A/N-'Tis time to run for the hills!!!!!!!! Yes, I am back. rolls eyes Sorry about that little Zelda rant I went on. But I'm back again, and for who knows how long? I still do like Zelda and I still will write Zelda but I was having trouble sliding into a character if you know what I mean. I tested to see if I can write Draco again and for some reason I can after two months of being unable to. Speaking of things coming back, the little paper clip guy has mysteriously returned to my computer after vanishing for a year or so...raises one eyebrow O well, he's cute, heh heh. Yes, I am still insane. I still stab my math tests. I still sulk in the corner when the music teacher wants me to dance. I still have paranoia. I still have three-inch-high Snapes living in the walls of my house. And, ah yes, I still like Draco Malfoy. - he's my soul mate Now I shall stop this useless rant and get on with another useless rant! As you can see, I am hyper, so beware.
Summary It's another Draco ficcy, as I already said a billion times. This one is very messed.
This was going to be out a lot sooner than it is, but my stupid computer is screwed, or maybe just the is. I dunno.
IMPORTANT NOTE The words in italics are Draco's POV, and are his thoughts only. The words not in bold are Hermione's POV, and it is what is actually going on. Kind of confusing, sorry.
Dedicated to everyone out there who still remembers who the heck I am!!!!!! THANK YOU EVERYONE! Also a special dedication to those authors who tried to bring me back so long ago. Someone who I shall not name actually started a campaign much to my humiliation.
Song deleted 2007.
Inside Out
By PikaCheeka
They all say I have too much pride, too much arrogance. They say I am so obsessed with my wealth and my looks that nothing else in the world matters to me.
They're wrong, all of them. I am arrogant, I know, but it's a cover up. Extremely arrogant people do not feel toward other people in the least, they loathe and look down upon other people. I don't, I just pretend I do.
I sometimes wonder what I would be like without my arrogance. People would be afraid, I know that much. I have held this reputation for years now, and no one has ever known a different Draco. Hopefully they never will. My arrogance is me. It's one of the few things that keeps me going.
One.
I slowly flipped through the book. The extremely boring book. Draco sat across to me but not next to me. He was at the edge of his chair, looking beyond annoyed and bored. To no surprise, actually. Stupid Professor Binns had asked me to tutor him. We had only been in the library for two minutes and I could tell that he was uncomfortable, as was I.
"What was your grade in this class again?" I asked after a moment, wondering how much I had to do.
"Something bad." He growled.
"You don't even know?" Obviously he had too much self-pride to tell me. Either that or he really didn't know.
"That class is so damn boring I use it to sleep. Nothing better to do." He glared at me, his eyes flicking.
I shrugged, knowing he was right but not wanting to agree. I had caught myself almost asleep quite a few times in that class myself, and that was saying something.
They also say I have an extreme lack of faith. I do. Not the religious faith, but faith in others. I have never thought of anyone as my friend. Even as a friendly acquaintance. I have never had a reason to. Trust is something I also lack. I prefer doing everything on my own. I do not like anyone near me most times, I can not trust them. They call it paranoia.
I can't though, because I know it isn't. It's just a simple fear. A simple fear of something most people cherish.
Love.
I ignored him for a few minutes, flipping through the pages aimlessly. I knew what chapter we were on, I was just going through the book a page at a time. I didn't want to be a tutor to anyone, especially not him. I knew he was smart. Everyone knew he was smart, possibly smarter than I. So just because he was lazy I had to waste my time tutoring him.
I wouldn't mind as much if it was anyone else. But he makes it so clear that he hates me it's almost scary. Although he has been giving me that nasty look for six years straight now, it still gives me the creeps. I never knew a human could feel so much hatred. He even treats his so-called friends in that manner. Almost as if it's just people in general he hates.
That's why I hate her. Hermione Granger, the Gryffindor mudblood. My father hates her more than he hates Dumbledore, and that's saying something.
But every time I see her, every time I pass her in the hall, something inside me breaks down. Something just no longer fits.
I know she hates me too. She hates me because of my arrogance and lack of trust. She hates me for everything I am, everything I was, and everything I ever will be. She hates me for being Draco. I wish it would stay that way.
I fear that one day I will break down. My arrogance will deteriorate and I will be alone and helpless. Trapped. She would know the real me, and there was nothing beyond that. Past my arrogance I was nothing. Nothing but lonely.
I'd rather be just nothing.
"What was the last thing your class learned?" I asked after a few minutes.
"Something." He muttered, grinding his quill against the table slowly, making a wretched noise. We were in the library, and it was already sort of late. But seeing as he had Quidditch practice, the only time I had to tutor him was nine to eleven or twelve. Binns told me it would only be for a week. But I seriously doubted that. Much as Draco hated me, he would rather have it be hard on both of us than easy on both of us.
