Elena watched herself carefully in the mirror, putting on a convincing smile. It had been a long while since she had to play the part of the girl who had lost everything, but was somehow just fine. Despite her hiatus from the role, she slipped into it easily like an old habit. She fixed her hair, pulled her hair back, and nodded to herself.
I can do this.
It's what she had told herself for months now, close to a year even. And she had done exceptionally well, if she did say so herself. She had comforted Caroline, the grieving wife, and Damon, dutifully.
She had cried just the right amount in front of others to keep them from worrying. She kept it all together, and she was quite impressed with herself. The only habit she'd picked up that was worrying was her routine visits to Stefan's grave where she wrote in her diary. She brushed this off as a way to honor him- a healthy way to cope. That's what she told herself, as well as others. She had done a fine job coping, even if it was harder some days than others.
That day just so happened to be one of those harder days. Elena had known it from the second she rose out of bed, the sinking feeling in her stomach hitting her as the sun rays peaked through her window and reminded her the day had come.
It was a cool day, the first of November. The day held little significance for most, but for Elena and those close to her, it was Stefan Salvatore's birthday. For the first time in over a century, he would not be turning a year older.
Caroline, of course, wanted to have a party. A celebration of his life, she'd said. Elena knew that truly, her friend was afraid to be left alone with her thoughts on a day that would undoubtedly be overwhelmed with memories of Stefan. She knew because it was exactly how she felt.
Elena managed to finish getting ready, and with Damon at her side, was at Caroline's door much sooner than she'd like. Despite her apprehension, she pulled the blonde in for a hug as soon as the door flew open. They embraced each other tightly, then exchanged sad smiles. Damon simply nodded to Caroline before walking through the door, where Bonnie was already waiting.
They all gathered in the kitchen, where Caroline had laid out too much food. Most of them ignored her carefully prepped cuisine and went for the booze, but Elena stood back and picked at a plate of cheese and crackers. She was afraid of what she might do if she didn't keep herself sober.
She eyed Damon's half full glass of bourbon and sighed. He hadn't taken his brother's death well at all, and unlike Elena, wasn't afraid to show it. It had also taken Damon some time to grow used to his new, lesser tolerance of alcohol as a human. Elena couldn't help but notice that he hated being human almost as much as he hated Stefan being gone. He simply wasn't the same Damon without his vampirism, without his brother. The thought terrified Elena- to think she'd lost both epic loves of her life in such a short time. So, instead of acknowledging the possibility that she and Damon wouldn't work as humans, she suppressed her feelings and slapped a smile on her face.
They sat around a table, no one saying anything for a while. Unsurprisingly, it was Caroline Forbes who broke the silence.
"Why don't we all go around and talk about our favorite memory with Stefan?" She suggested, and Elena resisted the urge to roll her eyes. They'd already played this game, many times. Each time it took everything Elena had to not unravel.
But this day was about Caroline, so everyone played along. Caroline went first, describing their first kiss. Damon went next, retelling a story of the boys' childhood. Even Bonnie had a story about the two from high school. When it came to Elena, her head was already spinning with possibilities. The problem was, many of her favorite memories with Stefan were far too intimate to share. She wanted to save those for herself. Ultimately, she decided to share a memory everyone had already heard- the night Stefan took her to the Ferris wheel. She kept her description short and sweet, tears already beginning to form in her eyes.
Thankfully, they were interrupted when a beep from the oven sounded and Caroline hopped out of her seat.
"My Chicken Parmesan!" She yelled. Elena flinched as a memory of Stefan seemingly punched her in the gut. It was the first meal he'd ever cooked her, after their first fight. She had been angry that he was hiding so much of himself, and he'd shown up in her kitchen to cook he favorite meal. Stefan had always been great at apologies.
Elena fought back tears, and managed to pull herself together. She could feel herself teetering on the edge- she couldn't handle this. She thought she could, but all the memories of Stefan surrounding her were too much. She needed an excuse to leave.
Damon scooted his seat out and huffed. "I guess I should grab some food. One of the very annoying aspects of being human..the constant need for sustenance. Blood was so much easier."
Elena watched as Caroline's lips went from a sweet smile to pursed.
"Yes, being human is so hard." She rolled her eyes, "Poor Damon."
Damon raised a brow and grumbled. "You got a problem with me, blondie?"
Caroline crosses her arms over her chest, refusing to back down. "Yes, actually. Ever since you turned human, all you've done is complain. Which wouldn't be surprising, since that's all you've ever done-"
"Hey-"
"But the thing is, that's Stefan's humanity you took."
"I didn't have a say." Damon argued.
"No, but the least you could do is be grateful. Stefan wanted to be human more than anything, and now you have the life he wanted. So stop whining." She glared at Damon, who reciprocated the look of fury.
