"Emily? We need to talk." Spencer Reid looked at the new Unit Chief with a worried, somewhat melancholy expression on his face. Years at the BAU taught Emily to focus on microexpressions, and despite the melancholy look she could also see something alike to happiness in his eyes.
"Sure thing, Reid. Come to my office." Reid nodded and followed Prentiss into her office, unaware of the prying eyes of the rest of the unit – JJ, Rossi, Garcia, Tara, Luke and Simmons.
"What is it, Reid?" Prentiss asked, raising an eyebrow as she gestured for him to sit. She perched herself on the edge of her desk, her hands pressed against the wood.
"I…" Reid tried to find the correct words to say, but he was struggling. Of course, he had practiced his 'speech' of sorts in front of the mirror with varying drafts for days now. But everything he knew had left his brain – for once, he was speechless. Emily herself had grown worried, her lips pressing against her thumbnail as she absentmindedly fought against old habits – of course, they did die hard and so occasionally her lip would worry at her nails at time of stress, never biting them though.
"I have come to a decision in recent days that may come as a shock to you, and everyone else in the unit. Or it may not be a shock, actually. I'm unsure, really. I know recently everyone has noticed a change in me, and how I am around the job. For starters, I myself have noticed that I'm a lot more aggressive? I know it's not really affecting the way I handle my job, but it's not who I like to be. I don't like to be like this. I hate who I've become as a consequence of what happened last year, and I really don't want to be that person anymore. Emily, that rule you proposed for reinstating me? Where I have to spend 30 days off after working for 100 days? It's changed me, changed my life – my perspective on it. I thought I'd always want this job, always want to save people before myself. Now, I've realised that I need to put myself first for once. You know, I don't want to lose control of myself, or my mind. I don't want to lose who I am, and so I need to…I need to help myself now. I need to better myself. Teaching seminars? I feel so accomplished after them and I never thought I would; I get to teach bright minds of the future who will one day, I hope, be like me before everything happened, or be like you or JJ, or even Garcia. I want to teach them and lead them in the right direction. I guess, what I'm trying to say is…Prentiss, I would like to resign from the BAU. Effective immediately."
Prentiss' lips parted slightly in shock, her frame going rigid as she stared down at the young genius, her eyes widening as she processed every word he spoke. She let out a soft sigh as he placed his badge on her desk, her head tilting downwards as she slumped.
"Reid…I…are you sure?" Prentiss shook her head again and held Reid's badge in her hand, not touching the gun he was less reluctant to place on her desk. Whilst she asked the question she knew he was sure, his face told her that. He looked happier, healthier than he had in months and she couldn't stop herself asking the next question. "Reid, it's not just teaching is it?"
Reid stumbled for a minute as he looked up at Prentiss. "I…no." He had never been more honest. "I met someone. I was going to anger management to try to get over what happened, to try and not let my situations get to my work. I'm still going of course, but I met someone while I was there?"
As he relayed the first time he met someone to Prentiss he pictured everything that had happened in his mind, his lips turning upward in the first smile Prentiss had seen coming from him in a long time.
Reid glanced down at the magazines that littered the pristine white coffee table, his converse clad foot bouncing up and down on the floor as he played with the end of his jumper's sleeve. He coughed quietly, a voice clearing cough even though he knew he would not be speaking for a while. As he looked around the office he heard a voice to his right. Of all the eight seats in the room, this person had sat right next to him. Odd.
He looked to the person on his right he took in the appearance – long, brown hair that was slightly wavy and hazel eyes, accentuated by glasses. She was on the taller side – 5'6 or 5'7. This was rare. Reid hummed ever so slightly and replied to what she had said to him; she had said "hi" and so he had said a quiet "hello." Reid hummed softly and let out a "hello" in return.
He thought that would be the end of the conversation, but the girl continued on – "My name is Alexa. Lexi, if you will. I'm here for Doctor Graham, what about you?" so this girl was very into personal conversations with strangers, but Reid found himself answering back even though he didn't know her.
"Spencer. Uh, Spencer Reid. I get called Reid a lot, but you can call me Spencer, if you want. I'm here for Doctor Powell."
"Anger management, huh?"
"What? Oh. Yeah, I guess. Uh, I'm not violent or anything, I try not to be. I just, something happened to me and now I feel less like myself and I feel like this might help me." He was talking in riddles, something he did best and yet this girl nodded as if she understood.
"I'm here for CBT. I don't know if you've heard of it or—"
"No, absolutely I have. CBT – cognitive behavioural therapy. Most common for those with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. It focuses on the person themselves; their thoughts and feelings. It focuses on the current issues, not the past. Of course, there's also…sorry. I tend to do that a lot." Reid stopped as soon as he realised she was staring, like all people did when he rambled. He just didn't know if she was interested in hearing what he had to say or not.