"You were at chapter seven when you stopped paying attention, right?"
He looked me in the eye for the first time and laughed faintly. "Stopped paying attention? When the hell did I ever start?" Then he abruptly turned away again, angry once more. Almost as if he was mad at himself for saying something to me a half decent tone.
Every time I see her, I force myself to feel a burning hatred toward her and everyone else. But people have noticed, especially Pansy. She has noticed that every time I pass Hermione or even look at her I am extremely evil for up to an hour after.
But I can not help it. Without my hatred I am nothing. I suppose it is a mere weakness, something that it breaking me down, forcing my already weakening shell to collapse.
I sighed. I was going to get nothing out of him for a long time. I would be stuck here till past midnight most likely, and here for weeks and maybe even months. Sitting next to the pale boy with the cruel eyes that bored into me.
He suddenly slammed his quill against the table loudly. "We were on page 367, if you must know. That was the last section that I got a perfect score on."
"Perfect score?" I snapped without realizing it. "Why do you waste half your life making fun of me because I get good grades? When you yourself get ones even better than me at times?"
He looked at me, his eyes startled for half a second before he covered it up. He seemed to be hiding something. "I don't always get better grades than you. Besides, I make fun of you because you..." he suddenly leaned over and grabbed my own quill from my hand. His skin was cold. Almost as if he was dying.
"Because you," he continued, "study all of the time and I don't."
I love her, I know I do. But I force it out of my mind. I try to cover it up. But I can only do so for so long. I will break, shatter. Then she will know, and hate me even more. But then I will no longer have a secret. I will know that she truly does hate me.
I will have no more reason to stay here. No more reason for even life. Then where would I be?
"You don't study?"
"No...I just know this stuff."
"Intuition?" I laughed slightly. "Doesn't sound like you."
"Doesn't sound like you either. Now shut up and teach me what the hell I'm supposed to learn." He growled, his eyes cold again. It seemed almost as if he was having a seizure in his own mind, suddenly being cold after being almost happy for half a second.
I suddenly had the urge to back away from him and leave the room. It was quite in the room, most of the school in bed or in their rooms at least, quite enough for me to be able to hear the tick of the clock perfectly. Almost like Chinese Water Torture, forcing me to count the seconds I had already wasted.
I can not even concentrate in classes of mine that she is in. Everything I hear is broken sounding, like I am hearing through a filter of some sort. I feel sick too. Weak. My loneliness is even more obvious near her. I think she knows it too. The way she looks at me. I know she knows, and she is just waiting to catch me off guard. To tell me she hates me. To tell me she wants me dead.
I sighed again and snatched my pen back. He didn't even move, just watched me take it. I still shuddered though, feeling those eyes of ice follow my every move. I wondered if anyone else felt strange around him. It was almost as if he was like a veela. And yet it wasn't the same. What was a cold veela? I had read somewhere that vampires had the same effect as veelas on most people. So was he?...
"How are you doing in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" I said suddenly.
He looked confused. "Why?"
"I'm just wondering. I mean, at least that's an interesting class..."
He smirked faintly, and forgot to cover it up. "It's all right..."
"That class kind of creeps me out though." I said, trying to act scared. "Learning about vampires and all."
He shrugged. I began to wonder if that was just a habit of his to accompany every word that left his mouth with a shrug. "Doesn't bother me..."
What would she do if I willingly told her? If I willingly gave up my arrogance? Even for a few minutes? And showed her who I really was? Would she merely laugh in my face? Or would she just call me a liar?
It seems impossible she would do anything but show some sign of hatred. Show me somehow that I would never have her and she me. Show me that she hates me with every part of herself. And force me to hate her as well.
I sighed again. "You're a bit arrogant, aren't you?"
"Yes." He laughed. "What took you so long to figure that out?"
"I've always known. I've just never known anyone to readily admit it before."
He snorted. "Yea, I just have arrogance in my arrogance..."
"It's not good, you know..."
"What isn't?" he snapped.
"Arrogance. You could at least have some modesty."
"You're supposed to be tutoring me in this!" he edged closer and slammed his hand down on the book, missing my face by half an inch. "Not in how I think of myself!" he glared furiously at me, his eyes glassy and his face paler than normal. If that was possible, that is... I sometimes wondered if he was an albino, but his eyes weren't red.
Just the anger that showed through them was.
Or was it all anger?
But is it possible that she wouldn't mind? Is it possible she would be kind somehow?
I suppose that is why they say I have no faith. I always believe the worst will happen. But in this situation, I don't even know what is the best and what is the worst. It's all twisted around and jumbled in my mind. I do want her to love me.
But I also want her to hate me. I still have that reputation. I want to keep it. I want everyone to know I am an arrogant jerk that shows no mercy. I love that sense of power.
