A follow up to "The Crush" where Phil Coulson speaks to each team member about recent events. As Skye describes it, being called into Phil's office is akin to being called into The Principal's Office.
INTRO
The band is back together again.
The first day back, Phil Coulson notices that there is a split among the team but he doesn't say anything. He usually observes closely and then decides on a plan of attack. Snap judgments are well and good, but sometimes utterly wrong, and there's time. Let the band shake out their issues and he'll only get involved if it's necessary. On the second day, he categorizes the split as it's more obvious that there is a serious amount of dysfunction occurring. FitzSimmons and Skye have always normally hung out together, but now staging occurs so Simmons is never without one of them. Ward is not part of their group, but he is tolerated if he arrives when they are in the kitchen or when they are playing board games. However, he is not invited to their get-togethers or included in their conversations.
A mass evacuation occurs by FitzSimmons and Skye if Ward and May appear together. Both Fitz and Skye escort Simmons out of the room, one on each side of her, loudly chatting and being friendly.
If May shows, the trio just leaves. No conversation, no nothing. They just quickly leave. They aren't even discreet about it. He knows Melinda May well enough to know that the shunning hurts her deeply. Well, the old Melinda May would be hurt.
He's also getting Jasper Sitwell for a few weeks as Hill is busy investigating the entire kidnapping incident. However, Jasper is composed, reliable and a calming influence. However, that means Jasper and Jemma on the same plane so he needs to speak to Jemma before the meeting.
He grabs the last two Tylenol from what he was sure had been a new bottle in his desk drawer. He'll have to get more, and while he's at it, he needs to get more Rolaids.
"Team meeting in thirty," he announces on the intercom. "No excuses."
Three, one and one are the sitting arrangements so Phil stands.
"I've scheduled one to one meetings for this afternoon for all team members. I'll send out the schedule. Also for the next several weeks, we will have a temporary addition to the team. You're all familiar with Jasper Sitwell?"
He had managed to warn Simmons before he made the announcements. She had grimaced but she had accepted the news. Her smile looks forced, but at least she's not cringing.
"Mr. February!" chirps Skye. She rummages for her phone and quickly thumbs through her pics. "Look at this eye candy, Simmons. It's amazing that you could drag him because he's solid muscle."
"Oh my," Simmons agrees after a long and thorough medical examination of Sitwell's photo, while Phil keeps his face expressionless. He decides that he won't ask her about her thoroughness later on as it would be ego-crushing.
Skye notices Ward's facial expression so she chirps, "A girl could get drunk on his eight pack."
SKYE
"Hi AC!" Skye bubbles as she literally bounces into his office. "What's up?"
"Just was wondering how were doing after everything?" He puts the question out and he'll let her answer.
"I'm so glad FitzSimmons are back. I really am, as I was worried that the family was breaking apart," she admits.
He gestures, "Go on," with his fingers.
"I know I missed everything as I was kidnapped with Mr. February," she begins.
"Actually, he's the centerfold this calendar," Phil inserts.
"Mr. Centerfold!" Skye laughs. "Must have been the sawed off shotgun. Can you get me a copy of the calendar? Speaking of which, how does SHIELD ... and a beefcake calendar?"
"No faces are shown, so if it's falls into the wrong hands, they don't see the faces. It's a benefit for SHIELD dependants, so Fury looks the other way."
"Those tats though," Skye comments.
"Photoshopped away," Phil explains while Skye's eyes narrow.
"You know a great deal about this calendar," she says.
He plays stupid but he hopes that she never locates the pictures of Mr. March 1989. It hadn't been a beefcake shot, but instead a picture of him undoing his tie. Classy, but hot, he had been repeatedly assured by the ladies in the SHIELD Traffic Bureau where is still hangs over Millie's desk. To keep his driver's license pristine, he permits her more liberties than anyone else in his life.
Skye continues smiling and then she leans on his desk.
"AC? You and Jemma?" She gives an approving gesture and he shakes her head. "I'm cool with it, so is Fitz. Ward's just Ward and completely blinded by sex with May."
"You know about that?" Phil asks. Really, there are no secrets on a team that lives on a bus, but discretion would be nice. And probably old-fashion.
"Yes, I think Fitz describes it as Robo-Sex with Robo-Ward with Robo-May. But... May... Look, I understand that she's your ex and all that and I have to add a disclaimer that she's never liked me but really barging into your hotel room, waving gun? Did that really happen?" Skye shakes her head in disbelief. "That's just nuts."
"May likes you," he protests.
