"Dammit, shut the hell up!"

The Evil Lord Voldemort looked out the window of his office. The fucking birds were chirping so loud he couldn't concentrate on his very important workload. It was only ten in the morning.

His head was throbbing. Too much drinking with his work buddies the night before. Never again, he thought, massaging his smooth, pale head. It had all been a blur. Pieces of it came back to him in little bits as he waved his arms around a bit to get rid of the birds. "I'll scramble your children!" he yelled very loudly as the birds took off and left him in peace. He felt better. Yelling always took the edge off of a wicked headache.

"Ah, peace at last," he smirked, steepling his fingers and surveying the view from his window.

"MORNING SIR!"

Voldemort jumped. He'd spoken too soon about that peace thingy. "What is it now, Lucius," he snapped in a tone that he hoped conveyed his annoyed nature.

"I-I brought you a latte."

"Oh yeah? Where's it from?"

"That little café down the alley."

"Oh good, you know I can't deal with that Starbucks namby-pamby bullshit," he said, taking the latte. Mmm, lattes. One of his major weaknesses. He knew the foam made him bloated, and that he should probably switch to non-fat before he lost his figure, but dammit he just didn't care! The first sip was like heaven… he felt the caffeine rushing through his veins, much in the way he felt the hand of Wormtail and the blood of Harry Potter rushing through him. "Mmm, Harry Potter," he sighed, taking another swig.

"What's that, sir?" asked Lucius.

"Erm… nothing. So! Any luck finding a new assistant for me?" he asked, swiveling to survey the view again. It was something he did often, especially in front of his employees. He liked to think it conveyed that he was the boss, the one in charge. Little did he know, his employees just thought it made him seem like more of a douchebag.

"Well, we couldn't really find anyone who doesn't already work here who supports you. As you know sir, you aren't exactly the man of the hour."

He nodded. "That's okay. I'm okay with that."

Lucius continued. "Sooo, I had to bring in some people who… well, don't agree with your politics, but certainly have impressive resumes."

Voldemort nodded. "Okay, like who?"

"Well, Hermione Granger."

"A mudblood? You hired a MUDBLOOD to be my assistant's assistant?"

Lucius gulped. "Well, we haven't hired her… yet. We'd figured you'd be a little mad about it, so I'm asking you first."

"When did she apply for the job?"

"Well, she didn't actually apply."

Voldemort put on his best what-the-fuck face. "Quit playing with me, Lucius. What are you getting at?"

Lucius smiled his best I'm-so-smart smile that really made him look quite stupid. "WELL, sir, I tricked her into it! How, I shan't say, but let me just tell you that if you hire her to be your assistant's assistant, she has to do it! And she has to do it… FOR FREE!"

"HIRED."