Was it something more? Yes...but what was it? It was almost like...fear or loneliness. But how could he be like that? He was Draco...Draco had no known weaknesses. Harry and Ron had worked every insult on him possible. Every single one enraged him, but nothing had visibly hurt him. Unless he was the kind to keep everything inside...
"What the hell are you starring at?" he snarled suddenly.
I jerked back to my senses. He was half on the table, several inches away from me. His hand was still flat out on the book, but his eyes were wide now and obviously confused.
"What?" I muttered. "Oh...I'm just tired is all."
"The book has an evil aura! It wants students to fail!" he suddenly gasped and slid from view, landing with a crash on the floor. "Dammit to hell, this floor is hard!" he hissed after a minute.
It has gone so far on occasion that I have even hated myself for how I feel. I know I can not help it, but I wish I could. I want to change it. I want to hate her.
Some people believe in soul mates. Some people believe in love at first sight. I guess you could say that happened to me, but doesn't it have to be returned? Doesn't it take two? Yes, it does. And she never would...
I leaned over and glanced under the table. He was flat out on the floor, glaring up at me with those wide eyes.
"You're great at creating diversions, aren't you?" I sighed.
"Yes." He smirked. He then laughed before suddenly leaping up into the chair beside me. "I know you hate me and I hate you," he said quickly, "but how the hell am I supposed to read the damn book if you're reading it too? Reading upside-down gives me a headache..."
"Great..." I sighed, then, as an afterthought, I added, "Doesn't everything give you a headache?"
"I was sick when I was born. I spent three of five years in the hospital. So shut up already about me having weird problems." He snapped.
There have been the rare moments when she has been kind to me. The one that sticks out most is the stupidest, smallest, and most humiliating. The time that bastard of a professor turned me into a ferret and started tormenting me. Hermione had started yelling at him and all. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
But there are also the times when she just was different around me. Like this...
I was slightly taken aback. I had always known he had to have something wrong with him to be pale all the time, and thin, but I had never known it was that serious.
"I'm sorry..." I said tentatively.
He visibly flinched. "What?" he growled. "There's nothing to be sorry about."
I shrugged. "Whatever you say, Mr. Genius."
"I don't need you..." he hissed, although at the time it didn't make any sense.
"You lie." I shouted suddenly without realizing what I was saying.
He flinched again before jumping up and glaring at me. "I could kill you right now. I do not lie." He sneered, his eyes growing malicious again.
But it almost seems to me that she thinks she can change me. She seems to think that she somehow can change me around. Get rid of my arrogance and leave me alone to die. Or perhaps not to. That has always disoriented me. What could she possibly be trying to do?
Was she just trying to destroy me? Or was she really trying to understand me? I could never tell. If it was the latter...was there such a thing as soul mates?
"You think you can change me..." he went on, slowly flicking his wand back and forth. "But you won't! You never will!"
"You do lie though. Stop trying to change the subject. Maybe you don't need me but you need someone." I stood up to face him, reaching for my own wand as well. "I can tell. I can see it in your eyes. You're lonely. You always have been. Your entire life! All sixteen years of it you've been lonely!"
"Fifteen." He said quietly.
"Fifteen then! But you're so bloody arrogant you would never let anyone know! Because you think it's a weakness, don't you? You think it's weak to have friends, don't you?"
He stopped pacing and looked at me for a long time. His eyes were flat out pale and revealing. After a minute he dropped his wand on the table and collapsed in his chair, shaking violently.
But I have also noticed that she has no arrogance in the least. None at all. One of the few people I know like that. Is it just that she wants to know how I can be so and she not at all? Is it just that she's even jealous?
Impossible. There must be another reason. But it's unfolding. And it's only going one way.
I paled, wondering what I had done. Yes, I had just defeated verbally my most hated enemy next to Voldemort himself. Then why was I not glad? I was anything but. I was actually...upset...
"Are you all right?" I said softly after a moment.
He looked up at me again. "You never had to worry about it." he muttered. "You never knew what it was like to be alone. You never had anything to hide. You were always loved. You always had someone to go to. You were never alone, you don't know what's it's like. You don't know how much time I waste writing everything down on bloody paper. Sometimes over fifty sheets a day. Just to get everything out. Just to get out all my hatred and loneliness. All pent up inside because there's no one there." He was shaking worse now.
"I do know..." I said softly.
"You lie." He smiled faintly.
I wish I was different. A secret no longer a secret is an enemy
I hugged him then. Stupid, I know. But I didn't know what else to do. I had never known he was so alone before. "Why haven't you ever told anyone?" I asked finally.
He pulled away. "I have a reputation."
"Arrogance is everything to you, isn't it?"
"I am nothing but that. What else do I have to look to?"
"Me..." I said it without thinking. But surprisingly, or perhaps not so, I didn't regret it.
