The cityscape would have seemed dull to any casual observer. Brick buildings rising from cobblestone streets, a light fog blending the greys and reds together until it appeared the whole town was made only of varying tones of the same color. Dull smoke rose from dull chimneys atop tall houses, apartments, and various workplaces. Everything was dull. Everything except for the people. Where the town they occupied was drab and cheerless, they were bright and joyful. The streets were full of people bustling to and fro, sending friendly greetings to all they met. The dreary mood of their town held no weight over them. They lit the place with their own brand of sunshine more infectious and spellbinding than any solar rays. Interestingly for their dispositions, their dress held no color. The women wore elaborate costumes of Victorian fashion, printed in harlequin patterns of stripes and hearts. Their only ornaments being large hats more elaborately designed than their gowns and simple makeup. The design of their wardrobe would have been comical but for the fact that it was all in black and white. Blacks so crisp and whites so clean they were almost colors in their own right, but nonetheless monotone. The only color gracing the landscape being the shades of red upon their lips which only served to accent their perfectly beaming smiles. The gentlemen were more simply dressed. Plain suits, accessorized by tall hats, cravats or neckties, and the occasional cane. The older men all carried watches in their vest pockets, not for any worry of their own time, they were in no rush to be anywhere; but only for the purpose of being able to give a polite answer should someone happen to inquire it of them. The young men carried no such conveniences. A wide smile and it's accompanying charm were all they took with them as they set about the city streets in search of a girl or two to link in their arm and drink in the joys of life with.
All this was observed by the keen eye of a lady as she stepped down from the train that was currently pouring steam onto the local train stop and into the town square. All was observed and found to be far from dull. In fact, it excited in her a great eagerness to explore the city before her. She had to still her feet to keep from stepping down from the platform and leaving her travelling companions behind on the train. But she had only to wait a moment before she was joined by two men, just as quick to observe the town as she. This was common for them after travelling together for some months. They were on a journey with no foreseeable end and no interest in planning for one. These three friends had fallen into a pattern. Choose a place, go, observe, immerse, repeat. Theirs was a quiet sort of adventure, yet as energizing as being violently thrust into the most fantastic of all. This was what they lived for. The moment upon arriving in a new place, seeing all possibility laid out before them, and knowing that it was within their power to explore it. All they had to do was step out and embrace the unknown, letting it carry them where it would.
She could feel it rising within her, the excitement wound like a spring about her soul, threatening to send her soaring only to be dashed to pieces upon the monument that was her own wonder. She looked to her companions and was greeted with the same excitement shining in their eyes. It illuminated their already handsome features and set them apart as if they were ethereal beings. She briefly wondered if they saw her in the same light, standing before them as some angelic creature. She smiled at the thought before shaking herself back to her current situation. The three exchanged knowing looks before the young men moved to take their usual places, one on either side of her, and stepped off the platform into their newest adventure.
They walked into the square intent on taking their time to soak in as much of their new surroundings as possible before it became necessary to seek out their hotel. The towns center, they observed, was apparently the gathering place for those with leisure to socialize. Older couples walked in wide lazy circles about the fountain in the middle of the square while the more energetic youth wound themselves in and out, across and about, seeming to be everywhere at once. It would seem chaotic if not for the polite manner in which all things were done in this strange new place. The crowds lessened as the square extended into a wide arch before leaking into side streets that wove through the rest of the city.
As they walked, the lady remained at the center of their group. Evelyn was her name. She was tall with unexceptional features, yet beautiful in her own way. Often quiet and known to get lost in thought, she was slow to excited behavior and took time to become acquainted with, but those who she allowed to truly know her were quickly exposed to her wit and easy laughter. Her companions knew her thus and were perfect friends for her. Knowing just how to coax her into spontaneity, but never pushing her too far. For now, they walked beside her in comfortable silence. Both were tall with sharp features, strong jaws and thin faces; actively built with the bearing of gentlemen. To her right was Thomas, warm and smiling, his golden hair pushed away from his face which was shaded with a beard just starting to grow, and his blue eyes sparkling with humor under a brow that told of marked intelligence. To her left, William, dark and thoughtful, raven hair slightly disheveled sometimes falling in the way of his emerald eyes which usually shone with mischief, but were now shrouded in an unknown sadness. His dark mood only being perceptible to those who knew him best.
Before reaching the end of the square William announced that he had business to attend to, but that he would meet the others at the hotel soon. He frequently spent time alone on their trips, always giving reasons that Thomas and Evelyn never questioned. They knew that with his introverted personality, all he really needed was time to himself to relax and clear his head. This time it did seem odd though. They always spent their first moments in a new place together. It was a sort of tradition to them. Yet they did not question him, not verbally. Simply watching him pass through the crowd and disappear into a side street. Evelyn looked to Thomas and they shared a look of concern before he offered her his arm and a reassuring smile. She smiled back, genuinely, comforted by his presence. When faced with optimism such as his it was difficult to not hope for the best. She took his arm, feeling safe in the knowledge that if there were really something to be worried about, Thomas would deal with the situation promptly. He was not one to allow people to suffer, especially those he cared for. He and William had become like brothers along their journey. If anything was wrong, he would know about it and take action.
