Chapter 1: Sleepless

It's just a game. That's why I let her. This is fun. We're fucking each other over because we find our misery to be some kind of fucked up joke and neither of us wants to be the first one to quit. Like, it's some kind of competition to see which one of us will snap first.

It's a game. That's why she can bite me all she wants. Fffuuuuck, yeah… it's a game, and I won't be the first one to… moan. She's so fucking nasty... I fucking hate this bitch. That's why we keep meeting here like a couple of animals; neither one of us willing to cave in to the shame, waiting to see which of us will be the bastard to rat on the other.

I got the will to drive myself sleepless

"I'm going to kill you, babe…"

"Then fucking do it, you cold bitch, mmmm…"

So much time is cashed
So much smoke is wasted
Sudden disappearance
In the air is thick and cool

This is so wrong. I fucking love it. I don't even care… that she's…

"…Shikamaru."

"Don't say my name like you know me. Just shut up and take it…"

"Shikamaru."

"Damnit! You're killing it," I'm so sick of this. Don't make me fucking realize what we're doing. Just don't. Just shut your whore mouth.

"…Shikamaru."

"Ah, fuck! What?!" I can't get off to this shit. Get off my lap, don't touch me like that, like you know me. You're just the fucking zombie freak who fucked up everything for me. You're the murderous rancid bitch who did this to me, you put me here. Keep your dirty hands off my chest. I need a light.

I can't approach myself
Skidding over this perdition
And now I'm out on the verandah
When I should have gone to school

"… Shikamaru. I'm… shit…"

"Fucking spit it out already, you're such a fucking drag…"

"…"

"What? Damnit, what is this shit? You saying you're done? Shit, fine, go already! Fuck this… fuck this…"

What are you thinking. What nauseating horror is dripping into your mouth so foul you feel the need to share it. What shit-smelling vomit is circulating inside that head of yours. I don't want this. Why am I the foul-mouthed asshole here. No. I'm done.

Well I call for sleep,
But sleep it won't come to me
Shuffling in the hallway,
I can hear him on the stairs

"I'm pregnant."

I hear his lighter flicking.
I hear the soft sigh of his inhale.
And the whole width of my intentions
He exhales into the air.

It's just a game. It was never anything more. It never would be. We spared each other that baggage. That's why she can dig her nails in me. That's how she dug herself inside of me. I guess I bit back.

I got the will to drive myself sleepless.

"… You… you stupid…"

It's just a game. She's fucking with me. We want to ruin each other. It's fun.

"Fine. I quit. You win. YOU WIN. Alright?! You fucking won, cockshit, game over, you get the metaphorical trophy of my sanity. You fucking win. Stop crying! Stop crying already damnit, you win, it's over! Take your fucking lies and go!"

"I'm pregnant you stupid fuck!"

"Stop it! Just get out of my head!"

"Shikamaru!"

"No! You're not going to get to me! You can't touch me! There's no way I'm going to let this bullshit-… Shidan…"

"I'm not playing, Shikamaru… I'm not… I want…"

"…Holy shit." No. No no no. This isn't happening.

"… The holy lord Jashin saw us, and instead of punishing me for my sins, he… gave this to me."

Why are you doing this.

"Shikamaru. Just… fucking. Please."

Please, what. What do you want from me. What more can you take from me.

"Listen to me you worthless cocksucker! I want to have this fucking baby with you!"

What on earth is this women trying to say to me. I don't. Fucking. Understand. It's like she's speaking another language. No, I'm done. I'm not doing this. This isn't what I signed up for.

"Fuck! What the hell have we been doing this whole time?! Look at me! Shikamaru!"

This isn't funny.

"You bastard! I'll… I'll kill you for putting this thing inside me! You fucking did this to me! You fucking bitch I will kill you!"

"Then do it already."

What have I done.

Skeedunt, stunt the runt,
Smoking buddha blunt.

Clammy hands around my neck. Rage. Pulsing red rage. Salty wet rage. But you did this to me, you psychopathic murdering bitch! I'll kill you back!

Fists and teeth and dirt and crack. What are we doing.

I got the will to drive myself sleepless.

The sun is beginning to rise, warm and bright on our tired eyes, highlighting our pretty blue bruises and cuts, blood sparkles everywhere. Warm on our arms, entangled soft. Entangled scared. Vulnerable. Open. Our secret valley revealed to the sky, caught in the act and we stare back, guilty and shamelessly. We open ourselves to the sky, quiet. The birds are furious at us.

What's done is done.

