5 things they don't talk about (and one they eventually do)
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; it is the property of its respective creators.
Author's notes: This story was inspired by EmyPinks' Five Times He Called (and One Time She Did) Read it, it's great! Thank you for the idea, Emy! :)
The author sends a big thank you to tigyr and akaeve who both beta-read this story! Thank you! :)
Timeline: This is set in undetermined late Season 7. MAllison never showed up, nor the Reynosa cartel.
Spoilers: Slight spoilers for the events of the first four episodes of season 7, as in, "We saved Ziva from Africa". Also Spoilers for Semper Fidelis, Aliyah, and Judgment Day (Part 1&2).
Summary: 5+1. The team reflects on the five things they don't talk about and why. And the one they, finally, did.
There's a different POV for each subject. Read this if you don't want to be surprised: 1. Ziva, 2. Tony, 3. Ducky, 4. McGee, 5. Abby, +1. Gibbs. Enjoy!
1. Kate
They never forgot her. She had an effect on them all, and it's not one any of them can ever forget. They can't forget her. She meant, means, so much. But they can't talk about her either.
Ziva never met Kate. She's knows who she is. She's the woman she replaced. The partner her team loved. The agent her brother killed, one of the reasons she killed him.
She had heard about her a little bit when she first started working at NCIS. The wound was still fresh then, and she, unintentionally, was rubbing salt in it just by being there. After the first few months, she didn't hear of Kate again. Not until Gibbs called her by his dead agent's name when his memory was still full of holes. It hurt to be called by her name.
She'd tried so hard to make this team her family. No matter how much they love her, though, no matter how much she's family, Kate will have always come first.
Ziva can't ask about Kate because she's afraid. She's afraid she doesn't measure up to the woman in her team's memory. She's afraid they blame her for Kate's death, that they think she didn't do her job as Ari's control officer. She would not blame them for thinking that, she thinks it too.
The thought that haunts her most of all though, the one she only lets herself think late at night after yet another nightmare about Ari, is that she's grateful that Kate's dead. If Kate was alive she'd have never come to NCIS, she'd have never become part of this family she loves. She's ashamed that some part of her is glad her Ari went rogue, that he killed Kate. She thinks these thoughts in the dead of night, and weeps. Both for herself, who lost any trace of her blood family when she gained a chosen one, and for the innocent woman who was murdered in cold blood by the empty shell of a unrecognizable brother, torn away from the very family she herself was welcomed into.
The team is her family. The family she made, the family she chose. They are the only people in her life who ever truly stood by her. She's sure that they were the same to Kate. So, no, Ziva doesn't ask about Kate. She's afraid her gratitude will read on her face.
2. Shannon and Kelly
Tony doesn't know how Gibbs is still standing. He doesn't know how he can get up in the morning. Seeing the boat explode, the fear that Gibbs was dead, having to wait until the fire went out, it was one of the worst experiences of his whole life. He means the whole thing. The rush of relief that Gibbs was alive didn't last long. He had to step up and get answers about what happened. What a mess the case was, with dead Agents, terrorists, and the government with "acceptable losses." That was horrible, no doubt.
But he can't help but think learning about Gibbs' first wife and daughter was far worse. Hearing that because of Gibbs' amnesia, they were barely buried in his mind. He had never felt more sympathy for someone in his life. He still hasn't. Not pity, though. He's never felt pity for the Boss. No matter what the man's been through, because of what he's been through, and the fact he's still here giving him hell, means he could never pity Gibbs.
He understood why Gibbs left. He understood a lot about Gibbs once he learned about Shannon and Kelly. The three ex-wives, all red heads, no children with them. Jenny showed him a picture of Shannon and Kelly. They were beautiful. He expected nothing less. Gibbs tried to replicate what he once had. He could never go all the way, though. The ex-wives' never cut it, and he couldn't pretend if they didn't work. That and nothing could replace his daughter, nothing and no one.
He had Gibbs' back while he went and got his head back on at the beach with Franks. He led the team, kept them together best he could. He was there to cover Gibbs' back when Gibbs went off half-cocked because what should have been a simple favor for Kelly's childhood friend, Maddie, spiraled out of control. He jumped into the water, and he took Maddie because Gibbs handed her to him, even though every cell in his body screamed to get Gibbs to safety. It wouldn't matter if Gibbs was fine and Maddie wasn't. Gibbs wouldn't have been fine. He'd jumped in after Gibbs, and he'd do it again.
