This story contains – attempted – humour and most likely OoCness. It's my first try to translate one of my DN fics. Nontheless, I hope people like it.
Also, it's un-beta'd and I'm no native speaker of the English language. I apologize in advance for all the mistakes.
"Matt!"
"Yeah?"
"Look at me!"
"I'm already doing it."
"Don't give me that shit. Put the joystick down!"
"..."
"Don't make me waste a bullet on your game system."
"If you do it, I'm going to leave you and you'll never ever see me again. Not even on the day of your funeral."
"Really? Last time I checked, dead bodies couldn't do much more than to rot away and stink. I guess, you're wasting away your intelligence in front of the TV."
"I'm doing great, thank you. Gaming helps to keep your mental age young, after all. Daily challenges for your brain, you know. Either like it or lump it."
"Keep telling me what you want, I don't give a shit about it. And now, get rid of the joystick before I'm going to go over to shove it up your ass."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Move. It. Now."
"... Fine. What is it?"
"It's about me."
"Surprise, surprise. That's something new, isn't it?"
"Fucking knock it off already, Jeevas."
"Just telling the truth."
"SHUT UP!"
"Looks like someone is in need for a new box of tampons..."
"What did you just say?!"
"You've understood me."
"Bad moment. Really bad moment. You don't have a fucking clue what you're getting yourself into."
"Is that so? Bother to enlighten me?"
"Don't play dumb and don't pout on me. I don't give a shit that little Mattie isn't allowed to play with his stupid little toy. Grow the fuck up because I won't buy a package of diapers."
"Dude..."
"Don't you dude me. Today has been a shitty day. I don't need more shit from you."
"Every day you come home and every day, you're telling me that you had had a bad day. Do you see some kind of pattern in it, Mello?"
"It's because I'm surrounded by fucking idiots. Every single one of them but you. In the most cases, that is."
"Wait, I'm not sure if I should take it as a compliment."
"Shut it."
"..."
"All I want to know is if I do look like a goddamn broad."
"Ha? What's up with that all of a sudden?"
"Yes or no?"
"Uh... no?"
"Was that a question?"
"No? Right?"
"Matt! I swear to god I'm going to-"
"Geez. Alrightalrightalright. You look like one of the most badass that are living in LA. Satisfied?"
"NO, I AM NOT!"
"Wha-"
"Why is it that most of the men are assuming that I'm a female when I look hardcore and badass?! It's not like I'd have a pair of tits. Nothing on me screams look at my tits, I want you to hit on me. Or does it?"
"No, not real-"
"I didn't ask for your opinion."
"..."
"What in hell is so wrong about it when you're having neat hair as a guy? I do take care of my body and my appearance. Everybody should do that. Like hell, it means I'm a woman. Is there some law that forbids guys to use body care products? Do I have to have a hair style that reminds on a bird-nest and use the shower once in three months? Do I look like I want to look like you?"
"Now would be a good point for me to feel insulted."
"Does anyone in this city know how to use their brain?"
"You know-"
"Fuck. I know I'm hot as the hinges of hell but that doesn't mean I want to fuck with every asshole who comes across me. I'm no slut, after all."
"I think-"
"I'm manly as hell. I know how to use a gun and how to kill people in more than ten ways."
"-you should-"
"I'm a fucking mafioso, for fucks sake. Who do they- oh shit. Fuck!"
"... Haa? What is it now?"
"Shit! Shit! SHIT! Kill it. Matt, you idiot! Don't stare at me like I'm a ghost. Get up and kill it!"
"... … Oh... Calm down, it's just a little-"
"DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CARE?! Kill it, kill it, kill it! Before it'll approach me – jumps on me – and wants to kill me! Oh god! Or worse! What if it'll lays its eggs in my ear canal at night. In that way, its disgusting little babies are able to eat me as soon as they've hatched. I don't want to die while I'm asleep. I deserve way better, something that suits a gangster. P-Please, Matt. IT COMES CLOSER! FUCK, DO SOMETHING! KILL IT: BURN IT! CHOP IT! POUR ACID OVER IT! FLOOD THE APARTMENT! SQUSIH IT WITH AN AVIL! KNOCK IT DOWN WITH A STEAMROLLER! SEND IT TO THE MOON! THROW IT IN THE ETERNAL FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM!"
"MELLO! Calm the fuck down!"
"Then DO something!"
"Yes. Yes."
… … …
"Don't come close to me with that evil monster."
"I won't..."
five minutes later
"The itty-bitty spider is gone. Rolled over by a truck."
"Don't you dare to tell me lies."
"Nope. No lies. There's no more menacing danger for you, badass. Now, stop crying and come out of your hide-out behind the couch."
"I am not crying!"
"You are."
"Fuck you, nerd!"
"I love you too."