Brothers. The thought made her smile as she gazed up at Thomas while they walked. He and William even looked like brothers. If not for the fair haired brightness of the one and the dark haired paleness of the other, she would say they were identical.
He glanced down at her then, catching her in her musings and giving her a curious half grin. She just smiled at him, leaving his unasked question unanswered, and returned to observing the town which they were to claim as their home, or playground rather, for the coming weeks.
They had been catching the attention of the locals ever since their arrival. Earning many friendly looks and greetings to which they responded in kind. Evelyn thought she might be imagining it, but couldn't help but feel as though the older women were casting knowing glances at her and Thomas' linked arms. She was almost sure that this was her brain playing tricks on her, but in the case of the looks Thomas was receiving from the majority of the young girls they had encountered since leaving the train station, she could not force herself to believe them imagined. She always knew he was attractive, even thinking so herself when she first met him years before; but with their being together so much now, she felt it prudent not to think of it in his case. But in this place where everyone seems to be at least a little in love, and most of them suddenly in love with him, it was hard to ignore.
Projecting. She thought. My mind is just projecting. But why? I couldn't possibly be in… No.
She knew that she liked him at least a little. He was kind, intelligent, passionate and strong, yet gentle and steady. He made her laugh. She felt safe with him, always. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered why she wasn't in love with him. Or was she? All she knew at that moment was that she was struck by a small sense of pride knowing that while every girl in the square desired to be noticed by him, it was her arm that he had wrapped up in his. But that pride scared her. Why should she be proud? She had no claim to him. Her brow furrowed in confusion.
She stole a glance back to him and found that he was already looking at her. He had a strange look on his face. One she felt she had seen before. Curiosity, care, concern. But past that was something deeper. And suddenly she knew. It was love. He loved her. It was there right behind his eyes. He always looked at her this way. She had only meant to look at him for a moment, but now she couldn't look away. She didn't know if she loved him, she hadn't given it any serious thought until that moment. She did know however that she would be proud to claim the love of a man such as him. Then she saw something else come alive in his eyes. Hope. And she realized that she had been staring for too long. She also found that she had begun to smile, and for that she was very sorry. She hadn't meant to encourage him. She hadn't even known. And now the hope that was in his eyes was something that she had put there.
She composed her features and turned to find a distraction. Thankfully for her, that was the exact moment that one of the local men approached them. He greeted them and politely commented on their obvious newness, inquiring if he could be of any assistance. Thomas asked for directions to their hotel and was told that it was very close. So close, in fact, that the gentleman was delighted to guide them there himself. They were joined by a few others, friends of the first gentleman, and the little group set off down a wide side street. Evelyn walked ahead with their guide, engaging in polite conversation and learning about the town. Thomas followed, discussing their travels with the curious men who had joined them. She could hear him speaking behind her, his voice above the noise of the city. Always in her mind. He was speaking of her in tones so warm, hinting at romance, nearly calling her "his girl". It made her heart feel full, like it might burst, and sent a blush to her face as she caught his adoring gaze. She smiled shyly at the knowing looks aimed at her by their new companions, sure this time that they were not imagined, but she didn't dislike any of it. She knew that she could be happy being in love with him, she was even starting to believe that she might love him already. Maybe she always had. Something was out of place though. It started as a small ache in the center of her heart, tugging at her, letting her know that there was more for her to discover of herself and her would be lover before she was to decide.
They arrived at their hotel, a tall plain brick building just down the street and round the corner from the square. Their new friends, for friends they now were, it was impossible not to make fast friends in this place, left them as they began to ascend the staircase to their suite. It was a curious stairway, all black iron rising up the side of the building with one long flight for each floor. Floors which seemed uncommonly tall. Evelyn imagined that the ceiling of the rooms within must be at least fifteen feet high. They silently climbed the first two levels together before she began to fall behind. A glance to her was all Thomas needed to know that she wished to be alone with her thoughts. So he left her. Words weren't necessary. She didn't watch him leave, she just stared through the iron grating ahead of her. She knew he would be waiting for her when she reached the fifth floor, their floor, but for now she could not bring herself to leave the third landing.
