The soft snores next to me keep getting louder, keeping me from falling asleep so often. I can't help but smile a little at a particularly funny noise and my fingertips ghost softly over my husband's temple. Sometimes this helps and right now he's mumbling something close to 'sleep well' while turning on his other side, away from me.
I love him truly and we've been married for more than ten years. However, tonight I can't convince neither my husband nor my mind to be quiet. Pictures are running wild in my head while I absently finger a small pendant hanging from a band of black leather around my throat. It's a cute little kitty figurine carved from a pink stone.
My thoughts wander back to the days when I had first met the man who stole my heart a long time ago. To the man who had claimed that my friendship was far more precious to him than being in a relationship with me. To the man I would long to be with if I hadn't married my husband. The man I cannot have – not ever. Lucifer…
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It had been around twenty years ago. I was still in my mid-twenties and sort of shy at that time, at least towards men who started flirting with me. I had never actively considered getting me a boyfriend back then. Instead I had always been waiting for things to happen to me instead of actively pursuing what I wanted.
I had gone on a night out with friends. We were at a night club, a very classy one, and were sitting at the bar when I had seen him move across the dance floor. His fluid movements, his non-too subtle prowess and his whole demeanor had caught my attention. That man had an aura of mystery I couldn't ignore. Well, no one could, I was sure about that. Thinking that he hadn't noticed me, however, had been a wrong assumption. At some point he had casually strolled over and tried to hit on me. When he had delivered the – in my opinion – worst line ever, his flirting had sort of rubbed me the wrong way and I'd gotten recalcitrant.
Compliments have always raised doubt in me about the intention of the other, so low was my self-confidence back then. He had soon been distracted by some good-looking girl flirting with him very openly and so I had taken the hint and left the club before I even got his name...
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You see, being left out of conversations and having attention diverted from me was something I had been used to.
I had been mobbed as a kid in school, my first boyfriend had dropped me like a hot potato after a short while because of his 'friends' and I personally haven't liked myself very much because I had been overweight for a long time. I'm still not good at accepting compliments and I do love a good verbal spar, but today I know who I am and what I want.
My pretty face alone had never opened me many doors. Let's say, back then I had been convinced that the lack of male attention only stemmed from my looks. And every time somebody had told me different, I had doubted them. I hadn't been unhappy or sad all the time, but I often had felt very lonely. It had taken me a couple of years to see reason that being alone didn't mean lonely.
I have to admit that my experience with Lucifer has changed my attitude towards myself, life in general... Well, a lot of things have changed since then. I had benefitted from our relationship in a way I could not see right away. It wasn't until much later that I realized how profoundly he had changed me…
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A couple of weeks after that night I had seen him again. I had been shopping in a mall when I had literally bumped into him. Recognizing him, I got all flustered and with red cheeks I had started to apologize for my clumsiness but he'd cut me off.
"You should really stop to belittle yourself. It's getting boring."
I had gaped at him. The last thing I wanted was boring! Before I could say a word he had grabbed my shopping bags and turned around.
"Hey, wait a second!" He had just craned his neck.
"Chop chop, we don't have all day!" And then he'd started walking again. I had followed him, trying to pry my bags from his hands, but he wouldn't let me. Instead he had stopped almost on the spot after a short, brisk walk and I bumped into him again.
"One would think you would watch where you going, dear!" With mild concern showing in his eyes he looked me over.
"What do you want?"
He had grinned at me and pointed to a café behind me.
"Invite you for a cuppa, of course. Coming?" Leaving me standing there, he had occupied a free table in the back of the café and waved me over.
I had stood there shaking my head, being pissed, embarrassed and insecure all at once. He had remained completely unfazed, grinning from ear to ear and still urging me to come over. Well, he had my bags so what was I supposed to do?
Sitting down on the settee across of him, I realized that he had chosen a part of the café where I would sit comfortably. Had he done it on purpose? I didn't know and back then I hadn't given it much thought because I had still been upset.
"Well, well, what would you like to have? It's such a beautiful day! How about a nice cappuccino and some delicious sundae?" A frighteningly brilliant white smile appeared together with an expectant look on his face.
"Who the hell do you think you are?"
He had held his hand out to me. "My name is Lucifer, Lucifer Morningstar. Pleased to meet you!"
I had thought I'd misheard. "Are you kidding me?"
He'd put his hands flat together and shook his head, making a serious face. "Not at all."
I had squinted my eyes and scrutinized him. Either he was completely delusional or mad as a hatter. Since I didn't know what to make of it, I decided to pretend to accept it.
"Fine. So,... you are my first fallen angel. Pleased to meet you." I shook his outstretched hand. He had looked a little bit shocked, but then he'd resumed his usual exuberant behaviour.
"Wonderful! I see you know the book. Now, although we have met before, I didn't catch your name yet?"
I couldn't help but grin at the expectancy radiating from him. He was like a child in this regard. "No you didn't." His face fell immediately and I decided to rescue him. "Celie Reynolds."
An almost angelic smile had crossed his face. "Your parents must indeed have loved you. Celie is an abbreviation for Celestine, isn't it?"
"My parents preferred Celeste."
A waitress had suddenly appeared next to our table. She had seemed completely smitten with Lucifer up to the point of forgetting what he had just ordered. "Would you please finally stop staring at me and bring our order?" His disdainful look made her jump a little and she rushed off.
I had just raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet. Must be annoying as hell to draw that much attention, I had thought.
"Now, where were we? Ah, yes - Celie, are you sure you don't like anything but a cup of coffee?"
I had nodded. "Absolutely sure, thank you." If nothing else, I couldn't have been more polite...
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A silent tear rolls down my cheek and I turn to my side, away from my husband. I don't want him to know that I have never gotten over Lucifer. I guess he knows it anyhow and maybe he even suspects that I am still in love with the devil. I have forced my heart to forget him as I have forced my mind to lock all my memories of him in a huge wooden trunk, throwing the key into the sea - in a metaphorical sense.
How can the heart yearn for something that is gone and away?
Why is what I have not enough?
Why am I still longing for Lucifer to be mine?
Ten years I had not heard as much as a whisper from him. Until today a letter arrived.
And it said that he has never gotten over me nor has he ever forgotten me.
And the envelope held a small pink kitten on a band of black leather.
The letter was signed with Happy Valentine's Day - Lucifer...