"I already told you, I had no choice. Stefan forced being human on me just like he forced me to be a vampire." He said, a bitterness in his tone than even made Selena's blood boil. She and Bonnie turned to look at Damon- their expressions a mix of anger and surprise. Caroline, on the other hand, wasn't surprised in the slightest. If anyone knew how cruel Damon could be, it was her.
"How dare you?" Caroline stepped towards Damon. "He just died for you." Her eyes filled with angry tears and she shoved him backwards. He stumbled back a little, but returned with just as much anger.
"You think I don't know that?" Damon hissed "You think the guilt isn't killing me?"
"No, I don't think it is. Otherwise you'd be dead, instead of Stefan. Just like it should be." Caroline argued, rendering Damon silent.
Elena stood from her seat, and took hold of Damon's arm. "Come on, let's just sit down."
Damon turned to frown at Elena. "You're telling me to sit down? When she just said that I should be dead instead of Stefan?"
Elena shifted. "Can we please just sit?" She asked, giving Damon a pleading look that almost always looked.
"Unless you agree with her." Damon narrowed his eyes. "Unless you think that I should be dead instead of Stefan."
Elena sighed. "Don't be ridiculous-"
"You're not disagreeing." Damon pointed out, his eyes wide.
"I won't choose which one of you I want dead, Damon." Elena argued. "You know how much I love you, and how much I love him."
Damon shook his head. "But it's always been him, right?"
"I chose you." Elena argued, "Remember?"
"Yeah, as a vampire. As a confused teenager exploring her options. Would you still choose me, Elena?"
"Damon, come on. You're being ridiculous." Bonnie was next to speak up, "Don't do this."
"Answer the question, Elena." Damon demanded in a tone Elena wasn't used to hearing directed at her.
"Stefan is dead," her voice trembled, "and you want to know if I'd pick you over him? Really? Are you still that insecure?"
"You're right." Damon finally said, deathly calm.
"Stefan's dead, so it doesn't matter." He turned to Caroline, "though, it would be pretty interesting to know who he'd choose if he weren't."
Elena's heart dropped, and Bonnie stepped closer to Damon, pulling on his other arm. "Stop."
Caroline shook her head, "What do you mean?"
"Elena is finally awake again." Damon started, "Do you think Stefan still would have married you if Elena were there?"
Elena and Caroline both froze, not daring to look at each other. Elena's grip on Damon lessened, and she began to back away. She had never thought about it herself. Watching her best friend and her ex fall in love was one thing, sitting through their wedding would be another. She never had pictured Stefan being anyone's husband but hers. Now, of course, none of that mattered. He was no ones husband, he wouldn't live a happy life with anyone.
His life was over.
He'd never laugh again, or smile.
He'd never greet her with a warm hug, she'd never again feel the comfort that came with his arms being wrapped securely around her.
He'd never have a family, he'd never live his dreams.
He shouldn't be dead. Not yet.
Elena looked around the room and suddenly couldn't be there anymore. Damon's look of anger melted into one of concern as he watched Elena back away from him, and towards the exit.
"Elena, I-"
"Not now, Damon!" Elena yelled, and she started walking to the door at a hurried pace. She felt as if she was going to suffocate if she didn't leave.
"Where are you going?" Bonnie asked, moving towards her. Elena didn't answer her question- she didn't even know. She ran outside without another word and within seconds was in her car, driving.
She didn't have a plan or a destination. There was no safe haven for her to go to- not anymore. The cemetery could only comfort her so much. She drove past the houses, past the cemetery and the town that seemed to be suffocating her. Suffocating her with memories and reminders of the man she'd loved.
Elena didn't realize where she was headed until she was parked. It was the lake house. Her heart ached with the memory of her time with Stefan there. It had been one of the happiest moments of her life. She remembered Stefan cooking for her. Picking her up and kissing her. Everything had been perfect. Even in her hysterical state, a smile tugged at Elena's lips at the thought.
She slowly stepped out of her car and walked the path to the front door. She hadn't been there in years, no one had. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she and Stefan had gone there. They'd gone to escape everything around them. Perhaps Elena was there this time for the same reason.
She walked through the familiar house, the silence and emptiness of it haunting. She could remember the warmth that had filled the house with the fireplace burning and Stefan cooking. Now, she shivered. She found herself in the kitchen, searching the cabinets for something to drink. Anything.
Once she had found something strong enough, Elena didn't bother finding a glass. She began to wander around the house, sipping the bottle, her mind overwhelmed by thoughts she suppressed since she'd woken up. Her mind even wandered to Damon's earlier question: if she had been there, would he have married Caroline? Elena had always felt that no matter what, her love story with Stefan would be unmatched. No matter what, she'd be his epic love. As much as she longed for her best friend and soulmate to be happy, she had to admit, selfishly, that she wanted them happy separately. It had allowed her to understand how Stefan must have felt the entire time she and Damon were together.
But it didn't matter now. None of it did. Stefan was dead.
Elena finished her walk around the house and wandered outside, her eyes landing on the dock. Stefan had once wrapped his arms around her in that spot, telling her it would all be a memory one day.
