remembrance, a bleach fanfic

I'm not surprised by the awe I feel when I realise where I am again.

I am in a vast realm of darkness, surrounded by flakes of white the size of stones swirling and dancing around me, contrasting against the black. It isn't snow and it isn't heavy either. If one thinks to look closer they will see a different world entirely through the substance made of pure shimmering gold. Is that world inside? My initial thoughts are that they resemble fragments of a looking glass rather than being tiny images preserved in the fake snow. But I can do nothing to prove it. I had tried to catch one countless times before, to feed my curiosity, but the flecks dissolved at my touch.

Just like snow. But not snow.

It is a frustrating aspect of the bizarre world: to see and yet be unable to feel its contents. I sigh and a cloud leaves my lips as I try to recall how I have come to be here all over again. Words and pictures escape me and I find the answer is lost with them. It is so very frustrating. I give up quickly. If I can't remember now it should come back to me over time. I gaze at the scenery for a moment and place pale fingers on my forehead, wondering where the exit to this realm lies. As enchanting as it is I prefer the real world however ugly it is compared to here. However impure it is. Again I sigh. If I want to find a way out then lingering will do no good. I feel a small pang of hesitance – I'm not sure why - I begin to walk but stop when silver ripples flee beneath my bare feet. I step forward once more and again: ripples. I guess I have found my reason. I resume my action and keep an eye out for a door or something that will let me out but I am distracted by light circles invading the base of my vision. It's unnerving. Am I walking on water or is this only an illusion that I am creating? I can't tell. I have to check my surroundings twice in case I miss anything.

As more time passes I feel like I am wandering aimlessly in a never-ending cosmos of black and white where time and life are non-existent and the only familiar ties I have with it are colours and weather. I want to get out. How did I succeed in doing that last time? How about the time before that, and the time before that? All my memories are a hazy blur.

I can feel panic beginning to settle in my chest as the darkness begins to close in. The space around me is decreasing and the snow is forced to fall faster and harder. My pace quickens and so do my breaths as they leave my quivering lips. I can't understand: why can't I get out? As if connected the snow blows chaotically with my thoughts and a wind I hadn't noticed had formed and it's trying to stray me off course. But that's not all - the snow is cutting me. It's marking me, now shards of glass and not soft flakes. Worlds are tearing at me and I have no shelter from them. I am suddenly aware of just how bare I am; all my flesh is exposed to the harsh set - it's as if I am wishing harm upon myself on purpose without realising it.

Help! Get me out of this blizzard! It hurts! It hurts! I'm scared! I'm-

Abruptly, it stops. The storm calms and returns to its previous routine of serene dance and fall. I see and feel no blood; there isn't a scratch on me. My eyes widen at my unmarked skin, before focusing on the winter weather with confusion.

"Hello?"

I freeze. Who's there? There is not meant to be life here; no living organism can exist in a world of nothing. But then again, here I am doing just that: existing. I look around in an attempt to find the source – it sounded like a woman – but I dismiss it as a figment of my imagination when I see no one else present.

"Oh! You have returned!"

I jump and search for the woman again. Returned? Does that mean that she knows me? That she had and still is watching me? I have never encountered her or anyone else for that matter, leading me to believe my being is lonesome. Clearly I am wrong.

"You have been gone for such a long time!"

I see her. A glowing figure of light (a tranquil majesty personally crafted by the Gods) stands in the far distance, ivory strands of hair flowing around her in an enchanting effect. There are flowers entwined in her hair but none compare to how beautiful she is. Not even close. White melts and becomes nothing as they flow and join the solid pool below us.

"I thought you had died! And yet, here you are!"

I approach her slowly, attracted by her force of life. The closer I get the more I can distinguish. I can see full lips curved into a smile, a smile I can't hear in her voice, and bright golden eyes that are worth far more than gold or jewellery are wide and welcoming. Her figure is slender and feminine and very naked. I am slightly amazed that I'm not bothered by her bare form but rather I find it makes her appearance more appealing. She looks surprised too but I figure it is because I am alive. Her words don't make sense, so I simply cast them aside and continue to come closer. I truly have no memory of dying or even of an experience in such perilous measures.

I am so close.

I hold parted fingers towards her, wanting to touch her, to confirm she is real, but-

"Oh…"

Her lips purse.

"It isn't you."

A frown: is she sad? I don't understand her or her sudden change of emotion. She is a strange woman. There is no one here other than her and myself.

"And I was so happy…"

Perhaps there had been someone here before me? Who? I try to ask but the air swallows my words. I try again and the same thing happens. I can't speak. Without warning her eyes brim and I'm alarmed when they spill.