"No, she tolerates me only because of you. If anything happens to you and you leave, she'll slip me a mickey and drop me off in Eritrea. What I'm worried about is while I can handle her dislike, but Simmons is nice and sweet and all those things I'm not," Skye easily admits.
"You're wrong on all counts," Phil inserts because he knows that Skye has a rather tough exterior but internally, not so much. "Except for Jemma being nice and sweet."
"It's the barging into the hotel room business. Was she trying to embarrass Simmons or was she trying to put in a position where you lost your cred with the team? Because, you didn't lose any cred with me... and Fitz and I can't figure out why she did it. Fitz said something about the fact that she was irked because it was a mock kidnapping, but... seriously... Ward and her pulling guns on you? And would you really organize a mock kidnapping after what happened with you and Simmons and not tell her? I mean, I got the fake note, so at least that's why I played along with Jasper. The note did sound like you."
Phil says nothing, because silence makes people uncomfortable. Skye feels the need to fill the silence.
"Sitwell, eh?" She smiles and leans back.
"He's just killing time in a moderately safe place until everything calms down. To make himself useful he's offered to teach you basic defense. He also promised me that he'll get you to stop yelling 'BANG'. It's rather cute, but not very professional."
Skye shifts so her hair is in her eyes. "You both heard?"
"Bang, bang, bang," Phil dryly says. "Anyway, Sitwell should be on the bus shortly. He's bringing his bike, but his luggage has already been put on board, so show him where to put his stuff, etc. He's also willing to be a mentor to you as he wore the nanny bracelet for years. It's up to you to decide, but please get him settled."
"I get to be the Cruise Director?" Skye perks up and bounces away, while Phil wonders if he can mix Motrin and Tylenol. With a shot of whisky.
"Those two together are like unleashing the apocalypse."
SITWELL – TRIUMPH ENTRANCE
Skye, being the Welcome Wagon, stands by Lola, ignoring May and Ward, who had just finished having sex, or some shit like that. At one time, Skye would have been willing to admit that she feared and respected May; that she had wanted May's good opinion more than anything but now, it was just fuck that shit. Because May had embarrassed Coulson and Simmons, two people that Skye deeply cared for. It was a good thing that May hadn't gone after Fitz because that would have required Skye to intervene, and hack her savings accounts and send it to some guy in Nigeria. Or perhaps buy thirty tones of sexual lubrication and have it sent to her and Mr. Tight Ass.
Since it was just AC and Jemma, Skye was quite sure that AC could handle it. However, if it had been Fitz? May would have learned that there is no fury like Skye unleashed on her checking account.
There was a sound of rolling thunder, which meant Jasper was arriving. His arrival didn't fail to disappoint as the sheer volume and speed of his arrival earned him a disapproving look from RoboCouple.
He parks the motorcycle, removes his helmet and Skye fangirls as it is a sweet ride.
"Mr. February, is that a Daytona 675R?" she gasps. It's a racing bike, barely street legal with the modifications he's put into it and... it's sweeeet.
"It is, Polka Dot Girl," he agrees.
"I want a ride... on your bike," she quickly adds. "Good thing I like you, else I'd file a complaint that you're calling me Polka Dot Girl."
"And the pictures of me on your cell phone? Did you show them to Simmons, who likes men who are her height but heavier?" Jasper smiles and Skye smiles back at him.
It's easy talking to Jasper, because really, down deep, they're the same, Skye realizes. Both cast offs who wouldn't have been given a chance, let alone a second chance, except for Coulson, and Jasper Sitwell succeeded. So scratch May off the list of people that Skye wants to be like, May's been replaced by Jasper Sitwell. Because he was once An AC Improvement Project and now he was respected and trusted.
"Coulson speak to you about your training? I'm taking it over while I'm on the bus," Jasper explains.
She snaps her fingers and points at him. "Bang, bang."
"That is so being stopped by the time I leave. However, you need to show me around," Jasper announces. He realizes that they have company so he turns serious. "Agents May, Ward."
The three agents exchange pleasantries, while Skye watches. May looks dyspeptic, Ward uncertain and there's Sitwell. An agent who was quite aware that May and Ward had been watching his easy conversation with Skye but who had pretended that he hadn't.
"Principal Coulson has team meetings all day," Skye explains.
"He told me, so I'm to meet with him when he's done with Agent May. Until then, I'm yours," he informs her.
"Follow me, Agent Sitwell," she purrs.
"Jasper. My name is Jasper," he insists.
MAY – WARD Interlude
"Sitwell?" Ward hisses at May.
May says nothing but she is not pleased. She knows Sitwell for years, knows his greatest assess is how easily he slides into the most difficult situations. He's a chameleon who adapts and gels with the most difficult teams.