He doesn't know why the others don't talk about Shannon and Kelly with Gibbs. Maybe they do. He doesn't know. It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to. He gets it. He respects Gibbs more then he'll ever let the man truly know for still being able to get up every day. Losing Jeanne hurt him, but he hurt her, and at least she's alive. He doesn't think he could be as brave, as alive as Gibbs if it had happened to him. He knows he couldn't be.
He doesn't need to talk about Shannon and Kelly with Gibbs. He'll have his back when the man has his rare breakdowns. He won't ask. He already knows all he needs to.
3. That they all know McGee loves Abby (and that Abby loves him, too)
"The young man could not be more obvious about it. We all know. He says it, knowingly or not, with every word, every action, and every kind thought to her. He shows it by the jealousy he wears like cologne whenever Abigail gets involved in another one of her doomed 'relationships.'
She never let go of him. She marked him like a dog would a fire hydrant, for goodness sake. Every time Timothy so much as looks at another woman, she feels the need to reclaim that which she has marked as 'hers.' It is fascinating; it reminds me of something I read in a groundbreaking book on animal mating rituals….Oh, right! Abigail and Timothy.
I wonder if Abigail feels that Timothy is too good for her, but at the same time she won't let go of him because he is so unlike the other barbarians she has dated. Yes, barbarians, none of them were gentlemen. Not like Timothy, who is the very picture of a kind, smart and respectful young man. The kind every young ladies' parents dream their daughter will take home for supper.
I love Abigail, but I can see why at first glance, and maybe second, she is not the kind of young lady you want to take home to mother. I'm sure Timothy would be delighted to show Abigail off anywhere in the world, if she would just stop being afraid of imperfections that do not exist.
It has been six years. I think the time for an intervention looms. We have given them plenty of time to resolve it themselves. We need a plan with finesse, but if they resist, we will just use Anthony's idea of locking them in Jethro's basement.
And that is why you are not to talk of Abigail and Timothy, Mr. Palmer. You do not talk about the very subjects that the persons' in question are in denial about where they can hear you. Somehow, I doubt they'll hear us in my car. Oh, that reminds me of the time…"
4. Jenny
It's like she never existed. No one speaks of her, but they're definitely affected by her. I didn't have much contact with the former Director. Gibbs, Tony, and Ziva were the ones she interacted with the most. And no, I'm not bitter about that. Well, maybe a little. Though, considering what she put them through, I think I was better off not really being on her radar.
She was a woman of mystery, like out of some old book, a thriller, one with a handsome man and the devious and elusive woman no one ever figured out. We never did. Figure her out, I mean. At least, I didn't.
We knew better than to talk about whatever was between her and Gibbs when she was alive, (though Tony sometimes forgot), not unless we were sure she, and Gibbs, mostly Gibbs, couldn't hear. Not an easy thing to do. We never spoke of it again once she died.
Abby checked in on Gibbs a lot, during those long months Tony was at sea, Ziva was back at Mossad and I was in the sub-basement with people even geekier than me. If he spoke about her with anyone, it wasn't one of us.
We tried not to bring up Tony's assignment for the Director after Jeanne accused him of murdering her father. He didn't show it, but we all knew how much that must have hurt him.
Tony and Ziva can't talk about the Director. I know she sent them away on that horrendous trip in L.A., and Abby told me Ducky told her the Director was ill, dying. She went out in a blaze of glory, protecting Gibbs, her 'could have been'. She took a piece of Tony, Ziva and Gibbs with her, pieces of themselves they'll never get back. Pieces of them that died because she was selfish, she didn't ask for our help because she knew we wouldn't have let her commit euthanasia! And the worst thing is she knew she'd be doing that to them. I wish she'd cared enough about them for that to have stopped her.
It sounds like a melodramatic romance novel, not real life. We know it's real. The rest of the world got fed a pretty little fairytale. She died in a house fire. Really? That's the best they could come up with? I could think of better in my sleep. I wouldn't have, though. I would have let the world know the truth. Maybe that would have given the others some peace with her death. No, they have to hide it. They have to let the guilt and pain stay locked inside them, left to fester. Sometimes, I truly hate the decisions my government makes.