Take responsibility, she says. Fine. "Marry me."

"… You don't even fucking know me."

I'm too tired for her mind-games.

"We'd have plenty of time to find out." Isn't this what you want? Damnit, make up your mind.

An image flashes in my head of some picnic scene. With this. Monster baby. My monster baby with this monster woman. She's not even human is she. It's so hideous I shudder and have to stand up, I feel nauseous enough to vomit with nothing in my stomach. The idea alone is enough disgust to last a lifetime. Take responsibility she says.

"This isn't going to work."

"No. No it's not," I agree, between heavy breaths.

"Let's run away."

"Are you stupid? Is that the best you've got? Guh, I'm gonna be sick…"

"You got any better fucking ideas fuckface? Let's get out of here. Fuck Akatsuki. Fuck Konoha. Let's just fucking go."

"No! I'm not like you. I'm loyal to something other than myself. You fucking go." I won't leave my village for this. This is stupid.

She's lost it at this point, her temper explodes, she stands and swings at everything in sight growling and throwing out expletives like angry hate-bombs until she just stands and screams, tugging at her hair and cloths, a typical outburst, but at least a less-violent one than normal.

I can't possibly live with her, I don't know her, but the few things I do know I can't live with. Fuck. I can hardly live with myself. I'm too young. I have nothing to offer her or her fucking abomination monster child. I'm not going to just be her baby-daddy.

The only way I could possibly think it would work is… if she gave up Jashinism and joined Konoha. But that will never happen. 'Course her solution would be for me to join Akatsuki or whatever and betray everything I believe in. And that will never happen. There's no way this will work. My stomach is caving in on itself.

Shidan, sits, defeated. There is nothing we can do. I can't. She can't. We just won't.

"… Shidan. I know a medic-nin. She would never betray me. We could trust her to…"

"To kill it?!" She's fucking lost it. "You want me to just fucking get rid of it like it never happened? Like we never happened?! Fuck!"

"Why are you making this so difficult?! You must be stupider than I thought! Fucking women! What the hell do you expect me to do? Just drop everything for this? When this should have never happened in the first place? I'm not doing this with you! Just standing here talking about it is treasonous!" I cannot handle the stupidity.

"How the fuck do you think I feel? This is fucking blasphemy-"

"Blasphemy my ass! Don't give me that shit. I don't care what you do. You need to go. And if I ever see you again, I will fulfill my fucking duty as a shinobi of the hidden leaf village and take you out for good. Pregnant or not. Don't you fucking mistake me for some fool." I shove my burning cigarette on her shoulder and she just glares at me, as we stare each other down. She breaks first.

"…Fucking… Please. Please. Please don't do this."

"Do what? Take out a dangerous criminal? You're fucking lucky I'm letting you off easy now. I should just kill you here."

"Yeah, right, twerp, don't even kid yourself, now shut up for a shit-fucking-minute and listen to me."

I sigh. Yeah, that is a bluff. If we actually got into a real battle I'd be dead ten minutes ago. If she wanted me dead, I would not be standing here. Still. "I'm listening. All ears, bitch."

I was just playing around.

"I care about you."

Damnit. I can't do this.

"Are you listening? I fucking care about you. I don't want to just fucking walk away. Don't you turn your back on me! Don't you fucking dare!"

"I'm right here. I'm right here."

"Shikamaru… Fucking… figure this shit out. With me. Do this with me. Just fucking try."

I don't want to. Why are you doing this? Am I supposed to believe all of this? This is some fucking ploy, some kind of trap. My head is killing me.

"We can't… don't you get that? We can't."

"Yes we fucking can! Fuck this war! Fuck these fucking shit-mongers, these ninja assholes and their sob-stories! Let's, I don't know, fucking raise this baby or something!"

"You really don't get it. You can't just up and walk away from who you are. And I won't… I won't do it."

"Yes, you fucking can-"

"Shidan. I am not ready to be a father. And I will never be ready to father anything that comes out of you."

Silence. We've exhausted our arguments. There's nothing to do. Except walk away. I can feel the frustration without looking at her. It's over now.

I got the will to drive myself sleepless

She finally disappears, gone to who knows where. It's finally over. It's all over. It never happened. I can go back and live a normal life. Or can I? Who cares. I'm done. You win.

My legs are as heavy as lead. I walk casually back to the village, until I can hop over the wall, silently, and start towards my apartment. It's all over. I'm so fucking selfish, aren't I? She's finally gone.

Gone. I let her go. I had to.

To be continued.