Puffy's War

A second exercise in Star Ocean: TTEOT free advertising as brought to you by khaki knight.

Disclaimer: Star Ocean and related ideas, characters, etc. are the legal property of Square-Enix/tri-Ace. Characters, etc. are only borrowed for what I hope will be entertainment purposes. Also, I'm really not making any money off this – honest! This disclaimer applies to the entire work. Insert more legal jargon here if it will keep me from facing a lawsuit. For great justice.

OOO

So, like, it all started because some jerks didn't have manners.

What? It did! It wasn't my fault! It's those jerks. They're always taking advantage of me! I try to be nice, but nooo, they gotta fling it back in my face! It's enough to drive a girl crazy!

What? What do you mean 'What happened?'? I told you! They were rude!

What do you mean 'who are they!' Don't be silly! They! Them! Those Guys! Do I have to spell out everything to you? ...moron.

Fine. Fine! I'll start at the beginning. In the beginning, there was nothing, then Luther said, hey, let's program some light into—what? 'Get to the point'? Hey, who's telling the story here? Yeah, that's right, I am, so back off! Now, where was I…? Oh yeah…

So, there I was bumming around in some little town somewhere… uh, I forget which town… or where for that matter. But that's not important! Pay attention!

So I was minding my own business… okay, so I wasn't really doing anything, and I was kinda bored, but so what? That happens to lots of people!

Like I was sayin', I was leaning against this wall in some Podunk little harbor town, when this guy just comes sauntering up to me. I've never seen this guy before in my life and he just strolls right on up to me? I don't think so!

Maybe if he were handsome—well, no, actually he was kinda handsome in an 'I've got blue hair and a tail' sort of a way. (Seriously, what was up with that place? It was like everybody had a tail there! Weirdos. What? Quit looking at me like that!)

But I had been watching this guy, though. He just went around, barging into people's houses, sometimes stealing the stuff inside—what kind of person does that? I told you they were rude!

Remember, though, I'm a generous soul—Hey, quit laughing! (...jerk) Like I said, because I'm such a nice person, I decided be friendly, and offer my services for the low, low price of 600—

HEY! Not like that! (...pervert) It was my Super Deluxe Ultimate Grade A Dungeon Navigator Deluxe 3000 (SDUGA-DnD 3000)! Well… He looked like an honorable warrior... but he took advantage of me! ... No! Not like that! That price was practically a steal for using my high tech…uh…narrative skills.

'What do I mean?'? Well, uh, that is… I had him close his eyes and I used my clearly superior narrative skills to describe a dungeon experience to him… What? That's a perfectly viable way of creating a 'virtual' reality!

... I was not ripping him off! He was ripping me off!

Oh, wait, it gets better! Then this cat…er, did I say cat? I meant chimera, this chimera came out of no where, and tail boy was only level one, but even so, nooo, he didn't want to play rock-paper-scissors for his life—the fair and honorable solution in that situation. No, he decided to throw a flare bomb at that poor, defenseless chimera!

... Well, sure, I was the one who actually threw the flare bomb, but still! That poor, cute little chimera, getting scared off like that… That rude, inconsiderate jerk!

And yet even after that, I still allowed him to keep playing! I even rewarded him with a saber at the end. A saber! That's, like, 100 fol returned to him right there!

Oh, but wait – at the end, when the vile demon king Naos begs for his life, tail boy decides that I have to play his role and take whatever medicine he was peddlin'. So I agree, thinking that he would be kind enough to give me a blueberry (I like blueberries…). He and his cronies did some conferring, and they gave me a melt potion! A melt potion!

That's really when it started. I could almost excuse the rude attitude, the inconsiderate nature. But he—they—crossed the line. I decided that there was no way I was going to play with them again. But more importantly, I knew that I needed my revenge. I couldn't let their kind of order spread.

What do you mean 'it's not that big of a deal'? Of course it's a big deal! I don't think you quite appreciate the gravity of the situation. We can't allow that sort of capriciousness to overtake our universe! Busting into houses, throwing flare bombs at kitt—er, chimeras, giving me melt potions (seriously, have you ever tasted a melt potion?)! No more! I knew the line must be drawn right then and there…

But, uh… I got kinda lost when I was looking for them… um… and then some time passed, but I'm not exactly sure how long, and I ended up in this really weird place…

'What kind of weird?'? I don't know! Weird! The décor seemed to consist of squiggly squares stacked on top of one another!

... Yeah, you're damn right that's weird! And! And, that entire place was suffused with a really bizarre energy – like, like a powerful electric field that kind of made my head hurt. But it did give me more power! Power enough to control a beastie I found there! (Come to think of it, though, that beastie was weird too…).

So I watched, and I waited, because I knew that they would be coming. How did I know? I just knew, okay, so drop it!

…But I got bored again, so I did some more wandering around. So it was perfectly understandable when they managed to sneak up on me. Sure, they had cleverly disguised themselves, and sure, they acted nothing like they had before, and sure, the leader didn't have a tail… but it was them! I could feel it!

They had caught me by surprise, so I decided to distract them by using my dazzling intellect. …You'd better not be snickering! Since they were playing dumb about our vendetta, I decided to toy with them by having them tell me my name.