"He's taking over training Skye?" Ward asks.
"The principal didn't permit us to go on the Boston field trip," May reminds him. The principal also hadn't spoken to her about the real reason why Sitwell was on the bus.
Then again the principal really hadn't spoken to her since she waved a gun in his face.
She had called his personal cell but he had already had it disconnected and he hadn't given her the number to his new burner cell.
She had called his work cell and her calls had gone directly to voice mail.
Repeatedly.
Melinda May can take being shunned by the kids, but Phil Coulson shunning her is another matter altogether.
FITZ
Leo Fitz is the next person to visit Principal Coulson.
"Are you staying on the team?" Coulson asks. "I've heard rumors but nothing definite from you."
"Yes," Leo Fitz says and Coulson relaxes.
"If you ever have a problem, please know that I have an open door for you," Coulson says. "How are you with recent events?"
"I'm really happy for you and Simmons," Fitz assures him.
Coulson smiles and shakes his head.
"Thank you. While I deeply appreciate the sentiment; I was rather hoping for an update on the issues between you and Ward?"
"He apologized, repeatedly," was Fitz's response.
"And?" Phil prompts.
Fitz just shrugs and Coulson shakes his head. The apology has been repeatedly extended and that's all he's could ever hope. Finally, Phil stands, and offers a heartfelt, "Thank you for staying. I would have broken my promise for a better working environment if you had left."
The Scottish engineer accepts his sincerity with a head bob. Then as the two men leaves office, Fitz states, "I apologized to Simmons but I owe you one also. I' m sorry but I told them it wasn't a good idea."
"You don't owe me an apology," the older agent insists.
"I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen to me," Fitz explains. "I'm truly sorry about what happened."
"As long as you apologized to Jemma, you don't have to worry about me," insists Coulson.
Fitz quirks a smile and Coulson sighs, "What?"
"The look on their faces when you pointed your gun at May. Seems that they both underestimated you," Fitz quips before he laughs.
"It's always better to be underestimated," Coulson assures Fitz.
"I'm used to that," Fitz admits.
"Not by me," is the immediate response. "Not by me as I know how dangerous you are. Now, remember, you need anything, my door is open."
"Don't you have your meeting with Simmons next?" Fitz asks as they're both leaving the office.
"I'm having it downstairs at the dining room table. She and I will not be alone on the bus if I can help it," Coulson explains. "Since everyone has their idea of what happened in Boston, everyone will notice if we're alone together on the bus and they will automatically think the worst. I won't ruin her reputation among the team."
"I still can't understand how you and May got married," the tactless Fitz admits. When Coulson keeps the door closed so Fitz can't escape, Fitz realizes what he said. He says something rather rude in his heavy Scottish burr and Coulson still keeps the door close.
"Explain," Coulson requests in a very mild tone. "Just between us, I want to hear your thoughts."
He's found, in his short time working with Fitz, which the Scot is not the keenest observer of others, because his skill is in engineering, not people. It's something that Phil will work on, when he gets time. However, if Fitz has noticed something and Phil hasn't, well, he'll take his input because it's probably pretty obvious.
"I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but you get people. May doesn't. I kept telling her and Ward that you wouldn't have faked Skye's kidnapping but they wouldn't listen to me. You wouldn't have done that, not after what happened to Simmons. And what May does to Skye? I've witnessed her cutting Skye down, and it's usually after she and Ward have either argued or done the deed or both. It was bad enough watching that, but I think now her victim is Simmons."
"Is that why you and Skye are with her all the time?" Phil asks.
"So she's not alone with May," Fitz agrees.
"That's not May," Coulson insists. "She's not like that."
"You didn't see the look on her face when she barged into your hotel room and she saw you and Simmons kissing," Fitz says. "Not happy. What confuses me most is that Simmons had kept telling me how May was so helpful after her ordeal. It's the same woman that barged into your hotel room, brandishing a gun. If she had been a few minutes later, Simmons might not have been wearing her dress. Or you would have been tied up."
Well, wonderful. Now everyone on the team knows that one of his kinks is to be restrained and seduced. He finds it pleasurable to give up control to someone he completely trusts, which had never ever been Camilla Reyes. Really, there had been only two lovers in his life that he has trusted enough to let them have that level of control over him and right now, Jemma was the only one. Plus she couldn't tie knots worth a good goddamn, but really... sometimes it was relaxing not to be in charge.
Plus, it had been a real confidence builder for Jemma who had worried about her supposed inexperience.
"Thank you for your honesty," Phil says.