"I miss you… I miss you so very much…"

She sobs. The display is distressing; such a beautiful creature is anguished before my eyes and yet I can do nothing to calm her: not with words and I doubt that an embrace will help either. This situation isn't unfamiliar except that instead of a familiar person I am wondering how to console a complete stranger. What can I do? I consider leaving but that will be a selfish choice on my part. In the end there is nothing I can do other than touch her. I reach out to wipe her tears away and then there is silence. It stuns me. No sobs, no breaths, no anything. We are motionless and the snow is the only evidence that time is still in motion. I wait, uncertain. I don't know for what. And then it happens;

"How could you?"

I stagger back by the force of her scream, my eyes widening as violent gold burns into my vision. Nails pierce my shoulders as cold hands grip me and shake me senselessly as the woman before me invades my space. Her rage burns. It burns like coal and ice and disintegrates my thoughts. I want her to let go – I need her to let go. I am too stunned to cry and too stunned to push her away.

"How could you, abandon me?"

I recover enough to try (feebly) to force rigid hands off me but I'm unsuccessful as she tightens her grip.

"Are you going to leave me again?"

They are unfathomable words spoken by… by a madwoman! I can't free myself. She is too strong. Laughing, cruel and wild, fills the air like screeching violins. I stare at the nymph in utter awe and disgust as she laughs and cackles and suddenly she pushes me. I stumble and –

Splash!

I'm falling deep

Deep

Deeper into the ocean I had once stood on. But how? I pray vainly that this is an illusion caused by my own stress of been unable to leave here. Laughter still resonates in my ears and my lungs cry for air as I am plunged deeper into the abyss by an unknown force that leaves me paralysed. I hit my limit and gasp for oxygen which only makes it worse – water floods my chest and darkness begins pooling around the corners of my eyes.

I can't…

A light is coming for me. I can see it. It's like a star shooting towards me. I squint through the hazy mess and gasp again when gold and white burns me and lean hands meet around my neck and I flail my limbs and kick at the creature and finally hit the wooden floor.

I blink, confused, at wooden floorboards in front of me – beneath me, actually. My legs are tangled in thin sheets and cling to my skin. I acknowledge my ragged breaths and sweaty skin and I sit up, looking at my dawn-lit room. It was… it was only a dream. The same dream I had been having for weeks. Except this time it was a nightmare. A silly little nightmare which my mind caused – clearly the constant replay of the peaceful dreams is beginning to bore it. I exhale a shaky breath and rest my head in moist palms. Only a dream and yet it felt so genuine, almost drastically so. I remain in my position for what I sense are minutes until my breathing is stable and I look up at the structured mess I lived in as if to confirm that this is my room. Everything is the same: the desk remains in the far corner of the room beside the bookshelf and the wardrobe and my bed still stand beside me with the window on its other side. It is messy in the terms that although I am a 17 year old teenager I am unusually tidy – tidy to the point I scold to the harshest extent anyone else who disobeys the sanitation rules of my den. Mess is a sin and yet I was it. I sigh, deeming myself silly at thinking such unnecessary things but at the same time I'm grateful for the distraction. Although, that is the most entertaining (as negative an entertainment it is) occurrence of my life so far, or even ever. Who was the woman in my newest dream? This was her first appearance in the series of me travelling through the realm of permanent wintry weather. As stunning as she was she was mad too that much I am sure of. Babbling nonsense of "it's [me]" when it wasn't me and then attempting murder, on me no less. It was a ridiculous film starring me as the leading lady and my supporting actress playing a woman in hysterics. But I can't help but feel nostalgic towards her; it's like meeting a friend who had been absent after so many years. There is a warmth in my chest I wasn't aware of in the dream but in reality it is so… vibrant.

My blurry vision shocks me since I have no real reason to cry. I'm not sad or happy or even afraid. I have no reason. I can't count on my emotions to keep themselves together even at nothing.

Loud beeps sound throughout the room and, wiping my eyes, I go to the buzzing clock on my desk. I curse myself for having put it so far from my bed but it helps to motivate me away from my haven (obviously today my so-called haven wasn't playing its role). I turn off the object and I peek at the time: 6:45am. It's been tomorrow for six hours now. Whatever that was doesn't matter because it isn't going to happen again. This is the beginning of a new day and like all the other days with ugly mornings and strange little me I planning on making it a good one.

A/N: Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read the first chapter. I know it's unclear and doesn't seem to relate to the summary but it really does.

Please stick around! :)