips again hungrily.
Ray was surprised when he felt her remove his lab coat. He'd been convinced she was going to stop this, but he realised right then that she wasn't. He didn't know what was in her head, where she thought this might lead, but if she was okay with this, then God knew he didn't have the willpower to call it off. Not now, not as her small hand slid under the hem of his t-shirt and across his skin, her fingers trailing up his chest.
Following her lead, he disentangled his hands from her hair and tugged at her scrub top. A small voice in the back of his mind was trying to remind him that they were in an elevator, in the hospital, and if the power came back on properly the lift could start moving again, the doors could open… Then she lifted her arms and the blue sterile smelling material was off and he was lost. Without pausing to look at her – he couldn't wait – he grabbed her, holding her even closer to him.
'Neela –'
He didn't have a chance to finish his question, as she finished pulling his t-shirt over his head and kissed him again, but given that his hand was on the fastening of her bra, he figured that she could probably guess what he was asking. He flicked the catch expertly and impatiently tore the satin away from her perfect dark skin.
He dipped his head towards her breast and caught one chocolate brown nipple in his mouth. Dimly, he heard Neela cry out but he barely heard her, so lost was he in twirling his tongue in tortuous circles that drove them both mad with need.
Neela felt her head tip back of its own accord and a sound was wrung from her throat. Ray's lips, hands, even his hot breath against her skin, were doing things to her that she'd never imagined was possible, not even in the many dreams she'd had about him. She was vaguely aware that they were in a lift, that they could be seen, discovered, or whatever, but right at that moment she didn't care, in fact, the excitement, the risk, the danger spurred her on. All her life, she'd always played it safe, done the sensible thing, thought rather than felt, yet Ray made her want to just… God, he made her want him, and so much.
She could feel his mouth move from where it was torturing her breast back up to run a line of kisses along her collar bone. His skin, pressed against her own, was burning hot and already slick with a thin film of perspiration from their passion. She raked her nails down his chest, just hard enough to hurt and leave a trail of angry red marks, stopping when she reached the belt of his jeans. Slowly, deliberately brushing the denim below the buckle with the back of her hand, Ray's mouth hard against her own not enough to prevent her lips curling into a smile at what she felt.
They had waited so long for this, and now might be the worst possible time to give in, but what the Hell? Things couldn't get worse than they already were between them and finally, the knowledge that there was nothing left to lose had set them free.
Neela unbuckled Ray's belt and quickly undid his jeans and slipped her hand inside. She heard him gasp in her ear and felt his body shudder in anticipation.
'Now Ray,' she breathed. 'Now. Please.'
Desperately, almost violently, Ray tugged at her scrub pants, pulling them down to pool around her ankles and she helped him by kicking them off. There was something about her eagerness that, while driving him crazy with desire, also sort of… disgusted him. Since when was Neela the sort of person who would just have sex with someone in an elevator? It just… wasn't her, and that made him angry. Sure, he was sickened by himself too, for descending to this level with her, but it was mainly directed at her. Then he thought of the person who he blamed for having driven her to this, and he truly saw red.
Instead of sinking to his knees, kissing her throat, her breasts, her stomach, as he moved downwards, then carefully, reverently peeling her panties down her thighs, as he might have done, as he did in the countless fantasies he had had of this moment, he ripped the black lace away from her body, even angry that she was wearing black lace panties. Too sluttish for his Neela.
'Please Ray, please,' he heard her beg. 'Don't make me wait.'
He didn't. Sliding his hands behind her, he ran them down her back, and further down, until he was grasping her thighs. Quickly he picked her up and held her against the wall, slamming his mouth down on hers once more. She responded wildly, kissing him, tongue duelling with his for power, a hand wound in his hair pulling him closer, as if she couldn't bear to be more than a hair's breadth away from him.
Spurred on by her desire in spite of himself, he thrust into her with a grunt of effort that soon turned into a moan. All the anger, all thought of Gates, all thought at all, melted away into nothing, and was replaced wholly by the feel of her. Her skin slid against his own, her breasts rubbing against him, driving him to oblivion.
'Neela, oh God.'
Although he hated how they had got here, in all his dreams she had never felt this good. It was… mind blowing.