... What do you mean 'that doesn't make any sense?'! It makes perfect sense! See, that way they know that I know that they really do know my name, and I'm taunting them. Oh no, don't you give me that look—it was a brilliant stalling maneuver.

But like I figured, they got it wrong…er…uh...well, maybe not, but that's not important! What is important is I had enough time to summon my beastie to finally put an end to their reign of terror! Hah! Boy did my beastie give it to them! They had to run away like little girls! I had never felt so satisfied…

I retired back to my little campsite, in a far corner of the level of the weird place. But then my beastie… I tell you, those guys must have done something to my poor weird little misunderstood beastie, because he was all angry and violent and not at all cuddly (…not that I cuddled with him before or anything…). He attacked me! I fell on my behind! He took my key! That isn't right!

And then those people come streaking back onto the scene and beat him in one blow! One blow! That means that they were faking the entire first time and just made my beastie mad so that it would attack me so that they could play the hero!

Then they got my key and just merrily skipped away... without even bothering once to check on me! What kind of sick, immoral person does that to a lady? Hmm? I ask you. No, seriously, I'm asking. What? You don't know? Harumph!

If only my beastie hadn't taken my key... Wait... come to think of it... That was probably part of their plan too! Damn! Will their machinations never cease?

But I wasn't through yet! This time I had a back-up plan! I skipped down a few levels—

... Huh? What is it this time? How did I get down to the next floor without the key?

… … That's not important! What is important is I got down a few levels and waited for them. I locked the door to the next floor solidly and hid behind a heavy screen.

Then they arrived and I decided to have a little fun with them. I demanded that they… feed me gourmet cuisine! Well, excuse me! I hadn't had a good meal in all the time that I had been in that weird place!

Everything was going fine (I hate to admit it, but they could do wonders with a Granze sea urchin…), but then they reverted to old tricks! They gave me a platter of rotten sashimi and some spicy bundt cake (at least, I think it was supposed to be bundt cake), the jerks… I was sooo sick… I even unlocked the door in my delirium. The fiends!

By the time I came to, they were long gone. I vowed with Luther as my witness, I would never allow them to continue spreading their madness and bad food!

But…uh… I got lost again. Somehow, I managed to get stuck in another weird place, but this one was made of hexagons rather than squares, so whoop-de-freaking-doo! That place had its own energy, too, and sooner rather than later I had my powers of control back! Mwa-ha! I was gonna show those jerks this time! There would be no way that they could stand up to the motley crew of beasties I had scrounged up this time!

…Umm… You know what they say about the best laid plans…? Sure, the first time my beasties acted all right, even though they got the stuffing beaten out of them, but then they—for yes, they were back, just like I knew that they would be, even though they went through yet another costume change and attitude adjustment—turned them, and my beasties turned on me… again!

And then those inconsiderate jerks have the nerve to try and act all heroic again! Nuh-uh! Not buying it! I knew their game—they were just trying to get the key to the next floor out of me yet again!

So I bolted, just like last time. Ha! Showed them good, didn't I?

…Um… On an unrelated note, I seriously I really need to sew more reliable pockets in this dress… What? Okay, fine, so my pockets let me down, and I lost my key, and those jerks took it—and they didn't even offer to give it back!

And then, I was hiding out in my lab, but I kept thinking about how this was just like the last time we had met and then I remembered the sashimi and bundt cake, and…my tummy got upset, okay? It happens to everyone once in a while! You wanna make an issue of it?

Finally, though, those people did something I didn't expect. They went and gave me a stomach remedy after they heard my cries of pain. Not that they did so out of any altruistic feelings—they just wanted another shot at the SDUGA-DnD, I'm sure of it! I had upgraded it to 6000 by then. …Stop laughing!

But, seeing that I would not part with my SDUGA-DnD technology, they tried switching tactics—they wanted me to work for them. To work for them?

Them, the representation of everything that was wrong in the universe, the leaders of the forces of not-niceness and rudeness!

Them, the advantage-takers of young, innocent, defenseless ladies such as myself (I swear, one peep out of you and I'll break you in half!) and purveyors of bad cuisine?

I should think not!

However… my dazzling intellect quickly came up with an alternate plan. They seemed honest in their desire to work with me. I could use that to destroy them! I would crush them from the inside—huh?

What? No that makes perfect sense! No, you're wrong, because you can crush something from the inside! No, I'm not talking about implosion! No, see, you just have to—forget it! Just shut up and let me finish!

I would use their one weakness—the weakness for me and my stupefying talents (can the laughter, jerk!)—against them! That was how I would finally end this savage circle! That's right, no more Miss Nice Puffy! I'm going to stop you this time! No more, five years before! No more, seven years before!

OOO

The door to the workshop slammed shut, and Fayt looked to his companion on the compounding work line. "That has to be the strangest conversation I've ever had with anyone."

Puffy's little tirade had started when Fayt had innocently inquired as to how she was feeling that morning, as they worked on producing her latest invention. When the rant had concluded, Puffy had stood up and stormed out of the workshop, all the while chanting those last two phrases.

Fayt looked back to the door. "What on earth was she talking about?"

His companion looked over at Fayt and shrugged. "Don't ask me. I've always said that onewas a few mandrakes short of a bubble potion. Where in god's name did you find her?"

Fayt thought back to the bizarre dungeon below the Kirlsa Mine and shook his head. "Don't even ask." With that, the two went back to work.

The End