Tony tortures himself over her death. He told me once, drunk out of his mind, during the terrible months when Ziva was being held captive in Somalia, that I should get away while I still could. That everyone he cared for died or got hurt: Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Jenny, and now Ziva. I told him to stop being ridiculous, that none of their deaths or leaving were his fault. Not even Jeanne, in the end. He laughed, said the alcohol was making him melancholy. He told me not to worry, he'd be fine in the morning, but I know I didn't answer right. He's still convinced that all of that is his fault.
Ziva, well, Ziva's always been harder to read, not that Tony's easy to, mind you. I think she wishes she'd just knocked Tony out, and drove like a bat out of hell to save Jenny. At the same time, I think she understands better then any of us wanting to die under your own power, not slowly and with no control.
I think Gibbs truly loved her. I don't think he loves any other way. If anyone knows just who Jennifer Shepard truly was, for all her faults and all her strengths, it's Gibbs. Any chance we'd ever know too got buried with her empty coffin.
We don't talk about Jenny. There's no need to. We'll never be able to forget, so, she's still here.
5. The 'thing' between Tony and Ziva
They're too alike. That's what it comes down to in the end. They're simply too much alike. It's almost like two mirrors facing the other, and everything in the glass, good and bad, is reflected in the other. I think they hate each other a little bit for that. They hate themselves more, though.
I've never seen either of them in a healthy relationship. Tony is the master of one night stands, and Ziva doesn't really let on about her sex life. The closest either has ever come is falling in love with the subject of their undercover investigation, and falling in love with the person who was likely undercover with you as their assignment, and who then tried to kill your partner, who had to kill him. Did I mention they're messed up?
And what tangled webs they weaved from those two messes alone. Tony went into a major funk that nothing I did could get him out of, and that was before that little witch accused him of murder. Jeanne, not Ziva, just to be clear here. And then the Director went and got herself killed, and Tony and Ziva were reassigned and Gibbs took forever to get them back here…. Right! Tony and Ziva, right.
I think that was one of the breaking points. I know what happened to the Director thanks to super-secret-information-papers, but Tony and Ziva never speak of that horrible trip unless under direct orders. I think seeing each other again after the punishment of reassignment was like seeing every 'what if', every pound of guilt that weighed on them like chains, it was reliving all the sleepless nights they'd tried to forget in themselves. And the little ball of hate buried deep within them got a little bigger, a little heavier, with every word, every glance.
For every action, there is a reaction. It is one of the most basic laws of the universe. I'm a scientist. I study data, I look for patterns to try and predict the next phenomenon that's going to occur. Did it surprise me what happened with Rivkin? Was I shocked that Ziva didn't come back to NCIS? The emotional part of my mind was. I didn't understand. But at the same time, when I went into the part of my mind that looks for patterns and makes predictions on the next move of a subject, I wasn't surprised at all. The data showed that Tony and Ziva had never gone back to the kinder, tamer friendship they had before Jenny's death. Now, the mood was hostile, every word was barbed, intended to wound. Themselves, each other or some twisted mix of both, I don't know. Probably a little of all three. Did I mention they're messed up?
Tony wouldn't let us give up on Ziva. Even when we thought she was dead, he was prepared to go and die on a suicide mission to avenge her. I've no doubt he wanted to avenge Ziva, and we got her back, alive, if not mentally safe. Somehow I doubt she ever was, though. I just don't think revenge was the only reason Tony went on that desperate mission.
Tony and Ziva, they're far too similar. Neither knows how to be vulnerable; they both had horrible childhoods, both of them wear masks, they're both stubborn, they're noble, self-sacrificing, self-loathing, they both carry guilt for tragedies that are not their fault.
When they look at the other, they see a reflection of themselves. Until they can love themselves, they can't truly be with anyone else, and never each other. Tony went into that desert to rescue himself just as much as he went to rescue Ziva.
The 'thing' between Tony and Ziva is love, it's hate, it's friendship, it's loathing, it's fear, it's joy, it's guilt, it's rage, it's regret, and it's life. It's themselves. So, no, we don't talk about the thing between them. They only have to look at the other to see the answers.
+1. One they (finally) did
I can't believe I agreed to this. I can't believe this is what they want to know. Why did I let Abby talk me into coming to this party she insisted on throwing? Why did I drink so much bourbon? Alright, here goes…
"This is how I get the boat out of the basement…."
Valerie Portolano
April 13, 2011