Not For Me
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
I awake with a start. The words seem to echo around the room. "I said I'd die for them not for you... I'd die for them not for you... For them, not for you... not for you..."
But she did. Fry died trying to save my worthless ass. She didn't have to, but she did. I would've have left her there to die and she died because of me anyway.
Unable to sleep, I prowl around the flat I now live in, checking locks making sure Jack isn't having nightmares. She lives with me now, as my daughter - or son, depending on her mood - and has been having nightmares about our time on that planet.
I'm not going to tell her she's not the only one.
Carolyn's death is my fault. I was gonna leave - alone, but she convinced me to help her save the others. I could have gotten them there easily enough, without leaving them. I don't know why I didn't. I guess the temptation was too strong, the thought of finally being free got to me.
The other three got back to the skiff safely enough, but as soon as Fry saw I was gone, she came running to help. She was determined to get me back there despite my injury, despite the fact that I'd been prepared to leave her to die.
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
There was no note of teasing in her eyes or voice, just grim desperation and determination to keep us both alive.
Then it had happened. Carolyn had jerked forward suddenly and the first expression to cross her face had been one of accusation as though I'd stabbed her. That had hurt me deeply and it was only then that I realised how much Fry had begun to mean to me. The accusation was quickly followed by realisation, shock, terror and then she was gone.
" I said I'd die for them, not for you."
The look of accusations plays over in my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. For the first time in my entire life, the death of another living creature had any kind of impact on me. Carolyn was the first human in a long time to treat me as a human being, instead of the animal I was. I felt protective of her - I know how stupid that sounds.
I close my eyes, and as always see Carolyn's face before me. That harsh look of accusation that wounded me more deeply than any kinfe or bullet could have ever done. But this time I see something different. Betrayal, mixed in with the accusation. Betrayal? Trust? Carolyn had trusted me?
Thinking back I realise that while she had clearly not trusted me completely, she didn't distrust me either.
"Can't sleep huh?" The voice startles me and without thinking I reach for my skiv and spin around. It is only Jack and I feel like a fool.
"No." I reply softly. She curls up on the armchair opposite me. "You were dreaming about her weren't you?"
Her. Never Fry, or Carolyn, always her. It's almost as though Jack's afraid to say it. Maybe she is. I nod slowly. "Yeah."
"Me too." sighs Jack. "But it wasn't a nightmares, not this time."
"Good."
We sit there in silence, remembering little things. I like having Jack around, although we don't talk much, I like the knowledge that she's there.
My time on that planet changed me in so many ways. Actually let me change that. My last hour on the planet, and Carolyn Fry changed me. Although I barely knew her, I miss her. I wonder what I would've done if she'd come with, instead of going back for the others. I'm sure I would have fallen for her.
I wonder how Iman is. The loss of his three boys affected him deeply. He said when parted not to take it personally, but he wanted to forget his time there and not to keep in touch with us. Jack was hurt by that, but I understand what Iman means. The difference is, I don't want to forget my time there. I learnt so much on that planet, nothing that you could ever read about or learn about in books, but about the human spirit.
As a faint light from the rising moon begins to spill in through the window, I think about what I told Jack and Iman as we were leaving the planet. "Riddick is dead. He died somewhere on that planet."
Part of me did die down there, when Carolyn died. The death of the others was sad – well, with the exception of Johns – but it was just something that happened. But watching Carolyn get dragged away by the – whatever the hell it was, I felt like something had been taken away from me. Fry was the first person in a long time to treat me as a human being instead of a cold-hearted killer.
~~ "Get down." I hissed, dropping to the ground behind a rock. Fry joined me, looking nervous. "I wish I could see what was going on."
"No, you don't." I replied bluntly. They were still killing each other. Guess you get a little hungry when it's twenty-two years between meals. Fry placed a hand on my shoulder. "Will we get back to the others in time?"
"They can take care of themselves." I replied a little harshly. I could hear a sigh of exasperation coming from Fry. I felt a need to annoy her just a little more. "There's no saying whether we can get back there in time. If we do, then the four of us may not make it back to skiff. If we're too late, then you and I still have to get back safely. Of course, there's also the possibility that you and I could get killed on the way to the others. The most likely scenario for any or all of us is death. It's just a matter of when."
"Christ, Riddick, ever heard of a little thing called optimism?" Fry sounded disgusted. I chuckled. "Would you prefer me to lie about the odds?"
"I guess not." She fell quiet behind me. I wondered what she was thinking. Probably asking herself what the hell she'd done deserve this. We remained in silence for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth of Carolyn's body behind me. "Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?"
"About not knowing how to rejoin the human race." Fry sounded slightly nervous. I thought about it for about 2.3 seconds. "Yes."
"I could help you." It took me completely by surprise. I turned around and looked at her. Fry was afraid, there was no doubt about it, but she was also determined to get this sorted out. I snorted. "What?"
"Do you want to rejoin the human race? I mean, if we get out of here alive, there's a few basic social skills that you're gonna need if you expect to live in a semi - civilised area." The meaning of her words were not completely lost on me. "You're just gonna let me go?"
"Why not?" ~~
"Why not?"
A simple answer. To Fry it had been a very simple matter. I had helped them; they would let me go free. I didn't have the heart to tell her then that life wasn't that simple. Or maybe she already knew that and was just trying to give my spirits. But there was the fact that I was a murderer, an escaped con and that there was a price on my head. Unless it was one hell of a backwater planet, there was no way I would be free long enough to put those social skills into use.
~~ "Can we move yet?"
Her voice reminded me of a whiny child's - "Are we there yet? How much further?" I laughed, the noise sounding completely out of place. Carolyn was offended. "Fuck, I'm sorry ok? I'm just worried about the others and my leg is cramping up."
