A/N: I don't own Vampire Knight.

(Should I rate this story T or M?)

WARNING: Pure crack. Slight, unnecessary angst. One horrible implication near the end that is worthy of an M rating.

Please don't kill me for writing this. This was a challenge that I foolishly accepted from somebody. You know who you are.

"Artemis Agrotera"

The beginning of Yuuki's demented affection took place when Kaien Cross deemed his beloved daughter ready to train with an actual anti-vampire weapon instead of the wooden pole she was already adept with. So he presented her with one of two weapons he currently held in his possession:

The Artemis Rod.

Yuuki had shivered slightly with awareness when her fingertips touched the cool metal for the very first time. Though she was only a pre-teen, even she could sense there was something unearthly about Artemis.

Kaien had told her that these vampire-slaying arms were alive - and wielding them wasn't the same thing as wielding a normal weapon.

And he was right. The first time Yuuki tried using Artemis, it was as if the Rod was intentionally trying to make her life miserable by readjusting Yuuki's swinging aim off by inches, extending and retracting itself at random inconvenient times, tripping Yuuki over by jamming itself between her booted feet and even sporadically changing its weight from hammer heavy to feather light, badly scrambling her attack rhythms.

At the end of the hour, Yuuki was sporting bruises she'd somehow inflicted on herself!

But the girl did not give up.

Day after day, she worked hard at mastering the use of the Artemis Rod - perfecting the moves, gaining its trust, synchronizing with its mind.

And the Artemis Rod only seemed to grow more lovely and more deadly with each training session... still, Yuuki faithfully trained with it and only with this weapon alone, for she soon found that she could not settle for practicing with the wooden stick she once used.

For there was something inside her that pushed her to pick up Artemis again even after she was tired and hungry, even when her body was so fatigued she could barely move a muscle. Yuuki wanted absolute perfect control over the anti-vampire weapon.

Both Kaien and Zero had long given up trying to stop her from pushing herself to her limits, as she'd never listen to them anyways. Plus they couldn't bring themselves to completely stop the sheer determination she had, either. The more she conditioned her body, the better she'd be at fighting off vampires, right?

But one day, Yuuki found herself at an impasse.

This wasn't an actual problem. The weapon wasn't throwing her off anymore; they complemented each other perfectly now.

Perfectly...

Yuuki had a feeling that there was still something beyond Artemis, something more powerful and beautiful than what she had currently. But Yuuki had just reached the limit of her abilities. So nothing more could be done. Yuuki had come a long way.

Yuuki stood absolutely still, her grip on the Artemis Rod admiriably firm. All was quiet at the Headmaster's private residence. The window was open, the moonlight brightly illuminating everything within Yuuki's bedroom.

Back then, the feel of Artemis intimidated her, and made Yuuki feel clumsy and unworthy. But now she fit inside Yuuki's hand comfortably, familiarly, like an old friend. It was a feeling she enjoyed, a sensation as natural as breathing.

As long as she had her, all was right in the world.

Yuuki lifted the Rod up with both hands so she could see it properly.

Artemis looked absolutely... wonderful.

Yes, she was a weapon made to kill vampires without mercy, but to Yuuki she was more than that. Much, much more than that.

Bewitched by the softly illuminated metal, and not really understanding what she was doing or what was going on, Yuuki lifted Artemis even closer and slowly bent her head.

She timidly touched her lips to her body in a reverent, worshipping kiss.

A strange fate had befallen her.

Yuuki had fallen in love, deeply, passionately in love with her anti-vampire weapon.

It should be said that Artemis was not a "thing", but a "she", a semi-sentient protector. To Yuuki, there was a huge difference between the two.

But it should also be said that there was no hopeless female suitor as desperate as Yuuki.

Yuuki would press soft and longing kisses upon her smooth, pale skin - she would not kiss back. Yuuki would tenderly caress her sensual, irresistable curves and lines - she would remain cold and unresponsive.

For a time, Yuuki pretended, like how little girls play with their dolls, that Artemis was loving her back. So she continued to touch, to taste, even tucking her into bed at night, imagining that her steel mistress was returning all of her efforts with eager affection.

But Yuuki was not a child anymore; she could not go on pretending for very long. Yuuki loved a lifeless thing. She was hopelessly and utterly wretched.

Tonight, Yuuki stared at Artemis, the love of her life, nestled securely in her hands once again.

It was time to consummate their love.

"...Will she be alright now, Kaname-kun?"

"Yes. It's a good thing you found her when you did, Chairman. Otherwise Yuuki would have seriously scarred herself."

Kaien Cross sighed. For once, his face was devoid of its usual cheerfulness. "I'm just glad Zero is already asleep. I'm just glad that I... was able to stop her in time."

Try as he might, the ex-vampire hunter could not erase the image of his lovely daughter stripped naked, lying in bed, holding Artemis and just about to...

"As am I," Kaname replied softly, his gaze never wavering from Yuuki's peaceful sleeping face. "But I suppose this is partly my fault, as well. Perhaps, if I had kept a close eye on her she never would have... gone that far. Thank you once again for informing me, Chairman."

"No, thank you for coming to her aid."

Yuuki, now dressed in her bathrobe, continued to sleep - unaware of what her adoptive father and her crush/big brother-figure were discussing.

Would she recover from her madness?

Only time could tell.

Artemis Agrotera END

Next chapter:

"You Can't Stop The Gun"