Neela felt a groan ripped from her as she felt him fill her. He was nuzzling her neck, and amazing though it was to feel him nip at her earlobe, that sensitive spot on the side of her throat that only he had ever found before, she wanted to see him. It was almost as if she wanted to prove that this really was Ray this time, she wanted to see his hazel eyes gazing into hers as he moved inside her.
With one hand, she carefully brought his face to look at her. 'Look at me Ray,' she whispered. 'I want to see you make love to me.'
Reluctantly, he met her gaze then, eyes locked together, and tried to ignore the gentleness of her words. He wanted to carry on hating her, being disgusted by her. If he let his heart soften, even now, he would only open himself up to another round of pain that he didn't think he could survive again. He began to thrust carefully, steadily, trying to make himself last as long as he could.
Without once taking her eyes away from his, she leant forward to kiss him. Her hands were everywhere, through his hair, across his chest, over his back. 'Ray,' she panted. 'More, please. Faster.'
'Neela.' He took pleasure from simply saying her name, hearing her respond to him. 'Neela,' he gasped, 'I can't last much longer.'
He felt her legs tighten around his waist, and her nails dig a bit more painfully into his shoulders. 'It's okay, I'm nearly there Ray. Please…' And then their movements got a little faster, a little more desperate, their cries a little louder.
Then, with a perfect timing that Ray didn't think he would have been able to achieve given that he needed her so much, he let go at the exact moment he felt her tighten around him and heard her scream his name in one last frenzied cry.
Then… Silence. In the tiny space, they both listened, too afraid to speak, as their breathing gradually quietened and slowed to normal. He was still holding her against the wall, but they were both reluctant to move, as if to break the contact between their bodies would break the moment, and the next step was too far into the unknown for either of them to have the courage to take it.
Suddenly, preceded only by a couple of warning flickers, the lights flashed back into life and it was enough to make them spring apart. Neela surveyed the scene. Her clothes were in every corner of the lift, and Ray's weren't much better.
Ray. Already he had turned away from her and was refastening his jeans, pushing his arms back into his lab coat. She wanted to speak to him but there was something forbidding in his stance that warned her not to. She gathered up her clothes, pulling them on hurriedly; the elevator could creak back into life at any moment. Her ripped panties she balled up and thrust into her pocket, a wave of shame washing over her.
What had she been thinking? Screwing someone in an elevator? She had never done something so… cheap in her life. A voice in her head tried to sell it to her as okay – it was Ray after all, this hadn't been for a quick thrill like it was with Tony, this was… Ray. This actually meant something to her. But still.
Plucking up the courage, she turned to look at him. Tentatively, she reached out to him, but he took a step back, out of her reach.
'Ray?' she asked, confused, and tried again.
'No, don't touch me,' he spat out at her. He couldn't help himself. Now the passion was gone, and the lights were back, they were much closer to the real world again, and in the real world, outside of the bubble they had just created for themselves, she was screwing Gates. The way she had moaned just now, she had moaned like that for Gates too. Begged him too. And he just couldn't get past that.
Even as her face puckered and her eyes filled with tears, he couldn't make himself pull her into his arms, even though his heart was screaming at him to offer her the comfort he had been waiting for months to give her.
'I… I don't understand. Why are you being like this. I thought…'
'What did you think? That you fancied a change? That screwing one doctor wasn't good enough for you, you needed another on the go as well?' he asked nastily, the little piece of his soul that was left withering up and dying inside of him. 'Well, I've got news for you Neela. You've messed with me for long enough, and I can't handle it anymore.'
The lift shuddered into life, and started moving, but neither of them noticed.
'Ray, I'm sorry, I know I've been hurting you lately, but I –'
'No Neela, just no. Obviously you're just after a good screw, and I hope I've just given you that. I hope I'm better than him.'
She felt the full sting of his pain in that statement, and a pervading feeling of self loathing trickled through her. It certainly wasn't the first time she had felt that way, particularly over the last year when she had been so messed up with Michael, Ray, Tony, and now Ray again, but never had it been so strong, never had she actually felt the bile rise in her throat at the thought of her actions.
The lift doors opened out onto the roof, and Ray made to step outside. She tried to follow.
'Don't you dare Neela,' he said warningly. Then, in a bittersweet moment, he found just the right words to make sure she left him alone for good.
'Stay the Hell away from me.'