"If you ever want some private time with Jemma, come down to the lab. I'll work on something and everyone will know that you're not alone with her," Fitz offers. "You can't have a decent relationship if you're reduced to slipping into each other's hotel rooms and bringing a bottle of scotch. It's disrespectful."
"I'll make a suggestion to Ward that he goes through her window next time," Coulson quips which earns him a laugh. "However I don't get the impression that their relationship is that serious."
"If it was just for a booty call, then why can I tell when they've had a disagreement? Why does May take it out on Skye or why does Ward beat the punching bag?" Fitz asks.
Because both of them are emotionally repressed as hell, but Phil's too nice to say that out loud.
"Speaking of punching bags, Sitwell's offering to teach defensive skills while he's on board," Phil continues, ignoring Fitz's look of distaste. "It's not what is trained in the academy; it's a down and dirty defensive style, so take advantage of it."
"Like throwing a bag of flour?" Fitz asks.
Phil nods.
THE TEAM AND SITWELL INTERLUDE
Simmons is sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for her meeting with Phil. She understands why Phil insists on public conversations with her, but it's rather hard to grab a kiss. He's strict about appearances, but it is part of his charm.
Meeting Jasper Sitwell again had been very awkward but the senior agent has been very pleasant. He had requested that she hold her hands above her head while they talked, just to confirm that they were empty. She had done so until she realized that he was teasing her. Skye poked him in the ribs with her elbow for that stunt.
Ward and May are in the kitchen but she is ignoring them, because she is not alone.
"Name five things you can quickly use as a weapon," Sitwell requests from Skye.
"Knives..." Skye begins while Simmons watches.
"Quickly, not pardon me while I open the drawer and select a carving knife."
"A bag of flour," Simmons helpfully offers.
"That only works for Coulson," protests Jasper. "However I will give you a point."
"That's not a weapon," protests Skye. "It's for baking."
"Throw it and if it breaks in their eyes they can't see. Hit them with it and you could knock them out cold," Sitwell explains. "Let me give you a hint. Coffee pot, full of hot coffee. Throw the coffee at them. When the pot is empty, smash it carefully, so you have a weapon you can hold and do some serious damage. Salt and pepper shakers, whip it at them, and they'll flinch. Then run like hell because you are not trained for more. Coulson, name the various items that can be used as a defensive weapon currently in the kitchen."
"No one told me that there would be a quiz," Coulson protests. He then crisply rattles off a list of the various kitchen utensils that have dual purpose. "Plus the carrot grater can be used to remove an eyeball if necessary."
"Wow," Skye quips while Simmons grimaces.
"It's just a way of looking at the world," Coulson replies. "Also please remember to thoroughly sterilize any items that you use for nefarious purposes as I don't have enough of a budget to replace them. Sitwell, Fitz will be joining your class."
"Great. We can start after dinner," Sitwell announces. "Skye, can you show me where the gym is, and then you can show me what you can do."
"Not a lot," Skye loudly confesses which causes Ward to protest.
"I saw that in Massachusetts," Sitwell agrees. "However, Coulson and I chalked it up as a lack of experience. You froze. It was a rook's mistake, so let's see what I can to ensure the next time it's different."
"What could I have done differently?" Skye asks.
"Hairspray. You must have some in your purse. Do you smoke? A lighter and hairspray." Sitwell sounds excited while Coulson groans and shakes his head.
"Not on the bus," insists Coulson. "Do not teach her how to create an explosive from a can of hairspray and a lighter in the plane."
"He's no fun," Sitwell and Skye say in unison.
"You like Thai?" Sitwell asks.
"Love it," Skye answers.
"If you can scrounge up an extra helmet, there's a really good Thai place I know. I can pick some up and bring it back prior to our training class. Find out what Fitz likes and we can order it."
"I can catch a ride?" Skye asks. Sitwell nods, so Skye continued, "I do have a license."
"No," Sitwell exclaims. "No, no, no. You can catch a ride on my ride, that's it."
"Simmons, are you ready for our meeting?" Coulson asks, as really he wants nothing more than to flee to his office and take more antacids before Fury calls him to bitch about whatever Sitwell and Skye had done together.
"Actually, I was wondering if we could we swap our meeting times?" Ward asks and Simmons agrees.
Great, his one ray of sunshine in a rather bleak afternoon has been commandeered by Ward. So he puts his foot down and says, "Sorry, no. There's a reason why I put them in a specific order. Simmons? Shall we have the meeting here or in the lab?"
"Lab," Simmons offers.
