Cocksuckers! The Imperial ships had flagged them down again! Tantive IV bounced and skidded along it's passage in space, but to no avail. They were doomed!
"We're doomed!" quibbled the annoyingly buoyant humanoid droid C-3PO as he nervously tittered along a vibrating corridor. "R2-D2, what the hell do you think you are doing?"
C-3PO's little companion R2-D2, a thicc n tight little astromech droid, was busy jerking his little droid sensor off in the middle of the hall.
"This isn't the time for this," 3PO scolded, though his owl-like droid eyes couldn't help but widen as he was tempted to help R2 in his droid struggle. Life truly was difficult for rust buckets such as themselves!
After R2 had finished his little pre-war routine, the two droids continued to march down the hallways until they found themselves right in the middle of a dozen blasters pointed at a smoking door. The stormtroopers were breaking through!
"Shit!" 3PO tottered drunknely into an adjacent corridor just as white imperial stormtroopers burst through, spraying wildly everywhere! Blasters loaded with cum painted the walls an even more blinding white as a dark caped crusader strode valiantly in the room.
"Bring me the princess," he commanded shortly, fixing his tightened crotch.
Within milliseconds a high ranking Imperial official brought Leia of Organa of Alderaan to the Dark Lord.
"Darth Vader. I was beginning to suspect it was you. The Imperial senate will not sit still. When they here you attacked a diplomatic-"
"Yoo R paaart of the Rehebel Allians and a TR8TR. TAKE HER AWAY!" He screamed these last words into Leia's dull open mouth. Vader celebrated with a small moonwalk and began on his way, looking for snacks.
"Here's one," he said, picking up a half eaten granola bar. On the wrapper it was labelled 'Property of C-3PO.'
"3PO! I see you!" Vader positively ran down the hall in order to catch up with the fleeing droids. They look back in terror but were no match for the power of the Sith Lord.
In a single swipe he crushed them into square portions each. With his other hand, he pressed a button on his radioactive toxin suit. The whole room lit up in a bright green temptation as the two squares were now-
"The moons of Iego, I think."
The crew stood in the back of Watto's Junk Shop on the outskirts of Tatooine. Young Ani Skywalker stood stoically in front of the glamourous Queen Amidala herself!
"What a stupid name," Queen Amidala herself spoke down to Ani. She gave a quick slap at Ani's stupid story about what he would do if he ever became a Sith Lord, and hurried out of the shop, somersaulting all the way.
"Gee, I'm never getting out of here, am I?" spoke Ani dejectedly to Watto. The floating Toydarian seemed to consider Ani for a moment before immediately unleashing a brutal assault of fist and teeth against the mop top boy. Ani squealed and shrieked and cried for help, but Qui-Gon and his little autistic frog were nowhere to be seen, nor Queen Amidala herself.
"BOY! You NEVER Insulta Toydarian lika that!" Watto spat on Ani's crumpled corpse before buzzing over to deal with the next customer.
For hours Ani lay there on the cold floor, reliving the moment of Watto brutally assaulting Ani's helpless body. Ani continued to cry until it seemed he had no tears left. None at all.
One day, Ani told himself, I'm gonna break out of this shithole. One Day…
The next day Ani worked as hard as he ever had before. He was building a podracer! He was going to break out and explore the stars. Every. Single. Last. One of them. He smiled inwardly. His plan was coming along just as he could have hoped in his wildest, pubescent dreams.
With a pieous grunt Ani got to work. He twisted and turned bolts, screwed in nails, and chomped down on a mean green Bantha fodder sandwich. It was getting to be around noon when Ani thought it would be a fabulous time to retreat inside and have a scrumptious jerk-off.
He made his way inside and sat himself down hard on his crusty-ass bed and flicked a switch on his naked protocol droid C-3PO. The humanoid figure's eyes lit up.
"Oh, Master Ani, what could I be of service for-"
"Go into sexy mode, threepio," Ani commanded. He stopped, his eyes glinting mischievously. "On second thought, go into aggressive sexy mode."
With the sound of turning gears, threepio's usual golden eyes dropped to a deep blood read. He raised his hand, the fingers of which had become as sharp as a razor blade, and threepio got to work.
Several standard hours later Ani hobbled outside to his half-finished pod, the pain from threepio's last torturing still haunting him. He sat back on the dirty ground when he realized something was wrong. His pod was missing! Ani immediately went on the defensive and screamt into Mos Eisley. Then, using his eagle-vision, Ani spotted Queen Amidala herself hauling the piece of junk through the streets of Mos Eisley.
"Cracker stick!" Ani swore into the heavens. It was time for drastic measures. Ani pushed and popped until he had released his angel wings from his back bone. After all, he did come from Iego. I think.
"Coming for you!" Ani warned as he soared higher and higher into the skies. Again he used his eagle vision but found nothing.
IT'S TIME FOR A PARTY EVERYONE GET DOWN