We could've moved on, it would've been a little dangerous, but nothing worse than what we'd already been through. However I was enjoying this quality time with Carolyn a little too much. "Did you mean what you said earlier?"
"About helping you rejoin the human race? Yeah, why?"
Instead of answering her, I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her against me. She looked startled, which I ignored as I kissed her.
Fry didn't slap me, or push me away as I'd expected. Instead she leant against me, returning the kiss ardently. When we broke apart, we were both breathing hard. I licked my lips, amazed at how sweet Carolyn had tasted. I looked around, to my surprise; none of the critters were in sight. I grabbed her hand. "Let's go." ~~
Nobody knows that part except me. The only other person who would have told was Carolyn, and she didn't live long enough to tell anyone. I bow my head – I can't help but feel sorrow and guilt. If I hadn't taken so long to get moving, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. Despite my attempts to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, I know that it was. I can tell myself a million things to make myself feel better, but none of them will work.
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
Carolyn Fry was one hell of a gutsy lady that's for sure. No wonder Johns wanted her. His suggestion of killing Jack had simply been to get at Carolyn, to break her. I wasn't gonna let either of those things happen. He accused me of desiring her and while I admit he was right, it wasn't just her fresh-faced innocent look that attracted me, it was her inner strength and strong survival instincts.
I wonder how Johns would've reacted in Fry's shoes. Probably would've taken me up on the offer of a lift out of there. He was a gutless wonder if ever there was one. I remember how Carolyn had stood up to him and the fury and disgust I'd felt when he'd struck her down. If it hadn't been for the fact that the others were in the light I was holding I would've attacked him then and there.
It took all my will power to stop myself from killing him earlier. Fry had been getting stuck into him "That's because you're 79 kilos of gutless white meat." As soon as I saw him move, I knew what he was planning to do. No way would I let him hurt her. Even though I wasn't entirely certain what my emotions regarding Fry were – not love, certainly, but something strong – I could definitely say I felt protective towards her. I don't know why.
As I wonder idly what Carolyn would have done if Johns had made attempt to make a move on her, a tap on my arm jolts me back to the real world. "Coffee?"
"Thanks kiddo." I ruffle Jack's hair – what little there is of it – affectionately. We sit at opposite ends of the couch, facing each other, sipping hot coffee. I look at Jack, so little and fragile. I keep forgetting that she's just a kid, who is as alone as I am. Although we're not really alone are we? We have each other.
"What were you dreaming about Jack?" I ask curiously. Jack sighs and stares out the window. "Well it was about her." She pauses hesitantly. Again her. Not Carolyn or Fry, but her. I cannot recall Jack having said her name once since we left the planet. I wait, as Jack collects her thoughts.
"It's SO stupid. I can't even remember much. Just that I was lying in bed, and she came into my room and ran her hand over my head, kissed me on the forehead and said 'Sweet dreams Jack.' But I felt so, I dunno secure. Stupid huh?" Jack avoided eye contact. I sighed and put the coffee mug down. "Jack, look at me."
"I don't think it's stupid at all. I think maybe that was Carolyn's spirit trying to tell you that she's ok and that you should stop having nightmares. " I suggest, feeling slightly foolish. I've never believed in the afterlife or ghosts, or spirits or anything like that, but I know that Jack does. So I tell her this, hoping it will ease her fears. She's just a kid, she deserves a lot better than what she's gotten, that's for sure.
"You really believe that?" she asks wide-eyed. I lie to Jack for the first and hopefully the last time. "Sure I do. I mean, why wouldn't she be looking out for you? It's not like you killed her or anything."
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
The words have never sounded as clear as they did right then. I shudder involuntarily, seeing the look on Carolyn's face again. Jack watches me carefully. "Are you ok?"
I nod, unable to speak. The morning light begins spilling into the window. Jack slips off the couch and takes our mugs into the kitchen. She leans against the doorframe, staring at me. I ignore her thoughtful gaze until I can't take it any more. "What?"
"You hear things don't you? You can hear her saying things like she's right in the room? You also see things, memories appear in front of your eyes as though you're living them again?" Jack's voice is quiet. I look at her in surprise and nod. "Yeah."
"You were with her when she died. It was an accident wasn't it?"
I react before thinking. "Of course it was! Do you think I killed her? No way! No fucking way!"
"Then you gotta forgive yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault, and when you forgive yourself, then you'll sleep easy." Jack stares at me for a second, then leaves, presumably back to bed. I think about what she's said. It's easy for her to say something like that, but she wasn't there.
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
Maybe she's right. Maybe all I need to do is forgive myself and Carolyn will stop haunting me. Maybe I just need to convince myself that it was an accident, that it was unavoidable. Maybe. I don't know if I can do it. Carolyn was the first person in a goddamned long time to treat me like a human being. And I let her die.
"Come on Riddick, I said I'd die for them, not for you."
I can do it. It's gonna take time, but I can forgive myself for Carolyn's death. Jack and I have other things we need to worry about more. On the news tonight, there was a segment about the ship, and it's missing passengers. Nothing about the missing crim. I hope Iman knows, because the three of us are gonna be in for some serious questioning. What can I tell them? They'll see me, an escaped con and decide that the only possible scenario is that I killed them.
Physically Richard B. Riddick is alive and well. But the Riddick that is known and feared all over the Universe is dead, because when Carolyn died, something in me died as well. I'm not completely sure what, but something. I'm a different person now. I'm worried about others, especially little Jack. I can't go to pieces now, because I'll have to keep my wits together to get us out of the coming mess. There may not be any hope for me, but I'll be damned if I'll let that girl go to ruin because of me.