Title: The Life I Left Behind
By: Katie Lundon
Date: August 24, 2008
Characters: Mulder/Scully; MSR
Rating: T
CC is God.
Through all the years of my life I don't believe there has ever been a moment that I can remember not wanting to be where I was. Especially these past years. Working with Mulder in the FBI. Although, many of the cases we have worked together have caused much heartache and danger; it is our danger and heartache. We have worked through so much together and helped each other through it all.
Now I sit here wondering where I will go from here. We have always had each other and now we don't have anyone. I can't say that I count my mother or family as any of those I have to lean on. Mulder has been the only one I have ever felt comfortable with. Truly comfortable.
After being split apart six months ago I thought we would stay in contact, but that doesn't see to be the case. I have neglected to call him as he has me. My greatest fear now is to hear his voice and have every emotion flood back suddenly. The emotions I have fought with so many times over the years. When I think of him I question where I am now. What I am doing. Now I can feel the emotions slowly falling away or maybe I am in denial. If I am it may be saving me from deep pain.
One thing I do regret about leaving was never telling Mulder the truth. The true reason why I would take off only to speak with him over the phone. I told him I needed to experience other things. In that moment, I saw the pain in knowing that I was lying in his eyes. That night, if the truth had been spoken I may not be here.
Shortly after moving to Rhode Island I met a very nice man. Paul Sullivan. I had just begun working at the hospital when he came in having cut himself while building something for his business. His charm reminded me of Mulder, but I had to shake that off as quickly as possible. From there things seemed to move very quickly. We dated for only a few months before becoming engaged and moving in together. It has been two weeks now since we moved in together and I have yet to let him touch me. Only light kisses have ever been exchanged. Thinking about having sex with him brings a tight pain to my chest to the point where I have to remember to breathe. Sometimes he asks me why we can't 'make love'. I simply answer 'Not until we are married'. To that he will kiss the top of my head and walk away. I have never let him see the tears that fall after those short conversations. I don't think I would cry so much if he didn't refer to it as 'making love' and then kissing me on the top of my head.
As I sit here with Bridal magazines that Paul has bought for me spread out on the table, I can't help but wish I could call Mulder. I can't help but to realize that this may be a mistake. For the first time in years I am questioning why I am where I am. I have to call him. Hear his voice.
But right as I go to pick up the phone to call him it rings.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dana; it's Luke. Is Paul there?" It was Paul's brother.
"Sure. One moment." I closed my eyes and breathed out slowly trying to fight back the tears that the butterflies in my stomach had caused. "Paul...It's Luke."
I hate yelling up the stairs to him.
"Thanks babe." Paul yelled back to me.
I hated when he called me babe. I know that in some relationships it was cute, but to me it never had been. I would rather be called by my last name over and over than babe.
I walked to the living room where I stood for a moment; deep in thought. Closing my eyes once again I pictured Mulder sitting alone at his apartment. I could almost smell and feel it. It was always the same; with a slight cool draft which was dreadful in the winter but lovely in the summer. I could hear the sound of the fish tank and the hum of his computer. I imagined sitting on his couch. That damn leather couch. I never thought I would wish I would be sitting on it.
My eyes shot open in realization. I don't want to be here.
The next thing I knew I was in my car driving. It would take too long by car. I couldn't bare sitting in a car for 10 hours without Mulder. By plane would be the only way I would be able to see him as soon as possible.
After getting off the plane I had a few voice mails from Paul, none of which I listened to all the way through. As I got my rental car my phone went off again. This time the caller ID didn't say Paul.
"Hello?"
"You look like you're in a hurry. Are you off on a case to search for little green men?"
I couldn't believe I was hearing his voice. When I turned around I could see him across the room. "If I'm not mistaken, I believe they are little gray men."
Although we could see each other we kept our phones to our ears until we were face to face. At the same time we hung up our phones and put them away, but we never stopped searching into each other eyes. It was something we had always done.
"Why are you here?" Mulder asked me softly.
I closed my eyes so when I reopened them I wouldn't have to look into his eyes again. "To see you."
He didn't speak but made a gesture that let me know he understood. His mind was racing; I could feel it. Then it stopped. He had spotted my engagement ring. Now I had to lay it all out for him.
"Mulder." Whenever I said his name he would always look me in the eye. This time was no different. "These past six months have been...unbearable wouldn't be a strong enough word." I needed to restart.
"It's Ok. You can tell me." He told me looking into my eyes deeper.
I sighed before beginning. "This evening I sat at my kitchen table with Bridal magazines everywhere thinking about how I ended up where I was in that moment. It was then that these months of denial faded and I remembered the life I had just a short time ago. Everything and everyone I loved I had left for a life of nothingness. This relationship I am in, my job, my house...everything is nothing to me. There was only one thing that ever meant anything to me in this world...in my life. Mulder...you are what I care about. You are who I love."
I could see Mulder's face turning from understanding to concern and compassion within a second.
"Scully...I'm here because Paul called me. He told me you would be coming here to see me."
I backed up from him, just a foot. Enough so I could take a moment to understand. "I never told him about you, ever."
"I called, more than once. Each time he would pick up. After I kept calling he began to ask me questions. Tonight he called because he said he knew you would eventually leave him for me."
I still didn't understand. I was obviously missing something. "How would ever know that?"
"He said that you have been saying my name in your sleep, repeatedly."
I began to cry, but I didn't know exactly why. Everything was closing in and was over with so quickly. That life I hated was coming to an end. I could finally be done lying to myself.
It was then that Mulder took me into his arms and said, "I have never stopped loving you. I will always love you, Scully. No matter how far you may go."
I looked up at him, tearing streaming down my face. He kissed me lightly on the forehead, then nose and then finally on the lips.
"Mulder...I love you." I told him a little above a whisper before snuggling into him. "Take me home."
He knew what I meant. Home wasn't Rhode Island. It was his drafty apartment, his leather couch, fish tank and him and I sleeping soundly in his bed; forever.