"No, it's okay. Yeah, that's it exactly what it is. It's depression, for me. Tried everything, this is the last thing for me. CBT is what's gonna make or break it!" she smiled at him, but he could tell she didn't really mean it. "What happened to you, anyway, bud?"
And so it started.
"And, believe it or not, I actually told her a lot that day. And…when I got called in, she gave me her number. Wrote it all on my arm, like we were in some of those teen movies. Of course, I wanted to scrub it off straight away because I felt gross but I copied it down onto my phone first. I texted her after my appointment, because she was gone. And later that week we met up for coffee after one of my seminars. We met each other for the first time on the third day of me being off for a month, and then a week into it we met again. She was so nice, and she loves sugar in her coffee as much as I do…"
"Okay, so I don't know about you, but I love coffee more than I love breathing and so I believe we should go to this little café near my apartment, okay? Please tell me you love coffee too." Lexi was wearing converses and a huge jumper with some leggings. It was January, he supposed so the outfit made sense.
"I love coffee, actually. I need it to function and when I've had no sleep cause of my job, I need it even more. Any form of caffeine helps, though, to be fair."
"Your job?" Lexi led him through the street until they arrived at a small café, adorned in furniture that looked very alike it was straight from the 1950s. Technically, it was a diner, but Reid trusted Lexi's form of judgement and he supposed the coffee here must be really good if she sought it out like this. "What job requires no sleep? Night job? It must be rather demanding."
"Uh, no." After he held the door open for her, Lexi led him to a certain booth. One near the back, where one could see the entirety of the store and the area surrounding it; it was a nice view, to be fair. "No, I work for the FBI, actually. The Behavioural Analysis Unit? I don't know if you've heard of it. But cases can be anyway around the US so sometimes we fly out to other places and some cases require a lot of focus for a long time, so no sleep. Or very little."
"wow, FBI? I knew you must work somewhere cool. Well, maybe not cool, but I knew you would work somewhere unusual." Lexi grabbed a menu, even though she knew what she wanted – a coffee and some fries. The fries here were homestyle, fluffy and thick. When the waiter came over she asked for just that, while Reid ordered a coffee and a donut. He was not kidding when he expressed his love for sugar.
"Uh, yeah. I used to love it. I never really had a life, and the FBI gave me some. I have a family there, and I guess that's what keeps me going but I have been working there for thirteen years. I guess…so last year, I had a stalker. Her name was Cat Adams and she enlisted the help of this over girl to help her take me down. They stalked me, got me imprisoned and there I was for months. I was innocent in a place of guilty men. I saw men die, I did things I'm not proud of. I'm not the same anymore. I don't feel the same anymore. Hence the anger management, I didn't want to be who I was turning into."
"Wow, dude. My life is pretty mundane compared to that – I just work for publishing. An editor. Anyway, if you don't love the job anymore well why don't you just quit?" The waiter placed down their food and Lexi immediately reached for her coffee.
"I mean…" Reid took a sip of his and let out a soft pleased sigh, "first of all, this is great coffee. Secondly, I don't know. I think it's because as much as I have lost touch of the job I once loved, I still love the people and feeling like I mean something. I think that's why I'm still there." Reid took another sip and bit into his donut, licking the sugar off his lips afterwards. "I have family there, like I said. I couldn't disappoint them."
"Now, Spencer. I know I haven't known you long enough to know all about your life, but I do know that if your family love you, you couldn't disappoint them by leaving for your own state of mind. They'd want you to be happy and if leaving made you happy, then they should let you go. Surely, you'd still keep in touch, though?"
"I mean, of course I would. But I know I worry them and I think they'd go mad if they couldn't see me everyday. I don't know."
"Seems to me, Spencer, that you're trying to find more reasons to stay when you know you don't want to."
Spencer nodded and looked back down at his drink. "Maybe."
Prentiss stared at Reid and hummed quietly, nodding her head as he carried on. He was…he was happy and what could Prentiss dislike about that? This Lexi girl seemed to be really helping him. She looked at the door and saw JJ standing there, and she knew Reid had noticed her presence too, but he said nothing of it as she sat next to him. She looked sad, but peaceful – she had come to terms with what Reid was saying and she had come to terms with the fact that for once he was putting himself first. She laid her hand upon his and squeezed his hand, gently, comfortingly to urge him to continue.
"A few months in I think I realised I had feelings for her. We had become such good friends and we confided in each other. She had finished CBT and she had a few bad days, as did I. But we knew how to help each other. She'd call me on a bad day and I'd help her do something, anything to anchor her to the world and on my bad days she'd sit with me for hours without a word. I think, when I realised she'd drop anything to be at my side and I'd do the same, I realised then that I liked her. For the firist time since Maeve, I was ready to move on." He paused and breathed in, letting out a quiet chuckle before he shook his head. "I told her everything – Tobias Hankel, my schizophrenic history, the prison thing of course and Maeve. I told her everything and she stayed with me. She's special, Emily, JJ. She's so special."
