My mind is a little confused right now, so I hope by writing this it will help me sort things out. I'm tired of hiding this. I've been having food trouble lately. It's not exactly a new thing, I've had a bit of a funny relationship with food for a few years, but it never lasted more than a few days. I didn't do it because I wanted to lose weight, I know that's what you'll be thinking it's because of and I want you to know that's not the whole truth. Of course I want to be smaller now, and I wanted to be smaller then. My body disgusts me, I want to change it, but I'm under no allusions that getting rid of fat will make me beautiful. It can't give me a head transplant, a new body, a new personality. I did this in the past because of the feeling the act itself gave me. It's hard to describe, but I'll do my best because I really want somebody to understand. At first there's just normal hunger pains, but after a little while - usually a day to a day and a half – that fades away and it leaves behind something else. It was a beautiful feeling. It makes everything around you clearer. I felt alive. Sounds, smells, voices - they were all more intense. Although I myself felt like I was floating I didn't feel like I was floating away. Instead, it was like I was so absorbed by what was going on around me and the feeling inside me that I forgot to engage fully with everything. I was still functioning, still working and talking, but people always said I was quieter in this stage and that's the best reason why that I can think of. Once that feeling fades away it leaves heaviness inside you. My bones felt sleepy, and I felt like there was this vibration inside me, like it feels when you touch your throat as you're humming. I have no idea why I felt like that, but it made me feel safe and distant so i liked that one too. And all the time I don't eat, it makes me feel pure, and clean.
I never got any further than this stage before because I still lived at home and it's hard to disguise it for any large amount of time before people get suspicious. Luckily with me being busy and going to lots of different places I could hide it from friends and family just by lying and saying I'd ate somewhere else. As I say though, you can only keep this up so long and eventually I'd have to eat again. The only people who really noticed were at work. We eat together, and being with them almost every day and all day they couldn't be fooled by these lies. But eventually I'd go back to eating and they'd see that and try and forget about it. They know about this now though. They can tell it's lasting longer, and i think they're starting to get worried. They're the only people that know.
I said above I did this in the past because of the feelings it gave me. But this time it's different. I haven't been hungry. At all. It's like my insides have switched off. And the feelings didn't come. My family went away recently and it started soon after that, when I had stopped having them in my life. If I'm honest I think that's what I was waiting for. This is the first time I've been here on my own. Even now I'm not free because of the people at work which frustrates me sometimes, but I'm more free at least.
I can't even think how it started. I didn't make a conscious decision not to eat, it just came to dinner time and I wasn't hungry so I didn't bother making anything. That was weeks ago, and I haven't ate a proper meal – or kept one inside me – since then. That's another thing that's been different since the times in the past. If I've been forced to eat, by going out for a meal with family when they flew over for the weekend or being out with work when they know I hadn't eaten that day because they've been with me all day I've thrown it up the first chance I got. It doesn't even feel bad to do. It's even a relief now, although in the past I found it unpleasant and I've only been sick when I was actually ill. Now when I have to eat, I feel disgusted, sickened, and I ask myself what am I doing? I feel weak, pathetic, disgusting, every time I put it in my mouth. And proud and relieved when I get it out of me again.
God, how pathetic. there are so many people in the world who have real issues and get on with their life healthily and show real bravery. I've always had a comfortable life, and here I am whining for no reason.
Anyway, I'll carry on. I also said above the main reason for doing this isn't for getting smaller. In the past it was for the feeling, but that's gone now. All the feelings have gone, I don't even get hungry. Well, almost all – I feel confused, because I don't know why I'm doing this, what my aim is. I wish I knew, I don't want to be like this. I want life to be uncomplicated, but now it's always on my mind. I feel disgusted by myself as well. Looking at what I've written so far it seems that I actually do have a lot of feelings at the minute and it's occurred to me that I'm wrong - it's not that I don't feel anything, it's that I don't know what I'm feeling or that too many emotions are mixed up inside me for me to understand them. In a strange way, that's comforting.
Sometimes I eat even when I don't have to, when I'm alone. I don't exactly binge, I don't eat enough for it to class as that I think, but for me it's a lot. It's not because I feel hungry, or I want it – I don't, it gives me a headache when I look in my cupboards and try to think about what to have. To be honest I feel guilty. I know the people I work with are worried about me, so I want to be normal so they can stop worrying and talking about me behind my back. I'm worried too, because I don't want my family to find out. We're not a close family; we don't talk about our feelings. It would be horrifying to have to tell them all this. But at the same time, I feel better when I don't eat. I love that I'm fastening my belt a notch tighter. I love that when I lie down in bed at night and fold my arms across my chest I feel my ribs. When I think of losing the layer on my shoulders and hips and stomach I feel happy. When I think of feeling pure and clean and empty I feel happy. I love when I'm walking and I feel tired and shaky - I know it sounds bad to be feeling that way but it makes me feel alive. Of course I can't let that go too far, it would be unimaginable if I fainted in work or something, I can't stand to think what the people who work with me would do if that happened. I already can't stand to see the way they look at me sometimes, and that would make it so much worse. I feel hot and flushed every time they ask me about food. I can lie to other people easily, but I know they know and it makes it a lot harder. So to make sure I always have energy, I drink strong black coffee with sugar and cordial and they keep me going, keep me focused. Whatever I do eat I throw back up, whether I was forced to eat it or not.
I don't know what's going on. My emotions are all messed up. It's all confusing. I don't want to tell people, I'm scared of them finding out and of what they'd do, but I'm scared of how I'm feeling. In the past I was always in control, but I don't feel in control anymore. I wish I could just be better, be healthy, but how do I get there? Do I even really want to? I don't want to damage my body; I know eventually this could even kill me but it's strange, I know that but thinking about it doesn't make me feel anything, I just know it's logical not to make yourself ill. But I hate the feeling of eating. It sickens me. I was so happy the first time I was sick. I felt like I'd found some magic answer that would let me do this but keep it hidden. Now because I've got everything mixed up in my head I can't feel that anymore. I wish everyone would leave me alone so I didn't have the guilt of hiding this from them and I could just be free. That's why I wrote this, so I could get it all out in a safe way. I don't know if it's really helped, I'm still confused, but at least I've tried. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it hidden. I don't know what the people at work will do. I don't know if I'll end up killing myself through this. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I just know that it makes me feel better, and I wish people would leave me in peace to do it.
What is happening to me?
Why am I doing this?
What should I do?