The small ache in her heart had grown and spread to add to the confusion in her head. She had no idea what she was supposed to do. She didn't even know what she thought of as she was continued to gaze past her surroundings. When she looked up, she was surprised to be met by Thomas' eyes. Somehow she had managed to ascend two flights without being aware of it. Even now she was aware of nothing more than him, seated before her, patiently waiting. His eyes told her that he always would wait. He would never push her, never say anything she wasn't prepared to hear. He would love her gently, tenderly; doing his best to understand her. He already did. He knew her like no one else. She saw in his eyes that he knew her confusion and hesitence, he might have even known its reason better than she. Yet he would wait because he was her patient lover. And she knew in that moment that she loved him, but the ache in her heart remained. She kneeled on the stair below the landing on which he sat and, with a sad smile, reached up to place her hand gently upon his cheek. At the moment a heart wrenching cry broke out from directly below them.
Evelyn looked down to see William standing upon the landing she had occupied just moments ago. His eyes no longer shaded and hidden from her. Every emotion laid bare, anguish plainly written across his face. And he screamed, something she had never heard from him before, "Why must nobody love me? Why must you…" And then he was broken. Sinking to the iron below him in defeat as silent tears began to stream down his face. And the ache in Evelyn's heart grew and burst. She now understood it. Her two best friends in all the world were in love with her and she had known it. Somewhere she had buried the knowledge of it and denied it, but she had known. She loved them both so dearly, but having to choose would break her heart. It sent bitter hurt into her very soul. Choosing would be painful, not only to her, but also to one of them. She couldn't bear it. So she hid from it for so long. But now it had come to this and something must be done.
She looked back to Thomas and saw that he understood. He saw how torn she was and loved her still, his eyes telling her that everything she was feeling was perfectly okay. Always reassuring and caring for her.
"Why do you both love me? I can't… I love you both dearly. I just don't know…" Her voice was choked with holding back tears and her thumb unconsciously traced the line of his cheekbone. She didn't have to say anything else or explain. He knew before she spoke, it didn't change his opinion of her or his love for her. She looked down to William, still slumped over on the stairs below her. She inhaled. "I need to go speak to him."
When she looked back to him, Thomas sighed. Not a sad sigh, rather like exhaling. His eyes closed for a moment as he leaned into her hand which she now realized she had never taken from him. She stroked the strong lines of his face once more before moving to leave him. Smiling as she turned to descend the stairs. She meant for it to be comforting, but it come off rather sad and tired. It mattered little. He knew what she meant and returned her smile, his eyes still speaking of the love that he had yet to verbally declare.
And so began her descent, not sure of what she intended to say when she reached William, her broken lover. He saw her coming and began yelling, expressing himself in hysterics. He accused her of only coming to him now because of his dramatic display, that she was only giving him attention because she believed he needed her and she couldn't resist, as if she needed to fix him. He was being hurtful and every step brought her closer to her attacker, but she knew that he only lashed out at her now because he was hurt. Like a wild, wounded animal. So she continued in her approach.
When she was halfway to him, he suddenly rose and stalked down the next flight of stairs. Away from her, leaving her. She refused to be left though and ran after him. "Please, don't!" she cried. But he did not stop. She collapsed on the landing he had just left, in hysterics of her own now. "NO! Stop!" An uncharacteristic scream escaped her lips, seeming to finally reach his ears. He stopped and remained, only moving to cast her a sideways glance over his shoulder before dropping his head to stare at the ground through the remaining flight and a half of stairs. He was coldly still. Evelyn watched him for a long moment before hanging her head and allowing herself to cry. Just for a few seconds, she closed her eyes to the world as her tears began to flow freely, running salty tracks down her face. When she looked up, he was gone.
And then she wept. She wept for her confused, broken heart and for her closest friendships that were forever changed. She was hardly aware of where she was anymore. This new town with its joyful people held no more excitement for her. Her distress threatened to swallow her up from the inside out. Her chest felt tight, as if a giant weight was crushing her soul. Her heart felt as though it would implode and explode all at once. Yet she knew that above, her patient lover was coming for her. So she waited and she cried. Hoping that in his arms she would find comfortable peace. Knowing, in her waiting, that that was what he would offer her and that she would accept. Knowing that she should love him, yet still she cried.
Based off of a dream I had last year.
Here are some of my notes from the drafting/editing stage.
They weren't named in the dream. I just added that for storytellings sake. Thomas was/looked like Tom Hiddleston. Warm, golden, curly haired, perfect scruff, smiling, kind, wonderful Tom. Tom as he is in real life. William was/looked like Loki. Dark, broken, pale, emotional, raw. And Evelyn was me, obviously.
In Jane Eyre, Rochester explains the connection between himself and Jane like this:
"...it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly."
I feel something like that about the men in this dream. Except that I have two strings attached somewhere under my left ribs going in opposite directions. The first is gently, steadily, gradually pulling. The second is ripping and tearing me apart. And they both hurt. The second because of its nature, and the first because of the second.
That dream wrecked me. Still does.
Thanks for reading! It's been a long journey getting this written, so please review and let me know what you think!
Thanks again! If you took the time to read this I really do appreciate it so much.