"We know," JJ nodded her head and stared at Spencer as she squeezed his hand again. Emily still held onto his badge. They both felt an urge to cry, but they couldn't. Why should they? For this first time in a long time Spencer had a slight light to his eyes. He was happy, they could tell.
"Anyway, I told her. Finally, I told her a little while ago. And she actually agreed to go on a date with me, can you believe it?" Of course they could. JJ looked at Spencer sadly because she knew he would never realise his true worth. "And even though I spouted fact upon fact to her the whole time about theatre, she enjoyed her time and she agreed to see me again. I kissed her that night and she didn't run away, or tell me to go away.
But then, during my last 30 day absence, we started fighting. And I guess it's because I realised something and I was trying to repress it. I realised that everything Lexi had said was right – I wanted to leave, and I was trying to find a reason to stay. I was happier working for universities, I'm enjoying teaching now. And yet, I still stayed. And I don't fully know why. I started to become depressed as well. I stopped teaching for a while and just sat in bed all day and Lexi didn't mind sitting with me, but she was angry that I could solve it. We spent days trying to sort it out, but it was fight upon fight until…"
"Lexi, you don't understand! This has been my life for thirteen years – I can't just leave! I can't just pack it all up. I can't leave them all."
"No, you're right! I don't understand, Spencer. I don't see why you stay when it's making you like this! You were getting better, you are getting better and then you think about this job and it's like you're gone again! You love teaching more than you ever thought you would, so why do you stay there?!" Lexi paced the living room, her hands on her hips as she stared at Reid with a look that could honestly kill if she let it.
"I don't know, okay? I don't know! Maybe it's because it's been the only stability in my life since I was a kid, or maybe it's because I've been alone for as long as I can remember but they gave me a sense of belonging! Maybe it's because I don't want to peak! I don't want to burn out now – I've an IQ of 187 and I shouldn't not use it! Teaching isn't what's going to make my brain work or use it fully. Working for the BAU is all I have!"
"Bullshit, Spencer, you have me! You have me, and Blake who you're in touch with again, and believe it or not you're still going to have JJ, Emily, Dave and Garcia! You still talk to Morgan, for god's sake! And Hotch – hell, you still speak to Elle sometimes. These people have stuck with you for a reason. They care about you! They want to see you do well, they want to see you happy! Fuck, if you can't see that and you won't listen to me, why am I here? Why am I here, Spencer?!"
"She left me that night for a whole week. For a week I was alone, and I guess you realised that too because I know Garcia came to my house a few times but I feigned I was out. I know you all worried and cared. On the seventh day, Lexi came back and she was so mad. She was mad that I didn't fight, but I think she was more mad that I didn't tell her I was okay. She was worried, more than anything. And I love her for that. We made up straight away of course. But I did think a lot those few days. She was right, about everything. Or – I hope she is? Will you guys still see me, or let me see you?"
JJ laughed quietly and stared at Spencer with a raised eyebrow, "of course, Spence. This woman is right about everything – everything. We will always be here for you, no matter what. She's also right…" JJ trailed off and swallowed thickly before she continued, "you need to leave. While you still can, okay? And if you ever want to come back, this job will always be here for you."
"I'll make sure of it," Emily continued, nodding her head as she finally placed Reid's badge down on the desk. It felt final, like a last goodbye even though she knew she wasn't really saying goodbye to the man before her. She was saying goodbye to SSA Dr. Spencer Reid. She wasn't saying goodbye to Dr. Spencer Reid. He would always remain. "For as long as I'm chief I'll make sure of it."
A strange feeling of emotion overcame Reid and for the first time since he left the prison he hugged JJ tight, and then for the first time in years he hugged Emily. "Thank you," he murmured. "I'll miss seeing you too almost everyday, but I know we'll see each other a lot still. Okay? I'll make sure of it. Whenever you're off, I'll be there."
JJ and Emily nodded and watched Reid's retreating form as he left the office. They saw Garcia's face turn forlorn as Spencer hugged her tight, and Luke's sadness as they shook hands. Rossi looked happy for him, but he always understood the genius more than he let on, and he hugged him and gave him a kiss on each cheek. He insisted, of course. Tara and Simmons were less emotional, but still felt sad for the loss of Reid - he had an impact on them, no matter how short a time they'd all known each other.
Reid walked away from the gathering and as he moved to the elevator he turned around one last time to survey the unit. He smiled to himself and walked into the elevator, and as the doors closed he felt like a weight had lifted from his shoulders.
He had said goodbye to the life he once loved, and was ready for a new life.