WARD – MAY INTERLUDE
"What?" Ward as May who is giving him a disapproving look.
"Don't push Coulson," May advises. It's pretty funny that advice is coming from her as Phil had told her not to talk to him until Friday but she had still called him every single day.
"Is Sitwell my replacement?" Ward asks May. The thought pains him, but he understands why it could be so. Sitwell is personable and friendly, highly regarded as a team player. Grant Ward is a pile of poop with daggers sticking in it. Or a porcupine.
"You are sadly mistaken, if, after recent events, you think Coulson is confiding anything to me." May quietly admits.
"You two are..." Ward stops. "That's not good."
There's no suitable answer for that comment, so she walks to the cockpit, as she needs to be alone. Ward follows her, and for a moment, she's overwhelmed by hatred. Pure unadulterated hatred.
She hates Ward for clinging, hates Coulson, hates Simmons who wears a goofy smile whenever she sees Phil, hates ever leaving the Cellar and putting one damn foot on the bus, hates herself for caring and over-reacting by misreading the clues. She hates remembering the look in Coulson's eyes, when he was pointing his Beretta at her.
He had been beyond furious with her.
Not even when she served him the divorce papers had he looked like that. No, he had worn a look of weary defeat.
Deliberately she shuts the cockpit door on Ward, and locks it.
She can't deal with him right now. She can't even deal with herself. It's not unexpected that Coulson cancels their meeting for later that afternoon. Even St. Phil has a breaking point, and Melinda May has crossed it.
SIMMONS
"We're meeting in the lab?" Simmons asks.
"Fitz will be there, so we're chaperoned. Plus there's glass so..." he stops.
"If we're overwhelmed with passion, we'll give everyone a free show," Simmons bubbles.
He shakes his head and wonders anew what a young woman like her sees in him. Because even when he was young, he never had sex in a public place.
"Dinner tonight? I'll order takeout and we can meet at my apartment?" he asks as they're walking down the corridor. "Pick a movie and we can watch it. Chick flick is fine, you pick it."
"As long as I can spend the night," she counteroffers.
"We need to be careful," he warns her as they enter the security of the lab. Fitz gives them an 'all clear' wave as he's busy diagramming something that looks dangerous.
"I'll leave early then and come back to my pod," she pouts as they sit at a table.
Phil takes out paperwork and spreads it over the table.
"I'm glad that you've taken back your various resignations and reassignment requests," he begins.
"Fantastic resigning bonus," she chirps and then she sobers at Phil's face. "Sorry."
"Don't be. We just need to be careful. The team knows thanks to recent events, but I want to sure that we handle this in a professional basis."
"Of course," she agrees.
"Though I must confess that I'd rather be highly unprofessional with you," he admits.
Her face lights up and she blushes even while she smiles. She's adorable when she blushes so Phil decides that he needs to remember that. They chat for a bit about various work related issues; how her sessions with Karla are going, his willingness to sit in on a session if Karla deems it beneficial. Then Phil asks about what has been bothering him since they came back. "I have a serious question. Have you been experiencing problems with May?"
Her smile fades and she bites her lip.
"What type of problems?" he prompts.
"After the HYDRA Hilton, she was really... kind... to me. I was surprised because... she acts like nothing bothers her. Yet, we'd have tea in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and we'd have a chinwag."
"That's the real Melinda May," Phil explains. "Not the Cavalry, not Agent May, but Melinda May. Not many people know that side of her."
"Then the hotel room and... she embarrassed you in front of the team. They saw your scar and..." Simmons slows. "But she wasn't looking at your scar."
"She's seen it," he admits, which probably isn't the smartest thing to say, so he quickly ads. "As she visited me in the hospital."
"She was looking at me... and... I was afraid of her as she was furious," Jemma admits. "I got the feeling that she was angry at me. Fitz agreed, so I'm not sure what I did. It's been rather awkward on the bus with her these past two days, so I've just been trying to avoid her."
"You didn't do anything," Coulson insists. "Did anyone ever apologize for barging into the hotel room?"
"Fitz did."
Damn the two of them, he's had it with them both. Phil scribbles down his address and gives it to Simmons. "This is my address. I'll have to add you to the security system, so I'll meet you there. I should be there in an hour or so."
"Don't you have two more meetings?" she asks.
"I'll be quick," he says.
Because really he has nothing to say to either of them. Ok, that's a lie, as he has plenty to say, but none of it nice. After he leaves his meeting with Simmons, he reschedules both meetings for tomorrow as he needs to purchase more Tylenol and Rolaids.
And pick up a nice bottle of wine.
A bottle of Scotch is just so déclassé.