"Shut up." He snarled. I could tell that he was already gaining his sanity, or insanity, back and quickly. "Besides, what did you mean? When you said you were lonely once too?"
"I don't know if you remember, but I was once arrogant and friendless..."
"I remember that. I thought you belonged in Slytherin."
"You did?"
"Slytherin is for all the rejects."
I wish I didn't have to love her. I wish I could stay alone all my life and enjoy it. I hate depending on someone. Hoping. It makes one feel so weak.
"Slytherin is the place where all the loners go, where all the arrogance and hatred and evil goes. All the extra. All the things people don't want. It ends up in us." He muttered. "That's why we all come out dark and corrupted. Because we never knew anything different."
"What do you mean by we?"
"All Slytherins...Snape, my father, Voldemort...we're all the same inside. It's a never-ending cycle. The dementors...you don't know about the, you don't have to either, but they were all once humans, all once Slytherins. Every last one of them." He shuddered. "They come from the darkness. But what people don't understand that the root of all evil is loneliness and hatred and hopeless self-pride."
I starred at him. "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"
He nodded.
"And you've never told anyone?"
He shook his head.
It happened fast. Then everything was out. I was free. Except one more thing. Possible the hardest.
"Do people ever need one another?" he suddenly asked.
"What does that mean?"
"Like how they say opposites attract...does that mean they need one another to balance everything out?"
I was startled. He was almost beyond genius the way he thought. Like no one I ever knew. "I...guess so..."
He shrugged and looked me straight in the eye again. I couldn't pull away this time. I just returned his gaze. For a long time. His eyes were like gray water. Icy water. They suck you in, and you can never escape. They freeze you solid and trap you. And the edges are too slippery to ever escape. Drowning in his eyes...
He was drowning too, was. Was drowning in loneliness. But now suddenly something in his eyes had been lifted. And he was free, so it seemed.
They sometimes say the eyes of a vampire suck people in. I have found that is true. Even the eyes of a part vampire...
He smiled suddenly, almost a sneer, revealing his teeth. His fangs. But then, just as suddenly, he closed his mouth and vanished.
I whipped around, confused, and found him in the seat behind me, looking as innocent as can be.
"Ever hear of soul mates?" he smirked.
I suppose it was my turn to look shocked.
"I've told you too much. I'll have to kill you now." He lifted his wand and laughed again. His eyes were once again nasty and evil, but something was different. They had a new light, as if some of the darkness had been lifted.
"Real funny..." I winced. He had been so unpredictable already I wouldn't put it past him to kill me.
Everything was different. Fear was past me now.
"Kedavra." He laughed, whipping his wand at the history book just as a shot of green light burst forth.
I guess I let out a sort of shriek, because at that moment he grabbed me and slammed his hand over my mouth.
"Didn't think I could do that, did you?"
I shuddered and shook my head.
"I wouldn't have killed you." He smirked.
He pulled his hand away then. "I know..." I frowned, looking at the book, which was now a pile of ashes on a charred table. "You can get thrown in Azkaban for doing that."
"For killing a book? I think not. I know how to cast spells and not let anyone know."
"You mean you can away with the laws during the summer?" I gasped.
"Yes..."
Hatred was gone...as much as it ever would be. But who could know?
"But..." I trailed off, realizing I was still sitting in his lap, and his arms were still around me. One around my waist, and the other still right by my neck, where he had not bothered to drop it all the way. It was strangely comforting though. I had always hated him. And yet suddenly, everything was different now. I knew him now, he had shockingly opened himself up, and now he was suddenly and vastly different. I suppose his reputation throughout the school was so far gone no one would ever notice but me. And I knew that was how he wanted it. He liked his reputation. He was still an arrogant jerk.
Just a different kind of one.
I had managed to maintain a part of me when it happened, and I never felt strange. Not even for a second. Although I knew she did.
"You're a different kind of jerk now." I said softly.
He scowled. "Exactly. It's a funny thing called arrogance."
He was back. Just as normally and suddenly as I had suspected. And yet, he was still the same. It was just too hard to into words.
"I still hate you." He said flatly with no emotion. "No matter what you say."
I shrugged.
"At least...I hate you when there's anyone else around..." he trailed off, but I knew what he meant. He still loved his reputation. And he had always loved me.
A/n-That was more of Hermione story...lol, o well...Hermione fic with a lot of Draco. heh heh I prefer just Draco, but whatever -. So...do you think I can still write Draco? Is he somewhat the same? It's the influence of THE BIRD! THE BIG WHITE DOVE-LIKE BIRD WITH DRAGON FEET THAT LOOKS IN MY WINDOWS ALL DAY AND EATS OUT OF MY HAND FOR NO REASON AND HAS SMART EYES AND AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! Never mind, just answer the question.