Memories, Elena thought bitterly as she walked across the land to get to the wooden structure. Stefan had told her the first time they met that they were too important. Elena didn't understand the point of memories, if all they ever did was cause pain.
Elena found herself standing at the edge of the dock, wrapping her arms around herself to protect her skin from the sting of the wind. Her legs wobbled, unsteady. She had certainly had too much to drink. In an effort to not fall into the water, Elena took a seat on the wood, her legs hanging off the platform over the water. She took another sip of alcohol and gazed over the water. It was dark, hard to see, but the moon cast a light just bright enough for her to see the surface of the water.
She took a breath, practically trembling. Her eyes were brimmed with tears. She didn't know what she was doing there, or why she'd taken off. She didn't understand what she was feeling. All she knew was that she needed a way out of this pain.
Something that had always helped her was talking to Stefan. Something about it had always had a calming effect, a sense of understanding and unconditional love. Elena missed that.
With that thought in mind, Elena pressed her lips together and began to speak.
"Stefan," she spoke his name carefully, like the impact might be enough to break her. "I don't know why I'm here. I just...I think i was looking for somewhere safe. Somewhere I could feel safe. But after being here, I know I'm not at the right place. I didn't feel safe here because it was here, I felt safe because I was with you."
Elena took another shaky breath, and continued. "Now, I sort of just feel lost. Alone. Sad."
A tear rolled down her cheek, and Elena wiped it away angrily. "No. I've done this already. I've cried, I've mourned. I've been sad. I don't want to be sad anymore." She took another swig. "I'm mad, Stefan." She laughed bitterly.
"We've forgiven each other for a lot, Stefan. All the lies, the betrayals, my relationship with Damon. Everything was forgivable." Elena shook her head, "but this?"
"You left me. After you promised you'd always be here. After you told me I had you, I told you you had me." Elena slammed the bottle down on the wood, and it shattered in her hand. She cursed as the glass shattered and cut her hand, but continued.
"How many times have we fought over my trying to be a martyr? Then you go and pull this?" Elena glared at nothing. "You're a hypocrite, and a liar, and...and the love of my life." Elena's body wracked with sobs yet again.
"You were human Stefan! I was human!" Elena yelled into the night. She stood up and began pacing back and forth, cradling her injured hand. "Don't you remember? The life we could've had? The life you could've had, whether it was with me or not. It was all you've ever wanted, and you just gave it up. Why do you get to be the selfless hero? Why couldn't you have been selfish just this once?"
"You chose to come into my life. You let me fall for you, let me depend on you. Then you left." Elena closed her eyes. "We were supposed to have forever. Whether that was together or apart you were supposed to be here. Now I'm supposed to just go on. How do I do that Stefan?"
With his name still on her lips, Elena slipped off the edge of the pier. The darkness had swallowed her feet, and her balance was off. Elena didn't realize she had misstepped until she felt the freezing water consuming her, stinging her cut hand. The shock of the sudden cold and inability to breathe was enough for Elena to become alert. She thrashed underwater, struggling to find the surface. The last time she was trapped under water, Stefan had been there to save her. This time no one would be there.
Elena's muscles grew tired, and her lungs burned. She was exhausted, and she didn't want to keep fighting.
But that would be giving up. If she died, Stefan would have died for nothing. Stefan would be screaming for her to fight, to not back down. She could practically hear him, yelling at her to keep going.
Find the one thing inside of you that makes you want to live.
His words rang in her ears, and they kept her from sinking further as she began to swim in the direction she believed was up. She swam and fought against the water until her head broke the surface and she was gasping for air. Her arms flailing on either side of her, Elena managed to keep herself afloat until she reached the dock and pulled herself back into the wood. She sat in a puddle, coughing and attempting to catch her breath.
When her heartbeat had slowed, and her lungs were filled with air once again, Elena managed to pull herself into a sitting position. She looked over the lake again, and smiled to herself. "Thanks."
She pulled herself to her feet and walked back into the house. There, she was able to clean and bandage her hand properly. She found old but clean clothes in a back closet, leaving her wet clothes out to dry. Elena set the fireplace burning and sat beside it, letting the warmth dry her. It was in that spot that Elena fell asleep, exhausted from the screaming and fighting for her life. It certainly hadn't been the evening she'd expected.
When Elena woke, sunlight was peaking through the curtains. Birds chirped outside the window, and the water was moving calmly outdoors. Elena found herself healed and dry, and it was a new day.
Stefan was gone, but that didn't mean everything he'd done had been in vain. After all, he had died so she could live. The only way to honor him would be to respect his wishes. He'd taught her how to be strong on her own, and now she would be. She could live, knowing that she could because Stefan had guaranteed it. She would have a career she loved, and a family she loved even more. She'd live a full life, the life Stefan had deserved but never got.
After all, if he could die for her, she could live for him.